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Reviews
Absolutely Fabulous: The Movie (2016)
Absolutely Atrocious
So, how can I put this?
This movie was just awful. I mean, I laughed once. ONCE. And that was more because of the laugh from the guy sitting in the theater, seriously...I loved that guys laugh.
Anyway this whole thing was pure nonsense. Terrible plot, terrible forced "jokes", cameos from tired B-list and Z-list celebrities everywhere to fill time, regurgitated tripe that's already been done in the TV show a million times...
I might also add that I had a nap for 15mins before the final scene.
Just don't bother "dahling"!
The Chosen (2015)
Chosen for the bargain bin.
How can I put this? You know how when you go to the dentist to have root canal work done and the dentist tells you that you may experience some 'discomfort' afterward and what he really means is that you'll be in agony once the anaesthesia wears off and you'll just want to lie down in a dark room and pray for death rather than live through one more second of the pain shredding its way through your nervous system? Yeah. This movie. This movie right here is like having root canal work carried out on your soul. Forget it. Don't watch it, don't look at it, don't even bother reading the rest of this review. For real. You will find no redeeming qualities in this movie. Okay, so maybe the main guy was OK acting wise. I do have one question for the movie producers...what was with the end credits soundtrack choice? Really? You're gonna hit us with some trap rap hip hop tune that was in no way related to anything that happened in the movie and really really really didn't go with the atmosphere (or lack of) that you tried (and failed) to aim for? Nope. I'm out. NEXT!
The Gallows (2015)
Pass me the rope...
If the filmmakers ditched the terrible actors, the camera work (seriously, found footage is dead - get over it) and around 95% of the plot...this movie could have potential. It isn't good folks and the kind of thing that should have went straight to Netflix.
There's not much more to say than that I'm afraid. The opening scene was pretty grim and actually made me think that I was finally in for a good horror movie after seeing the abomination that was the 'Poltergeist' remake. Unfortunately, 'Poltergeist' looks like 'The Exorcist' compared to this nonsense.
The acting is just awful. I'm sorry, there's no nicer way to put it but I literally wanted to smack every single character in the face and was rooting for the ****SPOILER**** spirit of Charlie. They just came off as obnoxious and disingenuous. I'm sure they're very nice in real life.
Now, when you have watched as many horror movies as I have in my time you have to allow for a generous amount of suspension of belief however, there were so many things in this movie which just seemed ludicrous that it's as if the writers just thought "oh how are we going to explain this?" and didn't bother to come up with a reasonable explanation and decided to just throw in a jump scare each time to distract you from the abyss of a plot hole...of which there are many. Oh and FYI - you cannot get an app that turns your phone into a night vision camera. That's not how it works. That's bad research and just bad science.
The storyline actually had potential - hence the 2 stars. Had it been developed further and not filmed I in the cop out found footage genre, this could have made for a potentially great horror mystery supernatural thriller in the vein of 'The Conjuring', but sadly it was not to be. To be honest the whole thing just felt rushed. The ending...pfft! It was as if some bright spark said: "I know, let's end this is the most obvious way ever but make it seem super twisty as if no-one would have seen it coming even though it makes absolutely no sense at all" and BAM!! Jumpscare! The audience are left feeling confused, underwhelmed and are struggling to remember any of the characters names while three teenage girls who had been sitting down the front spending the whole movie giggling every time their friend flinched, go on about how "that was so scary! even more than that Paranormal Activity one! I'm not going to sleep tonight! Oh em geeeee!" The rest of us shuffle out of the theater in silence, checking the IMDb app on our phones, looking for a 'The Conjuring 2' release date in the hopes it comes we give up on the modern horror scene.