BionicBigfoot Reviews

Van Helsing (2004)

Good God! Run for your lives!

[4/10 · 4 November 2004]

Van Helsing promises a fun ride. The premise of a 19th century

monster hunter fighting against Dracula has some silly potential.

But Van Helsing fails to deliver.

This movie has no brain and no soul. Like the slavering, leaping

CGI beasts Van Helsing fights endlessly, the movie possess no

wit, no point, and not even any interesting fight scenes. Van

Helsing abandoned an interesting plot, good acting, and quality

dialogue in favor of a shambling mess of explosions, undead

vampire babies and shiny-cool weapons. The movie is a frightening study of excess, 100% pure, shallow spectacle with

nothing underneath. Van Helsing doesn't only fight Dracula, but

Frankenstein's Monster and Werewolves and Mr. Hyde and

Vampire Brides and Igor and thousands of mini-vampires and

dozens of mechanical gnome creatures and angry translyvanian

peasants to boot! Lighting shooting through the Monster will bring

Dracula's brood to life! Werewolves can slay Dracula, but he uses

them as minions! Dracula's lives in an ice-castle, but uses a

magic portrait to come to Translyvania! Van Helsing is trapped by

hundreds of vampire minions, fortunately he has a device that can

DUPLICATE THE POWER OF THE SUN!

Sommers throws every video-game gimmick he can think of into

Van Helsing, but neglects the things that actually make a movie

good, like a plot, a script, and good characters. So we end up with

cardboard cutout Van Helsing running around with "romantic

interest" Valerious and "Quirky funny guy" Carl, battling endless

monsters and searching desperately for a point.

The only scary thing about the flick is that hundreds of millions of

dollars were spent and the train wreck that is Van Helsing was the

result.

Van Helsing (2004)

Good Lord! Run for your Lives!

[4/10 · 23 October 2004]

Van Helsing promises a fun ride. The premise of a 19th century monster hunter fighting against Dracula has some silly potential. But Van Helsing fails to deliver.

This movie has no brain and no soul. Like the slavering, leaping CGI beasts Van Helsing fights endlessly, the movie possess no wit, no point, and not even any interesting fight scenes. Van Helsing abandoned an interesting plot, good acting, and quality dialogue in favor of a shambling mess of explosions, undead vampire babies and shiny-cool weapons. The movie is a frightening study of excess, 100% pure, shallow spectacle with nothing underneath. Van Helsing doesn't only fight Dracula, but Frankenstein's Monster and Werewolves and Mr. Hyde and Vampire Brides and Igor and thousands of mini-vampires and dozens of mechanical gnome creatures and angry translyvanian peasants to boot! Lighting shooting through the Monster will bring Dracula's brood to life! Werewolves can slay Dracula, but he uses them as minions! Dracula's lives in an ice-castle, but uses a magic portrait to come to Translyvania! Van Helsing is trapped by hundreds of vampire minions, fortunately he has a device that can DUPLICATE THE POWER OF THE SUN!

Sommers throws every video-game gimmick they can think of into Van Helsing, but neglects the things that actually make a movie good, like a plot a script, and good characters. So we end up with cardboard cutout Van Helsing running around with "romantic interest" Valerious and "Quirky funny guy" Carl, battling endless monsters and searching desperately for a point.

The only scary thing about the flick is that hundreds of millions of dollars were spent and the train wreck that is Van Helsing was the result.

Catwoman (2004)

A waste of many millions

[4/10 · 27 July 2004]

In Catwoman, Halle Berry plays Patience Prince, a shy, unassuming graphic artist at a cosmetics company. Prince lack the backbone to stand up to others, and generally stays out of everyone's way until she discovers that a new product has potentially lethal side effects that are being hidden from the public. Yep, something is rotten in Denmark.

Prince is then found out by the bad guys and left to die, but she not only recovers but also absorbs some mystical cat powers. Now armed with catlike agility and dexterity, she clads herself in a cat-eared cap and CGI whip and goes out to get revenge in her new identity as a cat-burglar anti-hero. Conflicts ensue, she meets romantic interest Bratt, and dukes it out with Sharon Stone.

This movie is thoroughly and unapologetically dumb. With silly dialog, cardboard acting and some pretty mediocre action sequences, Catwoman is much more corn than comic book. Halle Berry is a talented actress, but in Catwoman she acts likes she's on auto-pilot, and only drags the whole thing down further.

Sure, Catwoman was never supposed to be a Casablanca, but even a popcorn movie needs intelligence and fun. Catwoman is just a sprawling mess. If extreme-campiness is up your alley it may be worth a look, but otherwise don't waste the ten dollar box office fee on this turkey.

Reptilicus (1961)

What more could you ask for?

[6/10 · 29 June 2004]

When it comes to movies, there are fine, high quality films and bad, mediocre films. But somewhere in between oozes the "cheezy movie," a movie so bad that it's actually quite enjoyable. Somehow, in spite of all the cheap special effects, awful dialog, and terrible acting, a movie will take itself seriously enough to be a fun ride. Reptilicus is definitely such a movie.

The plot of Reptilicus concerns a bloody "fossil" of a dinosaur tail unearthed at a copper mine in Denmark. The fossil is brought to a Copenhagen aquarium where it thaws out and begins to regenerate. Eager to observe the process, the Danish scientists stuff the tail into a fish tank and feed it nutrient fluid. All goes well until a lightning storm causes the creature to regenerate completely, creating a hundred foot long, acid spitting sea serpent that starts eating people and destroying cities. General Grayson from the US Army is called in, along with every jeep and machine gun in the world, (A lot of military stock footage is used.) But can even they defeat a menace that is immune to bullets?! Thrills and suspense ensues.

The first half of the movie is well done for a low budget American International picture. The dialog is stupid, but the musical score and some surprisingly fair acting help create a feeling on unease, and although the Danish actors are dubbed it is hardly noticeable.

The movie starts to fall apart when the monster shows it's ugly mug. Reptilicus is a ridiculous piece of work, a unmoving snake puppet with a single unchanging "roar" heralding it's every appearance. The "acid slime" effect is just the entire screen covered with green goo repeated over and over again.

Still, this movie is pure fun. Weapon after weapon fails. Buildings are crushed. Soldiers scream and are eaten like popcorn. Gen. Grayson tensely wipes the sweat from his brow and paces the war room while the scientists desperately try to find away to stop Reptilicus' rampage. The monster is finally vanquished...Or is he? Reptilicus is certainly not for all tastes, but should be seen at least once by all true b-movie fans.

**** out of *****

Reptilicus (1961)

What more could you ask for?

[6/10 · 27 June 2004]

When it comes to movies, there are fine, high quality films and bad, mediocre films. But somewhere in between oozes the "cheezy movie," a movie so bad that it's actually quite enjoyable. Somehow, in spite of all the cheap special effects, awful dialog, and terrible acting, a movie will take itself seriously enough to be a fun ride. Reptilicus is definitely such a movie.

The plot of Reptilicus concerns a bloody "fossil" of a dinosaur tail unearthed at a copper mine in Denmark. The fossil is brought to a Copenhagen aquarium where it thaws out and begins to regenerate. Eager to observe the process, the Danish scientists stuff the tail into a fish tank and feed it nutrient fluid. All goes well until a lightning storm causes the creature to regenerate completely, creating a hundred foot long, acid spitting sea serpent that starts eating people and destroying cities. General Grayson from the US Army is called in, along with every jeep and machine gun in the world, (A lot of military stock footage is used.) But can even they defeat a menace that is immune to bullets?! Thrills and suspense ensues.

The first half of the movie is well done for a low budget American International picture. The dialog is stupid, but the musical score and some surprisingly fair acting help create a feeling on unease, and although the Danish actors are dubbed it is hardly noticeable.

The movie starts to fall apart when the monster shows it's ugly mug. Reptilicus is a ridiculous piece of work, a unmoving snake puppet with a single unchanging "roar" heralding it's every appearance. The "acid slime" effect is just the entire screen covered with green goo repeated over and over again.

Still, this movie is pure fun. Weapon after weapon fails. Buildings are crushed. Soldiers scream and are eaten like popcorn. Gen. Grayson tensely wipes the sweat from his brow and paces the war room while the scientists desperately try to find away to stop Reptilicus' rampage. The monster is finally vanquished...Or is he? Reptilicus is certainly not for all tastes, but should be seen at least once by all true b-movie fans.

**** out of *****