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Conan the Barbarian (1982)
Bad film, wasted potential
When I first saw this film, I thought it was average. My friends wanted to show me all the Arnold movies so I happily obliged. Years later I heard some people talking about how the original Conan stories by Robert E. Howard were excellent, so I picked up a physical copy of every one. Reading these short stories changed my entire perspective on the Conan movie.
Virtually everything in the film has nothing to do with the beautifully written world and characters of Robert Howard's vision. Conan himself in the movie is nothing like book Conan. The best way to describe movie Conan is big dumb guy, whereas book Conan though a barbarian, is cunning, resourceful, intelligent, and a born leader (he was literally birthed upon a battlefield).
The movie doesn't follow any plots from the original books, of which there are many. These plots are goldmines for good films, but the movie writers chose to ignore them.
Even the action in this movie is beyond terrible. There's no good fight choreography or grit to the action scenes at all. In the end, the movie is goofy.
The soundtrack and a couple of the dialogue scenes are the only reason for my 2 star rating.
John Wick: Chapter 4 (2023)
Average
I didn't see any other John Wick films before seeing this one and had no expectations beyond a gun fight movie starring Reeves.
What transpired was an unnecessarily long movie with a script that felt stretched as far as it could go. The first half of the film felt like a serious of contrived action scenes. The Japanese segment droned on for at least twenty minutes just for Wick's old friend to be unnecessarily killed for dramatic effect.
Then when the viewer is about to abandon all hope of any central storyline, it's revealed Wick can win his freedom by challenging Illuminati guy to a duel. Fair enough. What followed was another 30 minutes of fight scenes just for our guy to technically qualify for the duel.
In the end Wick wins his freedom but he's shot up and presumably dies thereby invalidating the characters whole motivation during the whole film. If death was an accepting ending for him why didn't he just kill himself?
Keanu Reeves looks old, tired, and depressed throughout much of this film. He talks slow and at times I wonder if he has early dementia. He's definitely not in his prime anymore and it shows. I'm of the opinion that action stars out of their prime should hang up the gloves and avoid intense action roles. They embarass themselves by providing a less impactful performance than what they were previously capable of.
My favorite thing about this movie was the avoidance of shaky-cam. All the action scenes use steady-cam shots which allow the viewer to fully take in and understand the scene. While I didn't like the movie much, I am grateful to have supported (with my money) the continued use of steady-camera.
Game of Thrones: The Watchers on the Wall (2014)
One thing I cannot wrap my head around...
Where's the reinforcements from Roose Bolton who was by this time Warden of the North? Even before the attack on Castle Black, the Night's Watch would have been aware for some days that a force of wildlings had climbed The Wall to raid south, as well as Mance Rayder's gigantic force.
Upon being informed, Roose Bolton would have to have been a complete fool not to dispatch thousands of by that time veteran troops to completely reinforce The Wall. It's in every way in the self-interest of Bolton to repel invasion against his own territory.
No mention of this at all in the episode which obviously devalues the drama and experience. The episode functions as one big excuse to have a mediocre sword fight battle for 45 minutes.
Ginga Eiyû Densetsu: Die Neue These - Kaikou (2018)
Just couldn't: OVA is Better
As a fan of the original anime I was cautiously excited to check out this reboot. One of the major drawbacks of the original was the animation particularly in space battles. I oozed excitement at the thought of these flaws being improved upon using modern computer generated imagery. However, I came to be deeply disappointed enough to come here and write this review.
The storytelling is extremely fast and leaves the viewer confused. In one episode alone, Yang Wen-li goes from a cadet barely out of diapers to Rear Admiral in the span of 25 minutes. Huge jumps in time leave the viewer perplexed as to what's going on, and historical expositions come off as lazy as they could have been cleverly mentioned offhand or in a context that made sense for the arc. The plot moves at the speed of light and gives no time for the viewer to relax and attempt to understand the bigger picture.
Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home (1986)
Bas
The writers use a mysterious planet-killing drone as a macguffin to send the classic Enterprise crew to 1986 to steal whales. As ridiculous and weak this premise is, it is only a cover for what I called the "Star Trek comedy hour." One gets the sense the writers smoked some reefer one night together and guffawed at the idea of Kirk and the gang walking around California in the 1980s. While Trek before and after this film contained comedic elements, this movie is overflowing with them. The crew violates the prime directive in several major ways and the film does not obey the laws of its own universe, such as engaging to warp speed while inside the atmosphere of a planet.
Star Trek III: The Search for Spock (1984)
Painfully Average
Major plotholes abound. It's slightly better than the first two movies, but taken by itself is nothing special. There are far better movies of that era in general, as ST:III is painfully average.
Star Trek: The Motion Picture (1979)
Boring
Slow paced movies can work, as long as there's a solid story and engaged characters. Alien (1979) is a great example of this. However, both these things are lacking in ST:TMP. One quickly gets the sense that most scenes drag on for so long for no other reason than to show off then state-of-the-art special effects. And while the special effects are lightyears ahead of the original series, viewers expect to watch a Star Trek movie and not what essentially amounts to a technical demo. Another small nitpick is the horribly atrocious uniforms literally everybody wears in this movie. Ugly unisex white or grey polyester looks ridiculous and manages to make the cheesey 60s uniforms look like designer workwear.
Star Trek: Requiem for Methuselah (1969)
Interesting plot overshadowed by base carnal desire
There are three major plot elements in "Requiem for Methuselah." There's been a Rigellan flu outbreak requiring precious resources to synthesize the cure, the sole inhabitant of the planet they beam down to is a 6,000 year old immoral being responsible for most of humanity's creative legacies, and an alluring female android causes Kirk to abandon all reason in his mad quest for lust. The three star rating I've given this episode should give you a clue as to which of the three overshadows the others by a huge margin.
The Rigellan flu plot turns out to be nothing but a macguffin to get Kirk and his boys down to the planet. The 6,000 year old immortal is an interesting idea and the discovery of his immortality was well executed, but ultimately it's rendered useless as the screen time is taken up by Kirk flying into adolescent rages over the woman.
Kirk becomes jealous, defensive, and combative after he smooches the woman right in front of his host and his crew. He jeopardizes the mission several times by trying to fight the technologically superior immortal rather than attempting diplomacy or remaining focused on his real purpose for being there. Despite warnings from Spock to control his base desires, Kirk freely ignores this advice and cannot let his lust for the woman go. He is completely out of control (and I'd say out of character) and will stop at nothing to obtain his prize.
Starfleet Command would undoubtedly order an inquiry into Kirk's actions in this episode based on the mission reports filed by McCoy and Spock. In my estimation Kirk crossed the line and was derelict in his assigned duties.
Star Trek: Picard: Farewell (2022)
The Writers Should Only Work On Children's Shows
When you've enjoyed countless well written classics of television and film it's hard to stomach low quality trash like Star Trek: Picard. Even if you discount the gargantuan contradictions in etablished Trek lore, the evidence available is way beyond what's required to prove the poor quality of this show. It's clear the showrunners have been using budget writers as well as allowing Stewart to affect what goes on in the writing room.
The primary plot of season 2 was Picard remembering he discovered his mother had hung herself which was made possible by him, and letting go of that guilt in order to be sent back to the correct timeline by Q so he can save the galaxy from a macguffin space laser.
Re-used shots, illogical or unreasonable character actions, aforementioned macguffins, tiresome expositions, lack of connection between the main cast, and the lack of an overall interesting plot plague this show since the first season. The writers lack the skill and ability to logically think through the story they are creating. For example in one episode it is clearly demonstrated that a character has a functioning transporter system. In the same or next few episodes, the characters run into a problem where they need to get aboard the ship because they're surrounded by armed bad guys. Instead of using the functioning transporter that a particular character has, the cast decides to split up and one party sneaks around while the other party goes on a suicide mission (which they miraculously survive).
It's all very absurd that these logical inconsistencies made it into the final versions of the scripts.
Star Trek: Picard: Assimilation (2022)
Prediction: This season will flop harder than the last
The third episode in this season had the chance to keep the momentum building that began after episode one's weak performance. However, it is clear now that this season will flop as episode three, 'Assimilation', was a terribly written piece of trash.
Our band of adventuring acquaintances conveniently find out they must go back to 2024 Los Angeles to find time-traveling aliens in order to.... what? Oh yes that's right, to find out how to stop the time disruption. It surely has nothing to do with saving production budget costs.
Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse the audience is treated to several woke scenes where both sides of certain issues are not intelligently discussed, but instead one-sidedly rammed into the audience's faces. It's a series of anti-trek visual monologues: Humans are bad for environment, and evil white humans are out to get poor immigrants in a hilariously cringe scene where jackbooted police literally bust down the main doors of a hospital.
At this point the only reasons I anxiously await the rest of this seasons episodes are to witness the depth to which the story was poorly written, and to revel in laughing at its badness with other real Trek fans online through forums and video reviews.
Star Trek: Picard: The Star Gazer (2022)
Joe-Biden Picard
After consuming a moderate amount of cannabis one evening, my two friends and I were ready to engage episode one of 'Star Trek: Picard' season two. Having witnessed the train wreck of 'Star Trek: Picard' season one, and being ardent fans of 'The Next Generation', our expectations were certainly not high. Only out of respect for the Jean-Luc Picard character and a morbid curiosity did we engage this show at all. This review will focus mainly upon the character Jean-Luc Picard which is the reason I'd argue the vast majority of viewers bother with this show.
It's apparent right away that Paramount+ is aware the show did poorly in season one. There appears to have been efforts made to address the concerns of the legions of angry Trek fans regarding the pessimistic, dark, brooding, and generally non-Trek tone of season one. Picard is a respected Starfleet admiral, Rios commands a Starfleet vessel, and the rest of the cast seems a lot more optimistic than their dark season one counterparts. Despite these concessions however, the show continues to piss on the fresh grave of Star Trek.
Jean-Luc Picard more closely resembles a dementia-ridden Joe Biden than he does 'Next Generation-era' Picard. Despite now inhabiting a synthetic golem body which would allow for flawless cognitive functioning, Picard continues to bumble around from one scene to the next like a dementia patient with a full diaper.
Picard rejects the advances of an attractive woman because of his own personal issues: Picard rebuffs the advances of his Romulan housemaid because of flashbacks of his mother being abused by his father despite no previous Trek series ever hinting of such an abuse ever taking place. This is obviously Patrick Stewart's own personal life experiences being forced onto the Picard character. While not a bad plot point, it simply does not fit the Picard character given what we know of him.
Picard is constantly talked down to by women: Just as in season one, Picard is constantly berated and shamed by women characters. Whether it's the attractive Romulan or an obviously fat Guinan, Picard is wrong and not doing the right thing because of his own personal issues. Picard offers no rebuttals or defense in the face of these assumptions and statements.
Picard's entire reason for joining Starfleet was his mother: Picard gives a speech to a graduating Starfleet academy class. Out of everything the character could have drawn upon, he chooses to dedicate his speech to his mother which was the sole reason for joining Starfleet. Nothing could be so absurd and ridiculous as this given what we know from 'The Next Generation'. It's obvious the writing team knows nothing beyond a simplistic understanding of Jean-Luc Picard.
Picard has no idea what to do about anything: A borg ship appears and requests Picard. He shows up and they request to beam over a representative. The next scene they're in a conference room discussing what to do when finally Admiral Picard is asked what he thinks they should do to which he responds, "I don't know." This is a man deemed fit to serve as an Admiral of the Federation and he's absolutely clueless.
It would take several hours to summarize the countless plot holes and inconsistencies about this show. 'Star Trek: Picard' is a textbook case study in bad writing, and should be used as course material for aspiring writers for examples of objective failure.
Star Trek: Catspaw (1967)
Boring
Sulu and Scotty fail a routine check-in on an away mission on a planet. Kirk, Spock, and McCoy beam down to investigate and discover a haunted Halloween mansion. They encounter two humanoid wizards. One is a friendlier sort and the other, who takes the form of a mean black cat, seeks only power. Kirk faces off against the evil wizard and attempts to seduce her to find her weaknesses. The good wizard helps them escape and the episode ends when Kirk destroys a magic wand that kills the aliens.
This episode was boring, bizarre, and predictable. As someone who's been binge watching the whole series, I have a clear recollection of recent episode themes. There's a discernible pattern of reused "aliens casting an illusion" story elements used throughout countless previous episodes. It's an acceptable story piece, but by the time the binge-watcher reaches 'Catspaw' it's grown into nothing more than an excuse to visit goofy Earth-based set pieces.
It would be pointless to dive deeper into why this episode is a rotten egg. It's something to laugh at amongst friends while high on a couple of cannabis edibles until you switch to a better episode.
Star Trek: Deep Space Nine: The Visitor (1995)
Nothing More To Say
Other reviewers have given it everything. All I can say is that no piece of television or film has ever impacted me as deeply as "The Visitor." I'm sure many female viewers enjoyed it, but being that the episode focuses on a father-and-son tragedy story, I'm going to assume the male viewer is much more impacted. The impact force I also suspect is based on the viewers own relationship with their father. If the relationship between the viewer and their father is healthy then the episode hits very personally. If the relationship is strained or non-existent, I could see the episode having much less oomph. Very few tv/film has the ability to make me shed real tears, and the visitor is definitely one of them. It's an example of one of the finest stories ever told on the screen in the long-gone golden age of television.
The Mandalorian (2019)
Season 3 blew it
The decent writing and simple plots of S1-2 are abandoned for nonsense and excuses for "cool blaster fights." The Mandalorians look like they're at a cosplay convention. They have unlimited jetpack fuel. One guy even jetpacks up from a subterranean cave up into space without running out of fuel. The Mandalorians are portrayed as superheroes that have mid-air jetpack fights and are almost never killed. The main characters must have taken at least 50 direct blaster rounds to various parts of their body during the season without any scratches at all. Moff Gideon turns into a super-evil villain with weak motivations. It's all just bad.
Star Trek: Picard (2020)
Jean-Luc Picard is No More
"...he went from a powerful, intelligent figure to a frail wisp of a man, who could barely make his own way home." These words were uttered by Jean-Luc Picard on stardate 44631.2 while recalling his late father. Nothing could be a more apt description of Jean-Luc Picard in this show. If we're honest with ourselves we realize the only reason we watched this show was to see Jean-Luc back in action. What we find is low quality writing and a very senior Stewart who doesn't have the gravitas anymore to headline a TV show.
The Witcher: Family (2021)
Nonsensical = S2
Many reviewers have chimed in about the apparent inconsistencies between the book and show. However, having not played much of the games and read none of the books I offer my unbiased, low-expectations review.
Plot:
Season 2 focuses a lot more on Ciri and her travels to the safety of Kaer Morhen. Along the way seemingly out of nowhere, a subplot develops towards three different female characters and their apparent enslavement by a demon who seeks to return to their world using them. In exchange, these women are granted certain powers or beneficial world events. To my recollection it's never really explained why this demon wants to return to their world, or how this demon can make a sterile elf woman pregnant again. The story culminates in the demon taking possession of Ciri at random, and there's cartoon-villain level fight at the end which sees everything miraculously wrapped up. Between it all, there are visually appetizing but ultimately pointless monster fights to remind the viewer it's The Witcher. The nonsensically abrupt story elements raise a lot more questions to the viewer than answers.
- Why was Jaskier even in S2? His only role was providing Geralt clues to Yen's behavior. Beyond that, he is utterly useless.
- The demon witch had no contact with Ciri for all 7 episodes. Why was Ciri suddenly possessed in E8?
- How can Geralt figure out major plotlines on a whim or with extremely minimal information? He's a monster fighter, not God.
- Why didn't Yen, who was personally invovled with Geralt, and who obviously knew Geralt was a monster fighter, confide in him about her contact with the demon witch? Surely that was a better move than killing your lovers daughter.
- How did Yen's sacrificial wounds magically heal, and her powers return, after absorbing the demon into her own body? How was Yen not possessed just as Ciri was? Where's the explanation on how she's able to contain it?
- Why was Vesemir, the supposed elder leader of the wolf school, reduced to a bumbling fool who was sometimes equal, sometimes inferior to Geralt?
- Geralt claims at the end he hasn't forgiven Yen, but a few scenes later its implied that he, Ciri, and Yen are a close-knit family unit that can trust one another. Ciri is seemingly okay with this and says nothing to Yen. I guess Yen's sacrificial act.
And those are just off the top of my head.
Technical:
Cinematography was adequate. Sound/music was adequate. A lot of the costumes looked low budget. Many times you see Geralt's armor look like it just came from the dry-cleaners. Hair and makeup are perfectly done, and it often looks like the actors are ready for a night out on the town rather than surviving in harsh/tense environments. Pacing was all over the place. Characters are saved in the nick of time every time for no other reason than to hurry the plot along. Very sloppy.
Conclusion: Season 1 was average and Season 2 was way below that. Too contrived, too cartoon-like, too implausible and nonsensical. For non-book readers, it did a terrible job at explaining anything that was happening. Even small details such as when the show is setting the scene in a different city, there's no fading in text telling us what city we're headed into. Instead the viewer is supposed to figure out what city it is, and it becomes especially frustrating when you return to a previously visited city but it's dark, and it's hardly recognizable during the CGI panning shot.
Dune (2021)
7.5/10 - Refreshing cinema in an age of peurile trash
As a person who has never read the books and has only stomached half the David Lynch version, this movie was a refreshing breath of fresh air that restored my faith in humanity.
In an age where the writing for all movies/television shows follow a strict guide of grimdark, teenager level emotional appeal, and nonsensical dialogue, Dune (2020) manages to remind people everywhere that there are adults still left in the movie-making industry.
The Good:
- Plausible storyline
- Sensical dialogue
- Great cast; Paul Atreides and Jessica was perfect.
- Fantastic sets
- Brilliant atmosphere
- Unique soundtrack by Hanz Zimmer (you can really tell he tried to bring a different soundscape to this film)
The Not So Good:
- Jason Momoa is easily the weakest cast choice. I've head it stated Jason Momoa plays himself in every movie, and tend to agree somewhat with him in this film.
- The pacing is sometimes dreadfully slow. This isn't a bad thing in and of itself (see Blade Runner 2049), but I feel there were too many long scenic shots of ships slowly taking off or landing etc. While the CGI was top notch, it felt like a lot of those extra seconds of shots added up to a chunk of the movie being filler.
Conclusion: I wouldn't go as far to call it a true masterpiece. It definitely ranks high above average, and is a great piece of cinema to enjoy with other sci-fi lovers.
The Witcher (2019)
SEASON 2
If you're a Witcher book reader or game enthusiast let me propose you watch this show temporarily suspending your knowledge of either. What you will find is a poorly put together piece of predictable fantasy with Henry Cavill there to keep the boat afloat.
- Characters show up just in the nick of time. All the time.
- Costumes look very low budget (Vesemir's outfit looked terrible)
- Hair always looks perfectly styled and held with hairspray (S1 was better)
- The world is so clean and doesn't look lived in at all
- Nonsensical story elements (they make a new witcher mutagen using Ciri's elderblood in 2 seconds after they just finished admitting no one knows how they were made)
This show lacks a logical and believable story or progression. We get to hear about Ciri's menstrual pads instead of the characters telling us what is going on.
Rome (2005)
Worth It
This series hits hard. Despite Antony being an unlikable brute, the portrayal of his sorrow after being told Cleopatra was dead moved me to tears. Flawless acting from all characters involved.
Vikings (2013)
Lmao
The show was pretty average while Travis Fimmel played the role of Ragnar. The scenery, lighting, and camera-work were all pretty good. Unfortunately the historical accuracy, dialogu, and story are terribly lackluster. While barely following chronological events from real history, after Ragnar's death you can tell the writers just ran out of material. Indeed, much of the events after the real Ragnar was killed are lost to time. You can see this in the show as it gets weaker as the seasons drag on.
Only the uneducated and unintelligent will enjoy this show. Those who have read/watched brilliant masterpieces will heartily giggle as this show attempts to convince you it's serious.
Vikings (2013)
Lmao
The show was pretty average while Travis Fimmel played the role of Ragnar. The scenery, lighting, and camera-work were all pretty good. Unfortunately the historical accuracy, dialogu, and story are terribly lackluster. While barely following chronological events from real history, after Ragnar's death you can tell the writers just ran out of material. Indeed, much of the events after the real Ragnar was killed are lost to time. You can see this in the show as it gets weaker as the seasons drag on.
Only the uneducated and unintelligent will enjoy this show. Those who have read/watched brilliant masterpieces will heartily giggle as this show attempts to convince you it's serious.
Enterprise: Acquisition (2002)
Hilariously bad
The acting isn't what's terrible about this episode. It's the writing. The plotholes are so big you could drive an ocean liner through them. The ferengi looters spend all their time trying to search for a vault of gold that doesn't exist, when ferengi society thinks gold is largely valueless. Gold-pressed Latinum is valuable on the other hand because it's a tiny droplet of latinum totally encapsulated by pressed gold.
The problems the Ferengi's face could have easily been avoided if they simply took command of the ship and flew it to a trek equivalent of a chop shop. This way they could sell off literally everything on the ship that wasn't bolted down inside. They could have easily removed the sleeping crews onto escape pods and jettisoned them if not just massacre the crew. Literally nothing stopped them from doing this, and finding people the sleeping gas missed wouldn't have been much of an issue by using internal sensors from the bridge.
Instead the Ferengi are so stupid and go about their plunder in the most inefficient way which conveniently opens up opportunities for the crew to wake up and take back the ship.
Trip wakes T'pol up in one scene and the first logical thing literally anybody in that situation would do would be to inform their crewmate (in this case a commanding officer) that the ship had been taken over. Instead Trip says nothing, notices T'Pol perplexingly looking at him in his underwear, and he makes a joke about it.
It's this kind of cringe writing that is not based on reality that earns this episode and this series a failing grade.
Enterprise (2001)
Trek is Dead
This was the last "old trek" show to come out before the 2009 reboot era and discovery/picard. I had already seen all the other old trek series and movies and enjoyed them thoroughly and always heard bad things about ENT, but due to having nothing better to do decided to finally check it out.
What I had been told was correct. I'm not even six episodes in and it's already laughable. These people have been training at starfleet for years. It's the first ship humanity has sent out capable of long self-sustaining voyages. You would expect the crew especially the bridge officers to be the greatest humanity has to offer in terms of professionalism and ability. Instead they act like a bunch of horny college kids.
There is zero respect for the chain of command and Captain Archer is constantly questioned in front of the crew. This would never happen on a ship in 2021 nevermind 2150. TNG is a good example how you can respect the chain of command in the writing while not having it come off as too wooden or dull.
The Captain constantly makes stupid decisions as if his training meant nothing. He doesn't follow proper starfleet procedures and he and half the crew acts like they're on an interstellar vacation.
Enterprise (2001)
Trek is Dead
This was the last "old trek" show to come out before the 2009 reboot era and discovery/picard. I had already seen all the other old trek series and movies and enjoyed them thoroughly and always heard bad things about ENT, but due to having nothing better to do decided to finally check it out.
What I had been told was correct. I'm not even six episodes in and it's already laughable. These people have been training at starfleet for years. It's the first ship humanity has sent out capable of long self-sustaining voyages. You would expect the crew especially the bridge officers to be the greatest humanity has to offer in terms of professionalism and ability. Instead they act like a bunch of horny college kids.
There is zero respect for the chain of command and Captain Archer is constantly questioned in front of the crew. This would never happen on a ship in 2021 nevermind 2150. TNG is a good example how you can respect the chain of command in the writing while not having it come off as too wooden or dull.
The Captain constantly makes stupid decisions as if his training meant nothing. He doesn't follow proper starfleet procedures and he and half the crew acts like they're on an interstellar vacation.
Xian si jue (1983)
A wild fantastical ride through the lens of eastern culture
Honor, respect, dignity, nobility. These themes run heavily throughout 'Duel to the Death' as the viewer is taken on a fantastical journey to ancient China. The acting, cinematography, and choreography all shine with a high degree of excellence. The male viewer will be especially impacted by this movie.