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Legend (1985)
It's a wonderful film that isn't much good.
26 July 2005
I'm not sure that you can rate this film in the traditional sense. It's not a good movie, let's get that out of the way. The theatrical cut borders on downright bad, even.

The plot -a dark lord seeking to kill the unicorns in order to bring never ending darkness on the world- is about what you'd expect. I mean, it's more or less standard fantasy fare, intentionally utilizing archetypes and fantastical settings rather than realistic, well-rounded characters or a believable world. And this is one of the strengths of the film. It's attempting to be a prototypical legend and appeal to that part of us that created these kind of stories so long ago. It's not supposed to be realistic and I'm not even sure you're supposed to be able to relate with the characters, just identify them.

The acting is excellent in some places (Tim Curry pwns j00) and lacking in others (Tom Cruise and Mia Sara). But really, the weaknesses in their acting are highlighted by the brilliance of Curry, some cheesy lines they can't deliver convincingly, and poor pacing. The plot is what it is, but because it is, it has to be executed near perfectly in order to maintain interest. Unfortunately, in this film wasn't. The first part of the movie drags and drags and to make it worse, it's focused on Cruise and Sara who just aren't up to the task of carrying such weight. A couple of scenes and dialogue were just a little over the top in terms of establishing the purity or revolting natures of characters, or just too silly considering the greater context of the film (blocking arrows with a frying pan?), and these didn't really add anything to movie. The latter half or so was better, but the climax wasn't quite as... climactic as I might have hoped. And none of the flaws were lucky enough to be covered up by a moving score, which listening to now, reeks of 80s synthesized pop.

So this is a pretty mediocre film with some strengths and a lot of weaknesses. But it's still one of my favorites. Why? Because Ridley Scott is the director, and no one creates cinematic art the way he does.

There are a couple of shots in the film that are just visual poetry, literally breathtaking. Lily's run through the columns, the dance with the black dress, numerous forest and winter scenes, and pretty much anything with the Lord of Darkness in it are beautiful and unforgettable. The physical presence of Curry in the make-up combined with his unholy acting talent! would redeem "Street Fighter", much less a Ridley Scott film. "Legend" is flawed in so many ways that I doubt it could be made into an actually "good" cut, but that almost makes it better. To echo some other reviewers, this is the flawed masterpiece, something approaching greatness and filled with promise that it just can't reach. In its own way, this movie is itself legendary.

For all of this -nevermind the forty-thousand different cuts that have come out of the years- rating "Legend" from one to ten just doesn't work. It deserves a three in some places and in others it's a ten. It's a wonderful film that isn't much good. But whatever it is, it's definitely worth seeing.
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The Batman (2004–2008)
3/10
"It's not Batman the Animated Series"
3 April 2005
I think that can sum up this show about as well as anything. Batman TAS may be the worst thing to ever happen to cartoons based on comic books because everything that comes after will be compared to it and nothing has measured up yet. It's just too damn good. Was Batman Beyond good? "Yeah, but it was no TAS." Is Justice League good? "It's not too bad, but it's no TAS."

The Batman is certainly no TAS, either, but I won't hold that against it. It would be unfair and besides, it has plenty of other problems with it.

The concept of a younger, less experienced Batman fighting crime is a fine one, and at times the art is very nice. But all of the rest of the time, the art is worthless Americanime, and this betrays a lot of the flaws of the show itself. It is paced, written, and designed like an Americanime. If I wanted to watch Jackie Chan Adventures, I'd watch Jackie Chan Adventures. Or I could just bang my head into a wall any time and get the same effect. The Joker is a homicidal, mentally unstable clown in a suit who uses his wits, unpredictability, and clever gadgets to fight Batman. When he is forced to fight hand to hand, he will either resort to something cheap or be totally outmatched. He is not meant to be a monkey with dreadlocks who knows kung-fu and can leap into twenty feet into the air, accompanied by speed lines. If they had wanted to do that with a villain, there were other less important characters they could have used or *gasp* they could have created a new one entirely. And it's not that re-imaginings are a bad thing, don't get me wrong. TAS (there I go again) took Mr. Freeze from your standard icegun-wielding B villain and made him into a memorable and morally complex character. Of course Freeze wasn't exactly a classic villain at the time and they performed an upgrade, but the point stands. What The Batman does is it takes everything you liked about Batman comics and lore and takes a large, smelly dump on them. Guess what? They were eating corn.

It's obvious this show can't stand against TAS but stand it on its own legs and it still doesn't work for me. The plots aren't good and they don't develop any better. They've been written for the demographic of children under twelve. Should children be able to enjoy a show? Of course they should. This shouldn't be an adult show with swearing, nudity, and gratuitous violence. But the mark of a truly good show is that it can be enjoyed on different levels by all ages. This show misses that mark.

Is this show a TAS? No, of course not. The problem is it's not even a JLU.
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Surf Ninjas (1993)
10/10
10/10, but that's because I'm biased
19 November 2004
I loved this movie as a kid. My sister and I must have watched it at least twenty or thirty times. And, yes, we laughed every damn time. This is why my review and my opinion are absolutely useless. I remember lines like," I swallow the key every Tuesday," and just crack up. Surf Ninjas is a great movie for kids and simple minds, so for a simple mind like my own, this was and is perfect. I can't form an objective opinion about this because my mind is tainted by all of the joy it brought over a decade ago.

Watch this movie without expecting anything but comedy. It provides it, usually intentionally and some times not. There's a reason no one got nominated for an Oscar from this movie. This seems to be the beginning of the Rob Schneider films of suckitude, but hey, like I said, I enjoyed this one. If you can't laugh at least a couple of times while watching this film, you have to have a serious problem with your humor receptors.

Yes, this is a 10/10 because you can't measure a child's happiness in how good the movie actually is.
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