cellocolin Reviews

The Beach House (II) (2019)

seasick

[1/10 · 23 December 2021]

Unwatchable due to nauseating shaky camera. The audio is weirdly tinny too. From what I can tell the material is 100% derivative anyway so I'm not missing anything by turning this off.

The Block Island Sound (2020)

Had me most of the way

[6/10 · 22 December 2021]

Lots of positives - the dad and son, the conspiracy theorist friend, the score and general atmosphere - some negatives - very annoying and miscast sister characters, no point in the daughter or beta orbiter coworker characters. Ultimately it would have been better without the ending, which completely contradicts the tone of the entire movie. Also, they just kind of forget about all the ocean elements to go "LOL ALIENS."

Payback: Straight Up (2006 Video)

Substantially improved, except...

[8/10 · 17 October 2021]

In general this is a much improved cut, with annoying hollywoodisms removed, but there are a couple scenes that should have stayed in for the sake of people who never watched the theatrical:

-the scene that shows the doctor fixing Porter at the beginning -the scene that shows how Porter knows who to ask for to find Rosie

There are probably other small bits I'm forgetting, but it's a minor gripe. The new ending is better as well.

Saw (2004)

boring amateur ripoff

[3/10 · 14 October 2021]

Horrible acting, nonsense character behavior & motivations, awful script, annoying cinematography, completely derivative. Not even a horror movie. Yawn. If you like this you are very stupid.

Cape Fear (1991)

embarassing

[3/10 · 2 October 2021]

Corny, pointless, inferior remake. De Niro (not a great actor in general) is simply awful in this, possibly his worst role ever. Hackneyed mess of a finale.

Asylum Blackout (I) (2011)

misunderstood and politicized

[7/10 · 18 February 2021]

This is an excellent and original movie with nice acting and a good script. It is unfairly maligned by the low IQ reviewers on this site because they think the ending is saying that the whole movie was a dream - it's not, it's showing the character having PTSD nightmares after the fact

Kill List (2011)

hyped by nerds for no good reason

[3/10 · 16 December 2020]

1. not horror 2. The actors are hideous and it's impossible to care about the characters 3. dialog is hard to hear 4. boring intro is half an hour too long 5. shaky camera for no reason 6. nonsense reddit plot

Aguirre, the Wrath of God (1972)

Possibly the most beautiful movie of all time

[10/10 · 14 August 2020]

A tale older than time - man goes crazed with power on a doomed expedition to an imaginary place - masterfully told, without even a second of extraneous or out of place content. The cinematography and sound design are particular standouts. Herzog's masterpiece among masterpieces.

Black Mountain Side (2014)

Well done

[7/10 · 12 August 2020]

The story is classic demonology, with a Thing-like element of isolation and paranoia and just a little bit of Lovecraft. The acting and script are believable and fine, the cinematography is genuinely nice besides a few amateurish lens flares. Great mood piece.

The "voice" is massive cringe though, bad design decision to make it sound like that

The Sandglass (1973)

lol so random xd

[3/10 · 7 August 2020]

A nice atmospheric start, but it rapidly turned into utter nonsense

Deep Red (1975)

Unmistakably pulp, but still good

[8/10 · 22 July 2020]

Note that this is not a horror movie, it is a slowish crime pulp flick. Great visual style, solid acting, decent soundtrack

The Fog (1980)

Worst Carpenter film in a 21 year span

[4/10 · 19 July 2020]

OK idea, and some genuinely nice wide shots, but the story barely moves and it's impossible to care about the fate of any of these bored, stupid, unlikable characters. Poor lighting and sound design as well (I will never get why Carpenter insists on adding weird-ass laser noises when people/ghosts/things move in the background in all his movies). It only got worse and worse as we approached the alleged climax and denouement. No rewatch ever..

Suspiria (I) (2018)

Why do these people always have to make everything about the holocaust?

[2/10 · 18 July 2020]

Title 0 stars really, but IMDB removes all 1 star ratings.

The only reason this movie gets good reviews is from limp wristed hipsters who like Radiohead, it's completely vulgar and uninteresting.

Inferno (1980)

Would be better without Keith Emerson's tasteless score

[6/10 · 18 July 2020]

A compelling watch, but the wildly inappropriate soundtrack stinks and detracts heavily from the mood

The Chronicles of Riddick (2004)

boring

[2/10 · 3 July 2020]

Derivative, unwatchable faggy CGI mess with 0 actors in it.

Leviathan (1989)

it is ok

[6/10 · 25 June 2020]

Everything good about this movie was directly copied from The Thing, just watch that instead. Bumped it up 1 star for Amanda Pays' jiggling jubblies.

Stick It (2006)

pretty bad

[20 January 2018]

Not a very good movie. It has it's charms if you watch it with the sound off. Whoever wrote the script should probably consider a career in roofing. Jeff Bridges is the only character who seems like a human being.

Turn Me On, Dammit! (2011)

creepy pedophile movie

[2/10 · 22 May 2017]

Whoever made this definitely belongs in jail for sex crimes Nordic people have always been into some horrifying illegal content (see: color climax) and this case is no exception.

Take your kids to church, don't let them watch movies, it doesn't have to be Hollywood for it to be made by pedophiles (though those movies are too, ask Roseanne Barr or Elijah wood)

0 stars really, but IMDB removes all ratings below 2 from the algorithm.

Hail, Caesar! (2016)

good if you aren't a drooling chimp

[11 March 2017]

Pretty accurate representation of the early Jewish marxist takeover of the film industry, in lighthearted and funny fashion.

Most of the poor reviews from this movie are from people simply far too stupid to understand it... maybe the next Michael Bay movie will be more to their tastes.

Blade Runner (1982)

could be worse I guess

[2/10 · 28 February 2017]

Not completely unwatchable, but as is normal for Hollywood a terrible adaptation of a great novel. In this case, they managed to completely flip the meaning of the book backwards, man that's embarrassing Also has NOT aged well at all, and has one of Vangelis' worst soundtracks ever.

Harrison Ford spends the entire movie looking like he just wants to finish filming and go home already. All sympathy is missing from PKD's original characters, leaving only empty bland one-dimensional shells.

One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest (1975)

utter crap compared to the book

[2/10 · 28 February 2017]

Misses the point on virtually everything from Kesey's masterpiece, casting decisions are awful (Jack Nicholson is completely 1 dimensional), sluggishly boring attempt at redoing a book that will never work as a good movie.

This amateurishly simple movie turns One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest from an exploration on the nature of the mind & sanity into just a loudmouth guy goofing off in a hospital. v bad

Mad Max: Fury Road (2015)

"mad max"

[1/10 · 16 May 2015]

Why does a movie called Mad Max barely feature the title character at all? This is supposed to be a movie about Mad Max, not about a bunch of strong independent women with shaved heads or whatever.

What do you think gender relations would actually be like in an apocalyptic situation? Oh wait I forgot, anything men can do women can do better etc. lol OK

Don't waste your money, it's bad enough that it's completely mindless without the Hollywood femtard propaganda. If you really want to see it, pirate it. If they profit from stupid movies like this, the next round of them will be even worse.

Kingsman: The Secret Service (2014)

Nothing new, interesting, or particularly engaging

[2/10 · 26 March 2015]

Watchable enough, but with the clichéd plot, every character being an idiotic stereotype, blatant "diversity" quotas, total disregard for physics, and shaky-camera fight scenes, it's hardly a worthwhile endeavour.

Also too many (gay liberal) political talking points stuffed in there