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Reviews
The Image of You (2024)
Painfully slow and predictable
Fells like a B-movie and shot/directed like a soap opera. I guess it's official, Mira Sorvino's career is over. Along with Nestor Carbonell which seems strange since I have seen him in better films recently.
The basic premise takes over an hour to set up which is essentially that twin sisters are falling for the same guy and he just has to have them both. Hey, who wouldn't. And anything resembling a plot twist (even though they are just copying other films that came before) happens in the last 15 minutes of the film. Just keep hitting that fast-forward fifteen seconds for the first hour and you won't miss a thing.
White Noise (2022)
How did this film get green-lit?
Not sure who is to blame for this awful film, I guess it's all on Baumbach's shoulders. I couldn't finish it. The acting is abysmal, the lines are delivered in a way where I kept thinking "Nobody talks like this, not even in the 80's". I was left wondering if the "White Noise" was the words coming out of the actor's mouths. But I will never know, nor will I ever really care to know why the film carries this name. Kudos to all of you who were able to sit through this film without falling asleep. Can you believe they spent $140 million on this film? Hopefully this will end Baumbach's career, he has no business writing/directing a film.
Bodies Bodies Bodies (2022)
We got dat bass
If you want to watch a bunch of whining GenZ actors screaming the f-word at each other in a "horror" film with an incredibly stupid ending, this film has got you covered. Not scary, not well crafted, just a desperate attempt to be trendy. Scream did it first and did it way better.
I suppose the characters in this film could resonate with the typical GenZ crowd. When the power goes out in the middle of a hurricane, they lose access to their phones which apparently they can't live without - literally. They devolve into screaming matches, trading insults about "who really likes my podcast" and "whose parents have more money" - you know, stuff that really matters.
I'd love to have that wasted time back. How do these movies get made??
Nope (2022)
The trailer was interesting... the film was not
Peele has become M. Night Shyamalan. He has concepts that he wants to explore, but the stories suffer. Things that should be subtle subtext are core aspects of the film and they just aren't that interesting. So when he sets the trailer up as a horror/UFO story, yet the film is really about something else, it just becomes a poorly made horror film that is a huge letdown to the audience. The pacing is so slow that by the time the UFO thing shows up, it feels more like Sharknado than a serious horror film. Peele needs to focus on telling a good story FIRST.
Same thing happened to M. Night after The Sixth Sense. He started believing the rumors that he was the next Spielberg and getting this big head about what a genius he was, next thing you know, his movies suffered. He forgot how to entertain an audience and wanted to stand on his soapbox handing out his social commentary. Peele has talent, but he needs to get over this student film amateur hour and realize that people go to the movies for good stories and entertainment. If you want to see what a good horror film looks like, go enjoy The Black Phone.
Silent Night (2021)
I've never been so bored
Maybe it's an English thing, but this film is not funny at all. It's dark, I will give it that. Are we supposed to believe that this is what people would do on their last night alive? "I know, let's have a dinner party and talk about stuff - maybe make a few quips. Cheerio!"
The Guilty (2021)
A Bit Intense At Times
Jake Gyllenhaal is always interesting to watch. The movie fails at the script level and the contrived dialogue left me feeling nothing for the characters. There were a few twists but I didn't care enough for the characters that it made an impact. I found myself feeling the tension and then the acting/script would take me right out of it.
Behind the Sightings (2021)
Blair Witch with Clowns
So, this is a mockumentary (not documentary) even though it tries to pull off a doc feel with lame costumes and bad acting. After the era of Blair Witch, you can't get away with this stuff anymore - especially if it's a blatant ripoff. Hard pass on this - and expect the rating to plummet to a 2-star film soon.
Mr. Weekend (2020)
Don't be fooled by the high rating
This film is "student" quality. No character development and has a very basic story line. The only thing "noir" about the film is the fact that it was stripped down to back-and-white - for whatever reason. Prepare yourself for 90 minutes of "why am I watching this movie?". Some of the actors are decent, but it won't save the poor writing and storytelling.
Raised by Wolves (2020)
Slow and boring with the visual effects of Sharknado
There will be spoilers
I need to vent because I was so disappointed by this series. Now look, I love Ridley Scott - Alien, Blade Runner, Gladiator... I mean, the man is a genius. However, this show was absolutely terrible. Don't be fooled by these sycophants. The story is mildly interesting for the first two episodes, then it drags and drags with loose ends and plot-holes for about 7 episodes only to resolve with a flying snake monster which is impervious to lava. It's so dumb, I don't even care what happens next season.
The series reminded me of Lost, where they would entice you with "hints" of things but never delivers. When they finally reveal something, you are left thinking "is that it?". Tropes of androids who act more human and called "Mother" (of course). Add in some classic "space madness" and flying monsters that defy any kind of logic and this is the mess I spent 10 hours watching.
And the CGI was so crappy, I mean come on. The creature design was awful! Don;t waste your time on this series - go watch Fargo on FX, at least the writing is compelling there. And they don't need flying space snakes.
Patterns of Evidence: The Moses Controversy (2019)
Religious Propaganda
In a previous film, Tim Mahoney attempts to use fringe theories from David Rohl to shift the timeline of Egyptian history to better align with the Bible. Crazy, right? Well, in this episode of Crazy Part 2, Mahoney wants to prove that Moses wrote the first books of the Bible (alone, including his own obituary) by tracing an unknown language back to this shifted timeline.
Let's be honest, Rohl is no expert. Look him up on Wikipedia. He basically studied Egypt while in a rock band and then obtained a BA degree. He is not a "scholar" as Mahoney positions him to be. The other person in the camp is Dr. Douglas Petrovich from The Bible Seminary, and shockingly also holds this theory.
My biggest complaint of the film is that Mahoney actually has some REAL experts in the film, people with a long history of academia that disagree with him on his findings. Yet, Mahoney never asks them WHY they think he is wrong - you know, present the evidence from the opposition. Mahoney essentially comes to the conclusion that mainstream academics are just a bunch of fundamentalists that only parrot what their professors tell them. Well, how about that...
So instead of asking more relevant questions to the academics, he would rather ask them if they believe in God - setting them up as some kind of boogeyman. How is this question relevant to the investigation? Honestly?
So Google it yourself, it's an easy way to topple this house of cards which is dependent on shifting an historical timeline in order to make it work. There is a short article from National Geographic called "We may now know which Egyptian pharaoh challenged Moses" that sums up why Mahoney is wrong. Yet, he never asks the real experts for evidence against his position, he just moves forward, stacking on crackpot theories.
This is a desperate propaganda film which is attempting to build credibility to fundamentalist Christian ideology. And if Mahoney had removed all of the religious posturing and special effect sequences, we probably could have shortened this thing down to an hour.
The Jesus Rolls (2019)
Has nothing to do with The Jesus
I love John Turturro, I love The Big Lebowski and I love bowling! This movie had little of that - in fact, I think you could swap out the main Jesus character and call it something else and still have the same movie.
John Turturro was on Colbert last night and showed a clip of him dancing with a woman in the bowling alley. That scene is in the movie, it's maybe 5 minutes long and that is the ONLY reference to bowling in the whole movie. Jesus, in The Big Lebowski, was obsessed with bowling and a better story would be around that obsession. ANY story of any kind would be preferred to this aimless road trip movie that goes absolutely nowhere. If you decide to waste your time with this movie, don't blame me. I tried to warn you.
Fare (2016)
Some potential but falls flat
This film wasn't terrible, but it takes a turn that makes no sense. I'm happy it didn't drag on for two hours. It takes a while to get going and the foreshadowing is obvious and a little goofy. There were some sparks of tension in the last 20 minutes, but as I said before, you just end up asking, "what, why"? with no answers to be found. It seems like they just threw cryptic stuff into the film for the sake of confusing the audience. Poor writing and story structure, which is too bad because it had potential.
Audacity (2015)
The Ray Comfort Hero Film
SPOILERS AHEAD
Ever feel like your life's work is a joke and you can't reach anyone because your views are so wacky that you are laughed out of the conversation? Well, if you have the backing of thousands of credulous Christians - just make a move about how you ARE relevant!
This film was so bad, and so self serving, I was cringing throughout the entire thing. Ray Comfort, the banana man Bible-thumping street interviewer, has made himself the hero of this film by making his street interviews the cornerstone of reason for everyone who comes into contact with them. Not only that, but Ray adds product placement of items (religious tracts) that you can buy on his website!! But hey, when your religion tells you that the creator of the universe counts the hairs on your head - of course you are going to have an ego problem. Wait, the universe doesn't revolve around me?
The writing is a train wreck. Ray has built these vignettes that are completely disjointed except for one central message - that Ray Comfort is doing the right and noble thing by telling people they are going to Hell, and by God, it is working! He is saving souls! Although in the real world, this is the exact opposite of what is happening. Religion is in sharp decline in the US and Fundamentalists like Ray are completely out of touch with the rest of humanity.
So if you are in need of an escape from the real world and want to believe that evangelists are doing good work with the money you give them, this is the perfect movie to escape from reality. Ray Comfort is a modern-day hero for Jesus, and now he has a movie to prove it! If you are going to name the title of the film after yourself to describe your methods of dealing with people, I think "Narcissist" would have been more appropriate.
Mad Max: Fury Road (2015)
Mad at Max - But it's a dry heat
First of all, I loved the original Mad Max and The Road Warrior - not so much Thunderdome. Miller has a unique vision and really knows how to amp your adrenaline button. I am going to divide this review up in what I liked and didn't like about the new film. I will keep the content vague enough as to not give spoilers
First of all, I loved the creativity and art direction, you really do feel pulled into this world. It doesn't matter where on Earth this takes place, you recognize the pieces of the machinery and it screams "apocalyptic assimilation". Five stars for the creative vehicles, traps, weapons, etc. This is what the Mad Max universe is all about.
I really loved the fact that the trailer contained mostly scenes from the first 15 minutes of the film, so there is a lot of new footage to behold. I hate when trailers give away all the best parts of the film that leaves you just wanting to watch the trailer again and skip the full feature price.
Miller can direct an amazing sequence of action. Time and time again through the film, I could feel the adrenaline rising and my heart pounding - it is rare to get such a rush from films these days. There are a lot of surprises in the action, classic Miller unpredictability.
As for the violence, yes there is plenty of guys getting shot, blown up and run over. However, there isn't much graphic carnage. I am not complaining, but I not sure how they got the "R" rating. Granted there is a little bit of boob nudity, but no cursing that I could make out. I have seen more carnage on The Walking Dead, so not sure what the R was protecting teens from. Don't take your kids FFS!
Max loses points for poor script and character development. As to not spoil anything, I won't go into explicit detail, but you really don't care much about the characters. Max is plagued by visions of the dead throughout the film, and there is a lot of talk about redemption, but it never really resolves. There are many attempts to inject some sense of humanity into characters, but for the most part the audience doesn't care. Shouldn't we be blowing something up right now?
The film score is often right on the mark and then way off track. The beating drums and wailing guitar will hit their marks and then all of the sudden we are not doing anything terribly exciting and the score sounds like the Excalibur theme. It's like they decided that when the action is brought down to a calm, we had better amp the music up somehow.
Tom Hardy was terrible as Max. Honestly I don't know if it was the direction they were going or the lack of dialogue for Max, but Vin Diesel has shown more emoting as Groot. The film didn't even seem to need him all that much, it could have easily been called "Furiosa's Wild Ride". This was either poor casting or poor script/directing because I love Hardy's other work.
This film was geared for 3D and although I prefer to see films in 2D, I could tell there was too many attempts to feed the 3D machine. Can we agree that 3D is dead and just make films for audiences to enjoy now? Stop making everything come at me bro! I was also a little disappointed by the clearly excessive use of CGI. I loved all of the practical vehicles and stunts, so when I see crappy CGI, it takes me out of the moment. Keep it real, don't get lazy.
Overall, this film is a heart pounding thrill ride. I enjoyed my experience but it did not leave me wanting to see it again. Once you see the action sequences, you are pretty much done.
They Came Together (2014)
Imagine an SNL skit that goes on for 90 minutes
I was really hoping for a good laugh, but this film was just awful. Don't waste any time or money here, there is nothing original or interesting here.
At first, it seemed like a Sleepless in Seattle parody with two mentally ill people, but then it just went all over the place attempting desperately to be funny or quirky. It was like the cast of SNL and The Office got together to make a cheap movie. You will play the part of "the sucker" if you buy it.
The writing is just horrible. Everyone has a comedic delivery as the cast from Anchorman, but without the funny parts. Everything is just dry and awkward, hollow characters telling stories that aren't interesting or funny. I know it sounds incredibly tempting, but go watch Ghostbusters or Airplane - at least those will make you laugh.