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Reviews
G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (2009)
Written by a 13 year old.
Gunfest for pre-pubescent males. Written by a 12 year old who's spent his life so far in his mum's basement playing badly written first person shooters. Such a Cull of Duty and Boom. It would have been better if they had spent 10% of the explosives budget on a decent writer. I cannot stress how infantile and peurile this piece of junk really is. Even if you treat this as a beer and popcorn movie it's still rubbish. The military toys are clearly set up to unashamedly sell kids toys and/or collectibles. It's totally predicable, the characters are shallow and unlikeable, even the crude two children bolt on. Don't waste your time.
Black Adam (2022)
Hire some decent writers
Yet another SFX extravaganza. Lots of great CGI but characterisation is weak. Dialogue cliche ridden and seems written by a 15 year old. I guess it's ok as a popcorn film but I soon got bored of the same fight scene over and over. I wish they would spend more time building characters and then go into the action. But I guess audiences have the attention span of a goldfish and can't wait. Trite and predictable. Spend less on the effects and more on writing a decent story with fleshed out characters. Same as every other superhero movie. Please please do something different and give us a superhero film not and at teens.
The Marvels (2023)
Singing? Really?!?!
You need to have seen wandavision and ms marvel for this drivel to make any sense. It seems to be one unrelated fight after another. Again we sacrifice story for CGI nonsense. Why is the purple hammer so powerful? Is it an infinity stone? The two tv series must have built the characters because there is no character building in this drivel. A singing society to appear to Bollywood fans? Who is the baddie? Where did she appear from? It's like they needed a bad guy so there she is. Marvel really has lost its way since being bought by Disney they need to go back to doing inane move and leave the superhero stuff to better writers than this rubbish. Don't waste you time.
Rebel Moon - Part One: A Child of Fire (2023)
Crude unsophisticated drivel
I don't know why Snyder gets to make films. This is Terrible. Crudely written, wooden dialogue, and terrible cliche storyline. Unnecessary set pieces that are meant to establish character but they are so badly done that there is no emotion there. The extended versions for parts one and two must be excruciating to watch. Justice league was also terrible, irrespective of the version as is this. Don't waste your time. It's a crude rip off of Star Wars and Dune crudely mashed together with zero insight or originality. Predictable and tedious. I can see why Disney rejected this as a Star Wars movie, it should never have been made.
Into the Lost Crystal Caves (2010)
Completely over dramatised.
The caves are amazing but the narration is terrible. Repeating "it can kill them" and "one mistake is certain death" is total nonsense. Yes, there are risks but this is typical over dramatisation. The tone is so over exaggerated detracting from the sheer majesty of the caves. We get the point it's hot and humid down there. Being told twenty times is not necessary. It's gets a five for the amazing crystals but the terrible script prevents any higher rating. It tries to big up the risks time after time. Becomes irritating very quickly. It could be so much better if the scriptwriter were sacked and someone capable hired.
The Man from U.N.C.L.E. (2015)
Terrible casting. Worse accents
Henry Cavill as an American agent with British, accent and Saville row suits. An American actor with the worst Russian accent imaginable. How could they have got this more wrong? Wait, Alicia Viskander. The story is implausible, the casting woeful. The sixties were portrayed well, which is why it gets four starts and not one. But I can't get past the miscasting if they had cast the American as solo and a Russian actor as Kuryakin it could have worked. Ritchie needs to stick to London gangster movies, which are great. This seems to be trying to be one of those, but with terrible accents and great suits.
The Italian Job (2003)
Great movie
Would have had 10 stars but the Mini's were always in the wrong order. In the original film they are always in the order Red, White and Blue. The story was good, making this a worth sequel. The only downside is the fact that Norton seems to have phoned in his performance. Stunt sequences are done really well. Story is a bit predictable after the initial twist, but nice to see the a hole get his comeuppance. As with all these types of films, they underestimate the weight of gold and throw it around like Lego bricks. Still a nice popcorn film where you don't need to turn your brain on. Still worth a watch.
Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny (2023)
Recycled cliches
Waller-bridge is irritating and shallow. There is very little character develop. They seem to have forgotten how to write a story. Even the basics of: beginning, middle, climax and ending. This goes straight into cliched set piece action sequences with very little context. The characters are shallow so you couldn't care less if they succeed. Waller-bridge is terrible. Hateful character, badly portrayed.the Antikythera mechanism was a corroded lump of metal, not a pristine functioning device. No appropriating this is such a crude trope. A fictional device would have worked better, but that relies on effort from the lazy writers.
Star Trek: Strange New Worlds: Those Old Scientists (2023)
Frames should be directing traffic, which he would also mess up
Frakes should never be let near a directors chair. This is terrible. Morphing spoof cartoon characters into humans. Who ever thought that was a good idea. Please please why didn't we learn after the absolute disaster that was thunderbirds? Frakes is a terrible director, shallow, trite and predictable. The characters are badly formed, unbelievable and irritating. Treating the time paradox like it's some kindergarten playtime is just wrong. Worst episode in the series. Even worse than the singing one. Don't let frakes near a camera ever again. Please. This is just rubbish. Wish I could unsee it.
R.I.P.D. 2: Rise of the Damned (2022)
Corny, derivative and predictable.
Don't bother. Plot is predicable, derivative and uninteresting. Nothing at all to recommend. CGI is dodgy at best. Not a patch on the fun thrill ride that was RIPD 1. Characters are weak, acting reasonable given the rubbish they were given to work with. No idea where they spent budget, wasn't in special effects or the writing. Sets were unbelievable and were clearly a backlot construction, not even remotely convincing as a western town. Do yourself a favour and avoid this like the plague. Badly written, directed and produced. Actor playing Roy actually didn't do too bad a job, but it lacked the fun of the first one.
Black Panther: Wakanda Forever (2022)
Ironman meets Avatar
Again, Hollywood and Marvel have forgotten that the most important part is the story. Spending so much on special effects and CGI and using writers they found at the local store. Please please spend more time and money getting the story and let that lead, not the CGI. So much is included "because we can" not because it adds to the story. Spend more time and effort developing characters you can care about. This was so predictable you saw the end after about ten minutes. The only reason I have this a five was the way they dealt with the loss of Chadwick. Worth a watch, but could have been so much better.
Long Way Down (2007)
Ewan's wife' ruins a brilliant show.
The inclusion of Ewan's wife really ruined this show. She had no interest in bikes, can't ride and just came out of jealousy. She ruined the dynamic between Ewan and Charlie, Ewan having to
Miss part to pamper to his incompetent wife. She is such an irritating person, very clingy to Ewan and had no place in this adventure. I imagine Charlie must have felt very much like a spare part. I guess the was included to make it more "reality" show, but that was the brilliance of the other two shows- didn't pamper to the masses. She fell
Off on the first corner-how useless is that! Not a biker, not her dream, no place.
Avatar: The Way of Water (2022)
Visually stunning, but missed opportunity
The visuals are nothing less than stunning. Had this been a BBC nature documentary with David Attenborough narrating, there would have been no doubt that the ecosystem of Pandora, and all its creatures were real. However, it is very much let down by a very weak story and poor writing, as so many effects led films these days. In many ways a repeat of the first story, A-hole colonel comes back to take on Sully and loses. That's it. Why we had to have Sigourney Weaver back as a Na'vi child seemed pointless and added nothing to the story. It's sets up Avatar three as Sully is now angry about the attack on his family and, no doubt, will beat the colonel, who survived, and kick the humans off world again. As I say, visually stunning, but I wish as much creativity was expended on the writing.
Good Omens (2019)
Reasonable but another PC adaptation
I really love the book and have read multiple times. Some of the characterisations are spot on, such as Shadwell, Adam and Newton Pulsiver. However why on earth did they change Pepper? She is a ginger haired girl with lots of freckles, hence her nickname. She is also feisty, not the coloured stereotype they decided to write. Also Where on earth did Anathemas back story come from and why was it needed? They got a lot right but some really grating changes that were not needed.
The Day After Tomorrow (2004)
More plot holes than a Swiss cheese.
Bad science and irrational behaviour. Random decisions. Everybody will die if they go outside unless you are the climatologist issuing the warning. Ok to kill your best friend to get to your son when there is absolutely nothing he can do when he gets there.
Ocean's Twelve (2004)
Messy & lazily Written
Clearly a "cash-in" film. Badly and incoherent in both its writing and direction. Purely written to cash in on oceans 11. I lost interest about halfway through. The story is improbable, disjointed and has no credibility. Most of the plot seems just bolted on for no apparent reason. Don't wast your time in this one.
Eternals (2021)
Forgot the story.
This is so terrible. Spent too much time on "woke" heroes that they forgot to include a story. What story there was could have been and hour long tv episode. Predicable and tedious in the extreme.
Wild Hogs (2007)
Hasn't aged well.
Too many gay gags. Juvenile, unfunny and a waste of time. Please don't bother as this is unfunny, badly written and predictable. Token gay. Token black. Just not funny.
The Watch (2012)
Unfunny drivel.
Everything I've come to expect from this cast. Badly written. Wooden acting. Crude. Couple of mildly humorous jokes but generally just unfunny in the extreme. Don't waste your time.
Blues Brothers 2000 (1998)
Why such a downer?
This is what it's supposed to be. Lighthearted and fun. It's got great music and fantastic girls and a lot of tongue in cheek acting. Love it. I know it hasn't got John Belushi, but he's dead. Deal with it.
Werewolves Within (2021)
Only got a one because I can't give it a zero.
Terrible acting, dialogue you can hardly understand and terrible writing. Don't waste your time on this made to waste money drivel. I can't believe anyone rated this higher.
The Suicide Squad (2021)
First one was better
I know this won't be popular, but I thought first one was way better. This was just a lots of killing with poor story. A directors cut of the first version would be perfect.
Black Widow (2021)
One long spring fight scene
Another case of special effects over story. Tedious fight after fight after fight. Unsurvivable event after unsurvivable event. Predictable. Uninspiring.
Jungle Cruise (2021)
I couldn't get past Benny Hill
The "German" baddie appears to be a reincarnation of benny hill and totally ruins the film. Otherwise good mindless hokum. Excellently special effects as usual.
Monster Hunter (2020)
Monster Mishmash
How many films was this made from? A true Frankenstein monster. Take a hacksaw to: stargate, lord of the rings, reign of fire, tremors, dune, pitch black and add multiple military clichés and you have this film. Hopelessly derivative.