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Pickle and Peanut (2015)
What the **** did I just watch?
Seriously, Disney? Why? You are capable of so much more than this. So this is a buddy comedy show, and a really ridiculous one at that. I wanna say I really like the buddy comedy genre. In fact a lot easier to list the good examples than the bad ones. Unfortunately, it's not always executed well. For every Toy Story and Abbott and Costello, there's at least one BioDome. But back on track. I imagine this tried to replicate Regular Show, but ended up with Breadwinners. It's about two sentient food items who like dubstep. That is about it. It's laden with inappropriate jokes, lackluster animation and stock images. Sounds familiar, doesn't it? This has a couple of extra problems, though. For some reason, this show attempts to force in serious or dramatic moments. It's not that comedies shouldn't have some dramatic parts, but there needs to have a point, which I feel is lacking in this. Also, what is with the live action bits? Again, is there any point in sacrificing substance for style? Aside from the Breadwinners elements, like dubstep and butt jokes, at least its relatively creative. I can't say I've seen a pilot episode where a sentient wart turns into a kaiju monster before. I guess it's worth watching just to see what kind of weirdness is in the show, but without its creative weirdness, it would probably be just dull and inappropriate; not much else to it.
Ed, Edd n Eddy's Big Picture Show (2009)
RIP Ed, Edd, n' Eddy
What makes this show so popular? Energetic animation, colourful characters, slapstick. Is all that in the finale movie? Well, yes, but there is more to it than that. Apparently, a disastrous scam has wrecked the neighborhood, and the kids are trying to kill them. And I swear, that's how it begins. They decide now is the time to go visit Eddy's brother, whom Eddy mentioned several times throughout the series, in hope for protection. The subplots revolve around each of the Cul-De-Sac kids hunting down Ed, Edd n Eddy with the Kanker sisters protecting the latter. Like I said, the slapstick comedy, great animation and diverse characters are all present. What makes this movie really stand out is that they do something different with the characters. I'm not going to go through all the subplots, because it would take too long. I will say they take it to the next level. Rolf, my second-favorite character (Ed being my favorite) is plotting to "spit the Eds on his pitchfork." Yikes! Humorously enough, Kevin's bike is getting in the way of his relationship with Nazz. What I really like about this is that we learn a lot more about Eddy, the show's anti-hero, when Edd confronts him on his failed schemes. After... a "quicksand" prank, Edd yells at Eddy for his schemes that get him into trouble, resulting in an argument between them where Edd actually kicks Eddy onto his back, even deciding that he'd rather face the consequences for his involvement in Eddy's schemes than travel with him. The best part is where Eddy takes the blame for the disasters, and deep down, he thought he was a loser this whole time. Edd forgives him and the trio decide to continue looking after one another. The Kankers eventually capture the rest of the kids and all characters get to Eddy's brother's place. He seems cool at first, but we ultimately see him for what he is, a monstrosity of sadism. He tortures Eddy and everyone else, even the Cul-De-Sac kids stand up for him. Ed saves Eddy by making a door hit him. We finally see that Eddy was influenced by his brother, but just wanted to be liked by the other kids. Touched by this confession, the kids cheer for Eddy except Johnny, who attacks them, still thinking they're causing trouble. He's attacked by the rest of the kids. Finally making friends, the titular trio are even invited by Kevin to enjoy some jawbreakers. If Ed, Edd n Eddy is the perfect nostalgic modern show, then this movie is the perfect way to end it. I don't think there could have been a better note to end on. Oh, and Johnny becomes evil. So there's that. Perfect 10
Eternal Darkness: Sanity's Requiem (2002)
The Silent Hill of Nintendo
Get this; this is a psychological horror game published by Nintendo. You heard right, PUBLISHED by Nintendo. If you're a fan of Silent Hill, then this game is a must-have, but may be hard to find in game stores. The game plays similar to Silent Hill, with some RPG elements and an... interesting new mechanic I'll save for later. Alexandra Roivas, your protagonist, must investigate her home for information concerning Pious Augustus, a Roman warrior and servant of the Ancients, to stop him from taking over the world. A world of visceral graphics, tormented characters, intimidating monsters, some puzzle solving, and amazing visuals. As you progress, you'll witness the history of torment committed by Pious. The mechanic that makes this game infamous is the effects the intimidating environments have on you. Indicated by the signature Sanity Meter, it determines how long you can survive without the game messing with you. And when I say you, I mean YOU! Not just the player character, no. You and your TV. These "Sanity Effects" go over the top trying to shock you. Creepy crawlies seemingly appear from out of nowhere, the ambiance gets worse, and the illusions become extreme, ranging from your character's head exploding to him walking through the floor. The most unusual illusions are the ones that screw with you personally, and essentially break the fourth wall. Its like Pious himself is possessing your console. The game's camera becomes unstable, says your controller is disconnected, turns its own volume down, and even crashes itself, only to flash back to the previous room or the entrance of the room you're in, as if nothing happened. This game is pure nightmare fuel, but art-like gaming at its finest. Play at your own risk. (Evil Laugh!) 9 out of 10
Chicken Little (2005)
Hit or miss?
Just one of those movies you love or hate. I suppose it's a good idea, but unfortunately, it's just half baked. I mean, it modernizes the story of Chicken Little, which you think would be cool. But the only reminder that you're watching Chicken Little is the main character. Instead of just adapting from the get-go, Chicken Little's plot, though original, feels rushed. They could have just kept it short and faithful to the source material. Sometimes the voice acting is decent, but the dialogue just comes off as boring. The music, though also decent, doesn't feel fitting in the some situations. And the pop culture references... why are they funny in Shrek but not really here. Maybe it's because it's set in the Renaissance, where a lot of this stuff wouldn't exist yet. I guess it makes it less predictable. At least, that's my theory. Here, it's just way too obvious. Then there's the characters. We have Foxy Loxy, Goosey Loosey, Henny Penny, Ducky Lucky... Morkubine... Porcupine... yeah, they were in the original fable (except the latter), but they show up too little to be essential to the plot, if at all. Hold on, why is the Ugly Duckling in this movie. Not that I have a problem with ugly, but it just seems out of context; she wasn't in the original story, she was in a different fable. Even including her just to make her Chicken Little's girlfriend doesn't make sense. And what fable is Runt of the Little and Fish out of Water come from? That makes less sense? The relationship between Chicken Little and his father, Buck, seems antagonistic for most of the movie. Again, the plot is hard to follow. It starts off with the clamor of Chicken Little warning that the sky is falling. The town thinks it was an acorn, they ridicule him for it, (for over a year) Buck advises him to lay low, the duckling advises him to discuss the problem with his dad, Chicken Little takes up baseball to get approval, he succeeds, what looks like a piece of the sky falls on him again, and it's revealed that it's part of an alien saucer, they investigate the aliens, think they're trying to destroy Earth, Little warns the town, they don't believe him, the invasion happens because the aliens think they kidnapped one of their young, Little lets his father know he hasn't been kind to him, Buck apologizes and helps his son return the young alien to his parents, and it's revealed that they didn't intend to destroy Earth, because they like its acorns, then Little is acknowledged as a hero. Confused? Well, so was I. For one thing, the town didn't know the aliens came in peace. The aliens speak their language, so why don't they say so? I think I'm done here for now. Basically, it wasn't too bad, but I didn't particularly care for it. 5 out of 10
Meet the Robinsons (2007)
These small hours still remain in my heart
This movie is no Frozen, but I can certainly say that I really liked it for its message. A couple of years after the disappointing "Chicken Little," Disney tried their hand again at a CGI motion picture. This time it's about science. Lewis (Jordan Fry), an brilliant yet insecure inventor, is on a quest to find his family. He was abandoned as an infant but he believes that was only because his mother wasn't ready, and she may be ready now. He strives to create something that will help search his deepest memories for her. Meanwhile, a mysterious yet immature villain (Steve Anderson) with a robotic bowler hat is trying to take credit for his invention in an act of revenge against him. A teenager from the future, known as Wilbur Robinson (Wesley Singerman), takes him to the future to help him keep moving forward, a philosophy founded by his father, Cornelius (Tom Selleck). The animation isn't very detailed, but I do like the wide variety of unique characters. And the future setting is really cool. The design is indeed futuristic. It's strange but interesting to see so much change in only a couple of decades. You'll know what I'm talking about by the time this movie ends. Each voice matches the characters quite well, and put really noticeable effort into their intriguing, clever and sometimes funny dialogue. I particularly like the Bowler Hat Guy's performance. It is interesting that Jim Carey was asked to perform as him, but I'm thankful for the performance Steve Anderson gave us. You can really feel the emotion in each scene. There are some aspects of the story I like and some aspects that threw me off a bit. The music and sound are great; they match the scene very well. I'm not a fan of the Jonas Brothers, but they're only heard in the credits, so I won't complain about them being involved in this. But the song at the ending scene is "Little Wonders/These Small Hours" and I love it. Finally, the message. Its rare nowadays that such a motivating message can be found in movies. That message is "Keep moving forward." No matter what you do, don't let circumstances bring you down. As long as you never give up, anything can be possible. I recommend that you watch it from start to finish. It provides you with some laughs, beautiful music, a riveting yet slightly flawed story and a fantastic motivating message. You don't need to be a scientist to get enjoyment out of this. 7 out of 10
Johnny Test (2005)
Please, get rid of this.
I swear, if this goes longer than Ed, Edd n Eddy, I will personally tear Cartoon Network apart! After I explain why this show is so bad, I'll compare it to another certain long-running cartoon. Back when this premiered on Kid's WB, it was actually pretty good. Then Cartoon Network took it and made it... ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... God, this show is redundant. Now, this show is made in Flash, and they could have utilized it a lot better. You can make flash cartoons and still make them energetic and complex. Here, it's just rehash after rehash of the same boring premise. Remember Dexter's Laboratory? Johnny is to Dee Dee as his sisters, Susan and Mary are to Dexter. If he's not harassing them and messing with their experiments, he's causing other forms of havoc. I hate Johnny; he's annoying, he's selfish, and he's just an irritating trouble-maker. Johnny butts into his sisters' business and get them involved in his own. Sometimes, Susan and Mary use him as a test subject, hence his last name. And their dog, Dukie is probably the coolest character, because he talks. THAT is cool. Then there's the occasional generic villain and that's about it. Dexter's Lab at least had variety, too. This is so repetitive, even the sound effects. How could you do that? It's just the same whip crack over and over again. It doesn't even make sense. Now for the comparison. Ed, Edd n Eddy uses a variety of sound effects that actually make sense in the situation. Crashing, smashing, exploding, not that redundant whip cracking. In Ed, Edd n Eddy, the characters are stereotypes, but still have originality and colour to them. With Johnny Test I can hardly tolerate all these bland characters. And the animation in the Ed show is reminiscent of classics, which grants it nostalgic value. It shows some energy and complexity, and it's predominantly hand drawn. There's so little action with JT, its pitiful, and its animated with a more sophisticated style. I hope they cancel it soon, I don't want it running longer than something of superior quality. If that happens, all hope is lost... all is lost... DOWN WITH JOHNNY TEST! 1 OUT OF 10!
Lupo the Butcher (1987)
Aww... that's it?
I love Ed, Edd n Eddy. As Cartoon Network shows, go it's my show of choice... well, it was, until it unfortunately reached the end of its production cycle. Why am I telling you this? Because I want to go back to some of Danny Antonucci's previous works. Lupo the Butcher was made prior to Ed, Edd n Eddy's rise to popularity. There's not much to say about this, because it's a really short cartoon. The titular character is a foul-mouthed Italian butcher, inspired by Danny's father and uncle... apparently. But if you ask me, he sounds like Achmed, the dead terrorist. he cuts up meat, but can't keep it from falling on the floor. He is extremely aggravated to the point of... accidentally cutting off his own thumb and... going all to pieces... literally. Everything about this cartoon is graphic. Basically, watch at your own risk. That said, I'd like this cartoon to be remade; longer, bloodier and more vulgar. The animation is great, the character is hilarious, and it's a pretty good prototype for Danny's career. Needless to say, Danny's come a long way since this, but it's still worth a watch. *Sigh*... and now I guess I have to review The Brothers Grunt. I'll get to it soon...
Rick and Morty (2013)
Surprisingly entertaining
What the... I just can't even comment on this... this was awesome! This is pretty much the bizarre, twisted, psychological equivalent of Back to the Future, pretty much involving science and alternate dimensions, as well as aliens. The one thing it doesn't have is a time machine on wheels. The cartoon came out recently, and all I can say is... s**k it, Family Guy! This is where it's at. Rick is a brilliant yet flawed scientist. Sleazy, ignorant and usually selfish, he tends to take advantage of his insecure and naive, yet mature grandson, Morty. The adventures they embark on are strange enough to provide the show's signature art style. And the animation is pretty great by Adult Swim standards, but reminiscent of The Simpsons and Futurama, only bloodier and often more disturbing. If you like bizarre imagery, you're going to love this. Most episodes are a parody or a pun, but the episodes are no less messed up and absurd. The voices are good, too. Each actor matches the character well. Justin Roiland is no Christopher Lloyd, but with the comedic character of Rick, it's probably better that way. Rick and Morty have a sort of speaking problem, which is either hereditary or just a side effect of Rick's alcoholism. The humor is often clever and original, but the show does have some dramatic and emotional moments. Which brings me to the character development. Rick may be a jerk, but he's not entirely evil. As the series goes on, you can see that deep down, Rick has a soft spot for his grandson, showing him compassion and concern, despite the chaos he puts him through. And the seemingly defenseless Morty can give it his all when it really matters. They could win an Emmy for the tear jerking moments the show has. The most disturbing episode is probably Rick Potion #9. It's the episode when Morty asks Rick to help him get laid with Jessica, but unfortunately, it's flu season, and the potion that Morty uses on her is able to be spread with the flu. Eventually, everyone is obsessed with Morty, except his own family. Worse, Rick, in his attempts to suppress the potion, ends up turning the humans into mutated freaks. Rick and Morty end up traveling to an alternate dimension where the mutants don't exist. And the Rick and Morty of that dimension are horrifically killed, much to the real Morty's shock. Oddly enough, Rick and Morty is one of those recent adult cartoons that manages to be more interesting and fun than others. This show evolved from the TV show "The Real Animated Adventures of Doc and Mharti," with the same premise; science-filled adventures featuring a mad scientist and a teenage kid. You know, like Back to the Future? But I totally recommend this, because not only is it one of the coolest adult shows in existence, it's probably the most awesome Adult Swim program you can find, and that's saying a lot. My final rating: a portal gun out of ten; providing one he...double-hockey-stick, of a trip.
The Secret of NIMH 2: Timmy to the Rescue (1998)
Simply put, an all time low.
Where do I start with such a shameful sequel? Wait... THAT'S IT! Why did The Secret of NIMH even need a sequel? The Secret of NIMH, directed by legend Don Bluth, was critically acclaimed for its stunning atmosphere, fantastic visuals, and gripping story. Oh, and the music was also fantastic. Mrs. Brisby is on a quest to save her family, and must get help from genetically enhanced rats. You can really admire her and see the true aspects of a hero through her. What did that amount to in the sequel? Well, guess what, Mrs. Brisby is forgotten in this movie; her son Timmy replaces her as protagonist. Are you kidding me? Well, I could never forget her! I could never forget her heroism! A lot of people love to forget this movie existed, and for good reason. Granted the original movie made alterations to the book, but the artistic liberties it took actually worked. But back to this movie. The animation is atrocious. Both kids and adults can appreciate the original movie's animation and atmosphere, but here, the visuals are simplified and they lose their charm. Oh, I could go on about that detail alone. Next up is the dialogue... First off, when the hell did Niccodemus say in the first movie that there was a prophecy that Timmy was going to change the world? That didn't happen. The dialogue just betrays the continuity of the first movie and the characters don't sound like themselves, and the voice acting is just hammy. It's really, really bland! Except Eric Idle, of course. Oh, and then there's the extremely clever plot twist of making Timmy's brother Martin the bad guy... WHAT?! Yes, Martin becomes Eric Idle, as well as a mad scientist villain... No, I will not comment on this any further! Speaking of the characters, Mrs. Brisby is only in two scenes, and all she does is cheer on Timmy. Timmy's character is terribly flawed. He starts off totally pessimistic, then becomes a total wannabe. The real hero in this movie is Jenny McBride. Without her, Timmy's quest to save Thorn Valley would have been even more of a disaster. He wouldn't last 10 seconds without her. And if you thought Eric was the only recognizable actor in this, boy, are you ignorant. Hynden Walch is Jenny McBride, who was Starfire in the Teen Titans cartoon. Ralph Macchio, the Karate Kid himself, is the grown up Timmy. Dom DeLuise respires his role as Jeremy the crow... and all these performances suck. But that's probably because the material they were given sucks. I honestly think the cast of FoodFight utilized their horrible material a lot better. And to top it off, it's a ****ing musical! Why? The original wasn't a musical. It just needed one touching song in it. Here, the songs are annoying and pointless. Plot holes? Yeah, we gotta have those in here too. Again, there's events that try to tie in with the previous movie, but those events didn't happen. The Rats of NIMH spoil Timmy just because he's the son of Johnathan Brisby. The plot twists, if you call them plot twists, try way too hard to be dramatic, but just come off as pointless. And you know what? All this had a good idea behind it. The idea of an unlikely hero, the idea of a cute romance, and the idea of... continuing the legacy of Secret of NIMH. But other than that, there's no thought process, there's no enjoyment, and there's no Don Bluth involved! That's right, Don Bluth didn't direct this... what a relief! I swear, this isn't only one of the worst animated movies of all time, this is the most infuriating movie I've had to witness. I didn't expect anything good out of this movie, but this is just painful. I can't believe this was someone's cash-in on such a fond memory. I've seen fan-fiction stories more enjoyable than this. Plus, those followed the classic movie a lot better. This is one of the hardest things you'll ever have to get through. If you have fond memories of The Secret of NIMH, one of the best movies out there, stay away from this horrid sequel. This gets one star for its good ideas, and another for making me appreciate the original movie even more. That's two stars out of 10; I am being generous with this movie!
Zeruda no densetsu: Mujura no kamen (2000)
Amazing!
Good god, is this one... I can't do it justice! A lot of people consider Ocarina of Time the best in the Zelda franchise. But those people have overlooked Majora's Mask. Yes, I really liked OoT, and I've played the awesome 3D remake, but the one thing more deserving of a remake is THIS one! There's just so much content; All the power masks, the eerie atmosphere, the dreary music, the story... I just... I am always impressed with compelling stories in video games. After being brought to a parallel universe, a different time... I'm not sure; there are plenty of speculations. Anyway, after being brought to a land similar to Hyrule, heroic Link finds that the dark spirit Majora, possessing the mind of a skull kid (who actually looks like a scarecrow) to destroy Termina with a malevolent moon. Where does that sound familiar? Well actually, that's a pretty unique story for its time. The fact that it has a face does remind me of Voyage to the Moon. He have only 3 days to save this new land, so you must frequently turn back time. To save Termina, he must defeat four masked demons to restore the four giants, as without them, the swamp, mountain, ocean and canyon will suffer. Suffering... in a Nintendo game... it will dwell on you. On top of heartfelt story missions, there are plenty... PLENTY of optional side- quests I totally recommended doing, because they add depth and emotion to the story, despite not being required to beat the game. I could go on about the story, but the gameplay has to be mentioned too. Like I said, there are dozens of magic masks; some serve only one use, but some are a lot more useful. There are three masks that transform you into familiar sentient creatures. One mask can only be obtained after obtaining all other masks. It makes the final boss easier to beat. You know, the transformation masks actually remind me of a certain Jim Carrey movie. Other than the masks, this plays pretty much like OoT, but more fluent. Then there's the atmosphere... really, Nintendo? There are kids playing this! It's unsettling, it's dreary, it's wispy at times... and I freakin' loved it. The music is some of the best I've heard in the franchise, adding to the doomsday feel to the atmosphere. The graphics build upon the already perfect graphics of OoT, and seeing the remake of the said game, I would love to see a remastered version of Majora's Mask. To come to think of it, everything about this game is a great improvement over Ocarina of Time, which was practically perfect for its time. The gameplay is great, the atmosphere is fantastic and the story is the best in the franchise, just barely surpassing Twilight Princess, which has my second favorite story. That's why the game receives my rare full ten star rating.
I Drink Your Blood (1971)
At least the trailer is intimidating.
I grew up with movies dating back to the 80s, but unfortunately, that's as far back as I got. The 80s may have been a great time for movies, but the 70s deserves a chance to be looked at. There are plenty of decent classics from the seventies. Is this movie one of them? Well, the movie is about a Satanic cult, led by Horace Bones (Bhaskar Roy Chowdhury) who terrorize a small town and a little kid tries to defeat them by making them rabid. This only ends up making the threat worse, turning them into zombie-like psychopaths... yeah, the plot is stupid, but the trailer makes it sound menacing. In fact, the trailer is probably the scariest thing about the movie. I love the music; it's freaking insane. The music's vibes will almost drive you a bit crazy. The movie is rated X for nudity, sex and excessive gore. The dialogue and acting are horrible. It makes little sense, it's hammy, it's ridicules and it's totally forgettable... but not bad enough to not be funny. It kind of reminds me of Night of the Living Dead. So when the cult sexually assault Sylvia, (Iris Brooks) the ******-off grandfather, Dr. Banner (Richard Bowler) confronts them, only to be dosed with LSD. The kid, Pete Banner, (Riley Mills) shoots a rabid dog and takes a sample of its blood, injecting meat pies with it, and selling it to the hippies. Speaking of which, there's a lot of instances of animal cruelty, such as slitting a chicken's throat in a ritual... wait, WHAT?! That part really freaked me out. And, of course, shooting a rabid dog. Well, after being infected with rabies, the cult members become cannibalistic murderers... well, most of them. Some commit suicide before they turn, and to make matters worse, one cultists have sexual intercourse with a construction crew, spreading the rabies to them. Well, that's as far as I'll go with that for now. Oh, one more thing, what's with the title? I Drink Your Blood? Ironically, there's not much blood drinking in this. Well, this movie is also known as Satan's Bande or Hydro-Phobia. Well, this movie may be bad, but it's interesting, to say the least. I consider this to be "The Room" of the 70s, because I enjoyed it despite it's notoriety. The dialogue is ridicules, the story is unique, and it certainly has shocking moments. I rate this a 7 out of 10; it's not perfect, but I liked it.
The Nostalgia Critic: Nicktoons (2009)
yousicklittlemonkey
As a fan of The Nostalgia Critic, and a former fan of Nicktoons, this was an interesting episode. My experiences with the shows reviewed here were kind of similar to his. He first reviews Ren and Stimpy. He already talked about this, but we can't have a Nicktoons episode without mentioning this. The animation was crazy, some situations were just off the wall, and it was all a great show. While I'm not a fan of crude humor, it can be good when done right. And by golly, it does! Plus, I've always been fascinated by surreal imagery and creativity. As for whether or not Ren and Stimpy are homosexual, I'd say they're at least bisexual. So next show is Rugrats. I watched that show all the time as a kid. Like I said, crude, controversial humor can be fine, but Rugrats kind of pushes it. But like before, the imagery is kinda creative at times, and that's what I enjoyed most about the show. Then, there's... *sigh* Doug. I only remember watching one episode, that's how stupid it was. Not only was it boring, I found it to be incredibly annoying. Forgettable characters, little strangeness, and insulting to anyone named Doug. This is where the Critic started making a few mistakes. For example, the character Doug was actually a middle school student, not in high school. The show was forgettable, so I can forgive that. Next up, Boo-Yah, Rocko's Modern Life (Officially known as Rocko's Modern Life.) It's another of Nicktoons's tamer shows, but it's no less cool and demented. Critic mistook Rocko for a kangaroo, but he's actually a wallaby. And I kind of liked the sitcom references, and Critic's "unintentional" Daffy Duck reference and fourth wall breaking was my favorite moment in the episode. I wasn't fortunate enough to catch a single episode of AAH! Real Monsters! back then, but it looks interesting. It's not as wild as Rocko, but it was still creative. While it was hardly crazy, it was pretty controversial, like Ren and Stimpy. Just watch the video, you'll know what I mean. Up until Hey Arnold! the review was pretty agreeable. But I felt he was pretty critical about the show. He does lose points for that. The animation is good, the characters are diverse, and that thing that Critic thought was a kilt... that's a sweater. I watched it all the time. Despite my disappointment of Critic's review of the show, the review was funny, like when he compared Helga to Gollum. It was priceless! One show I wish he'd review is Invader Zim. I grew up thinking it was just a typical alien show... I WAS FREAKING STUPID! Made by a dark cartoonist, Johnan Vasquez, the show was the ultimate controversy. I'll review that a bit later. I felt the review wasn't perfect, but still a very interesting and funny episode. The Nostalgia Critic; he remembers it so you don't have to. 8 out of 10.
Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing (2003)
18 Wheels of Blunder
Wh... I... Well... This... B... Okay, I've seen a lot of things that I have no idea where to start on, but I've somehow managed to pick a starting point. This, however... is totally different. I have nothing. I can't think of a proper introduction. Okay, this game was made by Stellar Stone, the company that made Taxi Racer. If you've played that game, you have an idea of what to expect in this. That's because Stellar Stone games are made in Russia on a budget of about a few thousand dollars. But this game will go beyond your expectations no matter what they are. It's also interesting to note that Sergey Titov was behind this, and he made The War Z, another infamous game. This game was intended to be a racing game, but I guess they abandoned that somewhere along the road. (No pun intended) They advertise a cross country run while being chased by the law. Sounds interesting right. Well, what do you know? It missed out on all the potential it could have had The first thing you'll notice when you start the game (unless it crashes) are the game's lack of good graphics or sound effects. The rival truck you're supposed to race doesn't move from the starting point. There's also no ambiance, with no music or sound effects. While there is some programming, it's completely bonkers. Your truck is unstoppable, and I mean unstoppable. The truck phases through everything like it's being driven by Shadowcat from X-Men. It goes through buildings, the rival truck, even bridges. I swear, the wheels must have suction cups on them, because it can even go up hills and even mountains without losing speed allowing you to see the game's ending point, which doesn't have an invisible wall, letting you drive beyond it. Speaking of speed, there's no limit to how fast you can accelerate in reverse. The only frustrating part about this game is that one of the stages crashes upon startup. This game is so broken, it's incredibly popular. Probably the most popular feature of the game is that when you win, it say's "You're Winner!" Honestly, I have no idea what to rate this game. I mean, it's like the video game equivalent of "The Room." You can have a lot of fun with how bad it is. Count how many objects you can go through, make fun of "You're Winner!" or even see how fast you can go in reverse. How this could have slipped by and made it into stores is beyond me, but it's probably the most incomplete game of all time. There was an update to this game, which programmed sound, a moving opponent, and replaced the stage that crashes with a reversed version of one of the other stages. My final rating for this is a ? out of 10
The Hunchback of Notre Dame (1996)
Pretty underrated classic
I wouldn't say the animation is the best, but it certainly has the... bells to have one of the most gripping and messed up story lines in a Disney movie. And that's saying a lot. The bitter Judge Claude Frollo, voiced by the legendary Tony Jay, controls Paris with extreme prejudice. Now, he does have his superiors, but he has little regard for them. And as the movie progresses, it becomes more evident. After murdering a gypsy mother and almost murdering her son, Frollo is persuaded to spare and raise him, naming him Quasimodo (Tom Hulce) meaning "half man" or whatever. The music is very good, and usually fits the situation well, ranging from dark and intense to optimistic and heroic. Did I say I wasn't too big on the animation? Well, what would this movie be without it? I admit it's pretty comical at times. Especially with the gargoyles, Victor, Hugo and Laverne (Charles Kimbrough, Jason Alexander, and Mary Wickes, respectively). Aside from them, my favorite supporting character is jester Gypsy Clopin. (Paul Kandel) He's really the life of a party; everything about him is entertaining. The gargoyles act as mentors for Quasimodo, a shy hunchback shunned by society. Quasimodo fears, yet admires the world outside the sanctuary of Nortre Dame. Gypsy Esmerelda (Demi Moore) and Captain Phobeus (Kevin Kline) take sympathy on the unique creature, and help Quasi stand up to Frollo and become a hero accepted by those outside Nortre Dame. Frollo is one of the most sinister villains in animation. He claims to be virtuous, but he is ignorant and blind to the madness within! He wants nothing more than to kill all gypsies and would burn everything to do so. He gives us all sorts of insane animated scenes, ranging from burning an innocent family in a windmill, to trying to "smite the wicked and plunge them into the fiery pit!" Most ironically of all, he's a pervert. He tries to seduce Esmerelda, the one thing he hates more than anything. You really come to despise Frollo for his manipulative nature, but admire Tony Jay for his fantastic portrayal of him. I can say without fear, this movie is the most underrated masterpieces that Disney has produced, and in my opinion, the best story-driven Disney cartoon. I rate this a full ten stars, something I'll rarely do.
Jack and Jill (2011)
Pardon the reference, but...
Jack and Jill fell so down the hill, Jack didn't break his crown, he split it in two. If you thought Battlefield Earth was legendary for its number of Raspberry Awards it won, you have no idea. Granted, it's not Adam Sandler's biggest stinker to date, (That's My Boy is) but it's the most notorious. First off, why is Al Pachino in this movie? Oh, God, why is he in this movie? Was Sandler just trying to ruin everyone's career at this point? I'm not even kidding when I say Johnny Depp only has a brief unrecognized role. I think he's relieved that not many people will notice he's in this movie. Apparently, $80 mil went into the production of this. Where did this budget go? I put my money on the celebrity cameos. Think about it; the movie "FoodFight" cost half as much to make, and it had CG animation and celebrity actors as well. Jack and Jill are the most horrendous twins to exist. I have no idea if they're identical or fraternal at this point. Is Jill just a really an ugly cross-dresser who thought we wouldn't notice. That's right, Jill is clearly Adam Sandler with a wig. I'm not trying to offend any twins at this point, but I have no doubt this movie is. Many of Sandler's movies are based around the importance of family, and they try to be a comedy at the same time. I can respect that, but not if there's no thought process behind it. This could have worked, but instead, they were just jacking off. And I promise, that's the only other Jack joke I'm making in this review Like I said, I found That's My Boy to be the worst movie in Sandler's career, but there seem to be a handful fans who support it. With this movie, that's not the case. I haven't seen a single positive review about this movie. It's a complete waste of time and money, with horrible acting, nonsensical plot, stupid dialogue, and an overabundance of celebrities. I refuse to give this movie a rating here because IMDb reviewers can't give out zero star ratings. Now, you'll excuse me, I'm off to review Zoolander, a better example of how celebrity appearances can work. Zip-Zilch-Zero; nada out of ten.
3 Dev Adam (1973)
Huh... did Turkish Jonah Jameson make this?
For a Turkish movie adaptation of a comic book, you wouldn't really know what to expect. The one thing I didn't expect this movie to do is make such a popular character... nothing like him. 3 Dev Adam, or Three Giant Men, or Turkish Spider-Man as fans refer to it as. I'm not gonna address much of the plot, because it's a foreign film. It's not that I don't like foreign films (In fact, I love Felidae), I just don't speak Turkey, so I can't get much out of it. So the 3 Dev Adam in this are Spider-Man, Captain America and Santo. But this time Spider-Man is a sinister assassin who... is trying to take over the world, I guess? Wow, Jonah Jameson was right about this one; he really is a menace. It's up to Santo and Cap to foil his evil plans. Now, I know it's the seventies, but even then, this movie was pretty strange. Though, I got to appreciate it because of how funny it is. In a sex scene, it cuts to some guy laughing and playing with... gnomes? Can someone please explain to me what the h*** is going on?? At least the music is good; pretty catchy for the 70s. The quality is okay for a 70s movie, but the SpiderMan costume is pretty silly; it looks far from what the cover of the movie shows it as. There's a bit of blood, not too much, but some of the killings are pretty shocking, including one where a white rat eats a man's face off (barely shown), or SpiderMan gets his head crushed, but I digress. I'd rate this PG-13 for blood and brief sexuality; not too inappropriate. I personally rate this 7 stars out of 10; it's not a masterpiece by any means, but it does provide some enjoyment, whether or not you can figure out what the actors are saying.
Ed, Edd n Eddy (1999)
Ah, pure nostalgia
It's ironic that one of Danny Antonucci's only kids cartoons is a bigger hit than The Brothers Grunt. Or at least, that's how I see it. People have usually compared the titular trio to the Three Stooges. Ed is Curley, Edd (Double D) is Larry, and Eddy is Moe. The rest of the characters are all victims of their obsession with jawbreakers. The adventures are wild, the dialogue is humorous and the characters are colourful and diverse. My favorite episode is the one where we see the characters become over 100 years old or whatnot, and Eddy struggles to accept that fact. This happens in the second half of the episode "Take this Ed and shove it." There's a deleted scene where Eddy breaks the fourth wall and asks Antonucci for him to wake him up. To come to think of it, there's plenty of fourth wall breaking, which is done quite well. They even remove Jimmy's outline at one point, followed by other surreal acid trips. Other than Ed, probably my favorite character is Rolf, an immigrant from Europe (Probably Germany). He adds a whole lot more colour and personality into the show. Least favorite... probably Kevin. He's your stereotypical jerk type of character. There's also a variety of sound effects. They don't resort to the same sound over and over. Johnny Test is guilty of that and it was irritating! Antonucci was actually dared to make a kids show, this being a result... I wonder if he was a Three Stooges fan. I could go on and on how crazy and fun this show was, but if I did, I'd be out of room. Bottom line, it's one of Cartoon Network's best works, and in my opinion, Antonucci's best by far, which is saying a lot. 9 stars out of 10.
Felidae (1994)
Kids and Cat Lovers, Beware
This may contain spoilers. This movie was absolutely brutal. It's hard for me to pick a starting point for this movie... It's an animated German film, and one of the most expensive ones at that. The protagonist is an intelligent cat called Francis, who's plagued by surreal and bloody visions of an evil scientist while local cats are slaughtered and sacrificed. He must get to the bottom of these murders and find out why they're happening. The movie is thus classified as a noir film. Aiding him on his investigation are Bluebeard and Pascal. Now, like certain other classic animated movies including Secret of NIMH, Heavy Metal, Watership Down, and the works of Ralph Bakshi, (Fritz the Cat, Heavy Traffic, etc.) the animation is really good, and it has an interesting story, but it also contains a dark atmosphere and shocking moments. Cats are zapped, have their throats slit, two are disemboweled, and some are experimented on. There's even swearing and sexual references. I would not recommend this movie to kids and cat people. Thus, I wouldn't even recommend it to myself. The cover looks relatively innocent, but don't be fooled. Even the MPAA, rated this movie R. But it is unique; an obscure masterpiece. If you can handle animated violence but want a classic and unique animation style, this is for you. 9 stars out of 10