Cruise2061 Reviews

Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire (2024)

Nonsensequel

[4/10 · 30 March 2024]

Expectations were relatively high after watching the trailers but came out unimpressed, despite all the ticks.

Sure, it is a requirement that you suspend reality when watching a movie, especially when it's a syfy-fantasy. You just enjoy the action, the CG and the mayhem and destruction. This has all that in buckets but....

... does it have to jump back and forth and plenty of feeding close-ups? Of course. Tick.

But wait, what about the plot, the storyline. Meh!

What sucks?

Well, there's the lack of continuity, the timing and duration of events, the inconsistent scales of the titans from scene to scene and the amazing tidiness of the mini-stories to name a few. Tick, tick, tick.

Then there's the neatness. Yep, it's all very neat. How? They need this, why here it is, and there's that and the other. Neatness tick.

Anything is posible, of course.

So, of course there are people living in the 'middle-earth' land of titans. Of course there are more apes. Of course you can trek back to your ship past man-eating plans, fly back to the surface, travel to where you just happen to have a giant prosthetic gauntlet for the injured Kong (and the correct hand), fly it back and fit it before Hutton finishes a sentence, and of course Kong will like and be able to use it in an instant. Why not? You suspended reality before taking your seat, remember? Big tick that.

Time flies.

Apart from the first few minutes, the storyline is set to 'ludicrous' speed and develops fast, really fast. Illogical, mind-boggling events and revelations cascade so quickly that the director knows the viewer will need help. Which is why half the dialog is about explaining WTF just happened. Tick and tick.

Destructions galore.

Where to titans like to fight? In populated cities of course, preferably where famous monuments can be flattened. Tick.

Overall 4 stars, for all the ticks.

Sisu (2022)

Sleeper

[7/10 · 5 August 2023]

A Finnish JohnWick-Rambo film told the Tarantino way.

This is short fable about a sisu (translation in the opening credits) and his encounter with a German patrol in the last days of WWII.

There have been many tales from this sad and barbaric period and while we tire of the many movies and countless re-tellings this little gem while familiar is different and fresh enough to bear watching.

It's cruel and not for the faint-hearted but for those who enjoy action flicks on the raw end of the violence scale. Unlike the films in the heading, the action here is served in small helpings, each equally well-crafted and different but for the outcomes.

Story : 6/10

Acting: 9/10

Dialog: 8/10

Action: 10/10

Recommended, if only the once.

Meg 2: The Trench (2023)

Megdiocre

[2/10 · 5 August 2023]

Franchise ender that's nothing like the first.

The science in the original was shaky but passable.

The sequel however presents a series of overcontrived and illogical set scenes complete with childish dialog dunked in melodrama.

As some reviewers have noted, this was either written by or for 5yr-olds. It's more likely both especially after the little we've learned following the Titan disaster.

Criticisms aside, one can always sit back, suspend reason and just enjoy a movie. Meg2 does require a dunce hat as well but it can be done, probably.

At least until the movie plumbs new depths and hits the 'unadulterated corny' switch.

Just ride along remembering to trust no one and it's all really happening in a suburban pool with inflatable fish.

That works until they then turn on the humor.

I thought at first Li BingBing was written out due to some disfavor. I was wrong. She'd read the script.

Extraction II (2023)

Chris 'Wick' Hemsworth

[6/10 · 17 July 2023]

Good action, more ways to kill and an endless supply of bad guys.

There are so many ways to portray violence and so many ways to weave a tale amidst carnage.

Hongkong chop-socky flicks with one hero killing and dismembering hundreds wore thin and it needed Bruce to freshen it up. A bit of finesse here, a story there and pauses where no one gets killed for a whole 10 minutes.

Recent flicks like Nobody and Bullet Train had violence so punctuated. Likewise the tongue-in-cheek Ghosted

The John Wick franchise delivers interminable violence with seemingly immortal protagonists still swinging and shooting despite being badly wounded or beaten to a pulp. Each volume outdid the previous until like the old HK flicks, it was all violence with different backdrops.

Extracted II was to me JW in tactical garb. It soon became monotonous and boring and I was eager for the relief of the closing credits.

Enjoy it if that's your thing. To me, less would've been more.

Knights of the Zodiac (2023)

A Whole New Level

[3/10 · 30 June 2023]

This movie has achieved the hitherto impossible, make Black Adam look good and lifted Shazam 2 from unwatchable to something you'd rather watch given the choice.

What really boggles is that the players would have known that the dialog they were spewing is not how anyone would talk, their reactions were unrealistic and the actions they were made to enact nonsensical.

They, the director included should have read the script and demanded rewrites before filming, but no, they made it anyway, commissioned the special effects and produced the lot to what must have stunned audiences everywhere, for all the wrong reasons.

This is an amateurish 'Gods of Egypt' style jumble no one would want in their portfolio.

Title: 10/10 Accurate, Script: 0/10 Appalling, Acting: 2/10 For effort, Choreography: 2/10 Clowning level, Directing: -1/10 For going through with this.

Black Adam (2022)

Wasted Effort

[3/10 · 23 October 2022]

Powerful godlike warrior is revived some 5000 years later by a woman to save a city ruled by mercenaries.

Equally powerful heroes arrive to stop him demanding his surrender even though they could but were never bothered to save the city themselves in the first place.

These heroes, chosen by Waller (Suicide Squad), are made up of 4 individuals who are not very good at it.

I've named them Old Fart, Tactless, Hair and Fool.

You'll have to guess which is which.

Sitting through this proved quite an ordeal. Words and phrases like "why?", "that's ridiculous" and "when will the soundtrack take a break" keep coming to mind.

So why indeed.

Corny B grade flicks have several common features. Things that make you wonder what the director was thinking.

• incessant background music
• characters without personality
• heroes who are tactless or stupid
• incredible dialogue
• screenplays without highs or lows
• pointless sacrifices
• gratuitous destruction
• corny plots
• lowQ CG

Black Adam has these and more.

The Justice Society is a yawn.

With so many super do-gooders, the Intergang shouldn't even exist. Then there is that over-used magic word, Shazam. Oh dear.

As for saving a city, well, after the heroes are done there is little else to save so it's a wonder anyone bothered.

As with Man of Steel, DC shows it still has not understood film making or audience sentiments.

Will this franchise survive?

Let's just say Black Adam is as useful as Henry Cavell's Superman and the Justice Society has as much chance as the Eternals.

Pity.

In conclusion, if it was a choice between Black Adam and Gods of Egypt, watch the latter. Terrible as that was, it had better CG, storyline, acting and some semblance of a plot.

Nope (2022)

DON'T

[1/10 · 3 September 2022]

When a movie with mostly low ratings also get a lot of 10s, something smells.

Warning signs.

You know you're going to be disappointed when a 130 minute flick takes 75 minutes to get going, well sort of going but to nowhere in particular.

The plot was reminiscent of a bollywood movie where the cameras started rolling before a storyline was conceived. This mash didn't have one at all.

The acting was reasonable given the material the players must have had to work with. It takes talent to play characters whose behaviours challenge both logic and reason. The question "Why the hell would he/she do that?" comes to mind frequently and not just from the viewer.

The same unfortunately also applied to the alien or aliens or tailors co-op, whatever.

Nothing the supposedly high-tech species, one that is able to disquise itself as a cloud and uses some sort of electromagnetic jamming when feeding with their flying hoover-tamales (made of the finest fabric) made much sense either.

Come to think, the above paragraph while accurate makes little more sense. I had to write it to get over the required word count. My apologies.

While I appreciate the effort behind it, frankly this movie would come last in a high school filmmaking contest even if it was the only entry.

The solitary star is for the soundtrack. It deserved a better vehicle.

Dark City (1998)

For Every SciFi Collection

[8/10 · 20 July 2022]

It's not often in a genre overfull or borrowed or rehashed themes, expansions, sequels and prequels that you find something unique and original.

The ones that are usually disappoint. Their storylines ridiculous (stupid), mediocre or so over-complicated, disjointed or comical that few can sit through the opening few minutes, let alone watch halfway, irrespective of the studio or budget.

They offend rather than entertain.

Dark City is none of these. While far from being perfect or anyone's top shelf, it is simply refreshingly simple science fiction.

Watch it.

Thor: Love and Thunder (2022)

Corn and Chunder

[2/10 · 8 July 2022]

This much anticipated sequel turned out to be a morass of Avenger vs Playschool that fails to be either.

Not that the action or FX was poorly done. What was totally off was the storyline.

Whatever plot existed was white-anted by alternating weak comedy and melodrama. Swinging repeatedly from serious worlds-at-stake tension to SNL sketches just didn't work and playful, lighthearted cameos by Damon and a rotund Crowe contrasting starkly and awkwardly against dramatic monologues from Bale just added to the WTF factor.

Add the innumerable plot holes and the cast must've been as bemused as the audience. Descriptions like drama, action thriller, RomCom and parody can not apply to this plot salad.

Morbid curiosity or blind loyalty would be the only things keeping more from walking out on this trainwreck. For me it was mostly the former but I'd tuned out after 15 minutes.

In summary, early reviews are correct.

Whether it was a whim or a romp for self-amusement, MCU have created a flick to out-Razz DC's WW '84.

This is one sequel better not made.

The Batman (2022)

Bat-tered and Bruised

[2/10 · 20 April 2022]

Pattinson following saved this movie for DC. It didn't matter that he is one-dimensional as no acting was required for this role.

A creditable way to re-tell the saga of a comic hero with a regret-filled past in his dark, morose and often disturbing world remains elusive. With each revision, the battles of the caped crusader in good vs bad and law vs outlaw are inevitably twisted to past vs present and haunted vs insane. It's all dark and gloomy.

Why not try being a bit closer the comic?

It worked for Aquaman and without 3 depressing hours or a Snyder cut.

In another giant leap backwards, this latest and greatest offering is filled with mediocre action, Riddlers who shoot like Stormtroopers, Fast9 car chases in caricatures of the iconic Batmobile and Batcave. The only thing 'epic' was that somehow more money and effort was expended to deliver less!

As for the man himself, the box office shows that Pattinson's following probably did put this flick in the black. Undiscerning Twilight fans will gladly pay for this poseur and that it delivers. The strong supporting cast was superfluous and the poor screenplay, weak dialogue and Pattinson's 'acting' easily forgiven.

As are the 'what the bat?' ending sequences where partygoers clinging onto scaffolding in just waist-high water needed a helping hand from the bat to climb some easy steps as he is somehow the only one amongst all the police, firefighters and emergency crew who has a flare, just the one.

After all, devotees came not for crime-fighting but for Pattinson and they were duly rewarded with a Twilight lovers ending when he finally kisses Selina (swoon).

For non-devotees, it will be 3 hours forever lost.

PS. The stars are for the supporting cast.

Eternals (2021)

Wasted

[4/10 · 15 January 2022]

Pomp, costumes, effects and big names are not enough.

What the heck happened? Did everyone forget how to make a movie?

Whatever the reason for the lapse, fix it or the MCU will not see another phase.

Watching multiple Eternals fail to put down a single Deviant, one is sorely tempted to dial an Avenger to get the freaking job done.

The screenplay is bland, the characters non-engaging and the scenes tiresome.

I doubt even a JLeague-style re-edit would help this one.

PS A note to screenwriters.

I know it's all fantasy but no human body will survive being snatched out of harms way at blinding speed. Okay?

The Matrix Resurrections (I) (2021)

The Search for Trinity

[1/10 · 29 December 2021]

Jam-packed with Hongkong fight sequences, this is more of a 'based on' than a sequel. If anything, it answers questions with more questions.

The Matrix franchise stood out not just for the ideas and twists but for its raw grittiness. This instalment feels sanitised to a Freeguy level. Smith and the Analyst look equally at home on the set of Frazier.

When all is 'revealed', the aims of the Analyst in keeping our lovers apart defies logic even in fiction. Besides, if the Matrix recreated them, why not just create more?

Worthy mention.

Henwick.

Weirdness.

Zombie-horde-like scenes.

Smith more powerful than Neo but prefers him alive and well.

Cops and SWAT from the same marksman school as Storm Troopers.

Trinity can fly but not Neo.

It'll probably all be explained in the next instalment.

WHOA!

Foundation (2021– )

Better than expected

[8/10 · 9 November 2021]

Asimov's tale was always more mental than visual and it was always going to challenge any screenwriter and director to put it on any screen.

Having read the trilogy some 4 decades ago I did look forward to this telling with more than the usual adaptation trepidation.

The creators have delved more into the characters and motivations than the books and in the process brought 2 dimensional characters to life.

This was always going to be unpalatable to some. That's understandable.

I encourage viewers to reserve judgement. Follow the series and enjoy each episode before deciding if the end is justified by the means.

Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings (2021)

Unmarvelling

[6/10 · 9 September 2021]

I'll be brief.

Clearly much effort, thought and funding has gone into this flick but it only goes to show that one can assemble all the right ingredients in a recipe and still make a meal of it.

It has good action, but the live action CG is stale and the transitions always evident.

It has a solid storyline, but the padding is average.

It has good actors, but in support roles only.

In a movie where you know the hero will ultimately triumph, it's all about how you get there.

This journey was underwhelming.

Hitman's Wife's Bodyguard (2021)

Entertaining Romp that's Funnier than the original.

[7/10 · 13 June 2021]

Wasn't expecting much after seeing several bad reviews but I was pleasantly surprised and strongly disagree.

Packed with action, twists and expletives, the dialogue was sharp, the humour raw and unsanitized and the cast was well, well-cast.

This turned out to be a thoroughly entertaining romp and I wasn't alone. The theatre roared with laughter from start to finish.

Go see it.

Outside the Wire (2021)

This is not about Falcon

[6/10 · 23 January 2021]

... and anyone going in expecting Avengers wit and banter will be disappointed.

Action. Plenty and it's slick and well captured.

Plot. In an action movie? Well, any is a bonus and while rudimentary in this good v bad, soldier saves the world from terrorist tale, it's there.

Screenplay. Continuity and flow could be better. It is a series of set pieces as one would expect but the dialogue is a overdone and more melodrama than one would expect.

Fx. The concept and integration of robotics in dangerous situations is one of the best thus far. Being assumed and not further explained is probably glossing over what could have been a feature of this film as they are used a lot.

After Avengers Endgame, fans of the genre are more familiar with antiheros but I doubt they'd like it any better. Worth a second look.

Wonder Woman 1984 (2020)

WoeWoe84 - Too much of Too little

[5/10 · 5 January 2021]

The trailers were good but this is a half-page screenplay padded and stretched to a phonebook.

Gadot is the perfect choice for Diana Prince and bringing back Chris Pine was a great idea. Unfortunately it will take more than their charisma and chemistry to save the rambling mush that this screenplay is. Formulaic plots where audiences are subjected to protracted slow trainwrecks till the end when the hero makes the game-changing and waaaaay overdue save or payback simply does not entertain. By then the viewer is past caring and no amount of fancy stunts, fx and plot twists will dampen the inclination to start rooting for the villain or for that matter, anyone kind enough to euthanase this flat, witless and underwhelming flick. Sad really cos I so wanted to like it.

Studios need to stop looking at the ledger instead of learning from the paying public and seeing what others are doing right. Justice League was killed in the board room and despite the success of the first instalment they've managed to ensure that this follow-up was stillborn.

Frankly, I'd sooner read a phonebook.

The Midnight Sky (2020)

Prophetic

[3/10 · 13 December 2020]

Like the movie itself, the title of this review is not what you might expect. I refer not to the supposed apocalypse that makes earth uninhabitable but how life may imitate art. If this film is indicative of what is on offer, then like the astronauts depicted, some theatre-goers will prefer to swing by and give the industry a miss altogether.

This is Clooney's Greenland.

The Warrior's Way (2010)

Stylish and Arty but Elegant.

[7/10 · 17 October 2020]

Imagine a Sergio Leone western with swords. The setting is as sparse as the dialogue but you don't sit through one of his works for the acting or the plot. Warrior's Way is like that. What it lacks is made up in other ways. The choreography is above average, the CGI seamless and the set pieces pure art. And it's all cleverly portrayed, captured and presented. An enjoyable little gem from the genre.

The Secret: Dare to Dream (2020)

Pastiche Perfect

[7/10 · 4 October 2020]

It's been a while but I already feel like a second helping.

Light without being airy, this adaptation of a novel about people, family and personal struggle is well done in a genre that of late is usually either under or overdone.

What makes 'The Secret' stand out is the evocative rawness, the non-verbal glimpses and the overall ability of the cast to tell a tale without ever looking like they're trying. It just flows and carries you along with it.

The result is a movie so charming and inspiring that it begs to reverse the usual trend of Hollywood remaking cinema europa gems. 'The Secret' will hold its own in any setting and language.

See it.

Greenland (2020)

A Movie Disaster

[1/10 · 11 September 2020]

A man is warned to seek shelter as a comet and it's smaller gravity-locked companions decide that planet earth would be a good way to break its fall. Gerard Butler is that man.

Thus begin the trials of Gerard and his wife and son. Not in attempting to stop the comet or to survive the impact or it's aftermath. Come on, that's been done. No, you are instead a witness to their attempts to find shelter, for 2 hours!

Why Greenland? Could it be because the largest impact crater was recently discovered there, under an icesheet. The biggie that is now believed to have triggered the last ice age? Nope. Something to do with the previous location of the magnetic North pole perhaps? Not even close although both would have been worthwhile.

Greenland is the man's destination for safety when an extinction level event occurs. That's it. If the safe haven was in Wisconsin or Jumanji, that's what the movie would have been titled.

So what goes on for 2 hours? World leaders uniting to save the species perhaps? Nyet! Missiles? Railguns? Armageddon-style suicide missions and secret projects for evacuation to Mars? NOPE! How about the impact itself, do we get to see that? Sorry. Well, everything except all the above.

You get drama, with dad getting off the evacuation flight for his son's insulin that was left in the car. Who knew? There's action, like rioting and looting. It has traffic snarls as people try to drive somewhere, anywhere to presumably get off the film.

And it has clichés, notably, one at the start that is destined to be the new must-have disaster movie clichè. Being informed that you must evacuate immediately and to only bring your wife and diabetic son, while your phone is set on speaker at a neighbourhood get-together. Talk about a new record for losing friends. Anyhow, new clichè and you saw it first in Greenland!

It goes downhill from there. This disaster movie sets the bar so low that Deep Impact would be Oscar-winning material. To be fair, Gerard is an actor in demand and he is prolific, so one can forgive him for this stinker. He was due and I vote comet.

Is it too early for Razzie nominations? Skip that. Let's announce 2020's winner now, please?

Mulan (2020)

Mulan - Should be rated PG: Not suitable for political gain

[7/10 · 9 September 2020]

A remake of a tale about an inspirational hero who exemplifies values and virtues and who overcomes not just evil villains but also both class and stereotypical obstacles should do well.

Add to that a cast that reads like a who's who of accomplished Chinese actors, breathtaking scenery and the magic arts of hollywood spread evenly on a screenplay that provides a good balance of drama, humour and action and it starts to shout "Slam Dunk".

As a movie, Mulan is far from perfect. The acting is middling, the dialog cliched and syrupy and the CG passable, a decade ago. But the themes are strong, the storyline while predictable is coherent and overall it does what cinema and Disney do best, it entertains.

Yes, it is based in a country that's currently on the nose, the values contradict reality and some cast members have personal views that grate but as a movie Mulan in no way deserves 1 and 2 stars.

The same storyline set in any other culture would easily garner more favour. At a time when a few minutes of detachment and escapism is sorely needed, Mulan delivers, but only to those able to suspend the white noise for the 2 hours.

Go see for yourself, if not for you then for the children.

Midway (2019)

WWII Recreation

[6/10 · 7 December 2019]

Famous historical battle recreation. Americans won.

Knives Out (2019)

Cast-astrophic

[3/10 · 4 December 2019]

Murder mysteries are formulaic. You set the scene, fill it with the requisite sub-plots and characters to sustain curiosity, confuse and generally lead the audience up multiple and erroneous paths. Punctuate the storyline with revelations, flashbacks, re-enactments and twists and conclude with a satisfying reveal all. All that is left is the dramatisation and the delivery. Sounds simple enough. Where this latest contribution struggles, stumbles and falls in a heap is the the casting. It needed actors. Ironically, there is no shortage here but the ones who can act be they stars or has-beens are all in minor roles while the main players are wannabes or never-wases who are unproven or in some instances disproven in dramatic roles. What were they thinking?

Charlie's Angels (2019)

Cringeworthy

[1/10 · 4 December 2019]

Lovely actors, flashy stunts, cute punchlines and even seamless FX can not sustain a storyline that serves as a vehicle for linking them exclusively.

The plot is not credible, the dialog illogical and the character interactions unnatural. The acting can only be commented upon when it exists.

I hope this package recoups the cost of marketing.