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El guardián invisible (2017)
Detective or psychic? Hard to tell....
This is infuriating garbage.
The first 2 mins of the film the detective shows up at a crime scene. The coroner is already there. No one has touched the corpse but the coroner immediately goes, "Yup, cause of death suffocation. The pubic hair has been shaved. Oh and there are TWO types of hairs here." No autopsy, no microscopic examination. How does he know? Well he just does, ok? Shut up!
Then she gets up and asks about a purse. How does she know there IS one? She just does, ok? Shut up! (Later on she'll also know there are shoes on the side of the road.)
Then BOOM she knows how this is connected to a previous case because ROPE! Do we know anything about the previous case? NO! They threw someone in jail for it. The scene switches and we are suddenly interviewing him. Do we get to find out anything more about them? No! It's just important stuff and doesn't matter to you. Your role is to put your head down and watch, okay? Shut up!
Then next dead body, she looks at her and goes "I KNOW HIS PSYCHE! Here's his entire personality. And i found this one photo so HE MUST BE RELIGIOUS! And he thinks they are losing their innocence which is why he's killing them! How do i know? I just do! Shut UP!"
No understanding of crime scenes, no understanding of body examination, no understanding of detective work, investigations, or even movie making. Just a bunch of notes written down on a piece of paper glued together loosely with a "script".
Oh and the constant "You're such a great detective! Trust your gut! Trust your instinct!" Even though there isn't a sliver of proof that the main character deserves all that praise. (Jeeeeesus. So much for show dont tell.) But she IS the main character and your job as a viewer is to love her, ok? So, SHUT UP!
....
Here's my question to the writers: If you didn't want to spend time developing characters and telling a story, why did you write a movie? You could have (should have) just written a copy pasta and posted it on Reddit and saved us all the time and effort.
This one is just another of 100 movies or shows Netflix will post this month, and it'll be just as poorly developed and written as the rest. Netflix is destroying movie making and story telling one garbage show/movie at a time and it's heart breaking.
Noise (2023)
SPOILERS: "Crazy" person dangerous! WTF?
It's 2023 ffs, and movies like this are still being made?
Leaving aside the fact that this movie does a HORRENDOUS job at depicting mental health properly (crazy man dangerous but ooh look, a bedside table full of meds. That's an ending, right? All's well now!), it's just absolute garbage!
At some point i had to check the movie to see how many minutes i had watched because it felt like i was watching forever and NOTHING was happening. Turns out i was an hour into the movie. At this point, i switched to 1.5x (it's honestly a stupid mistake i didn't do so earlier because MY GOD it was a tedious journey) and it still felt like a drag.
I still stuck with it because i thought maybe the whole factory storyline would have an interesting twist. Nope. Absolute waste of my time!
None of the story makes sense, they have quasi "artistic" shots scattered every 10 mins of the movie to that are just LAUGHABLE, no character backstory, no character development, no CHARACTER period, people in town are "mysterious" and rude for no discernible reason, the man "loses it" for absolutely no discernible reason (other than "genetics"), the dialogue is subpar, the the scares are "non existent" and the timing is crap.
It's like they went through all the lukewarm movie-making, camera, sound, character tropes of all horror movies and picked the worst ones. Then, just like those cheap, useless bead necklaces you used to make as a child, they strung it all side by side on a piece of garbage string and went, "Look how awesome and artsy".
This movie was so bad it actually severely annoyed me, and i honestly don't get annoyed easily at movies. I think at 15 mins i hated both the characters and wanted this to be a horrible ghost movie where they all died.
The baby was the only good thing about this movie.
Wednesday (2022)
Utter garbage
Why? Why would you do this? Why would you take one of the most incredible cast of characters, one of the most thought-provoking set of relationships, and one of the most inspiring families in literature and film and turn it into a joke. Wednesday hating Pugsley? The Addams parents ignoring their kids? Morticia threatening her kid?
Do Netflix writers read a Wikipedia synopsis of these shows and think, "Oh, yea! I've got all the info i need to go ahead and slaughter this beloved gem now" before they sit down at their desks? It's either that or they are incapable of understanding story telling, character building, and subtlety and just trudge through shelves of beloved stories and movies just assassinating every character they come across. It's infuriating to think that they do this for the sake of money. There's no WAY in hell that this show has an 8 from the general public. It just smells FISHY! And to think that one of my all time favourite directors was an accomplice to this debauchery is even a bigger insult, a nastier spit in the face.
I could hardly get through one episode. Anyone who worked on this should be ashamed of themselves.
Next time, write your own story before destroying beloved characters that have existed for years that you do not understand.
The only reason i gave it 2 stars is because we still need space below the bar for true garbage like 365 days and the like.
Devil in Ohio (2022)
So bad it's actually irritating
None of the adult characters behave like adults, or even like logical human beings. And the characters (and the acting) is so wooden you forget to feel anything for any of them. And they bash you over the head to hate the character Mae, but why? Who the heck knows. Cuz the main characters said so. *shrug*
The acting is terrible, the music is terrible (except for the Broadway stuff), the plot is terrible, the forced dilemmas and conflicts are utterly garbage, and the plot twist at the end is a joke. Just skip the whole thing. Honestly not worth the time you put in. After a while i started watching at 1.5 speed just to get it over with and see what they do with the ending. It's like the writers for this show were found in a high school writing class and were given a summer project, but they waited until the last week so this is what they came up with.
Sea Wall (2012)
Simply lovely!
Brilliant actor, beautifully written script. I have been a big fan of Andrew Scott since seeing him in an episode of Garrow's Law. You know the actor is wonderful when just his stares and facial expressions, not his lines, can bring you to tears. But this, this was just something else. It is written beautifully. It moves slow, but the way Andrew delivers this, you hang on his every single word waiting for what is to come next. Definitely worth it!