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A Murder at the End of the World: Chapter 7: Retreat (2023)
Wow
What a colossally bad finale!
Whenever a solid show ends on a garbage last episode, it feels like you've been on the phone with a scammer for six hours and you should have known better.
It's so unfortunate the writing ultimately sunk the series, cuz the acting was exemplary throughout.
"The father, son, and holy ghost" and "This is what it really is" are two lines that are laughingly beneath all the writing before this episode, as is the resolution.
It's SO disappointing!
Although, maybe I should just be glad that it didn't end with some meta-physical Mummenschanz dance moves to explain the story.
City on Fire (2023)
Not sticking around for another episode
The only good thing about watching a show with ZERO likable characters is you don't worry about anything bad happening to them.
In fact, if any of these people were to die, it wouldn't be fair cuz they'd avoid watching the rest of this awful series.
This is the kind of show that's so self-amused with its indie-rock references and tired clichés you start to wonder, "Is Apple saying no to anything? Or are they just green-lighting anything that comes marching in from NYU daycare with a Tisch degree?"
It's based on a book that takes place in the 70s, updated to NYC in the early 2000's, and done by the guy who did The O. C.
If any of that sounds good to you, you can have my seat.
The Watcher (2022)
Based on a colossal waste of time
Great cast, curious idea, but this is another example of throwing money at the wall just to see if it sticks. This seven episode show has all the depth of a tik-tok video, minus the spying software. ;)
Good for Murphy and the cast for getting money up front, but the narrative pay-off is vastly inferior to their checks. It strings the viewer along in the hopes of a solid reveal, only to disappoint in the most mediocre way.
It's always hilarious when a bad show has a cliff-hanger ending:
"-Oh, I bet you can't wait to see what happens in the next season (which will never happen when the actors have better offers)!"
-"Nah, I'm good."
If this show was actually hanging from a cliff, any reasonable viewer would step on its fingers and help it along.
This is precisely the type of show that begs IMDb to have a category called "Content". -It's not really Drama, Comedy, Action, Horror, Suspense, etc, it's just something to fill the board/bored so they don't lose subscribers.
Murder Among the Mormons (2021)
Profoundly impressive
Every documentary film starts with an interesting true story. -What happens after that is up to the filmmaker, and this story was in great hands.
The interviews, the recreations, the news footage, the editing, are all flawlessly woven together into a virtuoso doc.
The cast of characters are riveting, as they slowly reveal their true selves over the course of the interviews. The narrative is obviously compelling, but it's improved by the way it's allowed to naturally reveal itself to the viewer.
Like most great documentaries, it wasn't something I was initially interested in, but had me hooked the entire time.
The Trial of the Chicago 7 (2020)
Story-telling in all caps!
The fact that this movie is getting award shine is proof that voters don't watch the movies.
Let me preface this by saying my politics COMPLETELY align with this film (I have "Steal This Book" on my bookshelf and, yeah, didn't pay for it), but this movie is basically someone shouting at you for 2 hours and expecting you to applaud.
Just the opening sequence lets you know there's nothing to figure out, nothing to learn, you're just gonna be spoon fed the entire film, which is a huge disservice to the actual story.
I know Sorkin is a celebrated writer, but narrative development through quip-y dialogue is obnoxious and self-centered. Lecturing is NOT story-telling. If it was, you might as well have the characters just look at the camera and read their lines, which is how this film feels.
The only way this movie could be any more heavy-handed is if the Earth's mass increased. Which is good, cuz it respects the viewer as much as a brick to the head.
For All Mankind (2019)
Hee Haw in space!
If you watched The Right Stuff and thought, "What this needs is more scenes where you tell the story over loud, clichéd rock music, like Footloose did!", then this is the series for you!
Seriously, Apple, was someone chasing you when you wrote the dialogue? -Cuz it feels rushed.
Not a single character will surprise you or step out of their designated personality types. Don't worry, though, I've got a sneaking suspicion that these characters will put their differences aside to work together in the end. If that little M. Night Shyamalan twist works on you, welcome to your first television show!
Despite all that, the acting is actually quite good.
It just feels like someone said, "What if the Soviets got to the moon first?" and Apple said, "That's great! What happens next?"
-"We'll figure something out later."
The Sinner (2017)
The thrill is gone
Unfortunately, after two solid seasons, this show hits the Press Your Luck Whammy in season three.
Although, it does achieve a perfect characterization of why everyone hates undergrad philosophy students, that's ultimately not enough. However, it does feel irresponsible to equate mental illness for being a run-of-the-mill a-hole.
The suspect in most crime shows fills the viewer with an element of fear. In this show, you spend eight episodes wanting to punch this blow-hard in his privileged face.
Finally, why do I feel like the writer of this has spent years telling people "The Serpent and the Rainbow" is a great film?
Murder on Middle Beach (2020)
Spinal Tap for rich idiots
This is like watching a fraternity bro trying to solve a murder by inhaling nitrous oxide.
If you didn't hate rich, entitled people before this movie, you will after.
I know we're supposed to be shocked to our core over the murder in this case, but it's more jaw-dropping that even that horrible crime, and all their money, can't make these people remotely interesting. The shock of a violent crime becomes muted when you realize you can't stand these people.
I initially thought, if this was a book, I'd skip to the end to see who did it, but then realized I'd just stop reading.
I wish I could say I hope they get to the bottom of this, but I can't. I'm pretty sure this kid will get a passing grade on his project, tho.
Your Honor (2020)
Morality play with no point
Every character in this show is either an idiot or full-blown annoying. As a viewer, it's hard to engage in a morality play if you don't have any sympathetic characters to invest in.
For a split-second you think "What's gonna happen to these characters?" and then remember, "Oh, right. I don't care."
And the way the story leans on the whole "Well, that's just New Orleans..." is lazy screen-writing and makes that entire city seem moronic.
It's actually painful to watch such good actors force themselves through the bad dialogue, but I guess that's just part of being a professional.
True story: I tried to binge-watch this in one night and after a few episodes Showtime Anytime gave me that prompt asking "Are you still watching 'Your Honor'?" and when I hit "Yes", another prompt came up that said "Why?"
I'm almost finished, but if the butch daughter of the crime boss hooks up with the mouth-breathing emo kid, I'm gonna tear my eyes out cuz I obviously suck at watching things.
Also, this show commits the cardinal sin of binge watching: its last two episodes are the worst episodes! The only thing worse than when a production throws up its hands in defeat is realizing you were duped into watching the whole thing.
Penny Dreadful: City of Angels (2020)
Weaponized garbage.
This show is loaded with potential, and is just not put together well.
Great idea, good setting, fantastic cast, and great production and it all adds up to a huge failure. I don't know what happened, cuz it's the same writer as the original Penny Dreadful, which was great, but the story, dialogue, and execution is cringe (and not in the scary way).
I'm positive this amazing cast basically signed on simply on the strength of the original, cuz the result is a hot mess. Lucky for those of us who got through it, Dormer, Garza, Bishé, Kinnear, and Lane truly did their best with what they were given.
Too bad, because the history of Latinos in Los Angeles is a great story that deserves much better than this. Here, though, it feels like the characters are reading off of a Wikipedia page.
I know a lot of production stopped in 2020, but this show premiered in April and was cancelled in August, and it's not surprising.
Hustlers (2019)
The Great Recession has never been so Great!
This movie is fantastic. It's like if you made Boogie Nights wear a g-string and then stole his credit card.
(from what I'm told) This is be best recreation of the New York strip club scene before and after the recession. We've been long overdue for a movie that pays tribute to the real victims of 2008, Wall Street stockbrokers.
The cast is amazing, as is the acting. -Particularly Big Jay Oakerson, who plays a scumbag strip-club DJ (I didn't know he could act).
I first saw this film in a very dark theater when it came out and have since bought it on BlueRay. Strangely enough, my wife and kids don't seem to enjoy it as much as I do (fine, more for me). In fact, since everyone's been home for the pandemic, I haven't been able to watch it as much as I would like.
The story is great, and I bet the ending is fantastic, but I've never actually made it all the way to the end.
Wonder Woman 1984 (2020)
Definitely not up to MY standards!
Wait, I forgot, I have NO standards.
It's absolutely hilarious reading people complain about this movie when it's exactly as mediocre as all the other comic book movies, which makes it a success.
If all you've ever watched is comic book movies, I hate to break it to you, but you've seen exactly one good movie (and Heath Ledger ain't doing a sequel).
"Oh, but the story didn't make sense!" -Sure, but everything else in a super hero movie is completely logical.
Basically, you watch this movie to see great action, great production, and attractive actors. Check, check, check!
This type of movie is not supposed to stretch the boundaries of what you thought was possible. -It's not like the sweatpants you're wearing.
The Midnight Sky (2020)
10 Stars!
-out of 22!
Here's the thing: this is good but, yeah, not great.
However! It IS an "End of the World" movie with GEORGE CLOONEY and FELICITY JONES! -Sure, the same thing is going on right outside your window, but at least these people are attractive, right?!
All I'm saying is: there are worse ways to ride out how little time we all have left.
Merry Christmas
The Mandalorian (2019)
What's great about this show is...
You don't have to pay attention to get its full effect.
Seriously, put it on in the background and go get something done. When you're back, you can easily figure out what happened (and you honestly didn't miss anything).
OLD GUY WARNING: Back in my day, when Star Wars had bad acting and poor narratives, we could blame George Lucas. With this, it's hard to blame anyone. Disney is just doing what they should and that guy from Swingers isn't exactly an artist.
Not surprising, this show has great production quality, which it leans on to compensate for everything else.
The Wilds (2020)
Pandemic special!!!
This show owes so much to the pandemic. First, it feels like something Amazon had no intention of promoting until the brakes got put on all their other productions. Secondly, I never would have stuck through this if I wasn't under pandemic house arrest.
This is one of those infuriating shows that treads water just enough to not sink below mediocrity, so you stick with it in the hopes that there will be a surprising reveal (there isn't).
So, you get to the 3rd to last ep and you say, "Wait, this isn't good, but I've only got 2 more eps to go."
The 2nd to last ep, you're like, "This is garbage."
During the final ep, you just keep saying, "This is all my fault for watching. I'll admit it, you got me. What's that? -A cliff-hanger? Sorry, Amazon, by the time season 2 comes out, I'll be vaccinated and going to movies again. There's not gonna be any time for teenage Lost part 2."
Away (2020)
In space, everyone can hear your clichés.
Great cast, good concept, tired characters, melodramatic execution. If this was a movie, it would be an acceptable failure. -But because its a show, it's like asking you to watch a bad ten hour movie. It's disappointing cuz I'm a big science movie guy, but this is more heavy-handed than a Ron Howard Hallmark card.
The Witcher (2019)
I'm not saying this show is bad...
But it's about as enjoyable as an on-call abortion doctor on Christmas eve.
Although, if you've been waiting for a show that will finally have the conviction to show teenage hunchback sex, then wait no longer!
This show is right up there with The Room, Showgirls, and Trapped in the Closet. -You need to witness it to truly understand how gloriously bad it is.
I'm sure, at some point in the future, Cavill and everyone involved will claim they were going for laughs, but we all know the truth. -You made a show that's like if regular garbage got accidentally exposed to gamma rays and became super garbage. -Right down to the lead character's Thundercats necklace.
My favorite scenes include:
-an insignificant character smacks around a dwarf (which is awesome) and the dwarf stabs her to death (which is even more awesome)
-an insignificant character asks a sorceress to cast a Viagra spell so he might pleasure his wife
-a character casts a medieval orgy spell that would make 1978 blush
Lost in Space (2018)
True to the source material...
Meaning: it sucks.
Well... maybe not that bad, but it is exactly as mediocre at the original TV show.
This is one of those moments where I ask myself, "Does Netflix just green-light everything that wanders into their field of vision? If something like this garbage is getting made, what did they turn down?"
As far as I can tell, Netflix says yes to more bad ideas than an Arizona State sorority girl.
On the plus side, the robot in this show is a better actor, and more life-like than the rest of the cast.
This show's only other revelation is that Parker Posey is such an easy villain to hate. -Proving that we were all fooling ourselves when we loudly exclaimed how much we liked her while standing in line at the art house movie theater years ago.
The Aeronauts (2019)
Hold on to your top hat and monocle...
Because there's finally a movie about hot air balloon weather research!
This is actually well made, with good actors, but there's a reason "talking about the weather" is synonymous with "boring". Sure, it's one of the top ten best balloon action movies, but that's like bragging you're the tallest worker at the chocolate factory.
The moral of this movie is: good effects, quality actors, good film making, a hot air balloon of money, and "based on true event" can still put you to sleep like main-lining turkey directly into your veins.
The First (2018)
Not a drama, but a romance.
This show is an open love letter from Sean Penn, to Sean Penn.
I honestly can't remember the last time I saw something so self-indulgent. It might seem like it's about space exploration, but the only world it presents is the fictitious one where Penn's character is the only reasonable person in a sea of failure.
No one else understands compassion, no one else communicates properly, no one else exhibits healthy humor, no one else exercises with his dog while properly hydrating, (hell!) he even lives in New Orleans, cuz not even a 13 year old storm can dampen his pure nature!
Seriously, this character is not an anti-hero, and not even a hero. He's a straw-man hero, where they've constructed an entire world of flawed characters only to make him look shiny by comparison. What kind of actor, artist, or even person would agree to such self-aggrandizement?
And guess what? When the narrative hits a snag, I bet you know who they turn to to make it better! Ghad, at least give him a single human flaw so we can pretend we're not watching self-propaganda.
I love sci-fi, so I lasted 2 episodes. Maybe I'll watch a third, but it's just so difficult when the lead character is such an ego-stroke.
400 Days (2015)
Two words
Dane Cook.
This movie sucks.
Also, Dane Cook is in it. Why would you waste your time?
Helix (2014)
This is a TV show
The only thing dumber than this show is that I watched the whole thing. If you're like me and hopelessly like sci-fi, this is yet another one of the many casualties you'll bang out along the way. I'm giving it 10 stars just to see if anyone actually reads these reviews. Five lines of text! #gotobed