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Columbo: A Bird in the Hand (1992)
It's 3 Bodies not 2
Many reviews are saying it's unique to have 2 dead bodies, 2 murders -- but what about that poor gardener?! He was murdered by Harold!!!! And for the few minutes he was on screen he was a nice character acted out well. Sheesh. Just because he was a lowly gardener no one remembered him. Dang. That's cold. Anyway, Tyne Daly is a great actress but it was painful to watch Harold melt all over her in her face that was just too much and repeatedly done. Those tacky 80s hairstyles and big earrings and shoulder pads .... Just not fun to watch haha. Why do I need to have a minimum of 300 plus characters in this review is it some kind of punishment for my bad reviews or what?! Haha.
Columbo: Sex and the Married Detective (1989)
Sex Sex Sex Blah Blah Blah FUN
So far the return of Colombo in season 8 has been great! That is, until you start this episode with its cheap talk of sex and fantasy and prostitutes coupled with the tacky 80s saxophone tune throughout. Part of the charm of these classic shows is how they were entertaining and clever without resorting to the aforementioned sex scenes and references to the "fun of sex" as if none of us are aware that sex is FUN. Now, if you can get past this introductory garbage, the rest of the episode is FUN to watch -- just like all the other episodes. Several funny bits and an interesting ad for wearing wigs and another reminder to never cheat on a woman while making FUN of her!
Quantum Leap (1989)
Ugh! Did not AGE well!
Watching this in 2023-- it is painful to watch! All the objectification of female bodies by drooling men is sickening! Then the pregnant woman constantly acting like she's unattractive and asking her friends which one of her thighs has more stretch marks, ugh! Then there's the pilots yelling as their jets zoom around -- ouch! The Quantum Leap version of 2022 is much better!!! Better characters--smart and diverse. Anyway this review needs 600 characters for some reason. As of I can't explain how annoying this episode in less than 10 words. They did not wear seatbelts and Tom was acting insane and his wife should have left ok there's your 600 letters.
Sex/Life: This Must Be the Place (2021)
What a Man!
Her dress with the poofy sleeves is horrible. Her voice sounds like a man dying of emphysema. The song playing is so annoying. Brad's face is a goofy goof gob and his penthouse could not be anymore ridiculously cringe. Also Cooper is stupid AF for staying with this sxxx wife and should just let her be with her sxxx ex. These people are going to raise children?! She should be tired of the dirty public pool sex everywhere lifestyle. Do actual adults actually act like this? I have only read the detailed descriptions of each episode thinking it would end with actual reality about the disgusting choices these folks are making. But no. She smiles with her 40 year old soccer mom cigarette smile and sxxts it up again! Oh yeah they have deep emotions for each other so it's all okay. Have some shame, people. And stop wearing poofy sleeves after age 10... like WTH.
Accused: Ava's Story (2023)
Come by and visit the baby you tried to steal from us!
I wish I could give this negative 5 stars based on the ending scene alone. It just surprises me that there is an audience for this nonsense -- unless it is meant to show that most people act like idiots by creating their own problems --- wait this is actually how 30 year olds act today. America is getting so dumb. The new Law and Order confirms just that. Maybe these young writers need more time but I doubt it. Oh more words are required? Ok fine. This show sucks. Terrible. The kind of show Harry and Meghan probably find monumental and riveting and gut wrenching. Just fails. Writers need to watch the first 6 seasons of Law and Order or even Colombo ffs to learn how to make TV. If after watching the first 2 episodes you don't know what I mean then you're the exact audience for this ridiculous crap. Moral dilemmas brought on by dumb, emotionally unbelievable choices to kill your son instead of call the cops or kidnap a baby instead of mind your own damn business. This is not how real people should act -- wait is this a comedy? It is hilarious.
Columbo: Étude in Black (1972)
Post 2020 -- this line does not pass:
Why hasn't anyone commented on the creepy lines Columbo delivers here... At first he says it's sad that a lovely woman with a "good body" would kill herself... Ok fine... That's passable... But then the most cringe of all:
"Lieutenant Columbo: I'm very impressed with you.
Audrey: Oh, really? Is it my body or my mind?
Lieutenant Columbo: Well, it's both really. No, seriously, Audrey, give me a break. What I'm trying to say is, that for a young girl, you're a very independent-minded person.
Audrey: Don't bother with any male chauvinistic compliments."
I mean.. isn't she a kid? Why is she talking like that and why is he joking like that?
Wouldn't pass today's vibe check. Somebody has to say it cause the rest of you didn't even notice. Gross!
Hopefully that was the first and last of bad dialogue in this otherwise excellent series.
Life Overtakes Me (2019)
Slow
Fascinating subject, but very slow pacing even for 40 minutes. Obviously, the Swedish asylum process is traumatic and laced with bigotry and hate against these refugee families. Then these parents convey their own victim-hood and helplessness to their children. These people had decent homes and their health--yet sat in this "fear lives in our body," and our kids have "only suffered in life" attitude. These topics should have ave been explored instead of just hinted upon.
Bully (2011)
Homeschool
If your child is being viciously bullied, take him or her out of school and homeschool. Yes-- it can be done. There are free programs that will give them education, even free YouTube videos. No societal norm is worth this mental abuse. Nothing. They will be safer at home alone than with these bullies at school, especially if the school administration is as dumb as rocks like the Assistant Principal in this film. In college these victims will do much better as bullies often don't get away with these threats at college level. And forget college even -- just keep your child alive ! Protect your child at all costs. No one else will --so don't expect it. Be mad at the school, at the bullies, fine. But they are not going to protect your precious child. The parents of these bullies are 100% responsible for raising these cruel kids, and they don't give a damn about your kid.
Carmel: ¿Quién mató a María Marta? (2020)
What about the Taylor woman?
The Taylor woman was accused by Maria's friend in court implicating the husband in a cover up yet acted like a drama queen at the trial denying it and criticizing the old friend as fame hungry --a totally ridiculous performance. The Taylor woman drove miles on the night of the murder to get the fake death certificate. The Taylor woman was accused of having ties to Mexican drug cartels. Why was none of this investigated?
There is no evidence for motive by Maria's husband.
What about the missing money from the charity? Interrupted burglary is the most obvious motive.
Other than that, the documentary director should have kept the interviews close up-- the full shots of those big men "man-spreading" their legs was distracting as hell.
Chicago Fire: Short and Fat (2015)
Bully
That firefighter was rude as hell to that kid who was trying to help. He should have apologized for calling the kid short and fat. That is straight up bullying. Too bad the kid had a knife, but the bully deserved to be punched in the face for sure. If course 51 won't care what caused the boy's anger but that's how this show goes.
Diagnosis: A Question of Trust (2019)
Let's Eat While You Vomit at the Table!
Who would want to sit and eat while someone keeps puking at the table and say it's too keep things "normal." How weird! That was the first minute--it is not normal to want to keep eating if it makes you puke. Head check first.
Cake (2014)
Watch this if you want to feel bad.
The subject seemed unique and it was, but the script left me feeling bad and vaguely confused. No one in their right mind would have been patient enough with Mrs. Bennett, yet every supporting character from her housekeeper/driver and every man give her endless kindness. Yes- she's suffering and it's obvious. But why do we care about this lady? We don't. Do wealthy white ladies really say FU@# in every other sentence? Maybe. It's annoying. And so is that random run away girl thief character who is surprisingly well kept for a gal thief running all the way from Boise to Riverside. I hate movies like this, a waste of time, and a hammer to the heart for not much reward.
Law & Order: Teenage Wasteland (2001)
Guilty as Charged
Let me get this straight--DA Nora is so outraged at the idea of killing a white 18 year old male who purposely and brutally beat an innocent family man to death for no reason other than to get a free Chinese take out meal--that she even takes it to the end scene when we're supposed to beg God for forgiveness cause this evil murderer just might be 21 when he gets the rightly deserved death penalty? Oh, I knew there was something I did not like about this lady---and this episode's weak argument against punishment for the worst of crimes--complete with the killer's Mom screaming like a banshee when her kid has to pay the price for his actions. If it was meant to make the audience feel sorry for her or her kid--it did not work. Sheesh.
House Hunters International: Game on in Pyeongtaek (2021)
Scary Wife
I had to let it be known that the wife in this episode was one of the worst on this show. Stuck up to the max and probably would kill her husband if he did not do every single thing she said to do. That look she gave him at the end as she kept saying No. No. No. And then me me me my my my office equipment big big big...poor guy. Lol.
Cold Case: The Runner (2003)
Not Cool
The first scene of the first episode of Cold Case shows a black family murdered to death. Now on the 5th episode, the main black character is a former drug dealing, currently cheating, "bad" guy from a crap childhood with victimized and violent Black characters throughout. Better have some more positive images of Black people (besides the one detective) on this show soon or it can't stay cool in TV history, man, not cool.
Law & Order: Sanctuary (1994)
Gaslight City
How can anyone not see how awful this episode is? It portrays Black people as ONLY scary, vengeful, irrational, angry, victims, and the cause of racism itself! Pure reverse psychology crap. We get Stone actually lecturing the Black attorney and leaving her at a loss for words. Not even one reasonable Black character other than the usual Van Buren who barely chimes in. The episode leaves nothing thoughtful about the true injustice that Black people have experienced at the hands of White people. Oh, poor White folks who just want fairness and truth! Thank you savior Ben! Eyeroll to the max.
Law & Order: Refuge: Part 2 (1999)
Trauma and Drama
The (attempted) murders of that poor Mom and son was so sad and gruesome, but the episode only focused on the adult Ricci. It was way over the top to have cold as ice Carmichael crying like a baby over her, a lady she hardly knew--how bout cry over all the innocent victims who didn't choose to get involved in crime fighting??? But good bye Rey Curtis!!! You were a good detective!
Midsomer Murders: A Sacred Trust (2011)
Get Me to a Nunnery!
Vulgar opening scene as we see 2 teens having sex in the dirt (they will no doubt regret their poor choices as much as we regret having to witness them). A few more idiots take to doing idiot things, and there's our unfortunate set-up. But moving on to the Nunnery adds some charm to the atmosphere, thankfully. A beautiful, peaceful sanctuary with dignified characters-- more of this, please. Sister Catherine is a lovely character as are the other nuns, portrayed with a genuine respect. Here we learn that Kate, just like John, is a proud Atheist. It seems weird to have 2 main characters be openly anti-God. I mean, we know from the past that Tom and Ben don't fancy church on Sundays, but they at least left it ambiguous and weren't too openly smug about it. An Atheist can be just as self-righteous as any religious person, and here's a fine example. Anyhow, we see Mrs. Barnaby in her element, putting a bunch of school bullies in their place. There's still no believable suspect half way in, which I actually enjoy, since it adds to the mystery of it all. And oh what a tangled web we weave! Except for the first crass minute of the episode, I love it all! Almost perfect.
Midsomer Murders: The Night of the Stag (2011)
What's the Buzz About
The opening scene of the (now infamous) episode is intriguing, a man being chased in the darkness of the night. We've got a cider festival and cragilly drunken characters, balloons, flower crowns, and local honey. But wait--it's not just any old festival, it's a literal puke fest. Guest actors are convincing, except maybe Greg Hicks as Rev. Norman Grigor--he is a tad too melodramatic in portraying his zealous character. On the other hand, Bernard Lloyd was a delight to watch as Byron Street. I personally did not appreciate the Barnaby's smug attitude about "working in the orchard" as being a waste of life and brain, but that's the sort of cultural superiority our "educated" society accepts without question.
Anyway, the first half is interesting enough, and things start getting sinister around the 40 minute mark--a "creepy old man" vibe sets itself up. DCI Barnaby is still seeming capable, after all, he understands "lateral thinking," as our Tom used to say. The character of Rev. Conrad Walker is a good representative of what a man of God should be: devout and reasonable.
What once was a fertility refresher/ritual (hey, the bees do it too) has become corrupted by the evils of alcohol and an abusive father AKA the psychotic Queen Bee rapist of Midsomer Abbas (played too convincingly by Warren Clarke) and his fellow drunken snakes. And people wonder why I don't drink. Very dark indeed as it's not just one evildoer, but the violent mob mentality that justice is up against. But there have been much darker episodes such as the recent "Echoes of the Dead." And for the viewers saying the rape aspect was ignored: Why did Rev. Walker get killed? He tried to stop it happening. Why did Jones and Barnaby rush to the village: They tried to stop it happening. Who stopped it happening? Barnaby and Jones. The point is that justice is served, the bad guys don't get their way, but put away to rot.
Midsomer Murders: The Sleeper Under the Hill (2011)
A Snooze on the Couch
There's an intriguing opening scene with an ancient history vibe (including a gruesome murder scene, so turn away). Here we meet Dr. Kate Wilding, the new resident pathologist--seems straightforward and cold, which we should expect from a coroner. Funny bits throughout (Jones kicking in a door that is already open, poor lad, haha). Lovely crisp atmosphere and the classic English scenery here. Squabbling over land, pub conversations, and county maps included. A late night chase among historic ruins--yes, please! Guest acting is very convincing, though most characters were extremely unpleasant. DCI John is confident and curious. Our modern career woman Sarah rarely has time to cook a full meal, in stark contrast to Joyce (and as we know, that's probably a good thing, haha!) and her husband is completely daft in the kitchen. The plot got quite slow, I felt sleepy, and I must have missed a few irrelevant details. Disgusting portrayal of the murders, not viewable in the slightest bit. This is just my peasant opinion and reflects nothing on the proper work put into creating this episode.
Midsomer Murders: The Oblong Murders (2011)
Promising
A memorable opening scene, an immediate murder under the cover of night and an opera song. Then we switch to the congenial Sykes the dog taking a scenic walk in the scenic village. This is Dr. Bullard's swan song and as such, he plays out his most prominent Midsomer role yet: brother to the town's dog whisperer. Actually he's on a mission to find a missing girl. I wish he could've played more prominenty in every episode. This one includes a cast of ecentric characters, all a bit wacky amid a setting of a self-improvement foundation, AKA a silly cult. DCI Barnaby has taken command and he is settling into the role. The new age clap trap is reminiscent of an early episode in the early seasons, except this time, Jones participating undercover makes it easier to sit through. Lovely Autumn atmosphere and manicured gardens move the viewing experience along nicely. Some subtle comic relief (poor Jones caught up in cringe-flirty "Free Love') helps as well. And actually it was actually more like poor Jones, being sexually harassed, "I won't take no for an answer tonight." And yes, Jason Hughes uncovers his rear end. That display and the plot was not very interesting to me, but still, the mystery was solved, and justice dished out. Farewell to our beloved Dr. George Bullard, taking a page from Tom's book, and retiring peacefully to fish his days away on holiday in Ireland. Loved his last words to John: "Tom was a tough act to follow. You're getting there." And rest in peace Barry Jackson, who died only two years later.
Midsomer Murders: Echoes of the Dead (2011)
Echoes of the Dead
The opening scene is both quaint countryside and village murder. Intriguing (and the reason many of us watch the show). Wonderfully acted and directed. And of course the killer is demented and his motive insane, but the atmosphere is just like the original few episodes of Season 1, echoes of the past, indeed. The murders are definitely gruesome, and that I can't justify as entertainment, but, nevertheless, I watch to see the bad guy get caught and the victims get some earthly justice. And that's what our detectives do--solve the mystery and capture the evil one! Hell was created for demons like him. WARNING: Do not look directly at any dead bodies ever on this show, especially the 2nd one here (it was the absolute WORST of the series)! And references to deviant sexual toys will slap the innocence out of anyone, (why did Jones have to say it, though? Well, better than Barnaby saying it). Poor George, these terrible murders are getting to him. He may want to retire soon. Some brief nudity in this one. The ending had my full attention, very gripping, and nice gesture at the end with an obviously upset Barnaby taking some time to wipe away a bit of the horror. ANYWAY, the exterior of the Barnaby's home is so lovely, just like all of the Barnaby homes have been, and watching the couple discuss historical killings over dinner remind me of Tom and Joyce.
Midsomer Murders: Dark Secrets (2011)
TMI
With a compelling opening scene, the mystery starts strong. Sarah arrives and well, here she is, inviting everyone over for a visit. Several unlikable characters are immediately introduced, though Jeff Rawle does an entertaining job as the harmless and unfairly bullied Dawkins. And clearly Mr. Bingham is in old man make up and using a fake old man voice--Oh, wait, he wasn't? Fooled me! Anyway, Jones is so awfully irritable these days, no wonder he hasn't found the "right one." Anyhow, the topic of (SPOILER) incest harkens back to the very first creepy use of the topic in S1E1, which is just...creepy.
Midsomer Murders: Death in the Slow Lane (2011)
New Chapter
We all know Jones should be in charge now, but since it'd be virtually impossible to change his name to "Barnaby," we're stuck with the OG's cousin, John. And our Gail has gone AWOL. John seems a tad aloof and worn thin already. But still, he's very sharp with the details, perhaps due to his fancy Psychology degree. He has a teacher wife and a dog, and is not naturally neighborly, except for the quick wit that got him accepted with the locals at the pub. Now then, if the guest actors were meant to come across as shallow, dull, and utterly unlikable, well, they succeeded. Boring. I was hoping they'd all be killed immediately. DCI John, being knocked out and strung up in a barn, and an admitted Atheist (of all things!), not a good first impression. Well, we still have Jones, Bullard, and the lovely scenery, so let's keep on keeping on...
Midsomer Murders: The Curse of the Ninth (2017)
String Me Up
There was once another piano/music competition themed Midsomer episode which was very boring to me, and this one is no different. It's just not my cup of tea. The guest actors here are a bit cartoonish so it all felt as such. Younger characters rarely hit the mark in creating that cozy Midsomer atmosphere that I love. There's the lovely church, and nighttime graveyard murder, but that's it for atmosphere. Sarah's still working on her writing, but I just don't see her as a novelist. Dr. Kam is back--for now. The 2nd method of murder is unique, so there's that. Jamie shows some sadness, quite convincingly. Oh, I just did not care for the main plot. In my opinion, music should be heard, but not seen.