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Reviews
28 Weeks Later (2007)
Failed where it's Original Succeeded. Suceeded where the Original Failed.
The first 28 movie was a masterpiece of macabre. It had much of what is needed to have a successful horror movie: It's scary, nothing is scarier than walking alone in a dead city. No one to help you, no one to save you, all alone. Now add violent psychotic people who want simply to eat you alive. They are faster than the average zombie and they are really, really not happy to see you. Then we move away from the city and then 28 days later falters. It loses any "scare" factor and simply dumbs itself down. And this is the problem with 28 weeks: 28 weeks later sucks all the scary out of the film and goes with cheap scares and jump out at you horror. It's scary the first time, but after a zombie jumps out yelling "BOO!" for the eleventh time, it start to lose it's effect. So 28 weeks later simply loads the movie with as much cheap action as it can, so you don't feel completely ripped off. The plot is nice enough but it just lacks the SCARY! It's got atmosphere but that quickly makes room for corny dialog as they introduces 3 characters, who all last about 2 minutes into the movie. You don't CARE about any of the people in the film! They just run around screaming "OH NO! WHY ME?!?!" Like chickens with their heads removed! The film has zombies, it has gore, death, blood. But it lacks the totally freaky atmosphere of the first and simply covers the basics, nothing less, nothing more. And I for one am disappointed.
History Bites (1998)
This show "Bites."
I'm all for preserving our proud history but this show just flops horribly. Teeming with references to television shows that are pretty lame all on their own, then adding an extra E to the end to make it fit the desired era. The entire crew is spoon fed their roles and the scenes in general are pretty poorly done with jokes you can see a mile away.
Sufficient to say it's a great show if you are a historian who finds the "Passage of the Gamoriates across the passage of Lucian Versais." hilarious. For those of us lacking in the knowledge of twelfth century German history, it's not that much fun to watch. And I swear to god if I have to stand for another Teressa Pavilik lip biting character, I'm going to boycott the damn show.
Falls in a hiatus, just above Royal Canadian Air Farce, but way below The Red Green Show.
Le Cinquième Élément (1997)
One of my Favorite Movies
The Fifth Element is an amazing movie. Not because of it's plot, which is reminiscent of basically every science fiction movie. However it's cast is so amazing and the acting is so wonderful. That you will love never even remember the word "plot." Bruce Willis plays hotshot TaxiCab driver Dallas, A soldier in the army he is down on his luck. Plagued by his mother and stuck in a job he hates he is basically stuck in an awful rut. When one day his entire way of life is changed by the mysterious being known simply as "Leeloo." Thus they go on a journey accompanied by Priest Cornelious and local superstar Ruby Rhod. Their mission: To save the world.
OK, that is where the basic plot ends. Milla Jovovich pulls off an amazing performance as Leeloo. managing to be so innocent yet so sexy, and powerful. This fuels the movie basically. The various comedic scenes are wonderfully done. (Especially the autowash scene.) The movie as well has Gary Oldman playing the weapons dealer Zorg. (Which is pulled off amazingly.) The cartoony action and blatant disregard for reality fuel this movie to be one of the greatest films ever made. (I believe.) So please, if you see this on DVD. Buy it, rent it, just make sure you watch it. Because it is awesome, and a Must see for any sci-fi nerd.
A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)
A Man Who Takes Pride in His Work.
Nightmare on Elm St is many things: first off it's a brilliant film that probably built the basis to which all slashers are built (besides the standards set by TTCM and Halloween.) The idea itself is such a brilliant and chilling notion that left me with many a sleepless night the first time I saw it.
The prospect of someone killing you in your dreams is terrifying. After all, you can't exactly not sleep or run away from him now can you? This basic principal does get overused but c'mon, the first time you saw it you can't say it didn't leave you jittery and scared. The Body Bag Screen is enough to scary the living daylights out of you. Of course this film is also unintentionally funny. (The ending Window Grab made me nearly fall to the ground laughing.) The killing is genius and creative, ranging from being set ablaze to being blended up inside your bed and spewed to the roof and being picked up in a bucket. The sequels may seem quick rehashes of the movie but that shouldn't stop you from enjoying this, and any other of the sequels. So I say you sit back, relax, enjoy the corny acting and the typical sex scenes and root for Freddy like you know you want to.
7/10
Halloween (1978)
Given WAY too much Credit.
At best Halloween can be summed up as 'luke warm.' Given a stale one dimensional character to work with in the beginning is just what you would expect with most slashers. This would not be such a big problem were it not for the fact that four people are killed in this movie... That's right... 4. Throughout this ENTIRE movie four people are murdered. One which you barely see in a bush. Michael Myers is just a smaller and (Dare I say.) Weaker Jason Voorhees. Being taken down by a Coat hanger of all things. Laurie the heroine of the film could not be any duller if she tried. Dropping two knives while Myer's chases her. Here is an Idea: USE THE KNIFE TO STAB HIM INSTEAD OF A COAT HANGER. If I had to give credit to this movie, it would have to probably be the now famous music. Camera angles are uninspired and the character of Myers is just too dull, so you killed your sister. So what. I know people will bash this to no end but Halloween in the end just seems like a lame story done with a lame cast who basically are responsible for the stereotypes we see in Slashers today.
I bought this at a flea market for two dollars and I still feel cheated. Watch it if you're into old school stuff. If not, I'd avoid.
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003)
For a Chainsaw Movie... There was a lack of REAL Gore...
When you look at the Texas Chainsaw massacre ripped down to it's skeleton. It is a very flimsly premise, even the original was a bit weak in the actual story department, The original at least could hold it's own in the shock factor. The oldie had me jump a few times. Of course with this installment, the entire movie is about cheap shock value. That and the suffering in particular of Morgan and Andy. Morgan had my sympathy throughout his entire ordeal which when you see it, will make you very uncomfortable. If anything Leatherface plays a side role in this movie, appearing in sewing scenes and putting a handful of salt on a certain someone's open wounds.
The families that hang around making hell for the teens are missing one simple thing that fuelled the entire original Story. They were Cannibals. The newer movie seems fit to leave this fact out completely and ignore it. Which literally makes little to no sense to me. Despite some obvious flaws and some boring camera angles, this movie gets gory very fast but there is only one big gross out you will see, and that's it. For a movie about a chainsaw wielding, skin wearing, freak a zoid, there felt like a lapse of any REAL violence. Most is just the facial expressions of the teens as they are ripped into little bits.
Don't avoid the movie but if at all possible see the older version. It will be much better than this. This remake is not terrible and it makes for a good movie to watch if you're bored. Otherwise... well. It's up to you.
Freddy vs. Jason (2003)
Not a Masterpiece but Not Horrible.
OK, if you are a hardcore Elm/13 fan. You know the formula of the movies and you probably know that nothing will change, not significantly anyways. Take your typical teenagers with their sub-par acting abilities (Holy cr*p Jason Ritter.) And fake Implants (Monica Keena.)Some kid who thinks he's Jay from Clerks. And you have the formula for the film. But who goes to these movies to see the teens? Robert Englund again gives a great performance as Freddy the Psychopathic Child killer from beyond. And Ken Kirzenger playing a somewhat 'taller' Jason Voorhees gives the expected performance. Of course if you're Jason you don't need to be Anthony Hopkins in the acting department.
The film is basically a giant gore fest which should be what you expect. And this movie delivers nothing but blood and gore. However Jason getting all but one kill is not that awesome. I wanted to see Freddy do some old school nightmare stuff. Not play Ping Pong with Jason Voorhees. (Though that is reminiscent of the old Elm St Movies.) Pack in some cheesy one liners. Some predictable deaths, (Some not so much.) And you have your movie. If you're looking for academy award winning material. Don't look here. If you're looking for something fun and filled with tons of blood. Look no further.
Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday (1993)
Not Bad, You Just Have to Think.
To wrap your head around Jason Goes to Hell, would be like trying to wrap your head around Paris Hilton actually releasing a CD. It doesn't make sense to you and it probably never will. If it came down to it, go with Jason Goes to Hell, because Paris Hilton, sucks, big time. But back to Jason. Jason Goes to Hell basically is the directors attempt to try and make Jason more than just a brute, slashing, zombie.
However in the end it just goes even more so. Adding fuel to the fire for people who hate the Friday series. And with this installment, who can blame them? The premise itself is very ridiculous, Jason is blown into a million pieces, then comes back through the bodies of others. Wow, great plot right? Well maybe if you like trying to think about what the hell is going on.
You start with a coroner, he eats Jason's heart. That makes sense... moving on. Jason goes around killing teens and adults again. And then eventually (For the last few minutes of the film.) Becomes himself again. Add in the mix of a Bounty Hunter who has a grudge (For an unexplained reason.) A family dagger which can somehow kill Jason, and Freddy Kreuger. And you have yourself a movie filled with more plot holes than teens murdered. This film does make up for it with more 'inventive' kills, but not even that can make this film great. It's OK for Friday Fans, if not, then steer clear.
Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989)
I blinked and missed Manhatten...
You'd think that a movie based entirely on a character going to New York would have of a... New York Feeling to it. Despite the fact that Jason spends about twenty minutes in New York and most of this is spent in an alleyway, This movie was actually a passable movie, but just barely. Racked with empty plot holes and cheesy lines this should not surprise watchers AT ALL. It's the same fun you're used to with the rest of the damn movies, so don't expect it to be an award winning movie. Jason looks just as Stupid as ever. Donning a changed mask (Maybe he found ANOTHER Hockeymask underwater?) And his eye has magically healed! You'd think the director would actually watch the other movies before jumping head first into another movie. Jason's face is also just as bad as before, this time donning a frankenstein sort of mug. He bumbles around like a big dummy again... killing stupid teenagers... again.
So really, if You want to just pick up the movie for old times sake. Or if you want something to occupy your time. This movie is perfect. if not... Steer clear.
Jason Lives: Friday the 13th Part VI (1986)
A Great Jason Flick.
OK, so Friday the 13th has not been known for particularly great and compelling movies. But I really feel that Jason Lives proves the critics wrong about the entire series. OK the movies starts off with the only teen to appear in more than two films Tommy Jarvis, he's driving around and tries to cremate Jason, big mistake! Jason begins to get up (after being hit by lightning.) And bing boom bam, it's the basic Jason formula. Kill, rip, stab, repeat. OK, so you've obviously gotten used to this, Jason kills the kids who have sex, drink, blah blah. The real great part about this series is really the establishment that Jason actually has a weak spot. Up until now it's been hitting Jason in the face with an ax or a machete. But now Jason becomes an even deeper character.
But enough of that! Jason continues to kick teens around like the little children they are. Oh and of course the old gravedigger. Jason continues to stay in Tommy's mind, Tommy is jailed for being disruptive and causing havoc. It then comes down to a final showdown at the camp where Jason nearly drowned many years ago. Jason goes (and this surprised me...) and kills the Christian, peppy, la la girl. Not only kill, but he massacres her (including being thrown through a window.) Jason finally fights Tommy, Tommy takes Jason to the lake (lures) Jason eventually is put underwater and has his eye cut out by a motorboat propeller. (A fact which every director since has decided to ignore for some reason.) This to me is the one Jason movies that if I had to choose to represent the ENTIRE series, I'd pick. Good kills, actual character development, and just Jason in general being kick ASS! The only real problem is that again the director decides to stick with the same formula. It can get very tiresome, very quickly. Still an awesome movie and I would recommend this 100%
Jason X (2001)
Basically, it's Aliens, only much worse.
Alright, I've always been a fan of the Friday the thirteen series, since the first one, so don't take this as someone who is biased against the entire Jason attitude of Rush, Stab, Repeat. But Jason X just goes too far in what we fans can really tolerate. The premise is new to the Friday the 13th series, unfortunately the ENTIRE story hinges on the premise of the movie ALIEN.
Basically greedy government officials want to keep the ultimate weapon alive at the cost of anyone in a hundred mile radius. Of course Jason breaks loose and begins to kill and cut his way around the spaceship which is all fine and dandy... and then BAM, three consecutive nude scenes *yay* so far, it's basically the Friday the 13th Formula, despite the entire teacher sex scene (Which I will not even MENTION.) So finally they know Jason is around and BAM we hit the same formula again (i.e. Nerdy dude is electrocuted, stupid bimbo kills herself by accident.) And I must at this time comment that the chicks are even stupider in this edition (Who shoots Jason and then leaves him ON A TABLE BUILT FOR FIXING PEOPLE?) OK so then they fly around, blah blah, Jason then kills an entire crack squad of marines (Another ALIEN REFERENCE?) The teens panic and run around like chickens with their heads chopped off. Then Jason regenerates into something that will shame fans for many a year, he transforms into Uber-Jason. Luckily for us, he usually is only seen in walking sequences, that, and the occasional bang against a tree.
The kids end up blowing up their entire Home space station (Is it made of glass? You'd think a space station would at least have a shield.) Then it comes down to the five, Tough black guy who sacrifices himself... (again) Cyborg and her (ugh) Human boyfriend... Slut who sleeps with the now deceased teacher. and the main chick. To make a long story short, The slut ends up having one of the stupidest deaths in the movie, that death could have been so amazing yet they are content to put some slices of bologna on the railing and BAM! A death scene.
I won't ruin the very end for you, sufficient to say it also is reminiscent of ALIEN. The entire movie feels like it's being fed down you're throat, it has awful one-liners (32% :o), Terrible deaths that just reek of the other movies, and stupid teenagers AS USUAL. Yep, this sure was a great movie...
The only time I would ever recommend this movie, is if a mad scientist gave you the choice of watching it, or eating Rusty nails, and even then, it's a close race.