M-Ols Reviews

Little Fockers (2010)

Bob and Ben take a meeting (a micro screenplay)

[1/10 · 18 April 2011]

SCENE (Interor): The Tribeca loft offices of Robert DeNiro. PHILLIP, a NYU film student in $700 jeans, an ironic Hannah Montana t-shirt and wearing a telephone headset, prepares and serves espresso for DENIRO his boss, who is meeting with Ben STILLER. The two famous actors are plunged into deep, soft, leather sofas.

STILLER: Did you blow on my espresso?

PHILLIP: No sir.

STILLER: I need you to blow on my coffee... I don't like it hot.

PHILLIP: Sir?

DENIRO: Phillip, Mr Stiller would like you to cool is espresso.

PHILLIP: Really?

STILLER: No Phillip I'm just kidding.

DENIRO: But blow on it anyway.

STILLER: No, really don't. Okay. Once go ahead

(Phillip blows on coffee, and then talks into his phone headset)

PHILLIP: Okay, go...patch him through. (To DENIRO) Mr Hoffman is on the line.

DENIRO: Put him on the speaker, Phillip.

PHILLIP: Yes sir. (Phillip exits)

Actor DUSTIN Hoffman joins the conversation by phone. He's calling in from the beach in Malibu -- he's playing teatherball with a grandchild.

DUSTIN: Bobby!

DENIRO: Dusty!

DUSTIN: What is happening?

DENIRO: You'll never guess who's here.

DUSTIN: Who's there? Is it Marty?

STILLER: Hiya Dusty, it's me!

DUSTIN: Benjamin! Hello! This can only mean one thing...

DENIRO: Fockers!

STILLER: Fockers!

DUSTIN: Fockers!

ALL: Fockers!

DUSTIN: I'm in.

DENIRO & STILLER: He's in!

DUSTIN: Gimme what Babs is getting', and I'm in. What's Babs getting'?

DENIRO: Well Dust, she's getting five mil, two points, one day on set in Burbank and one day on location.

DUSTIN: Location?

STILLER: Chicago.

DUSTIN: Chicago? Ummm. Half day.

DENIRO: Sure half -

(A boisterous voice, off screen)

VOICE: Roberto!

DENIRO: My god, Dusty, guess who just walked in.

DUSTIN: No idea.

DENIRO: Harvey *bleeping* Keitel

DUSTIN: Does he want to be in a movie?

STILLER: You wanna be in a movie?

KEITEL: Sure. How much?

DENIRO: Howza a mil?

KEITEL: Sure, why not. How 'bout I get an espresso.

DENIRO: (Shouting) Phillip - get Mr Keitel a *bleeping* espresso.

STILLER: (Shouting) And blow on it.

DUSTIN: No doubt.

The Resident (2011)

Skip it

[4 April 2011]

This is one of those movies when you can't help but assume they got a set on the cheap, and then wrote a script around it.

In this case, it's an apartment with a view of the Brooklyn Bridge that you only see in movies.

Hillary Swank moves into this set, and Denny from Grey's Anatomy does his very best Anthony Perkins impersonation. That, folks, is the spoiler.

Here's another (a-hem) spoiler: that knife, by the kitchen sink, which is plainly visible? Well, like all by-the-numbers thrillers with unimaginative scripts and resale sets, that knife ain't just for cutting apples.

How Do You Know (2010)

Dozy

[3/10 · 29 March 2011]

There's a lot of problems with this movie. Number one - it's boring.

Let's start with the characters. Even though they are, for the most part, encountering the most dramatic moments in their lives, they do not change in any way-shape-form. This might be because they were originally drafted as shapeless and formless. They might as well have no names, just t-shirt pronouncing them: "Optimistic Guy", "Positive Girl", "Meglomaniac Manchild", "Narcissistic Dad".

Two of the characters - Lisa (Witherspoon) and Matty (Wilson) are world-class athletes. This defines them. But we seem them at their games for a total of 4 minutes of screen time. They might as well be Famous Writers or Astronauts (oops, never mind, James L Brooks already used those tags).

The other thing(s) that made this movie dulllll: our 2 Oscar winners. Yep - Jack and Reese phone this one in. From planet Ambien. Cripes, do they know they are in a movie? What kind of direction did they get? "Reese - you're sad", "Jack, you're mad." Wilson and Rudd, a couple of guys with good comic timing, try to bring some energy to their scenes. But Witherspoon doesn't have an improv gene in her entire body, and she thuddily plays of Rudd/Wilson here just like she dry-as-sand played off Vince Vaughn in "Four Christmases".

Back to script - you may care how it turns out for nice fella George (Rudd) and be mildly interested in total-stranger Lisa, but you probably won't give a crap how it turns out for the other 2 central characters who are recycled Flap Hortons (Jeff Daniel's character from Brooks' very fine "Terms of Endearment").

I won't bother with the worn dialog, the swelling score, and the invasive camera-work.

P.S. I Love You (2007)

A lacking weeper

[3/10 · 10 December 2008]

If you've gotten to this comment, you pretty much know what this movie is all about: recently widowed Hillary Swank is made whole again by letters that come from her now-dead husband; after a year, she's healed. Yada-yada-yada.

What's wrong with this movie? Let's begin with the writing. Not only is the dialog horribly wooden, but the structure is terrible, and not one single character emerges from the page as a 3-dimensional being.

So let's give the director a break. Stuck with more plod than plot - it wouldn't be easy to breathe life into this DOA movie-thing. It was obviously impossible to bring Harry Connick Jr out of a catatonic state and Lisa Kudrow just falls back to her sitcom tics. (But, don't feel too bad for them - the whole country of Ireland is also bereft of its charm and good looks as well).

This a silly movie; designed to make you cry. If that's what you're into, bring the tissues - but let your brain enjoy something else (like Bridget Jones, for example).

The Strangers (2008)

Mini-movie with Macro-credits.

[2/10 · 10 November 2008]

We start with Liv Tyler and her boyfriend, having just a day in the life. This is one of Stephen King's favorite tricks - have scary s*** happen to regular people. This first act goes on forever, and ever.

Then the antagonists show up. And they utterly fail to deliver any sense of danger. Some ruckus outside, then they're inside.

Then the movie is over.

And then the closing credits, which - no lie - take as long as the rest of the movie. No doubt, to stretch the official run-time beyond the 67 minutes of actual movie.

Now what's really ironic... the same thing is happening to me with this submission. So I have to stretch it out.

Today's lunch: pastrami.

The Ten (2007)

improv comedy without the stage, audience or laughs

[2/10 · 18 August 2008]

The fun of improvisational comedy (as made famous by Second City, the Improv Olympics, The Groudlings, etc) is the seat-of-the-pants inventiveness of performing live, in front of an audience. In the live format, the jokes are always appreciated because they are (or at least, have the appearance of being) unscripted and spontaneous.

On film though, there is obviously no live audience and zero spontaneity. Without these elements, you've lost 2/3 of your three-legged stool. And that's why "The Ten" falls.

Looking for good sketch comedy moved to the stage? Any Monty Python picture will work. The Kids in the Hall's very sketchy, very loosey-goosey "Brain Candy " (1996) serves up better laughs and mayhem than "The Ten". I suppose you could even look to "Animal House" and "Caddyshack" for a flavor of sketch comedy on screen.

The Curse of El Charro (2005)

Grindhouse movies: alive and well. Sort of.

[4/10 · 14 July 2008]

Quentin Tarentino and Robert Rodriguez tried (I'd say, with mixed success) to honor the history of grindhouse movies -- low budget movies shot with gonzo velocities and lots of cleavers & cleavage.

What Tarentino and Rodriguez tried to celebrate from their mink-lined, gold-plated director chairs, these guys did all by their loathsome lonesome, and cranked out El Charro. A masterpiece? No - not by a long shot. But, you know, it does have all the hallmarks of grindhouse: barely comprehensible plotting, bizarre riffs from the periphery, cars on desert highways, bad dialog, bad cops, bad bars, some nonsense about curses, babbling priests, buckets of blood, a couple hundred f-bombs, and (duh) topless women.

If you're looking for El Charro to introduce you to next round of cinematic genius, you'll be sorely disappointed. But, if you've been hankering for some drive-in quality, B-movie slasher junk -- then why the hell not?

(The soundtrack kind of kicks a--, by the way).

Glass House: The Good Mother (2006 Video)

Good premise falls flat

[3/10 · 19 May 2008]

The premise, an insane uber-mother doles out practiced physical abuse, is a fairly sound launching point for this suspense thriller. The story is well-structured and the dialog is better than its B-movie status. The principle cast does what they can with what they're given and the cinematography & lighting are top-notch.

However, the direction and editing are horrible. The director has no sense of mise-en-scene; every shot is crowded. The camera is ever-moving with "look at me, I went to film school" joy. The editing was overly busy. Every single transition was hallmarked with an establishing shot of the house's exterior.

Had the camera settled down, and the story (not editing) carried the pace this would've been a much better film.

Jordan Hinson, a young actress, holds the film's center very well.

Bottomline: Not worth watching.

Feast of Love (2007)

No surprises

[2/10 · 11 April 2008]

Maybe this will contain spoilers... but so what? You'll see every plot-point coming at you from a mile away. This movie contains absolutely no surprises.

Morgan Freeman turns in a masterly performance as (no surprise) the world-wise gentlemen with a big heart. For me, Freeman carried "Feast" and was the only bright spot.

Greg Kinnear -- and I'm normally fan -- phoned in his performance as the good soul who still believes in loves but can't find the right woman. He's supposed to be the lovable doofus, but really is just a doofus.

Then there's a bunch of other people. They kind of drift around and make the movie longer.

All in all, this reminded me of a weak John Irving novel tricked out with some bodice-ripping.

Down to You (2000)

Leave it in the bin

[3/10 · 8 February 2008]

A not very-original story of two young people who fall in love and go through pretty much the exact same things all young couples deal with in real life or the movies.

The dialog is trite and, dare I say it again, unoriginal.

Cutesy devices -- like the narration, like the characters addressing the camera (Fourth Wall! We Need You!) are overdone, badly done, and grating.

Amateurish in every respect.

Why a 3? The secondaries -- the Orson Welles-like guy, the Selma Blair porn star girl, Freddie's roommate, and the pot girl. How about a movie about these people, instead of the cookie-cutter romcom leads (yawn).

Watch out for Ashton Kutcher as Jim Morrison. Seriously.

Freeze Frame (2004)

Low budget doesn't have to equal crap

[7/10 · 30 May 2007]

Evans rocks as the paranoid Veil. Rarely do we get to see an actor so totally give to a role. His performance alone makes this one worth watching.

The movie starts out promisingly -- a modern Kafkaesque tale of an innocent man pursued by Authorities; but ultimately it's twisting plot (chock full of red herrings and diabolical suspects) stretches pretty thin.

It was very refreshing to see some "new" faces on screen. The lack of certifiable star-power re-enforced the cinema verite aspects of the film.

Any young film-maker would do him/herself a favor by seeing what can be accomplished on a small budget -- provided you have a decent script, good editing and fantastic lead performance.

Instinct (1999)

Gorillas Fly Over the Cuckoo's Nest

[3/10 · 2 May 2007]

This movie is a heavy-handed collision of Gorillas in the Mist and One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. Seriously.

Somewhere in the muddle is some kind of message about man's eco-place in the natural environment. Or something like that.

We get Anthony Hopkins living among Gorillas (but he doesn't run into Sigourney Weaver, go figure) until he gets arrested and flown back to the US to face charges. An eager young med student named Cuba Gooding Jr is volunteered by Donald Sutherland to conduct a psych evaluation on Hopkins.

Well, it takes one minute for Cuba to break through the primitive wall of silence Hopkins has constructed. And before you can say Jack Nicholson, Hopkins has the assorted criminal loons on his side. Which is supposed to be all uplifting.

Skip this. Watch Cuckoo's Nest, Gorillas in the Mist and Silence of the Lambs instead.