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Reviews
Angels' Brigade (1979)
Send. Acting. Coach.
Let's see. There was the idea that seven women without any sort of training of any kind would bring down a drug kingpin. There was the fact that none of these women ever thought to call in the police. There was the drug kingpin who stored millions of dollars of drugs in a ludicrously unguarded "processing compound."
There was this famous pop star who can apparently get around Los Angeles completely unrecognized. There was a "Vietnamese" character with a Japanese name. There was this high school girl hanging on to the trunk of a Caddy, uncommented upon by other drivers, as it sped through LA.
There were appearances by such actors as Jack Palance, Jim Backus(if you watch MST3K's version, Angel's Revenge, you can actually hear Mike and the bots groan when Backus makes his appearance), Peter Lawford(Tom Servo: "Do you think Peter Lawford even knows where he is?") and Arthur Godfrey. And there were plot holes aplenty and lots more awfulness besides this.
All of this and more make for one of the worst movies ever made by anyone. That anybody thought this was a good idea and that actors of the caliber of Jack Palance agreed to participate is mind-boggling. Watch the MST3K version which is one of their best efforts.
Space Mutiny (1988)
Fetch me my warrior muumuu
This is one of the two or three worst movies ever made by anybody. How anyone could have thought this was a good idea and how so many actors with actual careers(including the once-formidable Cameron Mitchell) could have agreed to be in this abomination boggles my mind. Space Mutiny is so bad that it's funny all by itself, I watch it all the time(at least the MST3K version) and I'm nowhere near tired of it.
What's wrong with it? Just about everything. It had no budget and its editing was so laughably inept that it had more continuity errors than any ten movies. Here are ten reasons why censorship is not necessarily a bad thing and why this movie ought to be banned from polite society: (1) All of its "outer space" footage was stolen from Battlestar Galactica.
(2) Since they didn't have enough money to create a fighter with actual controls, every shot of Our Hero, Reb Brown, in his Stingray Viper doohickey is a close-up. Apparently, you can fly those things merely by flipping switches on and off.
(3) They also didn't have enough money to create sets of the big ship, called the Southern Sun, so most of the interior shots of the "spaceship" are filmed in a factory/processing plant. So you can seen actual windows here and there and some of the walls of this "spaceship" are made of brick and the floors are made of concrete. And it's not a particularly clean "spaceship" either. In one shot, you can see Our Hero, Big McLargehuge's footsteps raising dust as he runs.
(4) Whoever designed the costumes of this thing hasn't seen a sci-fi movie made after 1957. Most of the woman were basically in bathing suits or miniskirts and some of the men were in these ridiculous things with ridiculously wide shoulders. Our Hero Slab Bulkhead's "spacesuit" was standard-issue 50's space movie and his helmet had lights that flashed for some reason. And some of the crew wore a patch with the Southern Sun insignia, a black patch with two S's in silver. Wonder if anyone had any second thoughts about that? Then there was Cameron Mitchell's ludicrously fake beard which brought out lots of Santa references in the MST3K version (5) The villain, a guy named Calgon(boo!), should have had a handlebar mustache given his tendency to cut loose with an evil laugh for no reason all through this thing.
(6) I still can't figure out how the chief engineer got the job at all considering that he sounded like a borderline psychotic for most of the movie.
(7) Apparently, in that time and space, "sexy" dancing consists of cavorting with hula-hoops to bad techno and showing one's rear end a lot.
(8) Several times during this thing, shots were reused. The same explosion, the same take by Calgon(boo!) and the same party happened more than once.
(9) In the climactic chase scene between Calgon(boo!) and Our Hero Bob Johnson, the two men banged golf carts repeatedly. Then Our Hero screams for some reasons and leaps out of his golf cart which slams into Calgon's(boo!) golf cart resulting in a huge explosion.
And the best one of all: (10) A woman is killed in one scene and is back at her post a few moments later.
Space Mutiny is so horrendous that it's positively impressive.