IzzyMaeDoorite Reviews

S.S.D. (2008)

Soviet Stories of Death

[6/10 · 9 May 2024]

Easily the best Russian slasher, although there are virtually none. It's not streaming anywhere in the world except for Germany. SSD (let's call it Soviet Stories of Death, since it was never released in English-speaking countries) is a dirty, mean-spirited parody of reality TV with added arterial spray. Love in the Wild meets notoriously macabre Soviet campfire tales and gives birth to this horrid Friday the 13th knock-off with over-the-top acting.

Voyeuristic take on a familiar pulp plays off better than it might seem despite not being groundbreaking (My Little Eye, anyone?) The supernatural twist is also not something new for the genre, the problem is that the script didn't properly portray it, and it wasn't utilized in a satisfying manner. The gore is relatively tame, but Russian movies, as a rule, rarely get visceral-thus the lack of body count horror movies from the country.

All and all, SSD is an uncut gem never discovered by the international audience. It's bolder than other slashers from exotic places, and it doesn't disappoint more than a regular Kane Hodder flick available in every existing streaming platform.

American Horror Story: The Auteur (2024) Season 12, Episode 9

Indelicate writing

[3/10 · 25 April 2024]

The season has come to an end, and even additional several months of hiatus weren't enough to salvage its impotent, amateur script.

Delicate is an uncanny valley of itself: visually it's still American Horror Story, but there's something deeply off-putting about it. The episode is unusually short, involves a very few actors who are unable to tap into the show's former magic and glory. The plot is muddled with barely coherent dialogue and, eventually, murdered point blank by deus ex machina, one of the most humiliating and laziest plot devices ever conceived by the human mind.

What could be a great take on Rosemary's Baby turned into meandering mess with filler shots and filler characters with little to no attention to the bigger scene, all of which rendered Delicate a dull and worthless experience that lacks any wit to revitalize a tarnished brand of AHS.

Seed (2006)

Don't you just hate it when Germans?

[2/10 · 12 February 2024]

Uwe Boll is, without a doubt, a misanthrope in a classic, encyclopedic meaning-his distaste for human life surpasses virtually any slasher movie. He loves, no, he LOVES depicting massacres on the screen. Heart of America was inspired by the Columbine, Rampage introduced an Anders Breivik-like terrorist who slaughtered the entire town (three years before the actual attack because life imitates art), Postal and Assault on Wall Street did the same thing with varying degrees of drama and, uhh, like, comedy? Whatever. Even after retiring he couldn't pass the opportunity to make an atrocious Hanau about QAnon shooting.

Seed, however, might be considered a family freak even in this deranged selection. It wastes no time to nauseate the viewer with real life footage of animal cruelty, women and children slowly decaying in the dungeon. When it's not a splatter horror, it's a really dull and lifeless police procedural with automatonic Michael Paré in the middle. Pointing at the countless plot holes is useless, especially considering the movie's ending that, in a utopian society, would've put the director on a lifetime watchlist.

Uwe's problem is not that he's a bad filmmaker (and he is), the real issue is that he used taxpayers' money for a modern-day crusade where he envisioned himself as a prophet whose MO is "people are dumb and they want garbage, so I give them so much garbage they'll be sick of themselves." Seed is a pure shock value, one of many mean-spirited cinematic equivalents of a spit in the face begotten by a rage-baiting, salty hack that is Uwe Boll.

Lake Alice (2017)

Christmas vacation gone wrong... for the audience

[2/10 · 1 December 2023]

Director Ben Milliken's total rejection of established film-making techniques renders Lake Alice/Tomahawk a dull and worthless experience fueled by lifeless performances of no-name/has-been actors poorly imitating human beings' interactions while some of the worst sound editing you've ever heard keeps enraging the viewer. And if you decide to finish this flaming turd of a film out of spite, you'll live to see an obnoxiously banal plot twist "inspired" by the Scream franchise. This annoying, amateurish and soporific waste of a time cannot be recommended or taken seriously, so heed my warning and avoid it.

Dark Harvest (2023)

Dumber Games

[3/10 · 18 October 2023]

What an absolutely rubbish plot. I couldn't possibly come up with a more inane one even if I tried my hardest. Each Halloween parents lock up and starve their teenage sons for three days to make them hunt for a man-made monster, and the one to kill it gets a lot of goods for his family and a ticket out of town for himself. Famished, rabid kids get killed by the monster, by the adults and by each other in the process. All of this for the sake of... *checks notes* prosperity of the town. A couple of gory kills and a sterile cinematography are nowhere near enough to make this watchable or at least make a tiniest bit of sense.

Woman in the Maze (2023)

But the film is saddening bore

[4/10 · 5 October 2023]

I've just attended the world premiere of Woman in the Maze in Moscow, one day ahead of the US release. There were three people in the auditorium, including me. And none of us were interested in what's happening on the screen.

Mitesh Patel's flat directing spawns pedestrian acting provided by every single cast member and scarce, bloodless thrills. Despite constantly reminding the viewers that the film is inspired by the real ghost town of Jerome, AZ, and even going as far as doing the principal shooting there, Woman in the Maze doesn't actually utilize it or make it valuable to the plot, and it could easily be replaced by a fictional setting.

Don't mind the ridiculously high rating of 8,6 (higher than the ones of Rain Man and Citizen Kane), there's absolutely no way it's legit.

Catfish Murder (2023 TV Movie)

Exceptionally bland and lifeless

[3/10 · 21 August 2023]

I've seen a bunch of Lifetime films and they're all alike with their "successful single mother and her teenage child in peril" trope. But Catfish Murder (renamed My Son Didn't Do It for TV programming) is a significant decline in an already mediocre at best quality of screenplay and technical aspects.

Faded picture, little to no background music (I find it hard to believe this film has two composers), vapid screenplay even by the standards of Lifetime/Reel One, uninspired acting with a bunch of walking dummies prancing around creased and constantly fatigued Gina Holden whose career is definitely having such a hard time she stopped pretending to enjoy her work for the network. I love Gina, some of her earlier movies I gladly rewatch, so it's especially tough for me to admit her recession.

Both director and screenwriter are newcomers, which is an apparent reason of a visible lack of budget money, which greatly contributed to the overwhelming failure of Catfish Murder. I mean c'mon, they didn't even shoot it in Vancouver like they usually do, moving the production to Kelowna instead. Every single thing about this film says "we're uninterested, we can't wait to finish it and move on". Well, so am I.

Also, have you seen the trailer? It literally highlights the true perpetrator and their reason to commit the crime. So much for the mystery thriller. Appalling.

Dominion (2015)

A headline for my review

[3/10 · 19 August 2023]

I want to believe... that the creators knew what an absolutely hilarious, outrageously funny thing they bestowed upon this planet. An interstellar alliance of good aliens that wants to save the Earth from bad aliens but can't because they suck, government conspiracies including sanctioned WTC and Oklahoma City bombings and artificial AIDS, NPC agents trying to stop the protagonists from spreading the truth despite knowing than the human race will literally go extinct in less than a week, Tim Burton's former muse Lisa Marie making an unnecessary cameo as another alien basically saying "Can't help hoomans, byeee".

It was refreshingly appaling, I don't even regret watching this motion picture. The only thing I regret is not having it watched with all my friends, we might've just as well go extinct from laugh and cringe and trying to come up with a reason for this to be written, filmed and released as a serious sci-fi thriller. Grab a six-pack, call your buddies and watch it, you'll have a ball, I mean it.

American Horror Story: Something's Coming (2022) Season 11, Episode 1

Tiresome

[4/10 · 20 October 2022]

You've probably heard that American Horror Story is going downhill many times. There's no consensus about when exactly things went wrong but most people tend to think this way. The brand new season proves them all right. It lacks everything that made audience fall in love with the show in the first place.

New York, the 1980's. A local gay community constantly has sex in all sorts of creepy, germ-infested places, uses drugs and occasionally gets murdered by leather guy named (bear with me) Big Daddy. Also there's a new virus on Fire Island that affects deers. That's pretty much all events in this episode. Self-explanatory, as one of the characters states.

American Horror Story used to be genuinely scary and groundbreaking with its ensemble cast and fresh takes on familiar plots. Not anymore. A show that has a killer named Big Daddy and that wastes screen time to explain what the handkerchief code is can't possibly be chilling or, at least, taken seriously. Season 11 just started but it already has the potential of becoming another nail in the show's coffin.

The Munsters (2022)

Unlike anything Rob Zombie has made before

[4/10 · 27 September 2022]

And that's not a good thing. Having never watched or even heard of The Munsters prior to this film, I simply though it'll be like The Addams Family, but no, childish take on horror/gothic movies legacy isn't enough. In fact, no one's going to enjoy this mess: kids won't be interested in toothless jokes and adults won't be entertained enough to pay attention to various unnecessary homages to classic monster movies.

Veteran horror actors aren't satisfying as gaudy one-sided characters, and the lead duo of Sheri Moon Zombie and Jeff Daniel Phillips is plain painful to watch even though they apparently channel the way Lily and Herman used to be portrayed in the original TV show that aired nearly 60 years ago.

The Munsters starts cringeworthy and ends abruptly, leaving viewer disappointed and wanting to rewatch any Rob Zombie's previous films - having gallons of blood and intestines spewed in one's face is somehow more familiar and interesting than seeing Zombie making his childhood dream come true.

The Twin (2022)

High on clichés, low on authenticity

[5/10 · 7 May 2022]

The Twin has a handful of corny horror tropes: child loss, new home in the middle of nowhere, pregnancy exploitation, hallucinations, gaslighting, quasi-satanic rituals, folk atmosphere (or, at least, an attempt to create it), et cetera. Too many ingredients for one film, and eventually it's hard even to qualify the results. Is this a psychological drama wrapped in horror? Is this a horror wrapped in psychological drama? Is this a Finnish Midsommar? We wish we knew. Not even Lights Out's Teresa Palmer and the whole exotic setting ("wow, those Finns are so eerie but their nature is so beautiful") can make this ponderous mess work.

Agnes (2021)

Hard to imagine a worse directing

[2/10 · 11 December 2021]

People are right when they say only the first half is a conventional horror. It was weird, tongue-in-cheek, and perhaps even sorta entertaining horror. But then the second half emerges, and it feels like a completely new film. A more dramatic sequel, some might suggest. But absolutely not the film you started watching. And Lord, it was insufferable.

I spent a great deal of time trying to figure what in the world was that. The truth is that it was a horrible script made into an unnecessary, not scary, brain-damaging garbage helmed by one of the worst directing I've even had a displeasure to witness. The greatest mystery is how main actors agreed to participate. It's not that the budget was huge or creators were well-known and respected. Why was it made? Why had I punished myself by watching it completely although it became painful past the first hour? If you love Jesus or decent horror firms, avoid Agnes like a burning dumpster.

Malignant (I) (2021)

Equivalent of a roller coaster

[8/10 · 12 September 2021]

Malignant is so bizzare, fast-pacing, shocking and entertaining that there should be a specific terminology for such flicks: a hyperhorror. Want a slasher? Get a load of gut-wrenching murders occurring in a really short period with flying body parts and stabbed faces. Feel like supernatural? Get a brash, mind-blowing plot twist that makes a viewer question if creators are *that* deranged. Need action? Breathtaking chase scene that is so long (for a horror film) and intense it's almost a burden. Need a bit of mystery? Also nailed it.

Malignant took everything what's usable in its genre and swiftly turned it to 100. Unfortunately, everything has its price, and in this case it's film's authenticity and acting. James Wan's anticipated comeback is simply not scary in the way The Conjuring or Insidious used to be. It's a shame but a forgivable one. And acting is the least strong quality of Malignant because Annabelle Wallis, although an unquestionably good actresses, is not a scream queen like Jamie Lee Curtis or, at least, Tiffany Shepis. Wallis' character screams comically often and never gives a classic horror female protagonist vibes. She previously starred in mediocre Annabelle produced by Wan, so his decision to let her take a revanche looks pretty questionable. This part just wasn't for her. She tried her best though.

Summary: easily this year's most memorable horror film that we all deserve. James Wan proves he's still got it. Visual effects creators are at liberty to believe they're worthy of the upcoming Academy Awards. Annabelle Wallis should stick to slow-burners.

The Dark (I) (2018)

Dead should stay in their graves

[2/10 · 31 August 2021]

If you think Nurse Ratchet is most frustrating and hateful movie character ever, wait until you see this film's main antagonist, the undead teenage girl Mina, a supposed protagonist. The Dark has stunning cinematography, perhaps its best feature, because the rest is highly unpleasant and vile.

The said girl, having experienced abuse and untimely demise at the hands of her rapist, does everything to make sure the boy, whose kidnapper she stopped with a hatchet, gets as traumatized as possible. Brutally murdering anyone who tries to rescue him and bring him back to his family, Mina is written as an unlikely ally, and the whole situation as some sort of friendship of two damaged souls. The worst thing is that both actors are solid and even slightly believable, and that is the reason The Dark is much more unsettling that many other horror flicks.

I will never recommend this film to anyone, only as an example of how not to write your characters. The Dark is irritating and disappointing experience from the start to the end that make you believe zombies should never be given consciousness and put into slow-burners driven by situations that require compassion and sanity from them.

American Horror Stories: Feral (2021) Season 1, Episode 6

This is what Wrong Turn should've been

[7/10 · 15 August 2021]

For the first time in the entire show this is an actual American horror story. The previous episode about mischief pregnancy was high above the first three storylines but lacked that feeling of true national "folk" fear unlike ghosts, aliens, witchcraft or historical oddities, be it circuses or New England settlers. This is what makes Feral a real highlight of this troubled spin-off.

A couple losing their beloved son during a camping is already a solid thriller plot, but adding ferocious Wrong Turn-esque inbreds felt like a pivotal detail for making this story a bona fide AHS episode. Some might feel Feral could've been slightly longer or more substantive but let's pretend that the creators were terrified of the previous episodes scripts' quality and decided to play safe with this one without adding more scenes that could possibly ruin everything.

Cody Fern, although billed as the lead actor, gets a pretty small yet important part of local park ranger who knows some weird things. Aaron Tveit, previously seen as an unnecessary adulterer in the second episode, makes a huge improvement with his new character of a devastated father and failed husband. The said feral people are surprisingly creepy and distinctive, each earning their own unique design.

This is not only what Wrong Turn should've been. This is what the whole American Horror Story universe should've been since it started to lose its roots circa season seven. The most ironic and sad thing is that Feral was created by Manny Coto (Dr. Giggles) in his first directing credit in 20 years. Maybe it's a sign for Ryan Murphy to step aside and get a little bit of well-deserved rest.

Room 9 (2021)

Room 9 (9 as for suicide attempts' number after watching it)

[1/10 · 24 July 2021]

I don't think Thomas Walton aka director-writer-producer-cinematographer had ever seen an actual movie. Like, any movie. I suppose he also traveled all across the globe to find people who have no clue what a movie is. Except for the actors. He had found a bunch of real experienced actors so he could promote the result, saying "hey, we got Laurie Strode and Jason Voorhees and that weird dude from The Hills Have Eyes, come and watch them". If you, much like me, came to see Scout Taylor-Compton, you will have to live through the worst 66 minutes in your life. And trust me, it doesn't get any better.

It might be hard to believe but there are bigger flaws in Room 9 than its editing and acting. The worst thing is the script. It feels like there were a several short films that were eventually combined into the Frankenstein's monster about people getting murdered for no reason. It's alright if you're not gonna be able to retell the plot after watching because there's no plot. And if you're willing to spend hour and a half on something useless, just read this review about 50 times or watch the paint dry. I assure you, it'll be much less painful that trying to make it through Room 9 and save your sanity.

Shhhh (2014)

Not a horror, just horrifying

[1/10 · 24 July 2021]

I'm not that type of person to stop watching the film before it ends. I'm also not the type to rate 1/10 any flick I dislike. In fact, I believe there are very, very few movies that deserve it. But Shhhh is definetely one of them, and I realized it after the first 15 minutes. There is absolutely nothing to praise. Not a single thing. Acting, writing, sound design/editing, make-up, even the opening credits, everything is hideous. I love low-budget horror films but I hate the absence of artistic interest. Shhhh is a Z movie schlock that will entertain no one.

Seance (I) (2021)

Surprisingly entertertaining

[8/10 · 21 May 2021]

Seance is a quick-witted, all-female slasher that tricks us into thinking it's nothing but another supernatural thriller. Written by Simon Barrett (You're Next, The Guest), it's also his full-lenght directorial debut, and V/H/S/'s co-creator had definitely succeed in developing a lot of thrills and a little bit of laughs.

Suki Waterhouse shines as Camille, the new student with a heavy background which she effectively uses during the climax. Marina Stephenson Kerr (Channel Zero, Cult of Chucky), a Canadian horror's hidden gem, is also worthy of mention, although her Mrs. Landry could be much more useful that the script allowed her. The original soundtrack composed by Sicker Man gives a terrific wibes and is overall a great addition to the hipnotic cinematography

The nicest thing in Seance is that its characters don't lack motivation, unlike in many and many other slashers and horror movies in general. It's a fun thrill ride that exploits genre cliches and jumps above viewers' expectations which is always a good thing to see.

Why? (I) (2021)

It's definetely nothing but 'why'

[3/10 · 6 May 2021]

Why did the guy started murdering people in that town some time ago? Why stopped? Why started again? Why now? And, finally, why, after all the spree kills, he started this dumb hide-and-seek game with the protagonist (portrayed by a so-so Allison McAtee) and wasted more than a day exclusively on her? Too many unanswered questions, too many wasted cameos (I'm really disappointed in Emma Bell, she can do much better), too wague script, too amateur execution. The most watchable part is a tent double-kill featuring a young couple that exists, like the most of the characters, only to die. "Why?" will not satisfy neither genre fans nor any other person looking for something not totally insufferable to watch.

What Lies Below (2020)

False reviews lie above

[6/10 · 10 December 2020]

"What Lies Below" is a kind of a flick that could end up being a total trash filled with so-bad-it-hurts CGI and nonsense screenplay. You know, like the most of Syfy made-for-TV creature features. But this one doesn't deserve all the rage. Yes, the dialogues are pretty basic and bland but it doesn't kill the creepy vibe going throughout the whole film length. The acting is decent - Ema Horvath is good as an estranged daughter and Mena Suvari finally stars in a horror movie that is not a garbage (although it's still hard to forgive her for "Carrie 2" and "Don't Blink").

The best part of the movie is its visuals and lore. Lovecraft-esque fear of chtonic entities, hypnotic enigmatic lights coming out of nowhere and minimalistic synth soundtrack are making "What Lies Below" a thrilling eye-candy which is pretty much enough for a one-off horror movie. It doesn't reinvent the genre or offers any real plot twist (I mean, we all know John is going to be a bad guy, and Trey Tucker's effective performance convinces us right after we see him) but definitely worth a watch for its atmosphere and its actors that probably did even better that the script could offer them.

Asian Ghost Story (2016)

Forget everything you know about acting

[2/10 · 3 September 2020]

David DeCoteau in a nutshell: a bunch of shirtless model guys and a boring not-so-model female to avoid an accusations of overly homoerotic context. Zero blood, zero thrills, zero sense, below zero acting skills. Josh Van Meurs is a new legend worthy to stand along with Neil Breen and, like, the most of 'Birdemic' cast. Cassidy Alexa shoud have finished her career with an CW's 'Arrow' deleted part as Harley Quinn's hair. Too bad she didn't. Cynthia Rothrock shoud have finished her career about 20 years ago. Too bad she also didn't. David DeCoteau... aw c'mon, this guy's unstoppable.

The only thing 'Asian Ghost Story' is good for is making a few laughs when nobody expects them. Just like the characters didn't expect to be killed off-screen by a Chinese voyeuristic dead ninja's ghost.

You're Not Alone (2020)

Utterly blank and disappointing

[3/10 · 27 August 2020]

You're Not Alone simply has no idea what it wants to be. It's a senseless mix of a family drama, supernatural thriller and even a bit of a slasher. Ultimately none of it ever achieves the climax. Occasionally good actress Katia Winter is painful to watch as a main protagonist even compared to her screen daughter portrayed by Leya Catlett. The script is plain awful in every single - did Andrew Wong ever realized he wrote a character with the single line 'Mrs. Nibbles!' that is repeated like 15 time? And the sound editing is perhaps one of the worst ones ever. Extremely cheap and bland nonsense.

Woodland (IV) (2018)

Drugs are bad, m'kay?

[4/10 · 1 August 2020]

The only good thing in this mess of a movie is its actors. Both Richard Harmon and Philip Granger were solid and believable. The rest is barely watchable, unfortunately. A poorly written script delivers a truly abhorrent lead character that is as interesting as a roach caught in a jar trap: you're annoyed by him and can't wait for him to drop dead; disappointing cinematography fails to capture a beautiful Canadian landscapes; and ludicrous CGI scares away even those who came to terms with all the above. 'Woodland' could be much better that it is. A huge waste of acting skills.

Revenge Ride (2020)

A lovely world with not a single police worker

[3/10 · 25 July 2020]

Blood Ride lasts 69 minutes, excluding the closing credits, and this is one of the longest hours I've ever had. The whole plot is ridiculous, acting is far beyong horrible (the next Razzie Award for worst supporting actress must be presented to Pollyanna McIntosh, once a promising Scottish actress from The Woman and Let Us Prey that now got desperately stuck in a girl-power pit hole that led her to direct an embarrassing Darlin'), and every single aspect, starting with amateur cinematography and finishing with unforgivably cringeworthy dialogues, falls apart on the screen just to praise the pointless gender war directed by Melanie Aitkenhead.

A freshman girl gets drugged and raped by a trio of one-dimensional hunky football players. Should she call the authorities? Should she visit a doctor that will easily find a violence marks and an elements in her blood? Hell no! This is the world where no man will ever defend her! She has to speak to her wretched older cousin that will cast a fire on the rapists along with her biker friends and will leave them with severe wounds. Should they call the authorities? Should they visit a doctor that will easily find a nasty large burn marks on their skin? Hell no! They have to take revenge for taking revenge on them. Someone gets killed. Authorities? Doctors? Family, at least? You know the answer.

This is what the film is about. This is effortless, lazy, predictable, unintriguing and simply painful to watch. This shouldn't be created in the first place. Yet, we have it. Avoid at all costs.

Blood Vessel (2019)

Surprisingly pleasant modern-day nazisploitation

[7/10 · 23 July 2020]

Australian movie industry seems to have enjoyed its involvement in a cult Finnish sci-fi satire "Iron Sky" so there's no wonder they ultimately decided to solely shoot their own 'alternate history' flick. "Blood Vessel" is a fun thrill ride fueled with nations conflict ('...and Australia? I ain't even know you people were in the war', desperately shouts Bigelow, an American cook stuck on the Nazi ship) and ancient East Europe evil (no, it's not Teplov, perhaps the finest film's character of Russian descent).

The screenplay doesn't offer much to reflect on and instead fully relies on visuals and actors. Both are indeed solid for an indie level. Nathan Phillips and Alex Cooke had some chemistry which was exteremy important when there's nothing but people talking (more often arguing, truth be told), the rest of the cast, excluding Robert Taylor's unnecessary cameo, also did their best to make their dull characters looks as alive as possible until they're dead. The aforenamed evil also lacks any signs of premise but doesn't make it a big deal when it's finally on loose. We've seen 'Nazis love occult stuff' trope for so many times that there's even no time to ask what the hell does it do here in the first place.

Summing it up, Justin Dix and Jordan Prosser had made a decent B-movie that works in its own cheap way and doesn't leave the prepared audience expecting more than "Blood Vessel" is capable to give.