betamaximum Reviews

Cutting Room! (2005)

Troma fans need apply!

[6/10 · 21 November 2006]

If you're like me, and you've seen hundreds of no-budget shot-on-video horror flicks, chances are you're fairly jaded. And rightly so. But you know what? I found a lot to like in this movie, and the odds are decent that you will too!

It's the standard slasher plot. A group of actors attend a cast party for their little horror movie. Guess what happens next?

Okay, so it's not new territory. But it is a lot more fun than the average slasher flick, never taking itself too seriously while managing to avoid mocking the genre. You've got oodles of gore (there are some really classic moments!) and a little bit of nakedness. Not to mention a couple of Troma regulars, Sir Lloyd and Trent Haaga.

But there is some roughness around the edges. The camera-work and sound often leave something to be desired. However, if you can get past that and leave your inner movie geek at the door, you're in for a treat.

Check it out. For reals.

Nowhere Land (1998)

Better than your average thriller fare

[6/10 · 20 December 2005]

I would almost be inclined to agree with the mainstream opinion of this film (that it sucks) if not for a few little things that I felt lifted it out of the muck and the mire.

Sure, it's a B-grade thriller with a less-than-inspired plot. That's fairly obvious and somewhat expected. However, what I didn't necessarily see coming were the standout performances by the two leads.

No one can play the likable everyman better than Peter Dobson, and no can play smart-and-sexy like Dina Meyer. And let me tell ya folks: together, they're dynamite. Okay, maybe that's too strong a word, but they are very good.

You put these two in a cabin in the woods, with the set-up of Meyer (an FBI agent) and Dobson (an ex-con) hiding away from the killers who want to take him out before he can testify on one of their killer buddies, and you can just sit back and watch the sparks fly.

So it's not a masterpiece. It's still very watchable, thanks in part to the good direction and cinematography. And unlike several so-called thrillers, there was a decent amount of suspense.

As it goes with anything I like, I would warn the movie snobs away from this one, but for all the B-fans, dig in.

Bits and Pieces (1985)

Perhaps the quintessential so-bad-it's-good flick...

[4/10 · 19 August 2005]

Generally, the slasher sub-genre has certain rules of logic. Sure, there's bad slasher movies, but I can usually expect them not to detour too far from the basic conventions of reality.

"Bits and Pieces" breaks the mold. The characters do and say things that are so wildly implausible, I was compelled to see what crazy stuff would happen next.

If you care, there are spoilers ahead. Okay, after a college girl loses a close friend to a deranged killer, a detective at least fifteen years her senior asks her if she wants to spend a day at the beach. That should give you some idea where we're at here. And there's more. Much more.

Now, the plot is standard. A kid was traumatized by seeing his mom get it on with some dude--plus, they dress him up in drag as punishment for being a pervert. Weird, yes? Anyway, long after the mom is dead and communicating from beyond the grave, the son is murdering young ladies and dressing them up like what mother did to him. When he misses a chance at a potential victim, the crazy man-child starts stalking her.

But it's not the plot that will keep you from hitting stop or fast forward. It's the terrible dialogue, unrealistic situations, and the actors that have to make do.

Is this a good movie? No. Is it scary? No. But it is worth watching, oh yes. If only because it is so effin' wacky. Just when you think the dialogue can't be more forced or corny, it is. Just when you think it will start making sense, it doesn't.

Like the subject line implies, this is so bad that it transcends its badness. It, in fact, reaches a new plateau of bad, which actually might be good. It's just that nutty.

Trust me, true believer. If you're looking for something that is brazenly below average in every conceivable way, and yet thoroughly watchable, this is the movie for you.

It could give "Plan 9" a run for its money.

Shadows Run Black (1984)

If you like surly cops and nekkid women...

[3/10 · 16 August 2005]

This movie radiates with star power! Kevin Costner lights up the screen! Truly, he is a wonder to behold as the suspicious boyfriend! Oh, those eyes, burning with intensity...

Okay, yeah, Costner's presence doesn't help this movie. But truth be told, nothing could. It's really the kind of movie you get when you put a bunch of people together who think they have what it takes to make a decent film, but don't.

And while you might think this is regular slasher fare, I say nay! Though this has some slasher elements (i.e. a ski-masked killer and topless college girls), it's really a hackneyed detective thriller trying to disguise itself as a true blue horror flick.

Detectives investigate as nubile young ladies are killed by a masked madman. Of course, preceding each kill sequence is a very leisurely-paced scene of the future victim getting down to her skivvies and beyond. The killings are sporadic and dull, failing to generate any kind of suspense or momentum.

But wait, there's more. See, the victims all know each other. What's the connection to the killer? What is the murderer's maniacal motive? Will you be able to wait ninety minutes to find out?

While it was compelling watching several young actresses disrobe for any and all reasons, the script, acting, cinematography, and direction were incompetent enough to make it hard to sit through.

So as a suspense film, this doesn't cut the mustard. But if you want some softcore porn, and you're too embarrassed to go up to the video store counter with the real thing, this might fit the bill.

Terror on Alcatraz (1987)

One of the better crime caper/slasher flicks...

[5/10 · 26 April 2005]

This is a weird movie. There's really two plots here, and equal attention is paid to both. It's a little jarring, and they don't really gel, but I give the benefit of the doubt to any genre-defying feature.

On the one hand, it's a slasher flick. You got your dumb teenagers going somewhere they're not supposed to, only to be dispatched by a madman stalking the grounds.

On the other, it's a crime caper. Frank Morris, an aging escapee of Alcatraz, has to go back to the tourist attracting prison to score some clues to help him get his hands on the hidden treasure left behind in Frisco by his fellow inmates. And he won't let anything stand in his way, including the aforementioned dumb teenagers. If you think about it too much, it makes no sense. So don't.

It vacillates back and forth between these overdone devices. While I give the writer some props for focusing on character and dialogue, he really should have picked up a screen writing book before penning this murky mess. Concepts like "Pay-off" and "Show, don't tell" are thrown to the wind so we can get from point A to point B in ninety minutes. Everything that happens is so arbitrary, it develops a forward motion problem pretty early on.

And unfortunately, the director doesn't help the situation. The pacing is pretty slow all the way through, and it just drops dead in the third act, where everything that happened before melts away and it almost turns into another movie.

Yes, it's got its problems. Like lots of them. Still, I was entertained. Aldo Ray is great, the location is beautiful, and the characters are interesting and keep things moving. As long as you don't think about it too much, it's a fun little movie.

Just shut your brain off and enjoy.

Shallow Ground (2004)

Finally!

[7/10 · 28 March 2005]

Now this is what I'm looking for in a horror movie! Lots of gore and disturbing visuals, but also a smart plot that doesn't insult the intelligence of the audience. And boobies.

I wholeheartedly recommend this to any horror fan. It's been awhile since I haven't been at least a little disappointed by an American horror film, and I'm proud to say this one puts US horror back on the map.

I won't even go into the details of the plot. Half the fun of the movie is trying to figure out what's going on. But to give you a teaser: people are missing in a small town, and the local cops may have an answer to the disappearances when a boy covered in blood shows up.

A uniquely awesome script is complimented by the great direction and excellent cinematography. And that acting ain't too bad either. All around, it's just a sweet movie.

If you're like me, a horror fan that has been burnt countless times by mediocre flicks, please watch this movie.

The Best of Sex and Violence (1982)

I Love the 70s

[6/10 · 13 March 2005]

With "The Best of Sex and Violence," tons of awesome cinema is distilled, in trailer form, for your viewing pleasure. Presented here are some of the best bits from some of the coolest exploitation movies, from the greatest exploitation era: the 70s.

And what's more, you get stuff from both ends of the exploitation spectrum: erotica and violence. Alice in Wonderland (the adult one), Emmanuelle Around the World, Tanya's Island, Zombie, I Spit On Your Grave, Terminal Island, Dolemite, Disco Godfather...and more still!

Seriously, this is good stuff. In my opinion, the 70s were the best time for these kinds of movies. You didn't have to be PC; you could have as much nudity and gore and bank-robbing dogs (you gotta watch the video) as you wanted.

And these trailers really are fun to watch. The diologue is hilarious, the plots are outrageous, and the visuals are always in-your-face. Not to mention John Carradine's super-bad one-liners that he deadpans in-between the trailers.

It might be hard to find, but trust me, it's worth it.

Skinned Deep (2004)

Not Quite Troma

[5/10 · 7 March 2005]

This wants so bad to be a cult movie, it hurts. And it's painful. On a very physical level. Because that is something I've never agreed with: weird for the sake of weird.

But "Skinned Deep" has another side to it, something I completely agree with, and love. It's a horror fan's horror movie.

The homages are fast and furious. The TCM reference is obvious. I won't even go there. More subtle, but just as strong, is the Henenlotter influence (who is even thanked in the credits). If you know the "Basket Case" flicks, you'll see it. And it is just one of many horror in-jokes.

And that's cool. That's way cool. But that alone won't keep a movie afloat. As a horror fan (which means I've been burned about a million times), I need something more. Character, scares, laughs, gore.

Well, it's got the gore. No problem there. But when it comes to building characters I can root for (either in the heroine or the villains), it falls kinda flat.

Okay, I'm getting ahead of myself. The plot, which you may have seen before, goes like this: a family breaks down in the back country and turns to the locals for refuge. But the locals are a crazy family of demented killers. There you go.

So I liked it. It was cool. Lots of crazy visuals and wacky ideas. Still, that's really all it is. If you're looking for substance, and not just a heapin' helping of weirdness, you're out of luck.

But if you're content to see a funky horror flick that doesn't try too hard, this one fits the bill.

Survival Run (1979)

Action and Teenagers in the 80s = Awesome Combo!

[6/10 · 7 March 2005]

"Survival Run" has all the elements of a whimsical teen flick: likable young characters get out on their own by taking a road trip, only to be faced with a tough situation that they must overcome as friends.

But wait, this ain't no regular teenybopper fare. Enter Peter Graves and Ray Milland, two cantankerous old dudes doing some kind of shady deal out in the desert--not far from where our heroes have lost their van in an offroad accident.

Well, push comes to shove. Stuff happens. Gunplay ensues. Will the kids be able to kill the killer old guys?

You've gotta watch it to find out.

Now, I did enjoy it. But I like these kinds of movies. And I can easily see how someone might not enjoy it. So you've got to judge this one for yourself. If you have low standards and are pre-disposed to liking stupid 80s action/teen movies, I am positively sure you will not completely hate "Survival Run."

But if you're a movie snob...stay away from this at all costs. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Raptor (2001 Video)

They're like Muppets, but not...

[5/10 · 4 March 2005]

Play the Corman Drinking Game! Every time you SEE a shot lifted from another movie, TAKE a shot. I assure you, you will be thoroughly wasted by the time the credits roll.

Now, I'm used to the Concorde phenomenon of splicing in scenes from their other flicks to save a buck or two. But "Raptor" takes it over the border of suspended disbelief. Actors and vehicles change between shots, almost to the point where I couldn't enjoy the movie.

Almost.

This flick suffers a lot at the hands of various factors, one of which is mentioned above. But it is saved, just barely, by exceptional cinematography, good acting, and two bangin' hotties.

Eric Roberts plays a small town sheriff faced with a rash of bizarre mutilations. Could they be the work of a crazy cougar? An escaped felon bent on revenge? Nope! It's the Carnosaurs (They're baaaaaaack...). And it's up to Roberts and Animal Control agent Melissa Brasselle to stop the scene-chewing Corbin Bernsen and his merry band of flesh-eating critters.

What you might think would be a straight-forward creature flick actually tries to infuse some plot into the proceedings, which keeps you interested between the dino slayings.

Sure, it's nothing to write home about, but if you're killing time on a rainy day, you could do worse.