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The Final Sacrifice (1990)
The Final Rowsdower
As a native Floridian, I have a love-hate relationship with Canada. On the one hand, they do spend a lot of time in Florida, adding to the local economy. They go to the tourist traps, and the beaches and all of that. On the flip side, though, they don't know how to drive very well, and they are well known by the locals as being lousy tippers. The Final Sacrifice is yet another notch in the shame column for Canada. This awful, awful movie, filmed in Maple-vision, follows the story of a kid who goes on a lame quest to find some lost city, and its also the powerful story of a man named Zap Rowsdower.
Our brilliant Canadian import begins with a shot of a guy running through the snow in the woods somewhere. He is being pursued by what seems to be the Canadian answer to Mexican wrestlers. A man in a red mask holds a rifle, and is with another man, who tries to be creepy, but just looks like an idiot. A few moments later, Red Mask shoots at something, presumably the guy running for his life. You're not quite sure about this, though, since you never see anyone actually get shot. It really doesn't pay to run through a Canadian forest during hunting season. We cut to the opening credits, which has some of the most annoying, banal music ever shown on the big screen.(Sounds like video poker music.) If you can survive the credit sequence, then the real fun begins, as we are introduced to Troy, a teenager who has the popular Gilligan fashion sense. We see him at a cemetery, and we figure that he's visiting the man who got shot in the opener. We somehow deduce its his father, and then we cut to Troy in the attic, rummaging around a moldy trunk. He finds a poorly drawn map, and goes downstairs to try to figure it out. Later that afternoon or something, he has a talk with his grandma about his father, and being compared unfavorably to him, he falls asleep. Sometime later, he wakes up, and watches his house get cut to pieces by the Canadian wrestlers, who are now carrying chainsaws. After a narrow escape from the house on a ten-speed, he continues to be chased by the wrestlers, who are actually supposed to be cultists. Troy is able to ditch the bike, and throws himself in the back of a pickup truck, getting away for the moment. We see the truck go about four miles or so, and eventually the driver stops and gets out. He sees Troy, and invites him up front, giving him an almost worthless jacket. The truck breaks down( a recurring theme in the movie) and they light the carburetor on fire again to get it going. As they take off, the man introduces himself to Troy, calling himself Zap(?) Rowsdower(?!?)....(yeah, well I'm Bill Stinkwater!)
They drive out of the woods, and find the only Texaco station in western Canada, where Rowsdower tries to turn the kid into the Mounties. Before he's able to, though, the wrestling cult returns, and starts chasing the truck. Rowsdower pulls a Troy maneuver, and is barely able to hop in the back of the truck. This time, the wrestlers are armed with an M-16, and thus are no match for Rowsdower and his crates of empty beer bottles. Safe again, they begin to follow the map, and they stumble on to a very obvious network of tunnels. They go to explore, and Troy wiggles his way into a secret place, leaving Rowsdower to get captured. Troy finds his fathers book of mixed drinks recipes, and goes to leave. Meanwhile, we meet the creepy idiot(Satoris) from the first scene. He taunts Rowsdower, and, in a typical bad movie plot move, outsources the killing to the wrestlers. Of course, this gives a chance for Rowsdower to escape(after he gets hit by a truck!!), and he and Troy eventually meet up, with the cultists in hot pursuit. They make it to a cabin, and hide out there until the wrestlers pass them by. As they come out, they meet the cabins owner, who sounds like Yosemite Sam, and just happens to be Troy's late fathers archaeological partner. After a lame backstory, we get to see Rowsdower have a flashback dream sequence, in which he is initiated into the wrestlers cult and branded. Rowsdower wakes up, finds Troy gone, and figures hes been recruited to go wrestle in Calgary. So Zap(!) goes off to rescues him, and eventually has a showdown with Satoris, which he loses. However, just before Zap gets zapped, Troy cuts his bonds, and shoots Satoris in the butt. The Canadian world saved, they watch as the lost city they've been searching for flees Canada, and then they drive off and live Canadianly ever after. To wit: this movie tells you all you need to know about Canadian cults, and should be viewed with as many ehs? as you can muster. I give it a big 1 out of 10, while the MST3K episode get 9 of 10. Rowsdower ahoy!!!!!
Riding with Death (1976)
Riding...with slight abrasions
The 70s were a unique time in American history. On the plus side, you have Star Wars, and some really fine rock and roll. On the minus side were the gas crisis, and Riding with Death. This movie, which is, of course, two BAD episodes of the failed Gemini Man TV series, was quickly packaged and sent to theaters in an attempt to recoup some money from this series. We are introduced to Sam Murphy...or is it Ben Casey? Either way, same result: a cheesy 70s era actor trying to be something hes not. Ben Murphy works for Intersect, a sort of poor mans spy network. Murphy has a special power...the power to turn invisible for short periods of time, as a result of some sort of accident. We get to see Ben in action early in the film, as he takes on two men who try to jump a doctor in the Intersect parking lot. We learn in the next scene that these men are trying to steal the formula of a gas additive.
A brilliant plan is hatched, where Ben Murphy is tapped by William Sylvester(of Devil Doll and 2001 fame) to drive Dr. Hale(a Captain Stubbing lookalike) in a moving truck complete with bolt-hole about 35 miles or so to....somewhere. And the next day, the mission begins, slightly ahead of schedule. Murphys partner in crime, Abby Lawrence, arrives a few minutes after they leave, and finds out that the fuel additive is unstable by blowing up her Kleenex. She tries to report this, but is captured by some other 70s men, and put in a laundry bag. Dr. Hale tells Murphy to stop at another lab to pick up something indispensable, and laundry bags are taken in and out of the truck. And, what do you know, Dr. Hale and Abby have switched places, with Abby locked in the truck vault with the unstable highly explosive additive. After some attempted sabotage, and way too many scenes with the cracker Jim Stafford, Murphy finally figures out that hes been duped, which probably happens to him at least 30 times a day.
Well, using his awesome invisible powers, Murphy gets the drop on Dr. Hale, and is rewarded by being told that he's elusive as Robert Denby, a name that means absolutely nothing up to this point. In an extremely violent cut, we are thrown into the second part of this movie, which revolves around Bob Denby blowing up things. The jet plane I can understand, but his own race car??!? It boggles the mind. Anyway, Murphy is reunited with the cracker Stafford, who sings way too much in this portion of the film. Suffice to say, Ben Murphy wins the C-class race, and is able to get the car far enough away from the filmmakers to avoid blowing them up, which is our collective loss. Riding with Death will leave you on the edge of your seat, especially if you really have to use the bathroom. I give this fine television episode...I mean movie a big 1 out of 10. MST3K episode: 9 of 10
Night Train to Mundo Fine (1966)
Lead Zone Cuba
This movie, as with all of Coleman Francis' movies, raises some important life questions. Such as, "How could humanity stand by and let this movie be inflicted upon an innocent world?" Or, "Coleman Francis: War Criminal, or Gross Idiot?" We begin our exercise in futility by opening our movie with John Carradine, who is roughly the age of an Egyptian mummy in this film. He plays the pivotal role of a train engineer, who is interviewed by a reporter from Watchtower. After a smattering of dialogue, we learn that he was conducting the train during the fateful night that desperadoes hopped the train. (He ran all the way.....to hell!)
After this bombshell, the audience is treated to the wonderful audio stylings of Mr. Carradine as he sings very badly through the opening credits. Finally, we are introduced to Griffin, a fat convicted loser who has somehow escaped from wherever they keep people like him (the zoo maybe?) Anyway, he is able to get away from the mini posse that is searching for him by throwing himself into a back of a pickup truck, driven by the other two "stars".....named Landis and Cook. Sometime later, after a frustrating series of cuts, we see Griffin introduce himself to these two bums. He points a pistol at them, and they give him coffee and beans, which he promptly makes a mess of himself with. A cop pulls up(how do we know hes a cop?...well....hes not in a patrol car, but he wears a cowboy hat!) and questions the two hobos about Griffin. After a $5000 chance to give him up, the cop is sent on his way. Soon, we go meet Cherokee Jack, who provides inspiration to all want to be pilots with IQs under 30. They trade their truck to fly to some sort of military base where the Army is recruiting dumb moronic men to fight in Cuba. Here we are introduced to Chastain...the idealistic fool of the movie. After an intense training regimen(Jumping off four foot cliffs and climbing ropes badly.), our heroes are ready to take Cuba. So, they take a five min boat ride from Long Beach, CA to Cuba, and land on a sunny night.
The three stooges promptly get captured by a Cuban using the outhouse, and they are lead to some sort of metal structure. After a few hours, Chastain is captured, and brought in as well, wounded in the leg. Dr Griffin, Medicine Loser, determines Chastain has gangrene, and will die. At this point, the movie begins to get worse. The three morons hatch an amazingly juvenile escape plan, which involves these famous words: "Water! Thirsty! Sick man!" Griffin, being the action hero he is, is able to snap the guards neck, and they make it to Havana International Airstrip, where they are instantly transported to a place called Sleepy Valley
In Sleepy Valley, we meet a creepy man who likes to paint his menu on the outside of his house and restaurant. After some more coffee, Griffin and Landis throw the creepy guy down a well, and Griffin goes to do bad things to his blind daughter. This touching exchange ended, they steal a car, then abandon it moments later to take a train.....to get another car. Mission accomplished, they end up at Chastain's widows house, where they sucker her into splitting half of her pitch blend(??) mine with them. Unfortunately, they have the dime dropped on them, and get caught before they're able to make it. Chastain arrives, with a Nobel prize for having discovered the cure for gangrene in a dirty Cuban warehouse. Griffin runs away, and is shot and killed moments later by a helicopter. This movie is not for everyone.....okay..its really not for anyone at all. I give it a generous 1 out of 10 MST3K Episode: 9 of 10
The Wild World of Batwoman (1966)
The Mild World of Batwoman
Another gem of a movie brought to light by the efforts of Best Brains Inc, this is quite possibly the inspiration for Batman and Robin. Well, maybe not quite, but this movie is certainly a lame turkey. We start the movie out with a sort of Batgirl induction ceremony, wherein "synthetic" blood is drank to bind the girl to Batwoman. Add a hip hi tech gadget (Dick Tracys wrist radio), a masterfully named villain (Rat Fink), a convoluted plot about an atomic(???) hearing aid, and what we have here is a complete waste of time. There really is no action to speak of, and Batwomans super power is that she is able to open unlocked doors. Three scenes to watch for:
#1- Near the beginning of the film, two men are robbing a third man in an alley. While this is going on, two Batgirls are hiding behind some boxes or something, reporting what they see happening, and making NO attempt to help the victim of this mugging. Note the expression that the Batgirl on the right has throughout this scene. Priceless!!
#2- During some sort of séance that the Batwoman holds, she channels the spirit of an Oriental man. The attempt to vocalize Chinese is unbelievably racist, and should be totally banned from viewing.
#3- Near the end, during the "climactic" showdown between Batwoman and Rat Fink, the dastardly villain somehow clones himself and we are treated to Rat Fink times 5 and Batgirls jogging lightly around the room, in a lame attempt to catch each other. This makes absolutely no sense at all, which allows this scene to fit in seamlessly with the rest of the film.
So, if you're looking for action, you should definitely watch Kramer vs Kramer, or perhaps Crossroads, both of which offer more thrills and action than this steaming pile. I give it 1 out of 10. MST3K episode: 8 of 10.
Future War (1997)
Future........Wax!....(err War, I Mean War)
Perhaps one of the best MST3K episodes ever made, which automatically means its a bad movie. Just how bad? Considering the fact that its the only movie I know that has a damage control unit (see movie trivia), that kind of speaks for itself. Daniel Burnhardt plays Runaway, something most viewers will want to do upon seeing the opening credits. He is apparently, some sort of alien slave that escapes his captors, steals a snow monkey and flies it to Earth,(what his people consider Heaven). His masters aren't too pleased about this, and soon come after him with small plastic dinosaurs and Alan Jackson. After some stuff happens with cardboard boxes, Runaway defeats Alan Jackson, and promptly gets hit by a prostitute who is trying to become a nun.
Well, the nun takes Runaway to a halfway house that looks like its being used by cast members of The Biggest Loser, and tries to figure out who he is.(I live in your air vent!) Then, some more plastic dinosaurs attack, and Runaway and Nun get on a train that goes nowhere. Eventually, the puffy hat police pick them up, and they are brought to a warehouse under attack. This of course is being covered live by CNN (Cardboard News Network) Well..after some more stuff, Runaway gets arrested and taken to jail, where he is prone to flashbacks. Federal agents arrive, and start to question Runaway about various plastic dinosaur related things. While this is happening, Maniac Cop(Robert Z' "Chin" Dar) shows up and starts blowing away cops. After some more stuff, Runaway escapes and teams up with Nun/Whore, who has used her extensive underworld connections to put together a somewhat fearsome Grunge Rock Band. Armed with a mike stand and a french resistance fighter, they make their way into the strangely boarded up lair of the plastic dinosaurs. Through an extremely elaborate plan, they are able to dispatch said dinosaurs, and make the world safe. Or do they? At the nun swearing in ceremony (or whatever it is they're doing) in a strip plaza type church, Runaway looks on as the Nun is about to take her vows. Suddenly, Z'Dar bursts through the window, and, in one of the most breathtaking and accurate fight scenes ever captured on any video medium, Runaway is able to defeat the Cyborg(Z' Dar) and finally realize his lifelong dream of becoming a counselor for.......you guessed it, runaways! All in all, its hard to believe this movie was made in the mid 90s and if you're not with the SOL crew during this film, you might want to consider getting professional help from a mental health expert. 1 out of 10 MST3K: 10 of 10