loufalce Reviews

Divers at Work on the Wreck of the 'Maine' (1898)

Interesting Curio

[8/10 · 29 July 2023]

Georges Melies, the magician turned pioneering filmmaker envisioned how a salvage operation on the USS Maine, sunk in Havanna harbor would look. This very old ,very short film from 1898 takes a fanciful look at what the divers might have encountered. Painted set of the wreck was filmed in front of a large glass tank with fishes swimming about give it a sort of real look even though the film has a very stylized, almost dream like quality to it. From what I understand, the first and last parts of it are missing, so only this this middle part survives. Maybe someday they'll turn up. Karel Zeman, the Czech animator-director of fantasy films was obviously inspired by the underwater scenes when he made 'The Fabulous World of Jules Verne' A. K. A 'Vynalez Zkazy' (1958).

Oppenheimer (I) (2023)

Better Bring some Uppers

[1/10 · 22 July 2023]

Nolan's long awaited Oppenheimer is here , and to put it frankly, it 's a bomb. This is a cash grab, Oscar bait and (maybe) a tentpole rolled into one. Murphy s decent in the title role and some of the cinematography is good, but it will be hard to stay awake through most of it. Long, dull and pointless sequences go on for just too long. When the next sequence comes, you probably will have forgotten the previous one. And on, and on and on it goes for three l-o-n-g hours. About the best aspect that is touched upon is the guilt he feels after his creation is used. Also then time period of the 40s to 50s is presented in a matter of fact, non nostalgic fashion and Blunt is fairly decent as his wife. Kenneth Branagh has some decent scenes impersonating Nils Bohr However,Matt Damon seems ill at ease in his role. Now back to the review. Even though Oppenheimer probably had no idea of the Pandora's box he would be opening, it must be remembered that at least a million or more Japanese and American lives would have been lost if America was to invade Japan. It also touches on his personal life and his run-ins with the State Department when it is revealed his wife is a communist. Now don't get me wrong. I'm a history buff and a movie fan and I have no problem with long historical film biographies like 'Lawrence of Arabia', 'Gandhi' and 'Patton'. These were gripping, well made, exceptionally well acted films by master directors. Unfortunately in this era of diminished expectations about the entire movie going experience. Director Nolan is still very wet behind the ears and still has a lot to learn before he can even consider making a film of that magnitude Most likely this film will appear to techno geeks and algebra nerds, but you want a real feature about Oppenheimer, you'll be better off renting good documentary on the subject. Though its not as junk movie like 'The Dial of Destiny', at best it's an interesting misfire and a waste of three hours. Another PU movie review from Lou in a miserable movie summer.

Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny (2023)

Dismal, Dreary. Depressing Downer

[1/10 · 30 June 2023]

I'll save you the time. Disney defiles everything they touch, and this is the prime example. This junk movie is exactly the mess you were expecting. The critics have spoken, and they re right. You can almost feel sorry for this mess if it were not for Phoebe Waller Bridge, possibly one of the most annoying actresses today. She tries to upstage Ford with practically ever line she utters, and she is just plain obnoxious in a very patronizing way like your left wing, trust fund cousin (fill in her name) that you can't stand. 80 year old Ford himself doesn't fare much better a a broken, boozy Indiana in his twilight years. His CGI 'de ageing' scenes early in the film have a very disturbing creepiness about them. This film was in development hell for three years and it shows. I also heard there were several reshoots too. Story has something to do with an ancient device that may offer some clues for time travel. The Nazis get hold of it and after the war, they are recruited by the US space program. All the action is predictable, the set pieces are rendered in terrible CGI, there is a horseride through a NY subway, and a rather uninspired minicab chase that seems to mirror the truck race in 'Raiders'. And to make matters worse, most of the film has a dark , gloomy color (pallor?) to it. It all looks very cheap even if it cost 300 million dollar to make. And at 2 and a half hours, its about 45 minutes longer than it should be. There is no sense of fun, joy, or excitement that made he first three installment the only ones worth watching And if Sallah can't make you smile,you know it will be a ride not worth taking. A cash grab and very undignified funeral, eulogy and burial of fine series. Speilberg, Mangold, and Lucas,shame on you! This one was so bad, it made me change my 2008 1 star rating of 'The Crystal Skull' to 4 stars. Another 'number two' P. U. movie review from Lou.

Avatar: The Way of Water (2022)

Abyss-Mal

[1/10 · 18 December 2022]

After waiting 13 years, James (Titanic) Cameron takes you back to Pandora in the ineviatable sequel, I'll cut to he chase. Sully has married a Na'vi and fathered a family. When their forest world is threatened, they must move to the ocean world and try to survive, but...... There is not one fresh idea in this purple,yellow, green and blue flourescent world. The story element is derived from films like 'Last of the Mohegans', 'Waterworld','Dances with Wolves', Finding Nemo', 'Moana' ' How to Train Your Dragon' "Fern Gully' and 'Fee Willy'. The CGI and 'motion capture' FX are state of the art even if the lurid colors look like a child's first grade Dayglow painting. There are also some 'new age' platitudes and plenty of environmental babble to placate the leftist global warning cultists. The character development is, well 'surely you cant be serious' the action moves like a snail stuck on a wad of chewing gum, and the violence is, well violent. The underwater sequences obviously cost a fortune to film but even they look flat and listless. There is no sense of humor , not even any good one liners. The only scenes that have some merit are the waterborne military vehicles pictured in an ominous gray. In essence ,its a standard 90 minute action film without much action stretched into a 3 hour plus ass and bladder buster .Its like being on the Disney 'Na'Vi River Adventure ride for an eternity. You'll be satisfied in half an hour if you can contend with the excess. A truly mediocre movie designed for non discriminating multiplex morons and franchise film freaks. Another P. U .movie review from Lou. Happy Holidays and wishing you BETTER film going in 2023.

The Suicide Squad (2021)

I must be a masochist

[1/10 · 10 August 2021]

Why, why, why do I even waste my time by watching such drivel. It's REALLY true. Every movie looks the same these days. Find something better to do. Reading a book is the first thing that springs to mind. Don't let your gray matter atrophy and go to waste!

Black Widow (2021)

Baaaaaaaaaaaaad

[1/10 · 30 July 2021]

Title of my review says it all. A complete waste of time, talent,and celluloid. Enough of these comic book 'movies' already! If you've seen one,..............

The Crimson Pirate (1952)

THE Pirate Movie

[10/10 · 30 July 2021]

Top notch blend of pirate action and laughs as Lancaster and mute sidekick Cravat doublecross and in general make fools out of the Spanish rulers on a Carribean island in the late 18th century. Lancaster in top athletic form as he swings from a ships mast, jumps from roof to roof, does somersaults and handles his sword and rigging blocks like a dream. Beautiful color production, lush atmosphere,and authentic looking full size ships. Add a revolution,an eccentric scientist, liquid explosives, flame throwers, a hot air balloon, and a miniature submarine to the procedings and you got a movie thats hard to beat on any level .Film doesn't take itself too seriously because it contains the very element that makes a pirate movie a pirate movie-a sense of fun! So sit back, relax, grab some munchies,gather the family and be prepared to be entertained. Many years ago when it played on the 'Million Dollar Movie' two times a day for an entire week (in the NY area) my father, younger brother and I probably watched it six or seven times. Fifty five years later, it still holds up! IMHO, the best pirate movie ever made. It defines fun.

Jungle Cruise (2021)

"African Queen' meets 'Raiders of the Lost Ark'

[3/10 · 29 July 2021]

CGI heavy adventure has Dwayne Johnson as the captain of a delapidated river launch ferrying Emily Blunt up the Amazon to look for the 'Tree of Life' that allegedly has mysterious healing powers. Guess what? The Germans want it too. There you go, I just saved you the price of a movie tickets and/or your streaming service bill. For kids or undemanding short attention span viewers only.

Tenet (2020)

It's A Joke, Right?

[1/10 · 7 September 2020]

Back to the future to save the past, or back to the past to save the future?? Without a doubt. this is the most uncomprehensible movie I've ever seen. No acting, toilet paper thin characters, too much CGI (what else is new) and a Hans Zimmer score that is so lt practically drowns out what the characters are trying to say. Only two action pieces that you'll forget as soon as you leave the multiplex, and they only seem like fillers to move along the story somewhat. If you thought 'Dunkirk' was awful, it almost seems like David Lean next to this mess. Call this a 'social distancing' movie. Just socially distance yourself FAR away from this fiasco. Not worth wearing a face mask for two and a half hours. Yet another P.U. review from Lou.

Downton Abbey (2019)

Snootsville Abbey

[1/10 · 23 September 2019]

The snooty British TV show made into a snooty movie. This one seems like it was re-edited into a feature lenght film from scenes that were left on the cutting room floor. If you ever watched the TV show, you know exactly what to expect. Same characters, same situations, and the same era. Edwardian British cultural elitism and snobbery at it's finest, Predictable and sleep inducing. Yaaaaaaawn. Another P.U. movie review from Lou.

Once Upon a Time... in Hollywood (2019)

Garbage

[1/10 · 27 July 2019]

Just another piece of raw sewage from the most over-rated 'director' of all time.If you've ever seen any of his films, you know exactly what to expect.A boredom inducing snoozefest with no real story as a has been TV Western star and his stuntman double drive around in a '66 Cadillac through a changing, decaying Hollywood, ca. 1969. This is the result of a former video store clerk turned director given a free reign to do whatever he wants., and the powers that be who allowed him to indulge himself in his sick, demented fantasies.About the ONLY good thing I can say about is that it's not another brain-dead superhero movie, or part of another never ending franchise.Naturally, the critics are fawning all over it. Don't you make the same mistake! Another P.U. movie review from Lou. Stay tuned........

Bumblebee (I) (2018)

Dumble Bee

[1/10 · 23 December 2018]

My God, where do I even begin? Utterly ridiculous garbage about an 18 year old girl who 'adopts' a beat up VW Beetle, and more Transformer mayhem and nonsense.The story is non-existant, the 'acting is atrocious, the CGI effects are below average-even for CGI.Title vehicle turns into a 'Transformer', and that's all you need to know. Another obvious cash grab that only sets up the audience to buy more of those toys. Not only was this film abysmal,it WILL insult the intelligence of anybody with an IQ of over 50. And I'm sure that every middle aged woman who drives a VW 'beetle' will but a Bumblebee sticker somewhere on their car . A word to the wise is sufficent.' so STAY AWAY. Yet another PU movie review from Lou, and I'm positive there will be a LOT more in 2019. Stay tuned.

Mary Poppins Returns (2018)

Less than Magical

[1/10 · 19 December 2018]

After 54 years, the magical nanny returns in a movie that is so devoid of any of the elements of the original, that it should serve as a template on how NOT to make a sequel. To be perfectly 'blunt' about it, Emily Blunt almost succedes at bringing the new Poppins up to Julie Andrews quality. She almost comes close, but it is obvious that she is trying TOO hard in the title role,and even though she gives it her best, she never emerge from Julie Andrew's shadow. Lyn Manuel Miranda of 'Hamilton' fame is pleasant enough, as Jack the lamplighter,but he has no screen presence, and his Cockney accent is even worse than Dick Van Dykes. 25 years later the son of Mr Banks find out that his beloved house will be foreclosed,and his wife has also died, a 'dead parent theme that is too prevalent in Disney films. His sister, also following in mom's footsteps has become a socialist advocate for the working class laborers. While his son is out flying a kite, who should ' appear from out of he sky? None other than Mary Poppins herself and her talking umbrella. After ingratiating herself into the family, we're of on some typical Poppins adventures.We go through the magic vase to the lamplighter's show, go into the bathtub for an overlong romp ln an animated sequence that looks like an outtake from 'The Little Mermaid', and take a ride on an animated horse carriage, and, yes, see the dancing penguins again. Later, we are introduced to Topsy [Meryl Streep} in her upside down repair shop and hear her sing -i's awful-and the crazy neighborhood dementoid Captain Boom with the cannon and ship like structure on his roof. Two characters who probably escaped from the Bedlam looney bin. There are songs, but none will stick in your head like the original Sherman Brothers tunes.You'll forget them about an hour after you leave the multiplex. While I'm not a fan of the original, I must admit t outshines 'Returns' on every level.There is no heart, soul, or anything of substance. It can almost be called a'Poppins Tribute'., like cover bands that play other people's music. This films feels like it was designed to evoke nostalgia to the now mostly ,middle aged women who say it back in'64. If they want to drag their children or grandchildren to see it, like my mother did, way back when,but they will be bored out of their gourds,and reach for their smartphones within ten minutes. For once, I'm with the kids on that. Film really isn't dull, it's just overlong, and the fantasy and music numbers just go on forever. Film itself is fairly good looking, and the 'Slump' of Depression era London has some grit to it, all in beautiful CGI.And don't miss Van Dvkes cameo as a dancing banker.At age 92, why even bother, but I guess they had to have some connection with the first one. As long as Disney turns out misguided sequels that nobody asked for, and keeps remaking their cartoons as live action features, they'll just squander their once good name, and cheapen their brand. The magics gone. Another P.U. movie review from Lou.

Ocean's Eight (2018)

Lesson Not Learned

[1/10 · 8 June 2018]

The return of the all female Ghostbusters., this time in an inept 'empowermet' caper of eight woman criminals attempting to pull of a robbery at the 'Met Gala'.Has more in common with the original 1960 Sinatra-Ratpack film than the other three, but that is not saying too much. The women primp, preen, ad try to look good as eye candy in a comedy that has no laughs, or a thriller that offers no thrills. You can pretty much dial it in in a film that is predictable from start to finish. Only James Corden offers some laughs-though not too many as a detective investigating the case. I don't really want to get on a rant, but making a film for the sake of making a movie about women criminals to appease the 'me too' and 'empowerment' crowd is just an excuse to further exploit those who are calling for more 'fem-centric' movies . I can understand if the film was attempting to tackle real social issues, but all it is is fluff, kind of like an extended TMZ story. A total waste of time and talent, especially from Bulloch, and Hathaway who have had better roles. Do yourself a favor. If you really must see it, wait about three weeks until it is available at Redbox! Another P.U. movie review from Lou.

The Post (2017)

Fake News

[2/10 · 10 January 2018]

Very sub-par Speilberg. In an obvious attempt to bash Trump vis-a vis the Pentagon Papers and Watergate, this propaganda piece plays like 'The Lou Grant Show' meets 'Spotlight'. Hanks fails to bring any life to his character, and Streep plays the now trendy 'empowered'woman who owns the paper. Since most of America , except for millennials knows the story, there are no surprises here. While the film does make a case for freedom of the press, massive liberties and too many fictional characters sidetrack it to practically an afterthought. The film does manage to capture the look of the early 70s with period accurate cars and clothing, but maybe this distraction will not hide the fact that this is just an average movie that plays more like a made for TV film of the '70s. See it if you will,but don't expect too much. Amazing how Speilberg, the man who once made 'real'movies like 'Jaws', 'Close Encounters', 'Raiders of the Lost Ark',and *Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade' can slip into mediocrity with a film like this. A money grab and Oscar bait rolled into one. Another PU movie review from Lou.

Vikings (2013–2020)

A Medieval "Godfather"

[9/10 · 17 March 2013]

Maybe it isn't real 100 percent history. Some liberties were taken, but for the most part is seems to ring true.At times it almost seems like a contemporary crime drama, but the facts are there-the raids on British monastaries that did occur in the late 8th century, a fairly realistic depiction on what Norse life was probably like at this timeline, the spectacular countryside with its majestic forests and rivers, and the depictions of the Vikings themselves. Savage, eager to loot and plunder, but nevertheless bound by a sort of code of honor. Their acts are savage and the chieftan seems more like a medieval Godfather who uses his power for his own personal gain and who is not above killing somebody on the spot if he is displeased with his actions. The storyline is fairly literate and not the usual mindless adventure that too many of these movies present to us, and the characters are convincingly drawn and likely motivated. The music is good and the full size replicas of the ships are very accurate. Even the deliberate pace works to its advantage, we are never rushed and the story develops as it moves along. It is never dull and there is plenty of interest to engage the viewer. However, if you are put off by graphic violence , don't watch it. Those times were fairly brutal. Fine entertainment . Enjoy it.

The Hunger Games (2012)

The Running Girl

[1/10 · 21 March 2012]

Yet another epic set in a very dystopian not too distant future. A bankrupt,hungry, dysfunctional and soulless North American country called Panem stages a fight to the death epic featuring teenagers from ages 12 to 18 from the 12 Districts to compete. They train all their lives-sort of like former East German Olympians -for this event where they have to face explosions, fires, being shot at and attacks from rabid wild dogs among other things all filmed on a jerky nausea inducing hand held camera. A backwoods teen with the unlikely name of Katniss Everdeen replaces her sister who was "chosen" to compete, and therefore she must train to prepare for the games. Highly deriverative film "borrows" elements from "The Most Dangerous Game", "Lord of the Flies", "Rollerball" ", "Battle Royal" and last but not least "The Runing Man The games themself are a cross between "Gladiator" , "Fear Factor"and "Survivor", and are quite graphc as teen after teen is eliminated while a zombie like population is forced to watch. The set up takes about half the film's lenght to get there, and once the games begin, the violence starts. Film totally misses the mark because it takes itself way, way to seriously. It would have worked a lot better if it was made as a black comedy or a satire on the so called "reality shows" the author Suzanne Collins obviously based these books on, but no attempt is made to correlate the two. Jennifer Lawrence and the mostly no name cast is good, but they don't do very much other than act grim and self determined to succeed at their tasks. As I have already said ,what this film desperately needs is a tongue in cheek sense of humor to help the story move and lighten things up a bit, but the fimmakers totally blew it. I'm sure the 'tween age girl target audience this film is aimed at probably doesn't remember "The Running Man" with Schwarzenneger where condemned criminals had to compete on a game show to fight for their lives. What made that film work was the dead -on satire , a keen sense of humor, the brilliant and hilarious one liners and the utterly improbable scenario that the audience "got" not too long after the film started. This one uses the same premise, but makes very poor use of it. I'm sure it will do good at the box office with all the hype its been getting, but you will definitely leave the multiplex feeling "hungry" for something more satisfying Also, don't be too surprised if you soon start hearing names like Katniss and Peta becoming popular after the drones who watch this overrated piece of drek deciede to name their offsprings as such .Another P-U movie review from Lou!

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 1 (2011)

Twilight Saga Pt 1--Breaking Wind

[1/10 · 18 November 2011]

Where do I even begin? Yet another installment in this never ending franchise. If you are a fan, you pretty much know the deal. They have sex, there's a wedding, an offspring is born ad they wait for the apocalypse between the bloodsuckers and the wolves. Embarrassingly bad and ultra cheesy on all levels. Pitiful non acting by Kristen Stewart, Taylor Lautner and the rest of the cast. Obviously designed for tween and teenage girls, even they were bored during the preview that I got to see for free. As you probably have guessed by now, I'm not a fan of this series. Like the last "Harry Potter", this ender will be done in two separate parts. Why bother? Everything in this film is overacted, the atmosphere looks like a trailer park, the music is probably the most mawkish ever committed to celluloid , and the whole production in general looks like one of those Mexican made velvet paintings with a wolf sitting in frot of a full moon. Does absolutely nothing to advance series that should have ended at part one, it was designed to lure the target audience girls into the multiplexes to spend the hard earned money that mommy and daddy have to work two jobs to give them. Before my review gets pulled for "abuse", heed my warning. Do NOT pay money to see this film. It literally stinks. You can almost see the cloud of its foul stench rising from the screen. I want a refund! Give me back the two hours plus of my life that I wasted watching this rubbish. Another P U movie review from Lou!

The Three Musketeers (2011)

Enjoyable Nonsense

[8/10 · 11 October 2011]

In the newest version of this often made film, the title three have fallen on hard times, but when a plot is uncovered to plunge France and England into war, they get back together to do their patriotic duty. Bearing absolutely no relation to the Dumas novel {except for the names of the characters} this new version seems to have been made for contemporary audiences, and combines elements of "Matrix"' "Pirates of the Caribbean", "James Bond films, Samurai films and even throws in a good deal of steampunk gadgets and weapons. The story has something to do with a plan for Cardinal Richilieu to seize power and set himself up as a dictator. The cast is OK,with Orlando Bloom as the evil Buckingham, Mila Jojovich as a deadly assassin, and Christof Walz as Richileiu. The German locations could easily pass for early 17 th century France and are quite beautiful.There are fine swordfights, improvised weapon systems, secret passageways,a killing chamber, booby traps, an unbelievable swordfight duel on the roof of Notre Dame cathedral and stolen plans from Leonardo Da Vinci's secret vault for aeriel war machines. These are a combination of zeppelins and sail propelled galleons with at least three decks of cannons and flamethrowers! Even if they are at least 200 years ahead of their time, they are magnificent in design . Their battle over Paris is truly spectacular. Film also features many funny and quite quotable one liners. The point of it is that this was designed to be a fun film and if you, the viewer "get it" it will be exactly that. I've never seen an Andreson film, but this one was a blast. Its all non stop action with a keen sense of humor and some spectacular set pieces all in eye popping 3D.Definitely not your 8th grade Dumas book report that you probably faked by reading a "Classic Illustrated" comic version or "Cliff Notes", but its not supposed to be. Just go see it, OK?

Paul Blart: Mall Cop (2009)

Absurdist Fun

[8/10 · 31 July 2011]

This film amazed me.I wasn't expecting too much, but sometimes you can be pleasantly surprised. Kevin James is at his best as a mild mannered-and lonely security guard at a shopping mall in the shopping mall capital of the world-New Jersey. He could't pass the physical for the police department, so he took this job. He is divorced, has a teenage daughter and lives with at home with his mother. He takes his job pretty seriously even though the other employees couldn't care less, and has the responsibility of training the new employee.One day at the mall, he meets a beautiful salesgirl at a kiosk, begins to fall in love with her. He also has to compete with her asinine boyfriend who really doesn't care too much about her. His mother and daughter have also signed him up for a computer dating service. Get the picture? After what is probably the most depressing Thanksgiving Day ever seen in any movie, he goes to his room, turns on his computer, puts on Barry Manilows "Weekend in New England" and sees if he has any replies on his on -line dating service. Nothing today, maybe better luck tomorrow.

Next thing you know, on Black Friday, bike riding and skateboarding baddies take over the mall. Since he is not on his Segway scooter and playing a video game at the arcade, he is the last one to know. When he discovers the plot, its like "Die Hard" in a mall. He singlehandedly takes on the bad guys while the local police and a SWAT team wait outside and encourage him not to do anything. The film is fast paced, has some very funny scenes, and is comparitively non violent. You'll recognize all the standard mall stores like" Sharper Image", "Victoria's Secret" and the kitschy "Rain Forest Cafe" which is also used for good measure.The cast is likable and James, with a walrus mustache shows that he is a fine comedic actor. Even if you never watch "The King of Queens", his character is fairly convincing. You can believe that he is real and able to handle any situation that his thakless job hads him. The results are hilarious and heroic at the same time. With far, far too many terrible movies that come our way, this one stood out and delivered a good 91 minutes of fun and laughs. It was pretty heart touching too. You just want Paul to win the girl of his dreams.Definitely worth the rental, you won't be disappointed. Scooby doobie do!

Horrible Bosses (2011)

Horrible Movie-Can't Say Anything Else!

[1/10 · 8 July 2011]

What could have been a superior black comedy about every white collar workers dream disintegrates into a standard TV style movie thats long on raunch and foul language, and short on laughs. Before my review gets pulled for "abuse",heres the basic premise. In a nutshell, some office workers deceide to murder their bosses cuz they feel that their lives would be a lot better with them gone, then when things take a wrong turn, the desperation of the workers-and the screenwriter begin to show. "Borrowing" elements of some of Hitchcocks best work, the story quickly fizzles out as film takes the shortcut to predictability and mediocrity. . Cast is only so-so, but Kevin Spacey seems to be chanelling his "American Beauty" role. Bateman and others are quite forgettable and Jennifer Aniston-possibly the worst non actress of this decade goes against type and plays a slutty skanky role that the director hoped would give this film some "balls", but all she seems to do is alienate and repel the audience even further. The only way I could recommend this movie to you is to try to sneak into it at some multiplex and wait until the film you really want to see starts, that is, of course if you can find one that is actually worth seeing. If you remember the early 80s "Nine to Five" that movie pretty much had the same premise as this with some funny fantasy sequences too. I'll leave you, dear readers to deceide which is the better one-think Dolly Parton. Thank God that I get to see these movies for free. Being a critic does have its rewards, but unfortunately I have not been rewarded with any decent movies lately. If you must pay good money to see this turkey- especially in this Obama economy -demand a refund!Another PU movie review from Lou!

Green Lantern (2011)

Below Average Superhero Movie

[1/10 · 16 June 2011]

This is the 4th. superhero movie this year {Green Hornet, X Men, Thor,so far-not including Captain America,and the worst. Total dud misfires from the first frame. A cocky test pilot-whose father was killed in an aircraft crash somehow gets to be a guardian of the universe after a strange green light shines on him. Next thing you know, he has to defend the world from bad evildoers who are much more interesting than the title character. Ryan Reynolds is fairly likable but he seems more appropriate in a show like "Glee" rather than in the title role. Although he tries his one dimensional character really shows no depth, even in the scenes with his lover. The CGI effects are standard issue, and you've probably seen them a million times before. The trouble with this movie is that its just sooooo ordinary. There is absolutely nothing in it to lift it above a less than mediocre level, and the story line can be somewhat hard to follow. Before my review gets pulled due to "abuse", heed my advice and avoid the multiplex showing this disaster. Yes, I know its supposed to be based on a comic book, but even comic books can sometimes show some character development, intelligence, and try to portray their stories in a more realistic and believable way. Unfortunately, this film does not. It will just get lost in the shuffle of superhero overkill and fade from the scene after it predictably makes a fortune on its first weekend. It will be on DVD by summer's end. If you must see it, wait until then. Not worth your time or money, but don't be too surprised if the producers try to "franchise" it and milk it for all its worth. A sad fact in todays Hollywood. The fans claim that the critics killed this film , but thats only partially true. It committed suicide just being made.However, this movie could have been much, much worse-it could have had Jennifer Aniston in it.If that was the case, I would have given it a zero star rating!

Super 8 (2011)

Pooper 8

[1/10 · 8 June 2011]

Something strange is happening in a small town after a train derails . What was supposed to be a nostalgic look at the lives of a few middle schoolers in 1979 turns out to be the biggest movie non event of the year. Something is not right in this movie that fails for three reasons. First, it is entirely too much like the old "Twilight Zone" and "Outer Limits" TV shows. Secondly, the predictability factor manifests itself from the beginning. You know exactly what is going to happen before it even does. You just sit there and viola! It happens. Third is the "Lets use every cliché from every sci-fi movie ever made" factor.Self explanatory. The no name cast doesn't have one character you even care about. They look too clean, too polished,and too plastic just like animatronics at a Disney World attraction.And yes, they all have what I like to call the "Spielberg Look"- you know, that dazed, glazed facial expression that was so prominent in "ET". If this turkey bears a resemblance to "Close Encounters", "War of the Worlds", "ET", "Cloverfield", and "The Goonies", thats the idea. There isn't an original idea anywhere in this mess. Its as if director Abrams was told to make a homage to early Spielberg films by Spielberg himself, and thats exactly what he did. Film does have its moments, but they are few and very far between. Film tries to be nostalgic, but 70s nostalgia? A great decade! Disco, Jimmy Carter, the looming Iran hostage crisis, inflation, oil crisses, unemployment, polyester, etc, etc. Kinda of sounds like today, doesn't it? I can go on and on but, dear reader, I think you get the point. This film has the cheesiest ending since "Indiana Jones and Kingdom of the Crystal Skull",and the schmaltz in the last two minutes or so seems to have been applied with a trowel.As is, just alright for eight year old kids or undemanding viewers. However, adults who are looking for something with some brains and intelligence should go to another multiplex. However, you gotta admit that Spielberg is pretty smart. He just bought himself a 300 foot long yacht that cost over 200 million dollars.Mediocrity is its own reward,but to call this film mediocre is to praise it to high heaven. This film represents everything that is wrong with today's filmmaking and movies. Save your 11 bucks and the trip to the multiplex. It will be available on DVD before the summers over.Mark my words, you'll see. PS- "Super 8" refers to a type of 8mm film that was used for making home movies in the pre digital film age.

Arthur (I) (2011)

Arthur-Gives Remakes Their Bad Name

[1/10 · 8 April 2011]

Why, why, why did they remake the Dudley Moore classic. My guess is that Hollywood has finally run out of ideas. Russell Brand attempts to re create the lovable Dudley Moore drunk playboy character-and fails miserably. Helen Mirren-a fine actress gives what is arguably her worst performance in a role she obviously did for a paycheck. About all she does is scowl and have a mean, exasperated expression on her face.Rest of cast is pretty non descript as is the story, screenplay, and direction. Everything in this wet turd of a movie falls flat on its face, and the director didn't even try to redeem it. Guess he knows the score. He was paid to turn in a movie and he does just that. Only thing is that this waste of celluloid is not a movie. It is just another product of contemporary Hollywood , a heartless and soulless Hollywood that has absolutely no clue on how to make a real movie. About the only good thing in this bomb are some of the on-location New York sites where this was filmed, but Grand Central Station looks like a leftovcer set from Superman II. Do yourself a favor. Save your gas and 11 bucks, stay away from the multiplex playing this atrocity and rent the Dudley Moore original. There is absolutely no comparison between the real thing and the remake. The kind of film that should never have been made in the first place. If you are sucker enough to pay good money to see this Dudley-less dud, demand a refund! Any wonder why movie-going in the US is down by 20 percent? Crap films like this are the reason!

My Neighbor Totoro (1988)

Tripe

[1/10 · 2 November 2010]

Bland, boring, predictable animated pseudo fairytale of two Japanese girls and their father who move to the country to be nearer to their ailing mother's hospital.One day, they meet a forest spirit whom they call Totoro.Looking like an overweight rabbit with short prick erect ears, this non-threatening harmless character leads them through a series of bland, Disney like adventures that makes even "Dora the Explorer" look like Shakespeare's " Mac Beth"-and we don't even get to see Totoro until a half hour into the movie! Thats about it. This is probably the most over rated film from Miyazaki, the uber over rated Japanese anime director.Its all done in a pastel tone animated style that looks like an a painting by a first grader, yet some of the backgrounds do have a certain charm to them.There is no edge, conflict, sense of menace or real emotion or drama in this pablum coated film to engage the audience. Even a 3 year old would become bored-fast. Done by Studio Ghibli-a sort of Japanese Disney studio, this turkey has earned much yen since its release. Not to mention the merchandising it has inspired that, fortunately is not too readily available in the United States. And can anybody please tell me what is so great about Miyazaki? He's just another "in it for the money" artist like Tim Burton, Spielberg, and Murakami. As a matter of fact, I have a hard time distinguishing Miyazaki from Murakami.. Even Spielberg's "ET", a film that I thoroughly hated seems enjoyable and well made when compared to this. Do yourself a favor-watch it only if you have to. Not worth your precious time.For some reason, this was one of the the highest grossing film of all time in Japan until Titanic came along. I can't see why.