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Reviews
The Fog (2005)
Quick! Run! The Air Is Condensing!
The small island of Antonio Bay becomes consumed by a marauding smoke machine which threatens bore everyone into an early grave. Seriously folks, if I had lived on that island I would have rang the party supplier and reported a defective smoke machine and demanded a credit on my next karaoke hire.
The film has some sort of back-story involving the burning of a ship and some crazy pirates that appear to be suffering from leprosy. Don't be surprised if you can't follow the flashbacks because it seems the director felt it would involve too much common sense to put them into any sort of logical order. Don't worry though, the blonde chick from Lost will occasionally state the bleeding obvious, thus giving you a nice recap of what the **** is going on.
It seems the only reason this pile of steaming crud managed to obtain a theatrical release was because blondie and Superman agreed to get their kit off and have a bit of rumpy pumpy fun in the shower.
There's no real scare factor to the movie - unless passive smoking happens to be a grave fear of yours. Occasionally Selma Blair will walk around in her underwear attempting to act cool and trendy - but really she's fooling no-one.
The special effects are worth a special mention because - let's face it - it looked like someone knocked this movie up on their iMac.
Dragging on and using tired fog-gags every five minutes will leave you asking for the final 67 minutes of this movie - 'Why didn't blondie get her norks out twice?'
Candy Stripers (2006)
Calling All Playboy Bunnies - STAT!
Firstly, let us state that we were promised strong, if not gratuitous, sex scenes. We were sorely disappointed. We got mediocre breasticle action - if that - from women who should, by definition, be professional hookers.
Secondly, we call attention to the anomaly of the blonde cheerleader's unusually erect nipples - particularly watch out for those babies in the second half of the film...They practically wink at you from her green halter-neck.
Thirdly, what is Naomi Campbell doing trying to act?
A fourth point is that the orange blood used in many killings isn't fooling anyone.
Finally, this movie is built on the flimsy premise that hospital staff go around snogging patients on their death beds simply because they ask for a kiss. Had they been able to control their urges, this movie would never have come to fruition - and we'd all be better for it.
P.S. Tell the fat matron to find another day job!
Rumpelstiltskin (1995)
Ivy Crane Does Dwarfs
Everyone's favourite Passions star (IVY CRANE!!!!) lights up the screen in this horrifically bad schlock horror. (By 'schlock' I mean horror so bad that it isn't even funny!) Now I love bad horror...But this was beyond the joke.
A woman, whose police-officer husband has just been shot to death in a car jacking, buys a strange relic in an antique store. Despite the warnings of the badly-dressed witch running the store (who looks suspiciously like Stevie Nicks), she buys the lump of stone that looks like it belongs in the bowl of a public toilet.
While she cries at home and wishes to have her husband back just one last time, her tear hits the 'turd rock' and her prayers are answered. Her husband returns and they go at it like rabbits in 7 seconds of tacky, mild sex.
After waking, 'Ivy Crane' finds a strange dwarf in her shower with annoyingly squinty eyes and really bad dentures. He demands her first-born child and she refuses.
From here, the movie involves 'Ivy' running from the little gremlin and causing the deaths of friends and by-standers along the way.
The horror is bland. The supporting cast are probably now in rehab. The one-liners are cornier than creamed corn smeared on a cob of the vegetable of the same name.
I now realise why this movie looks so 80s, despite being released in 1996. It was so bad that every major studio turned it down over a period of 16 years. AVOID!
Madman (1981)
Dow Dow Dow.. Eh Eh Eh Eh Eh
The last night of Summer Camp finds a group of badly-dressed pubescent teens and over-sexed counselors deep in the woods telling ghost stories by the fireside. A story is told about a local farmer (Marz) who decided it was rather appropriate to hack his family to pieces while they slept in their beds. After discovering this, the locals hung Marz from a tree-branch and left him for dead. However, his body disappeared and now it is said that when his name is uttered, he appears and randomly hacks around for a while.
From here, a story emerges about a psycho killer, aptly named Madman Marz who likes wielding various sharp, heavy implements - chiefly an axe. You always know when madman's about to hack into someone because you hear the creepy bars of music that closely resembles "dow dow dow...eheheheheheh".
The film is straight from the teen horror text book and features the obligatory hot tub scene (featuring a man with a rather strange belly button and a buxom blonde ripe for a horror film hacking). Despite some inane killing, Marz shows true compassion when saving characters with a bad 70s/80s 'do from additional shame and embarrassment by mashing their head right into a car's engine and jamming the bonnet down on their shaggy mess of hair (that's one shonky sounding starter motor).
While it won't win any awards for originality, you have to admire the simple fun that Madman offers. Whether it be watching the "special" campers get separated and randomly massacred in the woods or the screaming blonde try to hide in a refrigerator, there is no doubt that Madman is a very under-stated horror classic.
Jack Frost 2: Revenge of the Mutant Killer Snowman (2000)
** Critters On Ice **
Jack Frost returns with an army of Styrofoam balls that can only be foiled by being shot with super-soakers loaded with margaritas. How's that for a plot? The film hinges on such a ridiculous premise that it barely raises an eyebrow when characters are killed with BBQ tongs and are impaled by carrots. You might even say the whole movie is skating on thin ice (ba-boom-tish).
Admittedly, there are some fantastic one-liners including a remark about the Murderous Coconut Shark.
Fair enough times are hard, but that does not excuse the willingness of the actors to take part in such utter tripe.
For those fans hoping to see Jack Frost, be prepared to accept him as merely a phallic carrot creeping up the beach with corny voice-over commentary.
Suspended Animation (2001)
Wow! What A Load Of Steaming Crud!
What starts as a cheap Misery rip-off soon deteriorates into a pointless and slow-moving telemovie with teenage tearaways jumping out of cupboards.
After Alex McArthur is kidnapped and presented with pickled appendages by insane sisters Vanessa and Ann, Alex returns home to search for the retina-challenged incestuous spawn of Vanessa. With her troubled, spotty son causing raccoon-torturing incidents, Alex becomes a little too involved in a twisted family album. (What we have written here would imply a far greater film than the one that we actually viewed) Despite this, one really has to give credit to the wardrobe department on this one, making a 2001 production really have that eighties look about it. Laura Esterman's beautiful wig-work is also a point of interest for water-cooler discussion. (Can't even figure out why it was appropriate for her to be wearing a wig) If it's confusing and pointless drivel you're after, then look no further than Suspended Animation - aka the more generically-titled Mayhem. Don't expect scares or entertainment from this film, rather confusion caused by the fact that you are 38 minutes into the film with no end in sight.