Barloq Reviews

The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009)

Twilight recycled, now with 90% more werewolves!

[3/10 · 3 April 2010]

First off, I'm a guy, so before you completely disregard this review let me say that I am trying my hardest to review this in a neutral manner. So, infuriating fan-girl hate aside, let's get this review going...

New Moon opens up with the most drawn out title sequence since Terminator. Coincidentally, this ridiculously slow moment sums up the movie pretty well (although it is infinitely fun to yell "EW MOON!!" as the letters show up). Anyway, New Moon quickly insults its audience with some truly terrible acting (Bella has only one facial expression, I swear to God) and plot, which culminates in Edward breaking up with Bella. The audience is then subjected to a criminal amount of teenage angst as Bella wallows in her sorrow until she *finally* starts to fall in love with Jacob. Hysterically, Jacob and Bella have more chemistry than Edward and Bella ever did.

Soon, it becomes pretty obvious that New Moon is a retread of the first Twilight. Bella falls in love with mysterious boy, she slowly realizes that he is a werewolf (and is amazed that he radiates heat from his body - which is better than sparkling in the sunlight I suppose), hangs out with him despite all the dangers and even comes home to meet the "pack".

This redundancy is finally abated about an hour and a half into the movie when Alice finally shows up and says that Edward's going to commit suicide because he thinks Bella is dead. "Oh my god!" you say, "It's just like Romeo and Juliet!" Bingo. However, she saves him just in time, and we get introduced to the Volturi (basically the vampire mafia?). Somehow, they fail to come across as sinister, until the end when they slaughter an entire tour group (including children!!!!) off screen.

Anyway, Edward and Bella return home, Jacob gets jealous and Edward asks Bella to marry him. Curtains. It's about this point that the viewer realizes that they just wasted 2 hours of their time.

New Moon commits some major cardinal sins which utterly destroy it. First off is the already-mentioned redundancy - while the romantic angle is actually better done in New Moon, it's hard to ignore the fact that it's a re-skinning of a movie I already saw (and didn't like either). Second (and worst of all), New Moon is literally 2 hours of set-up. Nothing happens. At least Twilight had a story - New Moon neuters itself by setting things up for Eclipse (which, in itself, is mostly set-up for Breaking Dawn). So you are quite literally sitting through 2 boring hours, waiting for something to happen, and then being baffled when nothing does.

So in summary, even if you can ignore the terrible acting and plot, New Moon is brought down by redundancy and the fact that it is nothing but set-up. It's nothing but a gratuitous soft-core porno flick for chicks.

Anyway if you don't care about my opinion on New Moon then fine, whatever, go watch the movie. See if I care.

Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater (2004 Video Game)

A Return to Form

[10/10 · 11 November 2008]

After the slight stumble that was Metal Gear Solid 2, there must have been a degree of doubt placed on MGS3. Thankfully this game is not only a worthy successor to Metal Gear Solid, but it is the best game in the entire series (so far anyway). This game is so... perfect. The boss battles are all excellent (The End, The Sorrow and The Boss really stand out though), the story is much easier to follow than MGS2 and the gun play has finally been done right. Then there's the new hunting mechanic where you have to find your food (and use it as a weapon!). I also enjoyed that you get to patch up your wounds and that you have different camouflage you can put on to blend into the surrounding. The environment is spectacular - moving from urban environments and labs was a very smart move, as Snake Eater's jungle is breath taking. The graphics are exceptional. Possibly the best part of all though is that the characters are very well defined, most of all The Boss. I could continue, but why bother? This game, as I said, is damn near perfect. There are a few nagging issues, such as the camera (which is rectified in Subsistence), fairly abrupt ending and the menu diving but these are fairly petty in comparison to what you get.

Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty (2001 Video Game)

Snake, what happened? Snake? SNAKE!!!

[8/10 · 11 November 2008]

Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty had to live up to monumental expectations after the lofty precedent set by it's predecessor. In the game play department, it puts the original MGS to shame. Enemy AI is relentless, hunting you down by sweeping through rooms, looking in air ducts and calling in re-enforcements. Gunplay becomes easier with the first-person camera and the player has new gadgets at their disposal. This is all great stuff, so Sons of Liberty should have been better than the original game right? Well, the game flounders with the introduction of Raiden and the story. Raiden (and his new supporting characters) are whiny and not nearly as interesting as Snake (who you only play as for the first hour and a half). The story starts out fine, but suddenly twists abound and it becomes damn near impossible to understand. This is very unfortunate, since much of Metal Gear Solid's success rode on it's well paced and intelligent story. The first-person camera was a godsend, but it has it's issues too, namely not being able to move and that you can't aim your automatic weapons (well, if you could then I was never told how to). While MGS2 isn't anywhere near as good as the original, it is still a very good, very artful game that I would recommend to anyone... partly because you MUST play every game in this series to make any sense of the story.

Metal Gear Solid (1998 Video Game)

The Best PS1 Game Ever Made

[9/10 · 11 November 2008]

Metal Gear Solid is a landmark achievement in video gaming, regularly topping critics and gamers Top 10 lists, and for good reason. Great graphics (well, for a PS1 game), music and a well paced story that will keep you from dropping the controller. Oh and the boss battles. The boss battles will blow your mind and have you... well, I won't spoil anything but the game won't be just a game anymore. The entire game is creative, funny and fairly well written. Of course there are a few issues - the story begins to collapse in on itself near the end, the camera could use some work, the shooting system is imprecise and long cut scenes abound (although they are usually very interesting I know that this could turn off some people). Basically, if you haven't played MGS then you aren't a true gamer.

Dynasty Warriors 4: Empires (2004 Video Game)

The Only Dynasty Warriors Required

[9/10 · 2 November 2006]

Dynasty Warriors was in a downward spiral until this came along. Dynasty Warriors 4: Empires is a strategic button masher that doesn't get old. Every game is different (usually) as you try to outwit the other generals that are spread across the land, as well as those generals's forces. Along the way you get to use enhancing and detrimental powers and your generals get to use special skills. In addition, the game is chocked full of interesting special features, like artwork, a movie you edit yourself and hundreds of unlockables. If this isn't enough, you get to command the biggest host of Dynasty Warriors to date (40-something) and even create 4 of your own (which can be crossed over from Xtreme Legends). The only squabbles are that in Hard Mode the enemies can be unforgiving, the frame rate goes down every few battles and it's a button masher, but these are very tolerable when you find yourself playing this for hours and hours... and hours.