Change Your Image
Mili_Cja
5 is for those I cannot fully decide. Roman style.
Ratings
Most Recently Rated
Reviews
Tehran (2020)
Tests your patience
I am reviewing S1 E01-E5 here. I might come back to adjust my rating if there is a good reason for that.
Tehran is annoying. There's so much detail, albeit I have no idea how accurate the depiction of Iran's capital, it's citizens etc is., but at least it looks credible. And they say people of Iran are the best hosts in the world, so at least that's true, I know it second hand. There is also much detail in the languages used, they don't speak english for no reason, there's hebrew, farsi etc. It really paints a faithful picture. Even if it's not. It's still believeable.
They start off with a realistic scenario, it makes sense with the way they insert their spy. Things go well, or not so well, or straight to hell. Doesn't matter. You get that Spy Game (2001) vibe all over. It works.
But then someone decides to turn the main character into a stupid, selfish and suicidal drone who, on her first ever mission, thinks it's best to do the following:
1. Ditch her only way out of the (enemy) country.
I get it. Her handler killed someone to protect her. But now she's so into "oh, he's a murderer" mode, that she thinks it'd be better for her to just run away from him. Please. If I were a Jew on a loose in Tehran, I'd take a devil's help to get out of there. But not her, righteous girl, who had happened to kill some other guy just hours prior. Makes sense, right?
2. Let's rain havoc on some relatives.
The girl, instead of going to a hideout (but oh yeah, the murderous handler must be there), heads right to her mother's sister apartment. And DEMANDS service. F.. it if by doing so she puts that entire family in an immediate danger. Knowingly. F.. this, she's important, back her up already!
3. Let's go RAVE!
The now most irresponsible spy in the world thinks she can get out of the country by procuring a fake passport. She's still got that full-secure Mosad run hideout, remember? Instead, she proceedes to contact her cyber friend and, guess what, next thing is her showing up to a street brawl between zealots and hippies. Right between police and secret agents. Because that's what people who want to hide do, right?
Her murderous handler literally saves her inches from the capture. I am 100% sure he will pay for that dearly VERY soon, but this lightheaded goof had her way, hadn't her?
I swear, If I were Mosad at this point, I'd order a termination of the asset, effective immediately. No retrieval, no ID.
And then I would've filed a report on those f-ups who'd have had ever put THIS girl up on an active field duty.
Man, screenwriters think so little of us, viewers, these days.
Yet, they go on a strike now. They hungry or what? They write stupid screenplays, what do they expect? They want more moolah for their napkin-worthy stories? If they say it's companies that do not allow them to write creative and compelling stories, I will strike with them. Only then. But if that is how things are, we all should stand by these people.
The Visit (2015)
Somewhere in between
It was not entirely bad but terribly lacked imagination. It had it's moments, especially in the final, where the kid "unfroze". That was a powerful scene. But all in all, it's the same thing we've seen countless times before and usually done better. There is near zero originality. M. Night Shyamalan went to cut, copy and paste every cliche and trope known to a movie goer. It's a horror by the numbers, not particularly engaging one.
I would accept that as an interesting curriculum project (which it almost is, considering main heroes actually "shoot" the content), but as a movie from the renowned director? Not so much. Not at all, really.
White Noise (2022)
Tedium. I'd rather listen to a real WN
You know, the white noise that comes from those old CRT TVs when there is no signal. Sshhhhhh, shhhhh. Supposedly helps you fall asleep. This show is nothing but.
Another production done by the numbers. Great actors, names, whatnot. Another example of a movie that proves that names do not make a hit.
And who writes this trite? Who hires people to write like that and who hires pepole to accept this later on? Corpo style.
What meds are they taking? Did they really hear ANYONE talk like that? Are they single and solitary and do not know how normal pepole communicate? No one utters lines like these, only to hear an equally "clever" response after a short pause. This feels SO artificial that it breaks any semblance of immerision.
What a waste of ... I was about to write "talent", but I value my "time" way more.
The Rig (2023)
This is RIGged
So what are you trying to say, that one of the most hardened people to walk face of the Earth, oil rig workers, are in fact a bunch of crybabies and hotheads who are beyond control? How the F do they even manage to get that oil to us if all they can do is yell and burst with anger any minute. What a bunch of nonsense. This portrayal is beyond ridiculous. But why am I surprised. If producers can send psychotic teens in Space, they can make oil rig workers yell and argue all day long for no reason at all.
Pity, as oil rigs are such a cool and underused locales with hard as nails people and wild stories to be told about. Not many good movies here. Instead of this dreck, watch Deepwater Horizon couple more times.
Ming yat zin gei (2022)
So tiring...
Will they ever learn?
This is NOT how we wanna watch these people speak, walk, behave or wave their arms around. Relax a bit, stop being stiff for a while, don't talk like you're addressing a nation every time you open your mouth. FFS, Koreans yell all the time, Japanese squeak all their lines, Chinese talk like their life depended on it. Rest your muscles, relax your vocal cords, ease the F down! Your movies will be THAT much easier to swallow (no pun intended). And don't overcompensate with redundant CGI. Movies are not all about blowing up stuff with questionable SFX. You can do better (and you sure did numerous times), why produce nonsense SF crap like Skyline. Westerners can do it themselves, do not add up.
I am literally desperate for a quality Asian SF, with all the values and new angles. But all I get is this trite :(
Troll (2022)
Who writes this stuff?
The Troll, the mighty Norwegian Army fightingt it, the researcher, the father, the captain - yeah, I can get all the cliches and live with them. What I cannot tolerate is lousy writing and cringe worthy dialogue. Which is sadly aplenty. Norse people know their way around interesting movies which begs the question: WHO THE F wrote this trite? Moronic exchanges, nonsense drivel, ridiculous reactions (they can see the Troll figure on their screens, yet they still say it cannot be the Troll their grandma told them about). Paper thin characters you don't give a s** about, this I cannot tolerate. Making me watch this manure and waste my precious time - this I cannot accept either. So if you appreciate your time, pick your viewings and don't take stuff at their face value - skip this unless Trolls are your absolute thing.
1899 (2022)
Don't listen to the fools
People comparing this to Lost and complaining how "Losty" it is - have you already forgotten how you'd loved Lost seasons 1-4 only to completely lose interest after 5-6 fiasco? 1899 is like Lost in it's first season. It's like Matrix before it went for mystic trites. It's nothing like convoluted and confusing Dark. Yes it's weird and effed up, but come on. Acting, settings, music, SFX, everything is nigh on perfect. I don't expect everyone to like mystery, but ffs if I don't like comedies, I don't intentionally watch them only to criticize them later for not being horror shows. Get your bearing, people. 1899 is the best 2022 sci-fi/mystery show by the mile (and no effing pun was intened here).
The Crown (2016)
S1-4: top of the line. S5: sinks to the bottom
I realize it's difficult to put a number on a show that rocks for several seasons and then takes a nosedive. Especially that I do not recognize the numbers in between. They make no sense to me. What is a difference between 6.4 and 7.7? How would that difference translate to what a movie is worth? So I give 1 to stuff that I consider was a waste of time, 10 to movies I recommend to my friends and 5 to something in between. But TV series are difficult in that regard. I also think numbers tell very little what people actually think of what they watched. So I prefer to read what they have to say about it. With thousands of opinions it's really difficult to get any meaningful search results from opinions that do not come with extreme scores. So I usually start with long posts of prolific reviewers that give a production "1" - for example. And start from there. Yeah, I have learned to go around those character limits in a way that is more impressive than just repeating lines to meet the quota ;) *wink*
That being said, I hope the introduction was as engaging and meaningful as any of royalty's speeches done before.
I consider The Crown a great series. 1-4 season to be precise. 5th is. Yeah, what exactly IS this? A soap opera? Return to Hogwarts? Renewal of The Wire? I am sorry, but this happens to some particular actors and their roles, they take them and they can never ever be looked at without us thinking of them in that way. It doesn't mean they're necessarily bad actors, it means they are very specific and sometimes grown into their particular roles. Patrick Stewart is a perfect example of this. He could never ever be anyone but Picard, despite being a great actor (yes, Xavier is Picard on wheels). So yeah, having Hogwarts b**ch as the Queen is a subversion. She suddenly becomes mean and evil in S5. Actually, all Royalty become like that. You almost expect them to turn into lizard people. Subtlety, intricaties, difficult choices disappear and are substituted with an assumption the Royalty are like Vampire kin bound to suck all of our blood. And then there is the boredom. 3rd ep and my wife turns to knitting while I play games on my iPad. This was not the case before. Where is the emotion of Aberfan? Fear of Act of God? Joy of Company of Men? I could go on. The fifth season is a boring dreck trying to convince us The Queen and all involved in "the System" are either it's captors or evil, self centered and one faceted oppressors that seek nothing else but riches, debauchery and control.
5th season is like saying "we've lied about the Royalty for 4 seasons. Now comes the truth". Oh boy. Go straight for the lizard people, it will at least be somewhat entertaining.
Smile (2022)
Wrong people watch it
Great study of a psychotic disorder and a progressing dissasociation from reality.
Do not expect a horror here.
At least not one of the kind you'd come expecting.
By all means, it is a HORROR. The horror of a human brain going ape. The ghosts and manifestations can all be attributed to a sick mind, so I get it why people keep yammering about false promises. They want scares, they want poltergeists, blood and monsters. This movie, they get confused. But PTSD is like that. A brain can only take as much. One event can eff you up to the point you'll start seeing fairies. Protagonist here, traumatized in their childhood, witnessing an absolutely horryfing event, goes "bonkers". But boy, there are ghosts, aren't there? No, not really. This movie is not about supernatural stuff. Just a daily routine of a PTSD victim. Extreme for sure, but still.
Im Westen nichts Neues (2022)
Only the dead have seen the end of war
Yet another amazing movie telling us in a most gruesome way NOT to fight one another.
Yet another movie telling us exactly HOW to achieve that goal.
Rule one. Do not let psychopaths run your government.
If that fails. Rule number two. Remove the psychopath.
These filthy pigs.
Hope y'all catch my drift here. Romove the pigs.
That being said, out of all movies depicting the worst of mad human atrocities and depravity, which is WAR, this has gotta be one of the most heart wrenching of them all. Plus Dunkirk. And many more. Score is so good. This is a must watch for anyone, actually. Caring or not. WAR is the worst thing human can conceive.
Ostatnia wieczerza (2022)
Yes but no
I don't know, maybe I saw so many movies, maybe I have so exuberant expectations, anyway, not much is gonna work for me these days. Especially in horror genre, where every goddamn trope and thread exploited means that is a one less original road to travel. What scared you once is so much less likely to scare you when used again. And again. And again.
I get what these guys are trying to make but the horror to truly deliver is to take the unknown and turn it against you. But once the unknown is made known, which is by way of deliverance, it stops being scary.
Thus the horror becomes a tamed beast.
Ostatnia wieczerza / Hellhole is a Polish horror movie. There are not many of the kind. It is well done. Technically, scenically and well played. The story holds ground most of the time. BUT. It's the same s*it (over)done bazillion of times. No matter how much you try, devil shenaningans always end up being the same. SORRY but NO.
Guillermo del Toro's Cabinet of Curiosities (2022)
9+ reviewers, is that a first foray into horror genre?
I never liked GdT's work, I always considered it being "artsy" for the sake of being, you know, "artsy". The guy proclaims himself a lovecraftian artisan, but he fails miserably trying to show the love for Cthulhu. The same goes for this ridiculous series.
If it ever aspires to join the triad of Netflix anthologies (Black Mirror, Love Death and Robots), it must try harder. And I mean much, MUCH harder.
GdT vision and style are obviously not for everyone, but I would never have taken the guy for being into boring stuff. CLICHE stuff. Out of eight, there is a single episode that smells of novelty (The Autopsy). The rest is a copy of a copy of a copy.
Overdone, overused horror tropes served without imagination. The last episode, dear lord, I had to fast forward it - it was an agonizing hour of watching two gritty ornithologists recording flocks of birds, at the same time suffering from a daily routine of a hounted house cliches. Yeah, you read that right. Ornithologists. Truly unbearable. Boring horror are two words that are mutually exclusive, yet they met here with GdT's blessing.
My adivce - watch The Autopsy and skip the (boring) rest.
Also write GdT to stop feeding us his nonsense.
Barbarian (2022)
10 because not much else can compete these days
By any means, this is not a very good movie. I can hardly recommend it. But it still stands above the mediocrity that is so widely spread these days. Standards just suck nowadays.
It is well made. It surprises. There are twists. Acting is good. Tension is uneven and what is not uncommon these days, it's mostly prevalent in the scenes that are NOT horror related. I don't know, these guys have no imagination to create proper horror but deliver in other aspects. Which is cool, but this is still a horror movie, so? My BP rose in a "confused cops scene" but was flat in the underground. Go figure. Also (which is sadly common, too), once the "reveal" is revealed - bang, the terror is gone. This tells us how difficult it is to make a proper horror movie. The art feels gone.
So, this is a ten - a recommended, but a far cry from what really constitutes a very good horror.
The Black Phone (2021)
Half way there...
...but if there were only yea / nay options, I would have rated it 1.
I don't play with anything in between - 3, 6, 7? What does it mean? I either recommend a movie (10) or say don't bother (1). 5 is for those I cannot fully decide. Roman style.
So, this one is like that. Somewhat on a good side, somewhat on a bad side. Would your life change in any way if you have or have not seen this movie? Not a bit, unless it's your first foray into "abduction-horror" films. Is it worth your time? I don't know. How much do you value your time? If you're a die hard horror fan and watch everything of the kind - go ahead, knock yourself out. If you are a die hard horror fan but it's not easy to satisfy your desires, skip it. If you don't care - continue not caring.
It's just that - mediocre.
And it's also a wasted potential because the supernatural turn suggested it could have gone in many unexpected directions. It hasn't. Instead, we were given a plot device to further the bland and overused story. No real twists, no surprises (unless you count the stupid ones), no peeling off layers of mystery. Just a usual wrap.
Logic suffered many times, too. Maybe not as much as in most of these movies but still. If you see a flaw, your thoughts stick to it. And scream "pick the bottle, break it and kill the guy. He's sleeping!!" or something else along these lines.
I like the social / teenage / family drama part - it is way, way better than the "horror" element. Could have made a decent movie in itself. The girl talking s**t to the cops in front of a counselor is worthy a watch if only to further illustrate differences between the drama and horror segments.
Also, the tension was missing for the most part. With Ethan being not particularly menacing. The violence, a difficult topic considering child abduction for sure. Who in their right mind would want to watch it? Well, we don't. The family and school violence however, is over the top. They don't shy away from it a tiniest bit. But the kidnapper? He mostly just talks and not in a very convincing manner anyway. This dichotomy creates further problems for the movie since we end up being more angry with a family member rather than the Grabber character.
Hm, looks like 5 star rating was well earned after all since the movie warranted so many thoughts :D.
Andor (2022)
Slow, steady, painful bore into your mind
While you thought you've known everything about your Star Wars, here comes a surprise. Rogue One, Andor, Mandalorian - finally pieces made with passion and imagination. It's so frustraing that they can make stuff like that and at the same time fail miserably with Obi-Wan. SW is ups and downs. Andor is definitely an UP. Dirty, backwater story of some random rebel assault, senators scheming in fear, odd Imperial officer suffering his defeat - there is so much content in these 7 episodes, I do hope they develop it in a good way. This series has got a lot of potential. Especially that we all know how it ends.
Grimcutty (2022)
Moronic
So the message of this shlimazel of a movie is - the more you care, the worse the punishment. But it has a helluva lot of trouble drawing a line between care and control. Certainly whoever wrote this garbage has no idea about movies, entertainment values, educational logic, digital media and parenting.
It's like Jane heard there was this stuff going on online, which Mary brought up during their cookie baking session, that she thought she read in some random magazine that Amy mentioned to Joan last month during their morning jog. And being a caring mom, she promptly proceeded to ban her daughter from the internet. Enter the demon. Tells to kill bad parents or else. One of the parents turns out to be an even worse nutjob than the writer of this nonsese.
If this was someone's "bright" idea of an attempt at an educational horror, I have news for you - it failed. It's also not scary and most of all - not entertaining.
These movies are getting worse by the minute. That is the only true horror here.
SAS: Red Notice (2021)
Can we Kickstart Ruby's acting lessons?
Maybe she is not beyond redemption and can still learn some.
I don't know, by the looks of it (and couple of other movies she's in) she must be awful rich and pay for the roles. And cover resulting financial losses. And I think that would work for me, I could accept it. I mean, rich chick rents movie crew and makes a stupid movie for fun. Buyers beware.
But the sad truth is it's way more likely movie producers take us for such a inept herd of zero brain cell pulp eaters, that they feel they can pull any kind of crap and sell it to us passing as a quality entertainment.
Dull mash up cliched stories - I wouldn't even dare to say "written", they're not written, they are a combine of overused, cheap blocks of low tier content, thin default characters and some random "dialogue".
People that don't know how to act. I get it, the story is meh. Director tells you to "give him that hard as nails chick look to the camera and then grunt some". But still, that girl fails that. Take some badass MMA fighter and tell her to look mean and yell, this will be at least somewhat believable.
And how the hell is that even possible? Proper casting for any role that is not offered to A+ actors consists of dozens if not hundreds of rehearsals. You tell me Ruby Rose could win in any of them passing for a hardened character?
That beign said, not even a stellar cast could have saved this derailed (pun intended) wreck of a movie.
Just go ahead and watch Under Siege 2 or something. Not a great fan of Seagal but the guy at least knew his moves and the movie was an entertaining fun.
Hellraiser (2022)
Oh dear, not again...
M'kay, Hellraiser remake, after dozens of sequels, a reboot, maybe?
They make him a girl, for whatever the frack reason, I don't care, I take a girl anytime once she knows how to act and a director to tell her how, Pinhead can be a neutered nonsexual fairy for all I care. Just give me a goddamn movie! Original Hellraiser was all about human faults. This one is just a slasher without any semblance of character. It's like making Seven without Commandments, or without the wife. Or Saw without morals. It's these stupid writers they hire, they write stuff they have no clue about. Morons without any idea what the real life or fantasy is about. They all go along the corporate lines, "make money", and make money they do, living in secure coastline condos, disconnected from REAL life. You will not be able to write anything even remotely interesting without being involved with the REAL life. Fantasy included, because it adds IMAGINATION into the equation. And Haywood writers have an imagination of a squirrel.
Hasan Minhaj: The King's Jester (2022)
No. Get back to the basics.
Personal issues of a guy, not working here.
Stupid jokes about Indians, women, children, et al? No, thank you.
There is being brilliant about something, and there is being stupid and shlocky about something. Guess which one is your league, Hasan.
No fret, however, being a 1st row stand up comedian is like going to Mars and back, so no hard feelings. You're not there yet, not for a long time.
But you will work towards this less demanding crowd that laughs for no particular reason. Because they have no idea what humor is. Because they laugh every time somebody farts in a room. Good for you, because while you are producing this horse manure, I will be watching guys like Ari Eldjárn,
Michael McIntyre, Jim Jefferies and Tom Segura.
The Watcher (2022)
Seriously MEH
You know a show is a fail when the real story behind it happens to be way more interesting.
Such is the case with The Watcher. It is based on real life events that when you go and read about them (or watch a good documentary), make your skin crawl. But this "dramatization" here, in order to justify it's running time, begins to invent ridiculous things that never happened in a real life, causing the underlying original theme to dissolve in a thin soup of nonsensical ideas and fantasies.
Seven episodes of meandering derails this half way.
If this was made into a 90 minute movie, maybe it would have worked.
Even better, if MrBallen talks about it on his YT chan for 20 minutes, you are guaranteed to have goosebumps and you have just saved yourself several hours of unnecessary viewing.
Obi-Wan Kenobi (2022)
Who made this? For whom? To what purpose?
I truly cannot fathom the degree of a failure this is.
It's a pain to watch, at times. Most of the time, really.
Vader is a caricature of his former self, his scenes are devoid of any dread.
Inquisitors are a bunch of bickering fools. That and Sis no3 cannot act.
Obi-Wan, the frigging legend, is boring as hell. These morons of writers managed to portray him as senile, boring and stupid. That in itself calls for a retribution.
Leia is an annoying brat who constantly brings danger to herself and everyone around.
Humor (if any) is stale and embarrasing.
Writing is formulaic, tedious and totally uninspiring. This has got to be the worst SW ever made, easily taking the crown from Episodes 1-3. Actually, that trilogy shines in comparison.
I am shaking my head in disbelief.
Authors, you should go into exile and never ever pick up a pen again, not unless you want to poke yourselves in the eye.
Mr. Harrigan's Phone (2022)
Snoooooozeeefest
Well, I don't mind slow burn, not at all. But this one here, it smolders in a slo mo. There is no tension, just endless drivel.
It's not bad per se, just not that great, not good. Not engaging. There is nothing that could justify its running time. It could work as a 30 minute Twilight story, probably, but not as a full movie. One day after watching and I am already finding it difficult to recall what it was all about. Mr. Sutherland is great as ever but his senile efforts cannot make this thing work.
Not every SK story can be made into a movie, not every one of those will make for an engaging viewing. Mr Harrigan and his phone get a no from me.
For All Mankind (2019)
I did not expect that
Haters, I really don't know what you're smoking but please, change your dealer.
This is a tad slow, tad emotional, tad PR HR propaganda. But it's also a road never taken, and quite a story, especially if you can relate to the real world events of that time in any way. Exploration of the Moon and beyond, including human factor, not only Michael Bay explosions and without Star Trek detachment, stemming directly from our present reality. Not perfect. But really, really good. Not for everyone, certainly, but it's character driven, story is solid, shots and fx are perfect. It's one of the best Moon-yearning movies too.
Nordsjøen (2021)
Sort of good, sort of.
I give it a recommendation, it's pretty effective. But then again, it's too restrained considering the degree of the disaster. Give it to Roland Emmerich for a proper edge of your seat experience.
Fx are good, story holds water (no pun intended), but once the solution is presented... I mean I'm not an expert, but isn't what they did to limit the destruction totally counterintuitive? And how come they're scratching their heads trying to figure out what is going on, only to come up with an exit strategy without consulting with dozens of experts. Seems like a terrible shortcut.
The movie feels a bit like a wasted potential- it's okayish, just a tad bit above the average. Still, if you like disaster flicks, it's better than most Haywood prods these days (Moonfall for example)
Ambulance (2022)
Boring nonsense with zero value
What action? Is there any action in this movie? What you are actually seeing is not that - it's ADHD electroshocked monkey random cut mess, not action. People giving it 10/10, are you what, twelve? Have you seen any other movie, or was that your first cinematic experience ever to give this piece of trash a perfect rating?
Characters are completely random, events are random - what happened to the heist? Was it left out on a cutting floor? They talk some and then all of a sudden they are already inside the bank, making their exit.
People are introduced and erased in a nonsensical way (flip-flop guy, really?)
They are totally stupid, act stupid and are one dimensional from start to finish. All of them. The dog had more charisma than any of theese fools.
Shootouts are made for PG, no one hits anyone, just producing some fireworks. If somebody actually shoots someone, they immediately rush out to make amends by saying how sorry they are for hitting them. Really, that happens on at least three occasions.
Don't make me start on a dialogue - it is so much horse manure, they'd be better off not talking at all - that would have made for a more interesting movie and spared us non stop cringe. Really, I think there should be some sort of a guidance advice for top tier actors taking parts in super dumb films. JG, one of my favorites, loosing points over this garbage? Why? Was money that good?
Car chase (yes, singular) feels like they have no idea how to shoot car chases, they made them better in the seventies ffs! Story is... ah who cares about the story. It's a movie down low even by recent Bay's standards. Just watch anything else, literally anything else done by Bay and this is guaranteed gonna be a smoother ride than this schlock.
Don't get me wrong, I like many of his works - Armageddon was pure fun, Bad Boys even more so, 13 Hours I really liked, The Island, Pearl Harbor and oh boy, The Rock? It's even referenced in Ambulance. As a producer, he's got even more aces. But not here. Ambulance is easily one of the worst Bay's creations (sequels of Transformers being a strong contender) and probably one of the worst top dollar 2022 misfires.
If you want a good heist/insurance-for-wife movie, watch Heat, John Q, Inside Man and Dog Day Afternoon and learn from the guys who knew how to make movies and what a good movie is supposed to be about. Don't spread this 10/10 idiocy on an unwatchable trash.