madameminty Reviews

Bad CGI Gator (2023)

Ruined by the nothing ending

[5/10 · 1 December 2023]

It lives up to its title with the absolutely worst CGI, I have ever seen in my lifey, progressively worsening in each scene. The deliberate horridness of the effects becomes a bizarre delight.

The characters are intentionally unlikable, ensuring a guilt-free thrill as they fall prey to the PS1 Lara Croft's worst nightmare.

Dark humor is top notch and sticks around to the very last moments.

However, the anticlimactic ending left me disappointed. While the whole movie is built upon cheese, taking "so bad it's good" to its ultimate form, the boring conclusion feels like "so bad it's just bad".

Expend4bles (2023)

No real upsides

[1/10 · 26 November 2023]

You'd hope for all the flaws this expectedly has, it would at least have satisfying shootouts, but no, not besides one with motorcycles. They just go too smoothly, even for this series. Hell, the characters are murder wizards even when it's completely unnecessary.

I've never seen a movie that would generate so many plot holes per second. I've never seen an Expendables movie that focuses on only one character, but maybe it's for the best, because others are even more cringeworthy. I've never seen a movie made in this century with such bad special effects, and I don't just mean Playstation 2-grade CGI.

I have definitely seen movies as stupid, predictable, straight up embarrassing, but I've rated them the same.

The Big Lebowski (1998)

Where's the rest?

[6/10 · 19 November 2023]

I like most things about the movie. From the interesting, incredibly maladjusted characters (every single one), to attention to detail, to iconic lines, to convoluted plot with a lot of ins, a lot of outs, a lot of what-have-yous. It's a great journey. Some may argue that this is enough and the point, I will argue that I don't find it enough nor enjoy the point-I just like destinations too much.

And, unfortunately, there's very little of that here. The only true progression happens within the last 5 minutes, otherwise nothing really gets satisfyingly concluded. This is replaced with anticlimactic destruction of the fourth wall.

Fatman (2020)

Opens well, ends... actually... not

[4/10 · 15 November 2023]

I like the concept a lot, I really do. The bizarre dark comedy kind of tone is excellent. Unfortunately, this movie doesn't take it far enough. Violent Night (2022) is so much richer, if you're looking for a 9/10 in Christmas action category.

The gradual unveiling of Santa and his friends' abilities during the build-up makes promises the second half doesn't keep, as they feel underused.

The hands-on villain, whose quirks are tantalizingly teased, is neglected. His backstory is reduced to a single line of dialogue, when it could easily be much more.

A couple fights I'd love to see either play out trivially or are frustratingly relegated off-screen, creating a feeling equivalent to opening an empty box. Where's my present?

The final confrontation seems rushed and ultra-low budget, which apparently is the opposite of the truth, ironically enough. One of the props was so obviously cheap and unconvincing the movie produced some unintended kind of comedy.

The ending lacks commitment and guts. In fact, it feels barely present. Allegedly important parts of the story are left hanging in the air, or conclude with a wet plop.

Foundation (2021– )

LOST in space

[5/10 · 5 November 2023]

You've probably already heard about its great production value and its loose adherence to the source material, so let's not address it.

However, I think most reviewers were too early for season 2, and as a result the direction where it's all going from the brilliant season 1 that filled me and many others with anticipation.

Sadly, said direction reminds me of how most people received the ending of Game of Thrones. Everyone behaves inconsistently on every level: abilities, interests, and established personalities. At least Gaal remains an annoying brat and Day is as full of himself as ever, so not everything is out of order.

However, the worst is the pretense of intelligence. Second season is full of such inconsistencies, but also chaos, misdirection, fridge logic, unnecessary convolution... just pure nonsense served plot twist after twist, with "this was all part of the plan" trying to conceal the growing plot holes. If you've ever seen LOST or BBC Sherlock, this is the same. Ocean's 86981849. It's not smart. The exact opposite in fact, banking on the audience failing to think about it.

Lioness (2023– )

An unfortunate series of unfortunate events

[4/10 · 6 August 2023]

This show leaves me perplexed with its lack of an actual plot. Merely a series of disconnected and disturbing vignettes, it serves up tragedy after tragedy, subjecting its characters to unending trauma both in the present and the past. Regrettably, the one-dimensional characters fail to captivate, rendering this drama ultimately pointless. The fragmented narrative hinders any meaningful exploration. The moment something becomes interesting, it's buried under yet another disaster. The relentless darkness becomes tiresome, comical even. It struggles to create a meaningful connection between "gripping" and "storytelling". Will further episodes resolve something? Maybe, but I have a feeling they'll just pile on the adversities.

Uncut Gems (2019)

...but why should I care?

[4/10 · 18 June 2023]

There's no agreed upon definition of art, but maybe: a purposeful creation that makes you feel things.

I'm unsure why I'm supposed to feel anything. I find myself completely disconnected from every garbage character and garbage every action. The only thing I notice is the lack of caring whether they win or lose or live or die.

I don't care about the rock because it has been poorly pictured. I don't care about the conga of frankly stupid people trying to take from each other, no matter how much, despite already having plenty. There's just nothing that makes me interested in this hectic nonsense.

It seems to be one of those movies that try to overwhelm the viewer with the unrelenting torrent of stuff, but if you don't get easily overwhelmed, it does nothing.

Vesper (2022)

A universe without purpose

[4/10 · 17 June 2023]

The movie takes you on a visually stunning journey into a grim and captivating universe. The world building is masterful, showcasing a darkly mesmerizing aesthetic that lingers in the mind. The antagonist is undeniably creepy, perhaps a little too much, leaving a lasting impression.

However, it suffers from a plodding pace, making its already lengthy runtime feel outright frustrating. Little plot there is resembles a Swiss cheese, riddled with holes from top to the very bottom. Being otherwise predictable and taking no risks, it lacks tension.

The cast of characters is disappointingly uninteresting, only allegedly smart, and their scarcity adds to the film's shortcomings. Ultimately, while the stage is rich in detail, it feels uninhabited and purposeless.

Dungeons & Dragons: Honor Among Thieves (2023)

Raisins in a cheesecake

[7/10 · 3 May 2023]

The visuals are amazing, the adherence to the source material / playstyle is better than expected, and the occasional humor is fun... but it stupefies me just how inane the plot's fundamentals are. Relevant information omitted from conversations for no reason. Irrational child oscillating between respecting and not respecting a close friend's word whenever it's convenient. Confusingly pointless inconsistencies like "it'll be easy, they'll be looking to keep things OUT, not IN" and then immediately, effortlessly doing things that would enable both. Then the villain killing their own mooks because they "failed", yet acting honorable later.

Easily avoidable kinds of bad writing. Because otherwise the story is fine, if somewhat predictable. Just, why?

Why put these raisins in?

The Monkey's Paw (I) (2013)

Genie Semetary

[4/10 · 19 April 2023]

It explicitly adheres to the original concept in a backstory one of the characters provides us, but the actual movie shows nothing but a generic genie-driven slasher. The writers didn't quite understand the trope, even though you can tell they made an attempt by at least drawing plenty of elements from the story.

The writing is uneven, showing promise tainted with predictably poor key scenes, including the very typical ending for horror. Unconvincing acting from Thomason as the protagonist doesn't help, but the antagonist's portrayal is surprisingly entertaining.

I wish it was something more.

The Magicians (2015–2020)

Unbearable

[1/10 · 20 March 2023]

I thought I'm missing out on something pretty great when I saw the scores and the description. Already planned to binge season 1, and maybe the other 4. I barely finished the first episode. Why?

Because the whole thing appears to be targeted to kids, despite having elements (like bloody self-harm, and the easily predictable sheer amount of sex, including rape) that clearly make it unsuitable. The universe, plot, characters, including the villain, are such two-dimensional clichés, I was absolutely sure this CANNOT be it until the very end.

And yet it was. Worse even, my favorite character seems to have... quit the show in the meantime, so to say, though if the show has literally any dignity left it won't be permanent.

But it's so unbearable to watch that I will never find out.

Bonus, the writers 100% have rape fantasies, and I want none of that.

Top Gun: Maverick (2022)

150%

[2/10 · 11 September 2022]

I watched this movie at 150% speed, increasing every time pacing felt off. And it was still slow.

The message seems to be: even old "planes" can still perform.

Almost as if it was made for older conservative American males.

When you consider that, and it sure continues the Top Gun tradition, it checks all the boxes: token/trophy women, machismo, utterly faceless antagonist posing a vague nuclear "threat", utterly silly numbers going brrr (Mach 10, 9 G etc.), machismo, barebones plot laid out in detail in advance so to not shock the viewer, hostility towards novelty, military advertisement, and machismo.

At least the airplanes aren't CGI, mostly, allegedly.

The Man from Toronto (2022)

Painfully embarrassing

[1/10 · 4 August 2022]

If you like the apparently single movie Kevin Hart can make and keeps making over and over, maybe you'll enjoy this.

Personally, I don't. I wasn't sure what I'm going into, and despite seeing him, I decided to give it a chance. Maybe he made something different this time?

But no. The same plot, tons of second hand embarrassment, inane characters, bad acting, as usual. I really wish there was more to it.

The Legend of Vox Machina (2022– )

Critical Role without the pretense

[9/10 · 20 February 2022]

Do you like the TTRPG vibe and storytelling method? The distinctive way the protagonists are introduced and their backstories intertwine with the plot? The tropes and stereotypes of DnD, as well as this unshakable feeling characters have an OOC train of thought?

Hate how Critical Role is bloated with the pretend rolling, too much TT and not enough RP?

This is the show for you. No people sitting around a table, only their fantasy.

Well animated, too.

Nobody (I) (2021)

Blatant ripoff, must watch

[9/10 · 16 February 2022]

This is what you get when you mix in John Wick with Equalizer. Stir well. Add a cherry on top. Et voilà, an action masterpiece.

It's not some writing epic, it definitely has many flaws overall. But it's just so fun it's silly. Given what I expected it to provide, it's nigh perfect.

The King's Man (2021)

A slap in the face

[4/10 · 9 February 2022]

Pretty much the whole plot is employed to create gotchas, hooks to attach the franchise to entirely too many pseudo-historical characters and events. The pacing issues this produces are crippling. Whatever remains dribbles the stupid ball like it's NBA.

Both protagonists' and villains' motivations and actions are a mess. While rationally no one should root for any extrajudical bourgeoisie death squad, this movie fails to make you forget so you can fully enjoy the show.

At least the turtle really can dance.

Next Gen (I) (2018)

Cliché and uneven

[2/10 · 8 February 2022]

I can't even count how many times this story has been recycled. Any semi-original twist undermines the value of the story. I expected nothing but a cheap knockoff of Big Hero 6, Iron Giant, I, Robot and/or The Mitchells vs. The Machines, but I was still disappointed. The bleeped out swear words are just a cherry cringe on top.

Finally, while the movie's message didn't teach me greed is the problem, it did tell me abandonment and excessive violence are the solution.

Hmm.

Skyline (2010)

Shamefully underrated

[8/10 · 21 January 2022]

It saddens me how people expect this to have Shakespearean lines, when all it wanted to be, and achieves splendidly, was to be a cool alien invasion movie.

I very rarely rewatch anything, but once again I find myself having fun, experiencing dread, and enjoying the thrill.

The cataclysm looks pretty great, too, and the plot subverts some of the most overused alien invasion tropes to make it refreshing.

Some people say the ending doesn't make sense. I admit it's pretty cliché, but doesn't come from nowhere and is satisfying. How could one actually not understand it is incomprehensible, unless someone didn't actually watch the movie. It's not brain surgery ;)

Eternals (2021)

Confoundingly bad made worse with every apparent fix

[3/10 · 14 January 2022]

I don't even know where to begin on this one-it's just sad how such interesting and inclusive cast, great design and ideas, interesting (if strangely familiar) heroes, monumental budget and 2 and a half hours were all thoroughly and completely wasted.

Every minute I had hopes, thinking so many exciting outcomes could follow, and they just didn't. Amateurish exposition might be the worst offender, and wooden performances and useless distractions form plot-including an otherwise good antagonist and frustratingly unsatisfying fights-don't help in the slightest. Jarring special effects failures during these ruined otherwise fantastic visuals, too.

A lot of it is just people standing around and not knowing what to do, but instead projecting their internal struggles it's just boring. Many of the 156 total minutes were spent on just that. At least the title is accurate.

My goodness, how I would love this movie if the characters acted like they actually lived for thousands of years, growing and making decisions, suffering the consequences. Developing, you know, character. How I would enjoy a flashback scene to the ancient past, metaphorical of the struggle with Mahd Wy'ry. I would melt if the aforementioned antagonist was made to tap into a Celestial, or really used for... anything.

There is so much potential within.

Instead we get bumbling, confused dimwits, all in love with or hating each other and you're told to care without showing or even telling why, endowed with powers they clearly never even learned to use, demonstrating Brownian behavior.

And a stupefyingly boring movie.

Alien: Battlefield Earth (2021)

This place is not a place of honor

[1/10 · 8 January 2022]

I approached this movie thinking "it can't really be that bad, can it?" No. No, it's way worse, and then some.

It's just a lot of disjointed stock and public footage (including recent anti-vax protests mentioning real people's names), repeated several times to make the movie longer, literal Zoom calls, and below-modern video game renders with I can only guess a collection of random 3D assets one of the creators just happened to have. I cannot shake the feeling some of the renders are just stolen, due to how inconsistent the assets and even framerates are.

I would hope seeing a buff alien in a wheelchair, Latin symbols on alien devices, and a goddamn dragon all within 5 minutes would be at least strange enough to be funny, but no.

Text-to-Speech is used for a LOT of dialogue. Human actors are occasionally worse.

Writing is pretentious and cliché as one would expect. Racist, too, which is ironic and sad given the plot.

It's so bad it crosses "so bad it's good" at near light speed, rams into "bad again" and then drills in the bottom for an hour until it reaches a long time nuclear waste storage facility. You've been warned.

Venom: Let There Be Carnage (2021)

Chaotic, yet basic

[3/10 · 15 December 2021]

It had some good moments, mostly Venom itself. Mostly at the club. That scene alone earned the whole movie an extra star or two.

But in general the tonal changes kept giving me whiplash, and everything is so riddled with clichés at least one of them gained self-awareness. And not really in a good way.

MacGyver (2016–2021)

This is not my Mac.

[2/10 · 6 December 2021]

They turned my boy into an arrogant jerk, made him into an annoying narrator, added NCIS hacking scenes, clichés, bad dialogue, shallow characters, childish comedy bits, cheerful music while the protagonists are being shot at and jokes while a character is dying... at them dying, causing them to come closer to death. The entire thing is not nearly as suspenseful, memorable, intelligent as the original. It's almost a parody.

I'd think it's for kids, but there's also sex to fuel a cliché.

So, who is this for? Definitely not MacGyver fans...

No Time to Die (2021)

Goofy and slow

[6/10 · 10 November 2021]

The action plot is significantly goofier than usual, same with the cartoonish villains. It feels like this part went back in time 50 years. At the same time, it tries to take itself completely seriously with the romantic plot.

At least execution of both is pretty good, if intertwined with about 45 minutes of pacing problems. Great gadgets, too.

Shame the other 007 does ultimately very little, but I liked their interactions, if clichéd.

Overall, I expected something more memorable. The best stuff here is the prologue...

The Suicide Squad (2021)

Unlike 2016

[8/10 · 1 September 2021]

I disliked a lot about Suicide Squad 2016, as perhaps most people. This one has little to do with it and doesn't make the same mistakes. Most importantly, it doesn't try to be serious. How could it be with such a cast? No cringy Leto Joker, either! Cute rats. Sympathetic villain. Great colorful action flick.

Lupin (2021– )

Treats its audience as dimwits

[3/10 · 8 August 2021]

Clearly a spiritual successor to BBC Sherlock (2010), its strategic use of plot holes and deus ex machinas is meant to create a sense of genius, meticulous planning and thrill.

It fails.

It instead makes everyone in the show except Lupin and Claire look mindbogglingly stupid, and he knows it, and also has magic, ninja skills, limitless supply of money, loyal conspirators, and... Twitter followers.

We are told he is the underdog, but really isn't. He seems a petty terrorist with a serial-killer-like obsessions. Since he has no problem with committing violent crimes (and more happening to innocentshe implicates), it's simply jarring he willingly spares the one villain from it. Who's supposed to relate? What?

Like in Sherlock by the very end, it falls apart. Just much, much quicker.