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TheInevitableHulk
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The Manson Family Massacre (2019)
The South Wales Knife Massacre
The worst kind of exploitation.
Andrew Jones is rivaling Johannes Roberts for the worst British Horror film director crown and his exploitative eye and sheer proliferation means he is winning the fight.
A keen eye, Jones probably saw that Tarantino was making a Manson movie (or at least a film that featured Manson) and made his own.
A tenuous 90s story, lifted from Trent Reznor renting the famous address at Cielo Drive to record in, binds together a haphazard story about evil spirits and negative energy. Flashbacks aplenty allow for a scenery chewer to shout in a Manson beard at people equally poorly cast.
Nothing of the cult, the charisma and complex entanglements of hatred nor the complexities of what need Manson filled in his followers is investigated.
It is about stabbings, and when they come they are...well, hilarious...and that is in-spite of it actually having happened to various people in real life. The acting is so low grade, the framing and composition of shot so botched that the moments of violence create nothing but snigger.
As with all horror hacks the director plunders the classics, the Texas Chainsaw camera snap and whine are stolen here and used without real thought.
As with most sub-generic smut based on true crime there is a coda that features a re-telling of the outcome of the events shown, but the pinnacle of bad taste is the 'tribute' pictures of the actual victims that ends the credit sequence - this is a tribute to no-one.
Something so cynical cannot be.
While I have many issues with Once Upon A Time In Hollywood at least the title belies the construction, it is a fairy tale that offers the representations of the victims a happy ending after of years of myth making and counter myth. That is doing something different with a story re-told and re-told. This holds no lofty goals rather it appears to scramble for a few dollars falling from the Tarantino tree.
Andrew Jones is to be admired in many ways, he has cultivated a career for himself that few others have but quality seems very low on his list of concerns.
One positive - it is much better than 'Bundy and the Green River Killer', truly one of the worst films ever made.
The Stepfather (2009)
Reasonable re-make that is, perhaps, less fun
Well acted, well made (if a little by the numbers) re-make of a bottom rung, violently camp original 'Slasher'.
Far more serious in tone and without the arch elements of central performance. There are a couple of points that remain in the memory.
Firstly, the very leary and languorous shooting and framing of Amber Heard, she always seems to be in a bikini and the camera is always focusing on some very deliberate physical movements and shots that emphasise her body.
Secondly (and easily the scariest part of the entire package) is the awful cover of 'Happy Together' (butchered by Filter) that plays over the end credits. Appalling as any murder.
Snuff: A Documentary About Killing on Camera (2008)
Cretinous 'documentary'
When someone describes 'Bowling for Columbine' as a snuff movie to 'all intents and purposes' you are dealing with something that grazes the top of a subject that deserves more honest and in depth inspection.
Ironically, the same contributor sings the praises of the book 'Killing For Culture'. Start with Kerekes' book and see the worthlessness of this opinion piece.
The Jesus Rolls (2019)
No Bowling, No Dice
This is a strange one.
Many are saying that if you go in with expectations you'll be disappointed, the fact 'The Jesus' has been placed in this strange brew encourages and stokes those expectations and it is naive to think it wouldn't.
A remake with an existing character thrown in (from a beloved cult movie no less) and the only reference to the characters origins are to unpick a troublesome character detail and send him out on the road.
Passable, modestly funny in places but grindingly and conspicuously zany most of the time.
Couple this with Turturro's 'Fading Gigolo' and a pattern might be emerging about the director's desire to place himself in roles where he can direct Vanessa Paradise, Sharon Stone and now Audrey Tautou to find him irresistible.
At best a mildly diverting film you'll likely dismiss at worst an unnecessary annex to the Lebowski myth that could easily have been made with no connection to it.
Moribund.
Lesbian Vampire Killers (2009)
Someone saw Shaun of the Dead...
...and managed to make a film containing none of the wit, flair or understanding of genre let alone any understanding of British Horror history and its tropes.
Cordon is interminable as the 'wise-cracking' oafish best mate. The belief of some that he is charming or funny is baffling.
An astounding misfire that has no interest in anything other than the bawdy and ladish.
Heat Vision and Jack (1999)
Got here via Harmontown
One definition of Arch -
2a: MISCHIEVOUS, SAUCY
b: marked by a deliberate and often forced playfulness, irony, or impudence
c:Heat Vision and Jack
ID2: Shadwell Army (2016)
As a Brit I would love...
...to see two sub-genres disappear into the mist of time.
The 'Geezer-Geezer-have-aword-wiv-yerself-Gangster film'
and the
'Isn't Football Violence Terrible? let's wallow in some film'
ID2 is a waste of digital space, making no useful contribution.
It is a wonderful example, however, of the 10/10 IMDB review from users who mysteriously only feel the need to join the site and review one film in their lives. Strange.
Perhaps DVDs and BluRays should credit these people on the crew list, y'know in the interest of transparent.
A Day of Violence (2010)
Don't forget your...map
Hilarious, raucous, hyper 'masculine' non-sense.
Made for less than a DVD rental price but, ironically, not worth the price of entry.
Credit for making it, less credit for the end product.
The most savage, debasing element of this flaccid, severed member is it's understanding of Southampton's geography.
Shirley High Street isn't that long.
Darkhunters (2004)
Dark-Munter
This is a terrible movie on every possible level.
Stephen King's shredder has been pilfered for this bottom rung genre pap.
John Carpenter would be rolling in his grave if he were dead, seeing this might kill him.
Bogart gets a super-natural cameo through the hilarious Jeff Fahey.
Pinion screams at cats
I have seen some utter flaps in my time but this is the lowest hangings.
WTF! (2017)
In the pantheon of terrible stoner characters...
The stoner dudes in this movie are a new league of low. Dude.
Killer Net (1998)
Love that Media Studies project stylee
This is even more 90s than living through the decade.