Apologetickid Reviews

The Human Centipede (First Sequence) (2009)

Everyone involved should be ashamed

[1/10 · 23 November 2010]

I'm not a prude. I swear I'm not! I believe there is a place in film for violence, eroticism, language, and gore. But I'm also not afraid to call a spade a spade and point out filth where I see it. There is so much garbage in the world today. You don't have to watch a horror film to be horrified. Just turn on the news. And then someone goes and makes a film like this. A film with absolutely no redeeming value whatsoever. A film whose plot is entirely based on someone's off color joke about a suitable punishment for sex offenders (this is true. Read the Wikipedia article). A despicable piece of garbage which makes you wonder how someone who would want to make a film like this could ever be offered a camera with which to film it. The concept of the film is neither interesting nor creative. It's just gross. And "gross" should never be a reason to make a film. Good entertainment, in my opinion, should either enlighten or encourage. Even dark films or horror films have the ability to enlighten. But Human Centipede does nothing worth mentioning in a positive manner. It's just trash. Pure absolute filth. Beyond the shock factor, lies a lackluster film with crappy acting and ridiculous dialog. You don't care about the characters because there is no background for which to care. The filmmakers here failed at every aspect of their craft. Do yourself a favor and do not watch this film. In fact, if you ever meet me, please punch me in the face. I deserve it for having stupidly sat through this deplorable piece of rubbish.

Stoic (2009)

Uwe Boll Proves His Inability to Chose a Film-Worthy Story

[2/10 · 13 June 2010]

I watched two Uwe Boll movies in the past 24 hours (the other being Rampage) most primarily because they were both available for free streaming through Netflix as a result of their direct-to-video release (which is not a good sign). Let me say, unequivocally that Uwe Boll should never be allowed to direct another film. Period! He has besmirched the good names of countless video game franchises, and now he has taken a stab at a serious story. Prison movies have a knack for being easy home-runs for directors (see Shawshank Redemption, Escape from Alcatraz, American History X, The Green Mile, etc.) But somehow, Boll has ineptly chosen a story which relies almost entirely on shock-value to upset the viewer into thinking they have watched something of substance. At its best the film is ridiculous, and at its worst it borders on "gore porn." By the way, where the heck are the prison guards? I have a friend or two who have spent some time in lock-up, and they've informed me that it's nearly impossible to pick your nose without a C.O. peeking in on you. The idea that these guys somehow turned their cell into a 10 hour non-stop torture oasis is laughable. It just couldn't happen. The story makes no sense. There are an infinite number of bad stories out there, but only a handful of directors incompetent enough to think of making one into a movie. The reason this film gets two stars rather than one is because Edward Furlong reminds me of his hey-day in T2: Judgment Day. That, and that alone, is the redeeming factor in this film.

World's Greatest Dad (I) (2009)

Netflix lists this as a "comedy". Um...no.

[4/10 · 23 January 2010]

This movie was horrific. The best part of this movie was when my cat took a dump and it smelled up the apartment. Because at least that made me laugh. I somehow this movie got listed as a "comedy" on Netflix. It is far from comedic. It's not funny, and not really very good. It's nice and sad, which will play into your emotions, but it's also ridiculously vulgar (generally unnecessarily so). It's interesting to see someone approach the idea of the glorification of the dead. Sometimes you hear a eulogy for someone and you have to go, "Hmm...this person was actually a jerk in reality. Why are people saying such nice things about them." But beyond that, this film is dry, dirty, and bland. I don't recommend it.

Terminator Salvation (2009)

Good action movie. Not up to the "Terminator" standard.

[7/10 · 21 May 2009]

OK, So T2 is my favorite movie of all time, so naturally I was excited to see that a fourth installment was being delivered. The trailer was enough to get me Fandangoing my tickets. And that is just about as far as my delight got. Here's the thing: the movie isn't bad...as an action movie. But the Terminator franchise goes beyond "action movie". The Terminator story is sci-fi gold. It's almost as if the writers didn't fully appreciate the mythology of the Terminator series. As far as the film itself goes, the visual effects are well done, and the acting/directing isn't horrible. But the story lacks the mental "kick-in-the-balls" that came along with the other Terminators. So much more could have been done with the relationship between John Connor and Kyle Reese. The writers really missed an opportunity to develop a strangely sentimental father/son relationship. I am reluctant to give this movie anything more than 6 stars, but because it is now part of the Terminator canon, I'll throw an extra star in there. See this movie, but don't expect the ground-breaking visuals or mind-bending sci-fi that were present in the previous installments.

Knowing (2009)

Believe it or not, it was actually pretty good!

[8/10 · 22 March 2009]

I went into this film with low expectations, and subsequently, I was pleasantly surprised! The acting was mediocre, (particularly the kids) but the story was interesting and engaging. The action sequences were surreal. There was one scene in particular that left me breathless and awestruck at the realism of a horrific disaster. Terrifying. The story was not terribly unique, but moved along at an appropriate pace, and I found myself peeking around for clues and allusions. The story loosely follows some sort of Biblical story, and although I studied Bible in college, I was uncertain as to what some these allusions referred to (particularly the very last scene). Anyhow, all around a pretty decent film. Check it out if you have a chance.

Funny Games (2007)

Uh...what?

[3/10 · 16 March 2008]

I don't really know what to say. I heard that this movie was supposed to be about middle class America's blood lust, but I feel like that message was lost in translation. In fact, I wouldn't have gathered that if I hadn't heard Naomi Watts talking about it on Jay Leno. Without that information, this film is an incoherent, painfully dry, underdeveloped "indie" film. The characters seem to have little or no motivation. The motivation for the kids who are doing the killing is never explained, the parents seem suspiciously undisturbed when their son gets killed, and a number of pivotal explanations are missing (such as where the boys came from, why they did what they did, etc.) Also, there is that weird scene with the remote where Paul rewinds time. He rewinds time! Umm...what? Suddenly the films "Ransom" and "Click" collide in a painfully inexplicable turn of events. Also, Paul periodically speaks to the camera for no apparent reason.

I say "no apparent reason" because there is a reason, it just isn't made apparent. The reason is to remind the audience that they are participating in the gore by merely viewing it. But that is never made clear, and it comes of as just seeming weird and out of place.

Is this movie disturbing? Yep. Will it cause you to feel uncomfortable and squirm in your seat? Yeah, probably. But it's not good. In fact, it's so not good that I am currently at home watching "The Rock" with Nicholas Cage in an effort to forget what I just saw. Let me restate that: I am watching "The Rock"! When you have to watch a film like "The Rock" in order to purify yourself from what you've just seen, well...it probably wasn't very good.

Wassup Rockers (2005)

Incredible commentary on race, age, classism, sex, and youth

[9/10 · 27 May 2007]

I work with youth in Los Angeles, and Wassup Rockers is probably the most accurate non-documentary depiction I have ever seen of LA youth on film. Granted, the "acting" is choppy as it clearly jumps between the kids being themselves, and then saying scripted lines. But the characters are real. The most poignant point of the film was that murders are taking place in impoverished neighborhoods just a short bus ride away from the multi-million dollar homes and cushy lifestyles of Beverly Hills. The story was weak and lacked fluidity, but the reality of the characters made up for it twofold. With the exception of the "preppy" kids, who seemed a bit forced, the characters are all spot on for how LA kids today truly are. And the graphic descriptions of sexuality are not exaggerations. If you want to know exactly what the inner-city youth look like today, look no further than Wassup Rockers. This film is a must see for anyone who intends to work with kids, especially in an urban environment.

Dante's Inferno (2007)

Innovative take on a literary classic. Well done!

[9/10 · 22 April 2007]

I saw this film at the Huntington Beach Film Festival in April 2007, and I loved it! Sandow Birk has an amazing ability to modernize classics, and his adaptation of the Divine Comedy is a prime example. I was delighted to see that he still isn't afraid to use popular culture in his work (as evidenced by the many food chains displayed blatantly in the background sets). Anyone could have made a half-decent film adaptation of the Inferno, but Birk and his crew went above and beyond to display innovation and creativity. I've never seen a puppet show on film, but this film manages to employ humor with a modern twist, without sacrificing the details of Dante's work. Really well done. Granted, this film will not please all audiences and I would be surprised to see it anywhere other than indie-theaters or film fests, but if you have an opportunity to see this, take it!

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)

BIAS WARNING: This movie sucks

[1/10 · 15 May 2006]

Yea, so I actually saw this movie a long time ago in the theaters with my friends, and they're all really smart and stuff, and they're all into film and junk. I mean, I like a good movie just as much as the next guy, but...this movie just sucked. The relationship between Carey and Winslet was so incredibly unbelievable that I wanted to vomit with rage at the mere thought that anyone would actually buy it. It's late right now, and I'm tired, so this isn't going to sound very intelligent, but I have never wanted to leave a movie so bad in my entire life. This film caused me physical discomfort to sit and watch. Not only because it was so bad, but more so because the people I was watching it with were so into it. Some people seriously think this film is gospel. I think this film is crap. Doesn't make sense, isn't believable, is impossible to follow, and will only cause people to tell you how great it is despite the fact that they have no idea what is going on.

Silent Hill (2006)

Big disappointment

[3/10 · 22 April 2006]

I've been a loyal S.H. player since the 1st game on PS1, so naturally I was stoked to hear that they had made a film version of one of the most amazing horror/action games ever made. Unfortunately, the film did not live up to the video game. The plot was weak at best, and the characters were intensely unbelievable. The plot seemed to drag on for days, and did not reward the patient audience with a satisfying resolution. The filmmakers seemed to have it in mind to stick as close to the video game as possible. This, however, may have been one of their downfalls. The film contained so much running around and item grabbing, that the plot was left to trail behind the meaningless action. The redeeming quality, however, is that it is interesting to see a director's take on a truly amazing video game. The makeup/special effects were pretty stunning at times as well. But this was not enough to salvage another victim of the video game/film crossover. I'm deeply disappointed.