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Meg 2: The Trench (2023)
Meg, then Meg 2, hopefully in the near future, Meg Three-wheheeeeeey, LOVED IT!
To those that rate this film 2 or 3 out of 10, I think you picked the wrong film for your supposed intellect. What's you expecting to watch War and Peace, The Great Expectations, or Dull and Dullenheimer?
In future, please review movies that meet your intellect, and leave the escapism reviews to us brainless zombeavers!
Without giving too much away, this film is basically Jason Statham once again having a close-up and personal face-off against histories biggest shark(s), and giving it his all, in a slightly hammed up way, (this kid CAN do comedy) whilst being superbly supported by a fantastic cast that includes, Jing Wu, Fear The Walking Dead's Chris Curtis, teen actress, Sophia Cai, and many others, including the main bad guy, and piece of s*** from Rambo: Last Blood, Sergio Peris-Mencheta, who, once again revels in that type of role, and also adds unexpected crying.
What a big and bad baby?
And, that finally brings me back to the BIG money movie that 'stole' the idea, or rather, paid homage to some Asylum Pictures films, and made them even more watchable and enjoyable, because The Meg movies 'franchise' seems to be following a trend, in my eyes, and after watching The Meg 2, it could, and quite satisfyingly go.un a multi-verse of directions...
... Statham v a GIANT SHARK, a GIANT APE, and GIANT LIZARD, or having Jason Statham pilot the Mecha-lodon against the historical behemoth, or even leading the Expendabl5's team against the new global warlords?
If you leave your brains in the fruit bowl, along with you're car keys, (you sly dogs), and just sit back and watch two hours of a fantastically enjoyable romp.
Oh, and by the way, if I didn't already say it, what a fantastic piece of clever mindlessness from Ben Wheatley?
MORE,MORE, MORE, please!
Samaritan (2022)
If it was possible to give this a star for every years of Stallone's life for this film, I would have done.
76 out of 10!
You can take the boy out of Philadelphia, you take take the Philly out of Philly, fast forward 50 years, put the 'old' boy back in Philly, and replace Philly with Grinder City, give the old chap some superhuman powers, and as long as it is Sylvester Stallone playing the Septuagenarian, and you have the most absurd sound superhero movie, ever, but, boy does it all come together.
I may be biased, because I love almost everything Stallone's me has done, but this movie is awesome, do much so, that when it finished, I was absolutely gutted, because I will never experience the sheer joy of watching this movie for the first time ever again!
I really don't think anyone, even 20+ years younger than Stallone pulling this off as effortlessly as the megastar does.
I won't give too much away, but if your expecting Avengers Assemble, Av:Age of Ultron, Av:Infinity, or Av:Endgame, get a grip of yourself, this is a 75 year old man playing a 75 year old man, but the star or the characters are not your everyday 75 year old men.
It's funny, because as the film was starting, and you see Sylvester 'Joe Smith' walking to work or riding the bus in the gritty reality of Grinder City, you are immediately taken in a time-machine to ALMOST FIFTY years ago, and you expect people around him to start calling out: "Yo' Rocky", and for him to start pounding the streets, pounding the dead cow carcasses, smashing up fighters, and finding "Yo' Adrian" in the pet store.
Unlike many other actors, no-one could make Samaritan work quite so convincingly as Sly S.
He switches going from the old man passing the time, and knocking on deaths door, to an almost invincible 'superman' with so much panache and ease, it is so hard to forget he is his age, he is exceptional in this movie, so to are the supporting cast of young Sam (Javon Wilson), and protagonist, Edwin (Pilou Asbæk) amongst others.
This film shouldn't work, but it does on every level.
It has the struggling society, and those that live within it, it has the human story, it has grit, it has the relatability to many people who just want the ordinary life, but are pulled from their comfort zone and forced into doing something extraordinary, it has emotion, drama, some comedic moments, and action by the bucket-load once it kicks in, which isn't very long, believe me.
(The action set-pieces are so amazing and believable, I almost found myself have Stallone's babies while watching it, and I am not a female!)
Another us point is that Samaritan is a superhero movie with very, very little back-story, the only back-story moments are played in the first two minutes, and then again by other characters explaining it, or seeing it in a Joe ith dream segment.
It's just a crying shame that with Mr Stallone's advancing years, that a sequel is very, very unlikely, but I have seen his fitness routines, and, if anyone can do this gig at 78-80 years old, it is he.
Again, the best thing I can say about Samaritan, is that when it was finished, I was devastated, because I'll never be able to watch it as a Samaritan virgin ever again, and that I am so envious of those of you that haven't seen it yet. GRAB THE POPCORN, THE BEERS or THE SMOKE'S, or THE ICE CREAM, TURN OFF THE LIGHTS, and SETTLE DOWN TO WATCH THIS AMAZING MOVIE.
And if anyone thinks I am going overboard on my review here, hopefully the first in IMDB, then you don't have a heart or soul!
Halloween Kills (2021)
AAA HAPPY HALLOWE'EN AGAIN... ...SUCKERS!
To all the haters, and the finicky moaners that whinge about Hallowe'en Kills, what the fudge are you doing watching it in the first place?
"Ooh, Micheal Myers isn't very woke, and he isn't killing people in a snow-flakery manner."
Finishing with...
"Aargh" bleurgh, puke and vomit, the delicate little flowers cry, as their grandparents are secretly poisoning them with a very slight and untraceable dose of arsenic on their cornflakes, and to those that think the Boogeyman isn't real?
He is everywhere, and we all make dumb mistakes that end up with us nestling in Myers' heaving bosom, watching some idiots making the wrong choices.
Please, don't get me wrong.
I am not complaining about characters making the wrong choices, because if not, these franchises wouldn't exist, and we wouldn't get the eye-popping, heart-screwing, brain-crushing relentless gore that we need to survive this horrific new world.
9/10
RIGHT, WHERE THE FU** IS HELLOWE'EN?
It's time for Pinny v Mikey!
Tian · Huo (2019)
It was never going to be a Dante's Peak, but it was bloody good fun.
For a start, Skyfire was never meant to be an Oscar winner, or a film that made you question the meaning of life, or even one that had you reaching for the tissues to dry your eyes.
But, what it was meant to do, was to allow you 90 minutes to just relax, to forget all the troubles of the world, and to let you enjoy one hell of a rollercoasting romp of a ride, that had, almost everything except the aforementioned qualities of a big budget movie.
Obviously, the world isn't China's biggest fan right now, but in these uncertain times, we have to be thankful for anything that makes us forget the bad stuff around us, and Skyfire dies just that.
Directed by Simon West, written by Wei Bu and Sidney King, and, more than ably acted by Xueqi Wang, Hannah Quinlivan, Shaun Do and Jason Isaacs, Skyfire dies exactly what it says on the tin.
With a thrill ride/leisure park set on the side of, and on top of an active volcano, an in-debt owner and his wife, and a bunch of K-pop boy/girl band lookalikes attempting to flee the 'said' erupting volcano by manner of all sorts of vehicles and directions, and with CGI that would not look our if place in a Hollywood movie, Skyfire didn't disappoint one bit.
Just leave your brain at the door, engage your heart into it's action parameters, and then just enjoy the ride.
It's crazy, awesome and fun!
Brightburn (2019)
Who's a naughty Superboy, then? OMG, just what we've been waiting gore!
So many people had written rubbish reviews for this movie, but I can't think why?
I don't want to over excite you, but if you're a fan of the Superman story, if you like great acting, direction and horror, if you like blood and crazy s**t, then you HAVE TO WATCH BRIGHTBURN.
Some of the rubbish reviews have been written by proper film critics, and they are paid to criticise films, I am not.
They are all writing after watching years and years and years of Superman, their little brains could not comprehend what Brightburn has done to the Superman legacy, it has enhanced it!
Forgot Steppen, Steffen, er, um, no it's gone, it was so rubbish in Justice League - not the Snyder cut, I'm excited - after watching this movie, imagine the newly re-invested applomb of Henry Cavill facing off against a grown up Brightburn?
It would be the end of days.
I hope this helps?
Ash
It Came from the Desert (2017)
I want to watch THIS ant eating Dec on BGT, that would be a golden buzzer moment!!
A this time, I'm only five minutes in to a cheap B-movie, and the desert monsters are much more believable than Donald Trump's hairpiece.
A couple of minutes later, a fat 'Edge' - or in this case, the Edge-Radicator - shoots up a Class of Nuke 'em high type zombie, with a teenage geek lusting over him.
It's ay-ok so far....
.... A trip into the desert with some chums, a party, a film crew, and the Edge-Radicator? What a handsome time?
Twenty minutes in, this party has gotten a little deflated, much like a shopper cushion has been sat on by a massive fattie...
... It's just been two floppy faired whiney brothers, and a token hottie so far...
... Lots of the brothers saying "dude", but nowhere near Bill And Ted worthy...
... Plus a "rad"?
Who says 'rad' unless they're in a 90's episode of Neighbours?
Then a man gets knees in the balls and ends up sounding like a cross between Warwick Davis and a Teletubby...
... A lot of use of words like 'nancy' and 'gaylord' ( don't watch if you're a snowflake, you'll have an aneurism, a stroke, a heart attack, and a desire to write your anger)...
.... Oh, it gets better, now the guys are 'chicks', it's SO EIGHTIES...
... Then the nostalgic music begins, do too does the party...
Sorry, the space ants weren't invited, but they're crashing this s**t.
FXCK YOU, ITS A B-MOVIE, it's not the best, but it's not, by a million miles, the worst.
If there's nothing on, and you come across this movie, it's worth watching with company, a beer, wine, cider, spirit, and joint.
You'll love it!
Pride and Prejudice and Zombies (2016)
5.8? Are you joking?
10 out of 10, out of 10 out of 10!
I was so sceptical about watching this movie because of the reviews.
Some sad it was poorly thought-out, executed and acted.
What an absolute joke of a waste of their time reviewing this film?
Everything was on point...
... The locations, the premise, the script, the actors, everything was A-ok for a period zombie horror.
The acting was immense as well, with Matt Smith having a believable accent for a change, and the chemistry between Lily James and Sam Riley was electric.
Everything, everyone, and every snsl played their part in an horrifically beautiful story.
I bloody loved it, and you will too!
The Voices (2014)
If you have a date with the office hottie, don't tell the whiskered one!
How have reviewers rated this 1,2, or 3 stars? OMG, The Voices is 10's across the board, all day long.
It is a movie about a serial-killer, but it is not dark or brooding for the most part, it is colourful and cheery, it is full of pink and fluffiness, it has a "talking cat, dog, goldfish, and another, it is full of happiness and light, so much so that you could think that I was talking about a film of a man finishing off his breakfast, but no, we are not talking about a cereal-killer here!
There are many ways this film stands out from the rest, from its story to its direction, to its, well, everything before it.
The performances of Reynolds, Arterton and Kendrick are all fantastic, but the film is made possible by the furry ones, and Reynolds' ability to diversify his voice, and make it believable.
THIS IS A 10/10 FILM, no question, watch it, it will be the first movie about a serial-killer to leave you feeling all warm and fluffy inside!
I just watched it again, and I love the human side of Deadpool.
Howl (2015)
Howl is a new kind of scare-fest, it scared me sweaty!
I read reviews about Howl that gave 2 out of 10, how is that possible?
Were you watching the same film as I did?
I found it genuinely scary, it kept me on the edge of my seat, and bearing in mind, I have stayed away from this genre since Dog Soldiers, It was a howling surprise to watch this Bloody Brilliant Brit-flick, after some - very - negative reactions. It had everything, night, rain, suspense, and death.
It is a true British horror film in every sense. I recommend this film as a 'must watch', and as a future 'cult' favourite. A howling success! Ash