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m-j-mooney
Reviews
The Touch (1971)
Did Bergman really put his name to this?
Bloody hell, that was bad. I love most Bergman films, but this was shocking. I lay most of the blame with Elliott Gould. Admittedly, he was dealing with a dreadful script, but he took wooden recitation to new lows. To be fair, the Swedish actors made a far better fist of the risible script, considering that they were using a second language (raising my rating from one star to two). This verges on a Monty Python parody at times - watch it and chortle.
Merlin (2008)
Unbelievably awful
Seven point eight average? REALLY??? I cannot begin to describe how much I hate this. OK, I know, it's aimed at kids. But I pity the kids. The whole Arthur/Merlin/Guinnevere/Round Table hokum has been done many, many times, and it CAN be fun, inspiring, thought-provoking, allegorical, etc., etc.
Here, for the first time, they have plumbed new shallows of crassness. Yes, it's the chav Arthur.
So, Victor Meldrew (sorry, "Gaius") is like "There's a sword in the stone", and I'm like "Oh, right, yeah, that is so totally cool, yeah?" I laughed so much at the first episode, and confidently predicted it would get cancelled before any danger of a second series. How much I overestimated the BBC and the viewing public. It lives, gawdelpus.I suppose we should blame Harry Potter.
Oh well, it seems the Americans like it. Take it. Please, please, take it, and don't send it back.
The Ninth Gate (1999)
Laughable
Well, I was looking forward to this, as I'm a fan of both Johnny Depp and Roman Polanski. Polanski has done some awful clunkers, but I was hoping this would be of the quality of The Pianist (whis is, IMO, a masterpiece).
It started off intriguingly, with the opening credits and the U.S.-based scenes which set the plot up nicely.
But as soon as the action shifted to Europe, the wheels came off.
Suddenly we were plunged into what looked like a cross between "The DaVinci Code" and "Eyes Wide Shut" (two truly awful films in their own right), filtered through an old episode of "The Avengers", and done as a Hammer horror spoof. Only if Hammer had done it, they'd have made a better job of it (Christopher Lee and Ingrid Pitt would have been ideal in their heyday).
By the time of the closing scenes in the castle, the missus and I were laughing out loud, it was that bad. Still, things could be worse, it could have been an adaptation of the God-awful "The Shadow Of The Wind" (oh no, I said it, now it WILL happen!!!) I've given it four stars for the first twenty minutes, but I'm afraid the stars just bled away after that.