Vastarien202 Reviews

Legion (2010)

So, so bad!

[2/10 · 19 September 2010]

I had the misfortune of getting dragged to see this, and while it did leave an impression, it's a bad one. The two main issues I had with it are these: 1) Lazy sound editing! Note to studios, LOUD is not BETTER! The music and effects noises were at near-painful levels at all times, while the actors spent a good 75 percent of screen-time either whispering or seemingly mumbling. The next problem I had with it is that the film was almost too dark to see anything when the most important things were going on. The only thing I actually liked in this waste of celluloid was the old lady near the beginning....SHE was very well done, and almost scary. That said, just find the clip with her in it on Youtube, the rest isn't even worth renting.

Tatsu no ko Tarô (1979)

Truly magnificent!

[10/10 · 28 February 2010]

I saw this last night, and I was deeply, deeply moved. This film is pure gold, a drink of clear water after a day in the sun. This is a story of hope, love, sacrifice, and the true meaning of selflessness. This film does not need to resort to preachy-ness, its message is shown through the deeds of Taro and what he inspires others to do for themselves. The art style is very distinctive, and beautiful. The landscapes feel very real, and the characters fit well within their world. The music and songs are lovingly crafted, and the story will leave you smiling through tears. This was an incredible work of love, and it deserves to be seen again and again. There is some slight nudity, but only once, and nothing sexual. I can't praise this one highly enough. See it for yourself, and you will understand.

Twilight (I) (2008)

This is why the terrorists hate us

[1/10 · 16 January 2010]

What can I say about this movie? It's incredibly boring, like Edward, vapid and aimless with no imagination or emotion, like Bella, and an absolute chore to sit through. Frankly, I have seen five-year-olds with more acting ability and passion. This really is a vampire movie, because it sucks the life out of the audience and leaves you starving for actual talent. When I finished watching this, I immediately put in my old WWF tapes, so I could see some GOOD acting and plot. It's a sad commentary on us as a people when drivel like this becomes successful. I haven't subjected myself to the books because I don't want to be seen in public with them. The shame and anguish of having seen this movie was more than enough.

Fantastic Mr. Fox (2009)

Like pure liquid gold.

[8/10 · 13 January 2010]

I just finished watching this movie, and I must declare it...almost perfect. I love the animation style, the color choices, the almost-touchable textures, and thoroughly enjoyed the story itself. What didn't I like? Thankfully, there are very few things I disliked; but my major bone to pick was sadly one of the casting choices. For some reason (maybe I'm just too familiar with him), hearing George Clooney as Mr. Fox himself just didn't gel with me. I just couldn't accept this voice coming from that character, and it was rather hard not to see the person over the puppet. Perhaps if I was younger and had no real idea who Clooney was, it may have set better. In any case, that's really the only serious issue I had with the film itself. The story itself is nothing short of brilliant; it really does have something for everyone without being stupid. It's one of the few "family" films lately that has the 'nards to toss a bit of grimness and real darkness into the mix.

Mr. Fox's actions DO have very severe consequences, not only for his own family but everyone around him as well. The ending itself is rather ambiguous and somewhat poignant, which suits the tale well.

This is a rare and fleeting beauty of a film, see it while you can, and add it to your collection when it comes out.

2012 (I) (2009)

This movie makes Tango and Cash look like American History X

[3/10 · 6 December 2009]

As others have said before me, this film sucks. It sucks as an action film, it sucks as a drama, it sucks as a family film, and it sucks by existing. With that out of the way, the one thing thing it does well at is un-intentional comedy. I have never, and I mean never, laughed so hard in public. I was on board with the seriousness until I saw a subway train come hurtling out of the ground and barely miss a small plane. At that point, I literally laughed so hard, I actually sprinkled! I got lots of dirty looks from some of the other people in the showing, but I just could not take anything in this film seriously. It's one big joke from start to finish, and it's hilariously bad. Not one person ever acts believably, except for the incredibly annoying daughter. She shrieks and sulks her way through it all with amazing consistency, and I just wanted to shoot her in the face after five minutes. Speaking of mercy-killing, the black scientist is the next one I'd take out. (SPOILER ALERT!!!) Seriously, this man has zero concept of what "survival of the species" means. When he sees the room which has been prepared for him, he freaks out ans gasped "You could fit 10 people in here!" Yes,probably, but that's not the point. This moron would rather have an ark jammed with starving, disease-ridden humans instead of a few clean, healthy ones. He seems to think the human race would be better served by letting a huge, panicked crowd onto a ship which is literally minutes from launch. If I had been in charge of the mission, this man would have been shot in the head the moment he opened his mouth about what it means to be human. Next, I would have found the stow-aways and killed them too. The mission would run as planned, and no crap about selfless brotherhood would enter anyone's mind. I have to agree with the Joker when it comes to human nature: "These people are only five days from eating each other at any time." For proof of this, look at what happens in any area hit by disaster.

This movie wants us to think we would all put aside our differences and work to our mutual benefit. I call bull on that one. The secret program would be doomed from the start, because every nation would want to control who got on the ships and who didn't. In the end, the various governments would just start a massive nuclear war to kill most of the population off, and scrape whoever was left in the bunkers into the ships. That way, there would be close to zero competition for any remaining resources, and no question about who was in charge. (END SPOILER)

Seriously, this movie is great if you chuck your brain out the window and treat it as a comedy. If you do anything else, you will be sadly disappointed.

Trick 'r Treat (2007)

Perfectly Creepy!

[10/10 · 27 September 2009]

I can't believe that WB would just sit on this film! I saw it last night and was thrilled to be doing so, after waiting for it for two years. The style is a dead-on homage to classic 80's films Creepshow 1&2, while maintaining its own uniqueness. The effects are spot-on, the settings are gorgeous, and the costuming is excellent. The acting is no slouch either, and I loved the cameo by the "Bad Santa" kid in story 2. The film takes place over Halloween night, and is slit into four stories which interlock in unexpected ways. As mentioned before, each one has a creepy twist, and I won't spoil them here. This is an instant classic, and deserves to be seen by as many people as possible. I for one can't wait to own it, if it ever becomes possible. Remember kids, always check your candy!

Conan the Barbarian (1982)

Perfect.

[10/10 · 12 September 2009]

Conan is the first film I ever remember watching. We had it on laserdisc when I was young, and later on VHS and now I own it on DVD. This film has literally shaped my life and followed me as I grew up. I have no further praise to add, for others have posted more eloquently than I can manage. Simply, this is a story of revenge, redemption, freedom, power, and true strength. The score raises this film to true greatness, never wasting a note. No author yet has had such a faithful adaptation of his work, with perhaps the exception of the LOR trilogy. I only hope that this epic film never gets re-made, because it could never be so perfect again. It may be dated, the effects non-flashy, and the pace a bit slow, but it still speaks to many on a deeply personal level which can never be put into words. If you haven't seen it yet, do so. Tell your friends, and let them see it too.

Black Demons (1991)

Not great, but OK

[5/10 · 12 September 2009]

I'm pleased to add this little Cubic Zirconia to my collection of gems. The plot is almost non-existent, the characters incredibly one-dimensional, but despite that, it was a good effort. It was obvious that at least some research on Candomble was done, and the ritual scene was amazingly well-crafted. The "Black Demons" themselves had great make-up, and the few gory scenes there were left little to be desired. Now, we come to the meat of it all: the acting. In a word, terrible. This isn't a film to be taken seriously anyway, but the unintentional comedy is everywhere. From accents that randomly disappear, accents too thick to understand, and the eye-bulging freak-outs of the maid, this is one film that's worth seeing in spite of itself. Get some friends together,pop this in, and have some laughs.

Pontypool (2008)

Wow!

[9/10 · 28 August 2009]

I saw this last night and was blown away! It starts off a tad slow, but it picks up quick and delivers more than you ask for. All the performances are spot-on, and the entire mood is one of increasing dread. This film is a love-letter to the golden age of radio, and I kept thinking back to the original "War of the Worlds" broadcast. The sense of isolation was intense, and there was just no way to know what was really going on. This is one of the few films that have truly frightened me, and that's hard to do. The gore was minimal, but very well used, the story was solid, and the sheer weirdness of it all pushed this film into my top list. I also enjoyed the fact that the movie trusts its audience to be intelligent. There is no pat explanation to these events, no convenient back-story, and not even a certain ending. What there is, is an incredible experience which should not be missed. This is a literal breath of fresh air in Horror, and it was a joy to behold. Totally worth your time.

Felidae (1994)

Wow!

[8/10 · 5 April 2009]

This is an amazing film. I had never heard of it before yesterday, but I found and watched it on Youtube....talk about blown away! I was not expecting such a deep story, or how graphic it was. I didn't walk in expecting Rainbow-Brite, but I was completely unprepared for the intense gore and scenes of the lab. I literally couldn't watch some parts of that, and I'm a gore-hound and horror fan. I'm not complaining, I just got caught off guard by it. I understand why it was done, and it was integral to the plot, but...brrrr. Anyway, I can't praise this film enough. The colors are rich, the characters are solid and strong, and the artwork is magnificent. I was surprised at how recently this was made, because it has the feel of something done much earlier. I have three felines of my own, and the body movements and mannerisms were perfectly right. As soon as the credits rolled, I immediately placed an order for this film. I will give it a place of honor in my animation collection, and I suggest you do the same. Just be aware that this is in no way a film for kids, and you have only yourself to blame if they see it and freak. Just hug your kitties when it's over.

Colonel Kill Motherfuckers (2008)

What the----?

[10/10 · 3 March 2009]

I watched this flick and was blown away! This is everything I want in an independent movie, and I was never let down for a minute. The dialog was sharp, the gore is great, the characters are absolutely perfect, and the story was tight and fun. The story starts off with some friends on the road, who hit and kill a man who has just been kicked out of the army for homicidal tendencies (imagine that!). Things get bad when the man's....mother...uses black magic to raise him from the dead and sends him on a killing spree for revenge! There are a lot of gross-out moments in this, so if you are offended easily or have a weak stomach, go watch something less raw. I laughed the whole way through it, and then hit the website to order more films! If you love Troma, sleaze, shock, and the bizarre, do not miss this one! Go Hacked or Go Home!

Tinker Bell (2008 Video)

Beautiful!

[8/10 · 15 December 2008]

This was a wonderful movie! I think it was as good as anything Disney has done in last 15 years. What really set this apart from most of the DVD fare is the incredible score, with music from Loreena McKennit! I could really relate to Tink's desire to find who she is and why. I looked everywhere for MY Talent, and it's taken a long time for me to really be happy with myself just the way I am. That's one of the most important and easily forgotten things you can learn in your life, and I'm glad to see that in any movie. The only thing I would have changed was the addition of so much Pop in the soundtrack. I much prefer the orchestral and Choir work to the latest Tween princess crap. Give this a chance, at least a rental. Just enjoy it for what it is, and believe again.

The Mist (2007)

Awesome

[8/10 · 16 April 2008]

I just got done watching this, and I must say that I am impressed. King's story has actually been expanded on in a way that enhances it, instead of just ripping it to shreds for a few more bucks. The interplay between the characters was very well done, and it felt authentic. Some viewers have taken offense to the way a religious person was portrayed here, and her actions upon the rest of the group. Unlike some, I know that this was a MOVIE, not a smear campaign. One could call their ability to tell fact from fiction into question, but we'll let that go for now. As it stands, this was hugely entertaining, and a great cross-section of humanity in crisis. I actually like the ending, as it forces you to see the true face of Horror. (No, it's not the Giant Walker. It's human failure.) Definitely worth buying, but I would wait until the special set comes out, if there is one.

Heavy Traffic (1973)

What the* did I just see?

[10/10 · 26 February 2008]

I just finished watching this film, and I couldn't be more in awe. It's definitely one of the most bizarre pieces of true Art that I have seen in recent years, and yet the naked honesty is instantly resonant on a very deep level. This a a very dark look at one short period in a young artist's life in what seems to be New York. Ralph is not afraid to show the extreme in the ordinary, the sublime in the tragic, the sparkling filth that charges the air with horror and magic. This is our world, and his, with all the petty bitterness and hope that goes with it. I am saddened by those who say this film is garbage; I was at times horrified, laughing, moved, angered, and yet I emerged from the experience hopeful. I have rarely ever seen such a pure and rich depth of feeling as with this film. Ralph Bakshi is indeed a Master of our time, and the fact that he is still fairly obscure is a terrible waste. See this film, but keep the kids far away, it's rated R for a reason.

Pan's Labyrinth (2006)

Pure awesome

[10/10 · 2 December 2007]

I waited for this to come out on DVD, and rushed home with it as soon as the store opened. When it started, I was awed. When it was over, I was balled up on my floor sobbing hysterically. I have never seen such a truly profound film in my life. It's not about a Faun, a girl, or an end of childhood. It's really about strength, courage, innocence and a will to do what is right above all else, no matter what the cost to one's self. This is a true masterpiece of film-making, from the gorgeously lush countryside to the dingy interiors. I will say this, as much as I truly enjoy this movie: I will never forgive Guillermo for making me cry so hard I almost heaved. No one else has ever hurt me that badly, and done it so beautifully. You owe it to yourself to watch this film as soon as possible. Just don't forget to bring a box of tissues. You'll need them all.

Meatball Machine (2005)

way cool

[10/10 · 3 November 2007]

Don't be fooled by the silly title folks, this is one sweet ride! A true successor to Tetsuo the Iron Man and Ichi the Killer, this gem starts with a bang and lays the gore on thick until the credits roll. It seems that aliens are taking over people's bodies and modifying them into war-machines, which are then used to fight each other in a twisted game for the amusement of their species. The winner of the battle eats the loser alive. That's mostly it for plot, but who cares when the gore is this good? I have no idea how many buckets of slime were used, but it's disgusting to behold. There is interesting and effective use of stop-motion when the takeovers are in progress, and loving care is lavished on all of the creature and make-up effects. The CGI is a bit limited, but that actually doesn't detract from the overall quality one bit, at least for me. This was truly a fun and stomach-turning film that deserves much praise, and has truly earned its place in the stack of Cult Classics. Find it and watch, you won't be disappointed!

Pinocchio (1940)

Prove Yourself

[10/10 · 7 September 2007]

I remember watching this as a child, and loving it. I am still in love with the incredible art design and detail inscribed on each frame of film. I have read the book as well, but I still think that Disney did the right thing by making Pinocchio likable from the start, allowing us to really feel for him and share his world more easily. The little puppet gets very hard-earned lessons in responsibility, truthfulness, bravery, and selflessness. The trip to Pleasure Island stands out in most folks' memory because of the "Donkey sequence", but I was never frightened by that part.

What scared me was The Coachman. Here we have one of the most evil characters ever to grace the world of film, and yet he is almost forgotten. Consider this: the island itself is not cursed; it only changes one's outside to match the nature of the soul inside. We see the results of carnal frenzy indulged, the basest desires are here encouraged and granted beyond sane measure (gluttony, anger, destruction, greed, theft, etc.). By living like animals, the children sacrifice their humanity in the purest way possible. Can you imagine what would happen if Virtue was encouraged in this place? What would they become if that were so?

The Coachman is truly wicked because he is making a great profit by twisting not only the fools he picks up, but by perverting the island itself to his own ends!

That being said, this truly IS one of the greatest animated works ever made, and deserves to be in everyone's collection.

Carrie (1976)

Sad fact of life

[10/10 · 17 August 2007]

I remember reading the book in 6th grade and feeling so very close to Carrie. I was the outcast for all of my schools, no matter where we moved the monsters would find me. I wished so hard for powers of my own, but I never got them. This is a wonderfully done film, and a true landmark of its kind. While the fashions and music have dated considerably, it's still a great study of how our culture eats its young alive, and even encourages victimization of others, through religious intolerance, social class, perceived intelligence as a threat, and on and on. The true ugliness of American culture is all here, and we hope you like what you see. The sad fact is, most of us nerds never get our day, we just quietly die in bedrooms and hang from swingsets. We are the ones who get punished for "acting out" when simply trying to defend ourselves from butt holes. Those same jerks never get anything more than a slap on the wrist, while we get suspended. Is it any wonder why so many of us die young?! Some of us choose to take a few of our tormentors with us, but let's be honest, the Columbine Kids just couldn't AIM. That's the real tragedy, not a bunch of privileged snots. Carrie avenged us all.

The Bad Seed (1956)

Wonderful!

[10/10 · 14 August 2007]

I watched this gem at my mum's house (yeah, I spend lots of time there!), and I was floored. I actually liked the "Staginess", it gave the sets a different feel than other films, and the actors all seemed to be right at home there. I really believed it was a house! Perfect performances from all involved, especially Rhoda's mum. I admit it, I was literally bawling my eyes out near the end (You all know the scene!). I have almost never felt such profound sorrow for anyone in a movie, but the poor mother just broke my heart in ways I never knew were possible. I really cared about her, seeing her suffer that way was unbearable. I'm so glad I watched it, even though it made me cry like that. If you watch until the credits are done, you can see Rhoda getting spanked! That was the perfect balance to end the story. A truly awesome film, and I really can't praise it highly enough.

Eraserhead (1977)

Yikes!

[6/10 · 14 August 2007]

I can't give this film all it deserves because I was completely unable to watch it all the way through. I made it up to the point when his woman walks out on him, leaving that horrible thing wailing in the dark. I have never felt so unclean in my life. I do give it credit for being the most hideous thing I've ever had to watch, and the cinematography is very good. I'm sure I will be forgiven for ripping the disc out of my player and sending back immediately. I do believe it's Art, and it deserves to be hailed as such, but I just can't watch it. I love horror and art films, but I guess this one hit way, way too close to something in me that I'd rather not know about. Rent it if you must, but don't say you weren't warned.

28 Weeks Later (2007)

Best movie of the Summer?

[10/10 · 12 May 2007]

This is not just another bland sequel to a great movie! This film actually holds its own until the final frame, never letting up. 28 weeks later single-handedly restored my faith in horror, taking its audience to new levels of violence, mayhem, gore, and dread. The music was perfect,no whiny pop crap, just throbbing instrumentals carrying the scenes of chaos. Gore-hounds will not be disappointed, the blood runs in the streets of a deserted London and beyond. True horror buffs will recognize a possible nod to Lucio Fulci in one scene, see if you can spot it. This is not a film for the faint of heart or of stomach. It's rated R for a reason, so leave the kids at home! At the showing I went to, some twit had brought their 4 year-old to this movie! The poor kid was terrified, and had to be constantly comforted by the parents, nearly ruining the movie for everyone else. I hope you will enjoy this film as much as I did, and that nobody brings a child into your theater.

Sleepaway Camp (1983)

I had to change my pants!

[10/10 · 11 April 2007]

There have been only two movies in my life that have given me nightmares after watching them. This is the second. I knew about the ending before I saw it, but no words can truly prepare you for...that. Be warned: You will never forget THAT SOUND as long as you live. I enjoyed the rest of the film very much. The performances of the children didn't really feel forced, and the horseplay and language were true to life when I was a kid. The viewer gets to have real sympathy for poor Angela, and it just makes the ending all the more horrific. The death scenes are interesting, because they all use a blend of POV shots from the killer,the pivotal moment of the kill is usually half or fully off-screen, and the viewer is presented with a wonderfully horrid aftermath shot. The meat of it all takes place in your mind, which is ultimately more nasty than anything that could be shown. I will ask that you ignore the bad reviews, and give it a chance. You'll be glad you did.

I Drink Your Blood (1971)

Annoyingly fun

[7/10 · 31 January 2007]

I recently saw this forgotten gem, and I had a great time! Satan-worshiping hippies, a dead goat, lots of rats and plenty of nudity;what's not to like? Well, there were a few things I didn't like, sad to say. First on the list is the "Score". Whoever did this should be locked in a tiny room and forced to listen to it for seventeen hours in THX. Basically, it's a car alarm and drums looped over and over at increasingly harsh frequencies, making the audience long for the sweet low tones of a dentist's drill. Second on the list is the distracted acting. It's as if everyone in the town was eating prozac like skittles between takes. Aside from those two peeves, I had a blast watching it, and so might you, just remember to use the mute button. You'll need it.

The Plague Dogs (1982)

Get the Kleenex, send kids to bed.

[10/10 · 15 January 2007]

I heard about this film from the boards on this site, and being a curious soul, I found a copy from Netflix, they have the Anchor Bay version. I cried so much, my fiancée came in to see what was wrong! I feel that this really is one of the greatest invisible movies ever created. I understand that my version may be cut slightly, but in this case, I'm actually glad they did. The music is perfect, never too schmaltzy, or too intense. The animation style is gritty and yet has a softness that never lets itself get too cutesy. This is not a kiddie flick, but don't underestimate children's' ability to handle difficult concepts. The PG rating is there with good reason, and I wouldn't let any child watch this alone. I'm 28, and I wished my dad and mum were there with me! I fell in love with this film, even though it ripped me up inside. Sometimes, that's what great art does.

Kirikou and the Sorceress (1998)

Wonderful

[8/10 · 16 November 2006]

I had the opportunity to rent this from Netflix, and I'm so glad I did! I fell in love with the style and the rich colors, and though I live in the US, I was glad to see the women and children as they really are,semi or completely nude. After awhile,I didn't even notice it,and I think that it made Karaba the sorceress even more beautiful. The plants and animals were very well drawn, and I was relieved to see that none of the animals talk or sing. Kirikou himself is a very well realized character,and the folk of his village stay true to human nature. I would definitely recommend this film to families, but just be sure that the adults can handle seeing naked children and lots of cartoon boobs. The kids won't even notice if parents don't make a fuss over it, and that's not what really matters in the story anyway. The point is that Kirikou stays true to himself and he turns out to be a very moral person, even without clothes. Try it, you'll like it!