darkwave2000 Reviews

Ad Astra (2019)

The whole movie is on Valium

[2/10 · 24 September 2019]

This movie moves slower than the DMV. Is the man-bun gonna still be a thing in the future? I hope not.

3 from Hell (2019)

2 From Hell with a side of Spaulding

[3/10 · 17 September 2019]

Baby losing her ever-loving mind was the best part. Sheri Moon Zombie turns in an award-winning performance.

Captain Spaulding is my favorite character and it's so sad he's barely in it and then they execute him at the start of the movie. His one-liners are comedy gold and were sorely missed. Lots of actors from 31 are in this. There's lots of Rejects rehash here. Torturing and killing innocent people in a room. Otis saying he's the Devil, yadda yadda yadda.

The computer graphics gore is distracting. I wish Zombie had tied it more to the previous two movies. Baby mentions Tiny, but, that's about it. A scene between Baby and a ghost/dream of Mother Firefly would've been nice.

The ending was very unsatisfying for wrapping up a trilogy. I was hoping this would be a win for Rob Zombie, getting back on track with good movies, but, it just falls flat.

Alien: Covenant (2017)

Death of a franchise.

[2/10 · 30 August 2017]

Saw it opening weekend and it just came out on home video. This will be the first Alien movie I won't watch again or purchase on video.

Ridley Scott clearly has dementia or something. He still is a master of visuals, but, he obviously doesn't care that his characters are complete morons.

It was bad enough in Prometheus that characters removed their helmets on an alien world, the Covenant crew doesn't even bother putting space suits on! They dress in the latest outdoor store fashion and set out on a nice, Earth-like hike on a planet they know nothing about. I've seen review writers make fun of people slipping in blood during the first, big gross out scene, but, I didn't think it was a big deal. It was idiotic, however, that the one gal locks her fellow crew member in the sick bay with the infected man when he'd been spewing blood all the way throughout the ship.

The new Ripley, complete with Aliens costume and hair, is a joke. She reminds me of the teenage boy in The Hills Have Eyes remake, except he was a much better character. This gal is so wimpy and bland, I just can't buy her as a survivor of an Alien movie.

Having since seen behind the scenes videos, I saw that they made an Alien man-in-a-suit costume and it was insanely tall! Then they ruined the movie by pasting a CGI Alien on top of him! End result, a shitty, Alien 3-looking Alien, a film I actually like, despite the crappy computer effects.

The rest of the movie is like one of the old, 80's slasher flicks with dumb characters doing dumb things so that the monster can come and kill them. Someone should edit Covenant scenes with Friday The 13th music over it. That would be hilarious.

I wanted the Shaw and David go to Paradise movie, but, I guess, Noomi wasn't available, so, they made this piece of sh*t.

Maybe Neil Blomkamp will get his chance to make Alien 5. I really hope so, otherwise, this franchise is dead.

31 (2016)

Better than I expected.

[7/10 · 1 January 2017]

After Lords Of Salem, the bar was set pretty low, so, I didn't think this was too bad.

The good:

• The big theater was cool and lit really nice. The three captor characters in the powdered wigs was a nice, creepy touch. Rob Zombie really likes using full frontal nudity a lot now, so, there were young, nude women walking around which is always good.

• I thought the little person, Nazi guy was gonna be lame, but, when he spoke Spanish, I liked it. It added another layer to the disorientation of his scenes.

• The music was really good, reminded me of music from The Exorcist and John Carpenter's The Thing.

• Other reviews said the blood effect looked fake. I thought they were damn good. A lot of the wounds kept bleeding in subsequent shots. I don't know if it was done practical or cgi, but, you don't see that a lot in these movies.

The bad:

• I didn't realize these people worked for a carnival. The dialogue was supposed to explain this, but, it would've been nice to see some shots of a carnival being broke down to go to the next town, or something, and then show the RV with the 31 characters driving away.

• Sherri is like the same character in any of Rob's movies. I was waiting for her to say, "Tootie f*ckin' fruitie." any minute.

• The sets were lit cool and the the dripping water and filthy floors worked, but, the walls and ceilings looked too clean, except for the bathroom set. Maybe less lighting of the upper areas in the factories would've helped.

• When they're eating and Charly discovers, I guess, they're eating parts of their dead friend, but, there's no obvious parts of his body missing that would account for the big buffet of food on the table. His legs weren't shown, so, maybe that's where all of the meat came from. LOL

• The ending was bad. I expected Capt. Spaulding to roll up, ala House Of 1000 Corpses and then Joker Jr. rolls up with some re-recording of Dream On playing. I guess Stephen Tyler did a solo version or something. Anyway, Charly looks like she's about to collapse and suddenly she's ready for a royal rumble with Doomhead? Not buying it.

All in all not bad for a low budget flick, but, I hope Zombie does something on par with Devil's Rejects or a really cool remake, like, Soylent Green or Logan's Run.

The Conjuring (2013)

7.5 out of 10? Are you f*cking kidding?

[1/10 · 28 August 2016]

This movie, much like the inexplicably popular, Cabin Fever, couldn't decide what it wanted to be, so, it just decided to be different things to appeal to different people. Is it a haunted house movie, a haunted doll movie, a Paranormal Activity rip-off or an Exorcist rip-off? YES to all. The actor who plays the paranormal investigator, husband character was in another one of these "scary" movies. So, it's like, really? You couldn't cast someone else? The lady who gets possessed was in that horrible House On Haunted Hill remake, so, when I saw her in this, I said, uh oh and I was right. She is so unconvincing it's painful. No one will ever beat The Exorcist for suspense and horror, so, just stop trying, OK?!

Cabin Fever (2002)

Pure Crap!

[1/10 · 5 December 2012]

I wish they would've given me the money they wasted on this movie, I could sure use it. Eli Roth must have some good drugs or give really good bj's to get the chance to make celluloid abortions like this! I wish they would've given me the money they wasted on this movie, I could sure use it. Eli Roth must have some good drugs or give really good bj's to get the chance to make celluloid abortions like this! I wish they would've given me the money they wasted on this movie, I could sure use it. Eli Roth must have some good drugs or give really good bj's to get the chance to make celluloid abortions like this! I wish they would've given me the money they wasted on this movie, I could sure use it. Eli Roth must have some good drugs or give really good bj's to get the chance to make celluloid abortions like this!

Ghostbusters II (1989)

I had avoided this movie...................

[1/10 · 6 October 2007]

I had avoided this movie until this year when I bought it at Walmart for $5.00. Boy, was I right to steer clear of this piece of sh*t. I can't believe the reviews on hear that say it's good. Are you kidding me? I made it to the toaster on the pool table scene and then I turned it off and literally threw the disc away and recycled the case for a cd without a home. This movie was painful to watch. It was just rich actors going through the motions for a paycheck. The introduction of the baby into the mix was cheesy and the scenes of Bill Murray's character and the baby were unfunny and kind of cruel from a 2007 perspective. I like the original, but this was just a desperate attempt to re-kindle something without the original spark or inspiration. Bad, bad flick.

The Amityville Horror (2005)

A Desperately Needed Remake

[8/10 · 14 November 2005]

FINALLY they remade an old genre movie that really needed it! The original "true" story has just about been debunked as a hoax, but its a great story. A house built on an old Indian burial ground is the scene of a horrific slaughter of a family by one of it's own. Years later another family buys the house at an incredible discount and the sh't hits the fan. The 1979 version had Margot(Lois Lane)Kidder and James(Mr. Barbara Streisand)Brolin looking like the lead singer of Boston. It's amazing how unscary the original was given the great germ of an idea. The "Get Out!!!!" voice was better, though. If you've seen the real George Lutz, you know there's no way he was as buff as Ryan Reynolds. And the real Kathy Lutz is no Melissa George.....Rrrrrrrow! So I'm sure they're happy being portrayed by such good looking people even though they're probably poised to sue someone over something(again). I swear Jodi was supposedly a pig in the original story because the little girl only saw it's glowing eyes and heard it's squealing. That, for me, was scarier then anything else in the story. Here, they make her into the ghost of a slain little girl. And the infamous "Red Room" has been transformed into a sprawling torture chamber instead of a 3x3 room painted with blood and a hippy chick screaming about it being the "Gateway To Hell!!!!!!" This is a good, scary movie with some nice tweaks to the old story. The influence of the house on Reynold's character was beautifully creepy as it turned him into the abusive stepfather from Hell. The wood chopping scene was hard to watch. I recommend this movie for a good scare. If you are looking for Citizen Kane, go watch Citizen Kane.

Poltergeist III (1988)

First movie I used the FF button on.

[2/10 · 25 October 2005]

All I really remember about this one is I didn't see it in a theatre, I rented it on video. It IS pretty bad and the mirror effects are used too much. During the "exciting climax" of the movie where they take the window washer thingy up the side of the building, I actually lost patience and hit the fast-forward button for the first time in my life during a film to get to the end. I used to be a purist and would never dare do this to any movie I watched but I couldn't take it no more. Now if a movie starts to suck, I start FFing to get through it if I don't give up all together. The last time I had to do it was on Wes Craven's "Cursed".