Jadn Reviews

The Last Seven (2011)

No, no, no. No.

[2/10 · 31 August 2010]

I do not review as often as I should, but sometimes I feel like not doing so would mean a sleepless night. This is one of those nights.

The Last Seven is arguably the most poorly constructed, ill-fated, and hopeless attempt at making a movie I have ever seen outside those who recognize the feebleness of their movie and attempt to at least derive some kind of humor out of the film. It is so difficult for me to decide where to begin, because everything is wrong.

If that does not satisfy your curiosity, then let me hit the big three as I see them.

Number 1: Character development. Throughout the entire film, I was never given any reason to care about any of the characters outside of a boo-hoo flashback for someones missed birthday. I didn't care if they lived, if they died, or if they were forced to sit through their own horrible acting. I just didn't care about anything that was happening to them in the slightest, and it destroyed what little bit of plot development there was. And when I say little, I mean LITTLE.

Number 2: Wannabe artistic filming and editing. Out of place flashbacks, requiem-for-a-dream shortcut film sequences, long, drawn out scenes flip-flopping with super short, shaky camera snapshot progressions, third grade special effects, the "hitchcock" scare (attempt) and the list goes on, and on, and on, and on, and on. And. On.

Number 3: Worse than a M. Night Shyamalan twist ending. Nuff said.

The only thing decent about this movie was the scenery, abandoned cities always look awesome.

Don't waste your time, and don't make me tell you I told you so.

Angels & Demons (2009)

Swing and a miss

[6/10 · 1 June 2009]

I should have known you can't teach an old dog new tricks. Religion, science, worlds end, moment of creation, ancient secret societies... Ron Howard stays faithful to his cues, but ultimately the downfall of this movie lies solely in plot and writing. Today, audiences can suspend disbelief if they go into a theater with such intention, but that was the magic behind The Da Vinci Code, wasn't it? We walked out of the theater with a sense of "what if?" despite having been ready for a movie that was supposed to be unbelievable. Angels and Demons fails on this note because the plot is childish and absurd, in no way a justice to its paperback counterpart. It seemed rushed, despite being too long, and many a minute were wasted on meaningless dialog that could have otherwise been used to develop characters whose interactions were arbitrary, to say the least. There is, though ill-fated, an attempt made for a Langdon/Sophie relationship here... which in itself was just pathetically copycat material. And to make matters worse, characters who exist long enough and seem to finally be taking a decisive role suddenly are either killed or shooed away for more haywire plot development. And when I say haywire, I mean insanely over-the-top ridiculousness. It's sporadic and even a bit desperate to capture the essence its predecessor left behind, and in the end it just doesn't compare. Wait for the DVD folks.

Slumdog Millionaire (2008)

Just goes to show...

[7/10 · 17 March 2009]

you should never believe the hype. By all accounts, this movie is good, but it is not in a league of epic proportions. The story is incredible, but nothing that hasn't been used before, and the predictability takes away from the natural curiosities that make us movie-goers interested in the first place. Given, once the movie actually begins, the directors do a great job of sucking in the audience with shock value realism and of course the staples of any good movie: money and women. The problem is that its all been done before in a thousand different ways, and the only twist here is a game show. This is defiantly a movie everyone should see at least once... but your not going to be dying to watch it two months from now. And there is no reason to see it in theaters because its effect is not action or sensory based... although the soundtrack is pretty good. If there was a choice, I probably would have went with a 7.5 but the hype is why I rounded down here. Give it a shot, but don't go expecting a movie that won 8 Oscars, or a top 50 movie spot.

This Is My Life (1992)

Just, no.

[2/10 · 17 October 2008]

Mix every cliché known to cinema, add a dash of sub-par acting, and cringe every 7 seconds. Lather, rinse, repeat. The plot is weak, the characters are self centered, immature and dense. Also, completely static. The soundtrack... who decides on things like this? They should be banished. The moral of this story is something everyone over the age of six already knows, and at best it is just a simple reminder, nothing fantastic. You might as well watch the hallmark channel. Its only saving point was getting to hear Marge Simpson the entire time, and afterward you will want to drown this movie with the first six seasons. Everything, literally everything, ends unresolved as the movie comes to a close. The climax, breakdown, and ending happen in the last ten minutes of film. Boring, unnecessary secondary characters fall off without a trace after they serve the bleak purpose of providing a few one liners a crap screenplay writer couldn't fit into the actual premise otherwise. The budget was small to begin with, and when the money ran out, everyone threw their hands up in the air and threw together a few sure-fire movie tactics for endings, and the happiness of its last few scenes temporarily overshadow the hour and a half crapfest, and if your lucky, those feelings may just last long enough to make you forget about it.