nyarnebbanot Reviews

Dead Space 3 (2013 Video Game)

Dud Space 3 is more like it

[6/10 · 19 May 2024]

Dead Space franchise goes out with a whimper and not a bang. Before we had this series of beautiful immersive beyond belief third person shooter survival horror games and what do we get? This.

Dead Space 3 is about Isaac and the alien cult markers are back now his schizophrenic brain must stop the evil aliens and save the girl!!

Dead Space 3 doesn't need to be scary. But it wouldn't hurt to be scary.

The gameplay in Dead Space 3 on paper sounds nice with realistic guns but in practice is really dull and generic. Fending off aliens one by one with guns and is full of dumb set pieces. There is bad pacing all about.

Unlocking items in Dead Space 3 is a chore because after you beat the entire game there are certain unlockables that you have to unlock like 256 colors mode by playing on nightmare. Just download Reshade if you're on PC.

Of all the AAA games in 2013 Dead Space seems to be the least remarkable because it's graphics are covered in frost but demonstrate nothing noteworthy except maybe for a strong art direction.

Overall Dead Space 3 loses wind within 2 hours of it's run time. Just play it to get it over with.

Smiling Friends (2020– )

Made me smile

[10/10 · 1 May 2024]

Smiling friends is an absurdist animation. This show gets me every time. Smiling friends is super funny.

Smiling friends is set in a weird, wacky random version of America full of humanoid creatures with nonsense names like Pim and Blip. Everything has a made up name. Charlie and Pim are the main cast that go around trying to make everyone smile. Charlie is a normal guy who is bi and Pim likes to yell random stuff loudly.

Smiling friends has a sureal pulp aethsetic remenisent of 90's cartoons with flat gritty backgrounds and bright colors. Characters that are just literally smiling faces.

This show is made by a zillenial terminally online and it shows in the writing. Sometimes they say based, cringe, or Gwimbly. Gwimbly being a reference to the 4chan Smash meme Scrimblo Bimblo the Adorable Scrunko, video game characters that are so small and cute made for kiddy platformers. I don't play Gwimbly however. I play Troglor because I'm manly. Anyway they also make fun of Brazil like Brazilians do and so do Zoomer millenials.

Loose omages to LOTR.

The way Smiling friends is Voiced is like the same awkward tone of every Adult Swim show ever produced.

The way it is written is almost like a TV14 version of Regular show where they even have a big headed boss character who is like Pops. Smiling friends is such an enjoy able show.

BioShock (2007 Video Game)

Addicting Unique underwater adventure

[8/10 · 21 April 2024]

In 2007 tons of aforementioned games where coming out. Bioshock was one of the big Kahoonas. It had promised it all. Amazing 3D graphics, open levels, RPG elements, original setting, survival horror elements, a spiritual successor to System Shock 2 but does it still hold up?

STORY

The story is quite unique in Bioshock. You Jack have crash landed in the Atlantic Ocean. You find yourself at a light house. Out of all the one and a million chances in the whole entire world you are sent into an underwater elevator and are transported to a Underwater Utopia. But then you realize it's a dystopia. It's terrifying. These people had too much freedom and now are experimenting on each other and little girls. Men are becoming Big daddy's? How sinister? It's your job to join a rebellion and defeat Fontain and save the city from it's own altruist suicide.

The story telling is much interviewed into the gameplay like System Shock as you listen to audio logs and see various clues and clever gimmicks that got old like blood writing on the walls saying "I'm suffering!" or "I like peanut butter.~" It's quite effective but I get tired of the insane sounding audio logs. It worked in System Shock but stop copying the formula. Maybe hmm. READ? But reading things here ain't fun either.

Bioshock much not unlike Metal Gear Solid is concepted by a psuedo-intellectual 15 year old who just picked up Ayn Raynd and asked himself "Who is John Galt?" but then said to himself "Hmmm. This is garbage!" and moved on and bragged about his beliefs to everyone whilst tipping his fedora.

You get nice little scripted events to. Do you guys still love it when a play happens before you and they talk to you like a dog?

All in all the story is a feels trip and gets scary and will make you jerk a tear at the ending if you are a good boy.

GAMEPLAY

The FPS RPG genre was always a troublesome thing to balance. You are either too FPS or too RPG. Some have nailed it while others completely missed the mark. Bioshock seems to have hit the mark and missed it by 3 meters.

What I love about Bioshock is it's ambition.

You have tons of guns and slots to put them in. Each of them as strong as the last. Except for the wrench which is there to be brutal and doesn't feel like it only looks.

There are tons of places to explore. But they all feel pretty much the same.

The RPG elements are simple but effective.

-Buy things

-Get super powers with injections

-Solve said puzzles with powers

-Levation psych.

-Upgrade weapons

-Shoot bees out of the palms

-Hack security cams

-Sneak

-Different AI abilities

All of this made Bioshock completely next gen

The pacing of Bioshock is completely ruined by it's vitachambers. Good thing you can turn them off. But they make the game generally pointless and unbalanced. Everything feels incredibly slow.

Bioshock feels repetitive in a way .The objectives are strange and I know that has a point but they boil down to easter egg hunts and not in the fun pop culture reference way. I mean they make the game a complete bore. Search for dead corpses and photograph them for a pompous artist? Whats the point in that? Just give me something logical like I don't know.. repairing a machine?

I must say that Bioshock has the most unique enemies ever.

The story of Bioshock is comepletely non-linear which makes the Shock franchise a complete candidate for making everything about itself a good blend of what makes a game great. You can either be Jesus or Satan. Jesus saves the world, grows old and dies happily. Satan unleashes it's Rapture on to the world. These are black and white however so it makes it feel shallow unless you are ok with that? This is caused by you deciding to kill little girls or saving them.

The over all world feels dead. Not like a working vessel. Just assume someone is still making this place work full insane druggies.

GRAPHICS

The graphics in Bioshock are amazing. Rob Waters has outdone himself. They have aged amazingly well with these incredibly colorful graphics and amazing Art Deco design, bump mapped worlds, nifty 50's posters, detailed enemies and monsters, satisfying particle effects, pretty lighting effects, particle effects, and look great on every console. Though it can be low res at times I can only partially blame that being Unreal Engine 2.5 is not the best candidate for details like the camera POV being too zoomed out or character NPC animations being too stiff and lifeless with Fresnell it's unnecessary also the interface isn't very aesthetic really. . This is what I hated about Red Steel and that's a Wii game. Overall Bioshock has a loving presentation that can only be found in 90's CGI cartoons. Though things tend to have too much visual congruity at times it's still nice.

SOUND

Bioshock is also relies on it's sound a lot. One thing I do love about Bioshock's sound is that it's very atmospheric. So atmospheric that there is no real music. Just some swing playing on Jukebox's. Bioshock feels boring in that regard. There is no actual music about besides POV cutscenes. But the voice acting and sound effects are effecive.

OVERALL

Bioshock is very interesting piece of gaming but doesn't know how to pace itself like System Shock, Deus Ex, or Ultima Underworld. I feel though it's worth a play through and you might like it.

Might as well play STALKER just to be safe comrade.

Ghostbusters (1984)

Who you gonna call?

[10/10 · 8 April 2024]

Ghostbusters is the quintessential 80's film. Ghostbusters is an infitnely fun movie for all.

The Ghosts have invaded New York and it takes a team of 4 ghost trappers to stop them all. Even worse, Zool is leading the spirit world to the real world.

Ghostbusters is insanely fun and has good character development.

A nerdy non nonsense scientist known as Egon. Bill Murray plays a charismatic Ghostbuster who is leader. Dan Ankoroyd who plays Ray stants. Winston Zeddemore played by Ernie Hudson who's not as smart but has heart.

Dana Barlet as supporting cast.

Slimer, a green slimey Ghost who's brain is damaged by a bullet all must but eat.

So many good characters.

The setting in Ghostbusters is iconic. The Ghostbusters ride a hearst everywhere, wearing jumpsuits, living in an abandoned firehouse, having powerpacks and slammers to zap and control ghosts.

There are many scary moments despite it being an ironic comedy about ghosts.

Tons of fun practical effects.

The theme song to Ghostbusters is iconic.

Why are you even reading this review? Just watch the dang movie!

BUSTIN' MAKES ME FEEL GOOD!

Conker's Bad Fur Day (2001 Video Game)

An interactive Ralph Bakshi movie

[9/10 · 18 March 2024]

Conker breaks all the rules in Conker's bad fur day. It's one of the best N64 games of all time.

Conker is a little squirrel who must stop the Panther King before he takes over the world. Conker must find his way home and meet up with Barry. But this isn't just a kiddy game. CBFD is a raunchy adult game with ironic colorful cartoon graphics.

GAMEPLAY

Conker unlike other 3D platformers at the time doesn't rely on collect-a-thons but rather solving riddles and puzzles. This gives SO MUCH to the narrative. Conker will go up to NPC's and perform favors in return for anthropomorphic money. Hijinks will ensue. This being said combat boils down to context rather than attack. This may not be fun as say Banjo but it moves quite a long well.

Conker will fly with his tail to elevate to platforms. Each level will be a reference to a movie. From Matrix, Private Ryan to Clockwork Orange. This game has it all.

Conker gains health and life by tails and chocolate.

Cutscenes cannot be skipped. This is makes some levels unnerving.

GRAPHICS

The Graphics of Conker's Bad Fur Day are insane. The best graphics the console has to offer. Every drop of power the 64 has is spent on this game. The art is cute but is bloody, sexual, and violent.

Every polygon is spent on Conker and every character.

You will see baked lighting textures. They are super sharp and superior.

The animation helps make the Conker come to life. Everything has amazing kinetic animation that gives the game an almost timeless appeal. Visuals that wouldn't look out of place 2001 PS2 game. As a result the resolution and frame rate suffer.

If CBFD was any proof of what George Wood claimed that the N64 could produce Toy Story Quality graphics Conker would be it.

SOUND

The sound in Conker's Bad Fur Day is amazing. You will hear swearing, British voices, and the great mighty poo. This makes the game hilarious.

The music ironically cheerful to.

OVERALL

Conker's Bad fur day is really worth a buy.

Crash Bandicoot: Warped (1998 Video Game)

The best in the series

[10/10 · 18 March 2024]

Crash Bandicoot 3 Warped is my childhood. I walked into the Toys R Us and saw a collection of video games on display in a demo. Ridge Racer Type 4, Spyro 3, Metal Gear Solid, Crash Bandicoot 3. They where all GREAT games. Games that could not be touched by 7th gen hardware in terms of quality and concept.

STORY

After defeating the allied enemy of Neo Cortex, the doctor was at a lost cause until he found the Power Crystals. Now he has teamed up with the evil Uka Uka mask and a group of other jerks to rule over earth. Only Crash and Cocoa and the Wise Aku Aku can stop them.

GAMEPLAY

The Gameplay is the most evolved form of Crash Bandicoot. More moves, more pace, many levels. Crash 3 is so great! It's the same linear level design as before but still works.

It's so polished.

Did I mention you can ride a baby tiger or a jet ski? Cocoa is the best. The bosses are fun. Need I say more?

You can go on time trials and it's the best. Collect Gems. Underwater levels are actually fun

GRAPHICS

The graphics in Crash Bandicoot 3 are the finest in all of the PS1 library. All the textures are detailed and crisp and gritty. Every level has it's own theme and they all feel like they come straight out of a Disney movie of the same time. The characters are expressive as if they come out of the Loony Tunes short and the polygon count is really high. Enemies are varied. So much shiny.

SOUND

The music is fun. It really hits hard since it runs on the sound chip. The bass hits hard and isn't prerecorded garbage. WOAH and BLING fill this game. I love it.

OVERALL

Crash Bandicoot 3 is the best in the series. If you played the others play this. It's the best.

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3 (2023)

Says a lot about our world

[8/10 · 8 March 2024]

Guardians 3 looking back was an exploitative superhero space opera piece with lots of non-sense. But now, I see this movie as meaningful. But before that let's get to this.

The plot of Guardians 3 is about Rocket who gets totally injured and now the Guardians must look for a part that was connected to Rocket Raccoon's body and the only way to get it back is from his recreator High Evolution. A robot doctor who is given life and expirements on animals.

This movie is full of frequent scenes of animal creulty. When the Guardians aren't kicking but or talking about a relationship we don't care about there is Rocket's backstory of being molded into a cyborg beast along with his cyborg beast friends. This is a lot to take in since it's so dark and gritty.

Eventually High evolution finds out a more ethical way of making animals sentient and that's by Highly evolving them. Why didn't he think of that before?! It's in the name! Anyway, High Evolution and Rocket soon form a planet civilization that only Twitter Stan Furries could come up and it's an entire world of Humanoid animals living the most perfect life in the late 80's. Just like a show with ideal cartoon animals High evolution makes it real and it is rather uncanny. This says a lot about society even though his society isn't perfect. But Dr. H. E. Doesn't care about the planet.

Anway the movie is full of satisfying pay offs and moments that make you go 'woah' even though it's CG scifi fest.

Overall if you have 3 hours, watch Guardians of the Galaxy Part 3.

Neon Genesis Evangelion (1995–1996)

The first cartoon to ever get you out of the prison of the mind

[8/10 · 8 February 2024]

NGE is an amazing mecha anime that talks about the most difficult time in human's life. Teen years.

In this show, we are shown the protagonist Shinji Ikari a pathetic boy who hates himself with daddy issues, a dead beat father Gendo Ikari who works for Nerve, A secret organization that is meant to stop giant second impact anomalies. With the help of some other detached/neurotic teenagers who must fight inside robots against Aliens in the sky.

In this show we are given plot twists that you'll never see coming.

The animation in NGE is top notch. It's full of realistic motion of the Eva unit mechas. Battling a bunch of Biblically accurate angels representing the end of time.

Shinji learns to grow and change as a person. He realizes the most cliche lesson in life, Be yourself. But why? Be yourself because in the end, nothing really matters. We are just put on this earth to satisfy no one. Eat, sleep, have sex, and die. Not just because you have to be cool in high school. But because we are just that way. And in the end, Shinji loves himself and others. That's my interpretation.

Now go buy a Misato body pillow and watch this show you weeb.

Thanksgiving (I) (2023)

A torture to watch

[7/10 · 24 January 2024]

Thanksgiving is another one of Eli Roth's torture pornos. Thanksgiving takes place in where it all started. Salem, Massachusetts or Jersey or whatever. Anyway, the movie takes place around a time when black friday kills a bunch of people including a woman. Black Friday is parodied perfectly as it represents the most selfish time of the year.

After that year there have been reports of several murders and a detective or 2 and some teens are on the case.

But the worst part of this movie is how everyone dies and it's just so unrealistic and yet so detailed and revolting. One most notably when one of the female characters is shoved in an oven to broil like a turkey. This goes on for 3 minutes and she is absolutely positively suffering in that oven. Bound and gagged. Her lungs pup and she dies. It's so messed up.

I honestly don't get this whole obsession with messed up violent/debilitating fate worse than death style 'Humor'. It's one of the most toxic, tasteless type of comedies. But if you laugh at a wet woman being shoved into a freezer door with her skin being torn off the by all means watch this film.

There is a plot twist and I won't spoil it for you.

The acting and characters are a bit silly and overdramatic but I think that's good for what I hope it's doing.

Mad TV (1995–2016)

You are now watching MadTV

[9/10 · 22 January 2024]

MadTV was one of the best shows of the 90's and 2000's. When MadTV started it was SNL meets Mad Magazine featuring a cast of future celebrities and stars living in Hollywood like Michael MacDonald, Bobby Lee, Jordan Peele, Will Sasso and more.

MadTv was awesome when it started. There where so many characters. Like Stewart, a giant 5 year old who wants attention all the time torturing everyone enabled by his mother. Miss Swan, an Asian lady who's catch phrase was "He looka like a man" whenever someone asked any questions.

There would be animated skits. With Spy Vs. Spy and Don Martin's cartoons too.

MadTV was the place to be when it was 11:30 PM back to back on local late night TV.

MadTv was super funny. As time wore on MadTV became less and less funny. By the late 2000's MadTV boiled down to nothing but celebrity parodies that would become dated. The whole thing became dated and mean spirted. Ironic how MadKids was better.

Eventually, over time. MadTV went off air because it died of unfunny but will live in our hearts as a show that we could never forget.

Rugrats (1991–2003)

Cheers to one of the best Nicktoons

[9/10 · 4 January 2024]

Rugrats is an a cute and funny show that everyone loves. Rugrats delves into the joys and wonders of childhood and infanthood to a T.

The early seasons of the Rugrats are the best in cartoon history.

See the world through the eyes of Tommy Pickles and his friends. A group of babies that live their life to the fullest despite the limitations of infanthood. We have Tommy Pickles, an adventuresome baby who always brings his trusty strewdriver taking all his baby friends on adventures. Phil and Lil who are Twins. Chucky. A scaredy cat boy who's the eldest. Loving Main antagonist of the Rugrats is Angelica Pickles. She is so scary and mean to babies because she is spoiled by a loving father and busy mother. The parents are loving people who are always their for their kids like Drew and Didi Pickles.

Season 1-4 are the strongest of the Rugrats. The plots are so much more adventuresome and fun.

Seasons after that and the movie where abject to seasonal rot because they have boring slice of life episodes and Dil pickles. A newborn who is just so boring.

No one really watches Rugrats JUST for the giggles but rather for the surrealist art style where everything has a fish eye lense. The way a very small baby would see. Rugrats is one of the scariest cartoons in history. More scary than Resident Evil. The world of a baby is so intimidating. Scenes will have Stew Pickles turn around and say "I'M NOT STEW!" to see Stew's warped face with big eyes, nose and lips, tongue and high pitched voice! Or the monster sweater under the bed. Some may find the style weirdly realistic/Ugly and oddly boring because Clasky-Csupo.

The music by Mark Mothersburgh is really Good. It serenades each scene to have a moody tone but and an infantile one as well.

Rugrats knows when to ignite emotion. Sometimes it can be sad. Like when MELVILLE DIED!!

Holiday specials that talk about Passover and Hanukkah as the Pickles are Jewish. Even Kwanza.

There is a lot of crass humor in Rugrats. Diaper Jokes, poop jokes, burp jokes, pee jokes. (that it almost becomes the inspiration for diaper fetishists) But it's all good. It's just a kids show.

Rugrats spawned I believe 3 movies, 5 straight to Video and several video games.

Overall, why aren't you watching Rugrats? You aren't a 90's kid if you aren't viewing the show. Are you baby enough? Or just do something else.

The Mighty Orbots (1984)

Great animation but

[8/10 · 12 December 2023]

This show is so predictable I can see what's happening next.

I could literally voice over the Mighty Orbots and have every episode abridged and improvised.

It's the future. Humans and Aliens live together.

But suddenly, something bad happens. An villian so terrifying he traumatizes 80's kids everywhere.

A villain who is literally Hitler emerges

Mischief ensues.

It's only a up to a group of heroes known as the might Orbots to defeat the villain.

They do as such.

8 unique stereo types, 2 twin hotties, a fat bot who eats the competition, a nerd bot, cute mommy bot, muscle guy, all commanded by some white boy. It's just like Paw Patrol and it couldn't be anymore predictable.

No wonder it got 13 seasons.

Banger intro though. This is what happens when you get Japan and America to work together to create cartoon.

The Fall of the House of Usher (2023)

Netflix's scariest octrilogy

[9/10 · 18 November 2023]

TFOTHOU is the scariest Netflix drama of all time so therefore you must hide the kids.

First the series starts off boring with lots of characters that are all the same archetype almost. We have the overbearing pretentious parents, the 2 hedonistic sons, the studious daughter. The Usher family is cursed and will die of unnatural causes all because of some witch deal. I don't want to spoil it but the plot is very slow and plodding in the beginning. The Ushers are the type of rich people that pretend to care but don't really so they peddle a drug that numbs the body and mind.

All the episodes are based on the works of Edgar Allen Poe and each is more dark than the last.

The Usher's will meet fates most cruel based on each tale. Based on the Crow, Tell Tale heart, Pit and the Pendulum, Black cat, ect.

There are scenes with Acid sprinklers melting human bodies. It's so disgusting and it's all so sad.

The Black cat scared me the most. The witch was trying to help the man tame his sassy cat who hunted far too many birds and rats.

Sometimes it's too Talky.

Not the prettiest show. Very bleak and you'll love it.

Five Nights at Freddy's (2023)

Worlds longest YouTube fan short

[5/10 · 1 November 2023]

We all wanted an FNAF movie and low an behold that's what we got.

FNAF is the dumbest movie all time. It's more dumb than the game it's based on which I am taught to hate by 30 year old men online.

FNAF Is about Mike a security guard who tackles a child abductor who is actually father of a son all because of past trauma of his brother being taken away now he must work the night shift as security guard at a Chuck E Cheese ripoff called Freddy Fazbears. They should have let us see the trauma first and this would have been a more clever movie.

Mike is an anxiety and depression riddled manchild which no one likes. This will lead to nothing but flashbacks that are earily shot like an M Night Shyamalan or A24 film with the kids who are the animatronics appear. It's much less clever when this movie just repeats the same secen over and over again

Anyway, there are jump scares in this movie but only for a Balloon boy toy.

The pizzeria is being looked after despite being abandoned.

It's not cut and dry based on the actual game. There are characters and lore from FNAF 3 in 1 so it will never sequel bait like so many other fail movies have.

You might as well skip the whole entire franchise and go to FNAF security breach.

Pros +Realistic animatronics +Somewhat good atmosphere +One part of the movie there's a a bunch of robbers who get horribly gored by the robots.

+Five nights at Freddies fan song plays +Well shot

Cons -Too much unnecessary character development for a movie about murderous robots -Too many flashbacks -Questionable setting -Messed up lore.

-Idiotic fursuit/animatronic mechanics don't make sense.

Overall, see it to laugh at how dumb it is.

Gamer (2009)

Very dry

[5/10 · 12 October 2023]

Gamer is much like a 90's 3D game. Made by 50 year old men in buisness suits making excuses for people to kill each other with Guns. AKA Quake 3 arena. AKA Unreal Tournament. But at least Unreal Tournament would have dignity.

In Gamer people don't play with 3D models or artistically made assets but they are live actors forever until they die. You either live in Society or in Warzone. The main character won't be living in society. He's going to be in a video game.

Gamer is such a disgusting movie that looks and feels like it was made by 12 year olds because that's all it is. An unmotivated action flick with jerky cinematography, brown and grey color palette, and the worst acting and dialogue ever. Gamer makes all gamers look like pathetic losers who are fat. Everyone in this movie is a stereotype.

No one in Gamer has any good motivation except for the main character and that is to survive the battlefield and end the Battle Royale. And that's it.

The action is pretty good though. But it's only a vessel to drive anything forward.

Gamer is not worth it.

Your Name. (2016)

The Notebook but for weebs

[6/10 · 15 September 2023]

And I've never seen the Notebook.

This movie was ok. I feel like that this movie was too full of montages to get me invested in the characters.

I like the gender swap plot. That was really funny and good?

Kimi no na wa is about Mitsuha and a Taki who swap bodies but create an unbreakable bond with each other.

Taki lives in the big city and Mitsuha lives in a traditional town.

They live each other's life. This body swap cause each other to see the girl's death. This causes Taki to go on an epic adventure to prevent her death in a time warp. This plot twist makes the movie unfocused.

However, this movie is so beautiful that it fools you into believing it's meaningful. Holy moly! This is one of the best looking anime movies in years. Everything has complimentary colors! Split complimentary! Blue and orange! Purple and yellow! The characters animate so fluidly and realistically, the backgrounds are realistic. Everything is glowy. The character designs are reminiscent of Digimon which I don't like but it gives the movie a youthful vibe. One word Meteor shower.

The music is beautiful new age.

Maybe my ears where ruined by the Rugrats sounding dub. I know I know I should have watched the sub but Amazon didn't have that.

But watch it if you can.

Zootopia (2016)

An enjoyable movie for children and manchildren alike

[7/10 · 27 August 2023]

Zootopia was good for most people. It turned a bunch of Zoomers into furries.

I could not get into it though. I just don't know what it was but the movie was very jump cutty. But I think the lack of good music made it kind of a boring movie. Like the try everything song at the end was ok.

All the animals fall into animal stereotypes and I'm just not into it.

Zootopia is an insanely beautiful CGI cartoon that has very nice character designs with lots of detail and personality.

However this movie has a message, and it's not a good one. This entire movie recognizes race and species as one of the same. It's not one of the same. Race and species are 2 different things. It should have focused on one animal and several species. Cause equating race and species which leads to dehumanization. None the less, no one should discriminate to each other on any basis.

But whatever, it's a baby movie so you might enjoy it.

Zoolander (2001)

Could watch on repeat

[10/10 · 27 August 2023]

Zoolander is the funniest movie ever devised.

Zoolander is about a self centered, egotistical, empty minded, Fashion model named Derek Zoolander who gets in a conspiracy against Mugatu, an evil fashion designer trying to bring back child labor in Malaysia. Mugatu will brainwash Zoolander and his friend.

Mugatu (Will Feral) is something else. He is a fancy Fashion designer who has a pet poodle and a hair doo that looks like a poodle. He is so flamboyant and evil that when he is given the wrong latte coffee he throws it at his own worker scolding him then firing him.

There is never a dull moment in Zoolander.

One time he gets abandoned by his agency in order to get back with his pop and brothers at a Coalmine in Virginia. Only to find out that his dad is disappointed. "I'm a Merman! Dad! A Merman!"

Scenes where he has such a fun time with his friends. Eating Starbucks, dancing to Wham!, in a Jeep, filling their gas tank and spraying each other with gas smoking cigarettes while Zoolander is gone only to realize it's too late. All his friends have died in a fiery explosion to their own arrogance.

The soundtrack too Zoolander is some of the best picks out there. Featuring Franky says relax and The Hollies.

One lesson I learned from this movie is "Don't pay attention to the beautiful celebrities. Just walk

Watch as Zoolander tries to master his 'Blue Steel' technique.

Zoolander is just too funny. The sex jokes the over the top comedy is too much. Very Y2K.

The sequel however is more of the same.

Haunted Mansion (2023)

That felt long

[6/10 · 25 August 2023]

Haunted Mansion 2023 came back. Why they didn't call it Haunted Mansion 2 is beyond me. I feel old now because I remember watching and enjoying the first Haunted mansion 20 years ago!!! Aa! Stop aging.

Anyway, HM is a kiddy horror drama based on the ride of the same name. I felt more sad because the story is a mom and a son move into an OBVIOUSLY haunted house and can't leave. The mom calls a Medium to check their house who built a camera to see his dead wife once again. This seems a lot for a rollercoaster ride at Disney.

The movie has too much CGI that they even 3D'd a windmil with electric bolts. Bad CGI ghosts animated by a mouse and keyboard. Full of Jumpscares.

I know Disney fans aren't horror fans so they may like this as the few real horror films they enjoy.

Puss in Boots: The Last Wish (2022)

Who's your favorite fearless hero?

[10/10 · 21 May 2023]

Puss in Boots that's who. Puss in Boots the last wish is the greatest animated movie of all year. It's a beautiful, charming, fun, humorous entertaining movie that is unforgettable.

In Puss in Boots, We have Puss who is on his last life for a cat of his 9 lives. This happened after slaying a giant and getting squashed by a bell. Now Puss will retire because the indestructible death Wolf is inevitable. Puss retires to his home of a cat lady. Desperate, Puss decides to get his lives back by getting a wish for 9 lives by getting a magic piece of paper. A map that leads to a crater of a magic star with the help of Perito, a little dog who is very positive despite all odds.

On that pursuit Goldylochs and the 3 bears try to steel the map from Big Jack Horner. Little Jack Horner who grew up to be a nepobaby and continue his parent's Pie corporation.

Anyway the whole movie of Puss in Boots is a hoot. The characters and cast are just top tier. They are all so funny.

This movie shows sympathy for the antagonists and the heroes. Except for Jack Horner who is evil. This makes the plot very strong.

Perito is so cute and pathetic. He keeps his head up despite being a little chihuahua that can't get love. Puss is charming and so is Kitty soft paws. Me telling you all these old nursery rhymes coming together and mythology makes it all the more funny. Just watch it. You'll laugh and you'll cry. It's almost as good as the old 2D Dreamworks films of the 90's.

Puss in Boots TLW is the most visually striking. This entire movie doesn't aim for hyper realism like Shrek did or the last Puss in Boots. The character designs aren't sexist on females. The who movie has a painterly aesthetic. Characters make tapered facial expressions. Complimentary colors about. Gorgeous cinematography. And best of all it animates like anime when it wants to. It's not 100% slow but only choppy when the fights wanna get rough. The choreography of fighting is insane.

This movie doesn't even fear having an 80's G because it has blood, swearing and innuendos. But this is only tasteful.

Antonio Banderas does his best work in this film.

Overall, Puss in Boots incredibly clever and silly movie with heartfelt moments.

Renfield (2023)

Renfield? What's up with that?

[6/10 · 7 May 2023]

Supernatural powers? Vampires? Weird food? Exotic setting? Cops? No this isn't RIPD but it's quite better than that movie but not by much.

I watched Renfield and it has a relatable story about dealing with toxic people. Who could be more toxic than the king of vampires Vlad Dracula? Renfield continues the story of the character who eats bugs to give himself vampiric capabilities such as regeneration and super strength. Flight even. Renfield is a 100 year old British man who attends life help meetings by Christian organizations.

One day, Dracula got exposed to sunlight and got burnt to a crisp. Now Drac is mad and requires pure blood to be alive.

This movie starts off strong on it's high concept but falls flat as soon as we are delt with corporately driven cops as the criminals. We aren't given normal cops that show microaggressions to minorities or stuff. We are given money cops. They are so mean and evil it's hard to take them seriously and ends up confusing me so much that I fell a sleep for 5 mins.

When I awoke there where these intense scenes of violence, blood, and gore. So much so that it's funny and awesome but also a bit too much. I see guys have their arms chopped off and face torn off and if you can stand that be my guest. Blood looks a bit like Tomato sauce though.

This movie's like "Hey let's introduce this new awesome character and kill him off and never develop him. I'm certain everyone will LOVE the stupid cop side plot."

So overall it's ok.

Mortal Kombat (2021)

Mortal Wetfart

[6/10 · 5 April 2023]

So in 2021 they released Mortal Kombat to make an actually good game movie for once. Didn't know the first 2 Mortal Kombat movies where bad because at least they where fun to watch.

MK 2021 is just a Marvel movie in disguise of a Mortal Kombat.

The main character is no face guy who was friends with Jax and was part of the military. Due to being the ultimate fighter Forgettable guy gets chosen to be in Mortal Kombat by being targeted for assassination by the Mortal Kombat bad guys.

The movie isn't spectacular as the fight scenes have no creativity or cinematography to them. They are just as jump cut as a Marvel movie full of CGI effect if not worse.

Sure, even in MK3 they used CG but this is somehow worse.

Anyway the plot is unnecessarily complicated as the story is really about revenge that Scorpion wanted on Goro for killing his family with his Ninja clan or something. I forget. But go ahead and see it.

R.I.P.D. (2013)

Dumb movie that can't hold my attention.

[5/10 · 1 April 2023]

So much potential was lost. This movie isn't very funny.

So the movie is basically about a cop who gets sent into the after life to YuYu Hakusho some "Dead O" monsters that xenophobically hate Indian food. Why would they hate Indian food? Is this Hinduism? I do not understand. It's all really gross out humor and wants to to be Men and Black.

When you come back after your after life you aren't you. Ryan Reynolds is a Chinese man and Jeff Bridges is a built bombshell. The characters hate each other.

Anyway there is no laughs. I am an attention span deprived millennial who if not looking at a phone is looking at the best movie ever and I am not looking at the best movie ever. I am looking at a PS2 cutscene.

History of the World: Part II (2023)

Not funny

[2/10 · 10 March 2023]

Talking like American? Cashing on popular trends? Stupid stereotypes? Did high schoolers make this for A/V club?

Oh and the sets are bad too. It has Ike Berinholtz in it and that's it. I only snickered at some things.

Well anyway here is a better show. It's called a Cunk on Earth and it shows the superiority of Netflix to whatever else you are currently watching.

A Cunk on Earth is about an interview girl from England who is very socially inept and childish talking to several historians. Mrs Cunk cries on key at times and bases things off fantasy and fiction. Eventually eluding to the 1996 Technotronic song Pump up the Jam by Belgian pop rap electronic project. Pump up the jam pump it up until your feet are stompin'. And the base is pumping.

Daikatana (2000 Video Game)

I don't wanna suck it down

[5/10 · 20 November 2022]

I'm told Daikatana gets better but I just can't stand the first level.

The graphics are pretty bad. Better than Quake 2 but not much better than anything that came out it the year 2000 and it shows. Low res and ugly as hell.

The game has been updated and patched and yet this first level is inexcusable. You go through a poorly designed swamp to a poorly designed factory. Daikatana is very well balanced. Too bad you will be fighting poisonous robot frogs and dragon flies as your first enemy.

There are rpg elements. That's Daikatana's big hook. I don't know how to use them but I hope they make my character play better.

There are apparently hundreds of weapons.

The story is typical how to draw anime fodder. At least anime would be more original. You have to get a time sword because that's cool but the time sword known as the Daikatana is in the hands of someone very bad. You play as a Shogun named Hero that will stop Mishima. Mishima has taken over the world with his company all because he used the Daikatana. Sound pretty cool huh? Too bad it's all cheesy.

You meet up with Makiko and Superfly Johnson. They are glitchy.

Get the N64 version if you hate yourself. Get Deus Ex if you love yourself. Install it again because Deus Ex is so epic.