chrisjan Reviews

The Forgotten (2004)

Spilled talents and an insult to logic.

[3/10 · 10 June 2007]

I heard about this movie and about how bad it was...so I was kinda curious if this was really the case.

Well I watched the movie on TV last night and all I can say that this movie is an insult to logic & reason with probably the most horrible Hollywood ending ever....and if I'm not mistaking it was the alternate ending (with Telly trying to get in the room of Sam).

The first 40 minutes are OK and interesting...what really happened to Sam? Of course I knew that aliens were involved but still watching this plot unveil left me speechless.

40 minutes in the film Telly all of a sudden feels that she sometimes feels like being "watched"...now where did this come from??????? It literally falls from the sky, this "twist".

There is so much wrong with this movie I could go on and on but the thing that really killed the movie was the ending: Hollywood at it's "finest". Oh and lets not forget the "romatic plot" between Ash and Telly

OK the world is under control by aliens who experiment with humans but at least Telly gets her kid back!

OK one positive thing: A very cool car crash!

Sipmly put: This alien plot didn't work. If the movie would have been situated in the future, OK but this movie tries to be too much (drama, thriller, action, SiFi) but ends up being a big nothing.

Rocky Balboa (2006)

Excellent movie!

[9/10 · 27 January 2007]

I am a fan of Rocky (and Sly Stallone). I saw the first one when I was 7 or 8, so 23 years ago....amazing how time flies. The film grabbed me and never let me go and every couple of months I watch the complete Rocky anthology and time stands still for a couple hours and my battery is recharged so to speak.

Those movies will never loose their magic to me and I can honestly say that Rocky is the best movie ever. Period!

So when I heard that Stallone was planning a last installment of Rocky, I was curious, but also a little scared: Will it have the same feel and magic the other ones and especially the first one has?

Well yesterday, after months of waiting and speculating, the moment had arrived: I saw Rocky Balboa.

I was surprised and overwhelmed! What a great movie. It's right up there with the first one. A couple of surprises, good acting and some "flirting" with the previous movies and a great, realistically filmed final fight.

Rocky is a movie that is mandatory to watch because it's a movie about real persons, with real fears and hopes. Stuff we all can relate too, and Rocky Balboa is a great conclusion with the same heart-warming feel to it.

After seeing Rocky you feel you can take on the world...and that's what the Rocky movies do!

Megalodon (2002 Video)

You get what you expect!

[3/10 · 14 October 2006]

I just saw this movie last night. I bought it for 3 euros on DVD so you can't go wrong there. The reason I bought it is simple: I like movies about sharks and there are only a few about the Meg(alodon). Too few, but I heard that Jan de Bont wants to film the book Meg (great book) so lets hope that will happen. About this film: You get what you expect: A cheap-looking, low-budget (horror?)film. It takes about 45 minutes before we get to see the shark, so until then the viewer is bored with mediocre acting, simple character- and story building and cheap SE. The thing that bothered me the most were the computer generated effects. I hate that sooooo much and this whole movie comes from the computer: The snow, the helicopter, the oil rig and the shark. I understand that the budget was low but a computer isn't the solution. The other thing was that there were only a few actors in the movie: Should I believe that a handful of people operate a huge oil platform? Yeah right! The movie is about a shark, but the shark isn't convincing either. It looks good standing stil, but the way it moves, swims attacks etc etc isn't very good. And the climax...You almost have to see it to believe: It left me with unbelief...so dumb and simple.

It's a short movie (1 hr 12) minutes, the sound was horrible (DTS!), full screen, but what killed the movie were the computer effects....so not worth your time or money.

Kingdom of Heaven (2005)

Boring...............like I expected!

[4/10 · 17 March 2006]

This movie was very boring to me. OK the movie looked great but had hardly a story and even few action, only drama. I wanted to see a action-filled movie about the crusades/knights, with huge scenes and stuff. But I had to wait until the end before I got what I wanted.....and still didn't get what I wanted! Why? Because the attack on the city walls stopped several times because of the night setting in...it wasn't one big attack. A big disappointment...but I expected it. Lightning can't struck twice (like with "Gladiator").

And don't forget about Orlando Bloom..........he has to go back to acting-school (but that probably won't help...). This guy knows only one facial expression! He also lacks charisma and acting-power, like for example,a Russel Crow does have. Actors can make a difference....but it looks like some actors are just hired because of their pretty looks...and having a beard doesn't make you a better actor!

One positive thing though: Again my intuition hasn't let me down!

Sahara (2005)

dumb movie.......avoid!

[2/10 · 19 February 2006]

There's is so much wrong with this movie, I don't know where to begin..........but let's give it a try!

The story is dumb, not logical, has huge holes in it and is totally unbelievable. The movie lacks humor...and every try at it, it just doesn't happen. But the thing that killed the movie was the casting of one of the most horrible actors ever: Matthew McConaughey. This guy is just plain irritating, with his horrible accent and that macho attitude.....he tries to be an action figure in this movie but fails horrible. I can't stand him and his way of acting, talking etc etc.

You have to be really dumb, naieve or ignorant to buy how the (thin) story is presented. Totally unbelievable, an insult to common sense!

What a waste of money...what the hell is wrong with Hollywood last couple of years? Only remakes and big budget SE movies.

So avoid!

Oasis of the Zombies (1982)

Avoid at all costs!!!!!!!!

[1/10 · 9 February 2006]

This is a really bad movie and I suggest you don't spend your money on this one.

It's boring, amateuristic, dull and not bloody or scary, hell, it has nothing to do with horror at all!

This movie is about zombies, well we get to see the first zombie after about 40 minutes and it is a head of a plastic dummy.....and we get to see that plastic head a couple off times again! There is so much wrong with this movie, it is not funny anymore.

For example:

The sound is horrible, sometimes it looked like I was watching a silent movie with music on the background. Also the zombie make up is very, very, very poor. And in the end, when the zombies are destroyed by fire, the movie goes almost black because of all the smoke.

So, avoid at all costs!

Theater of Blood (1973)

Excellent, original, funny, scary and some gore!

[8/10 · 5 February 2006]

Vincent Price stars as a Shakesperean actor who doesn't get the respect he thinks he deserves from the critics. So he decides to show them his "talents"in his own way! This is an English horror movie from the early seventies.

I really liked this movie. Vincent Price is scary and funny at the same time. The story is original and the movie has some dry English humor. There is lots of blood and guts, but it is brought with humor. The movie is sometimes a bit over the top (like the fencing scene), but it fits the movie great.

Watch it if you get the chance.

The Killer Meteors (1976)

Not what I expected.....

[5/10 · 24 January 2006]

I bought a 12 DVD box set with all these old Jackie Chan movies and this is one of them.

I watched this movie in it's original (also dubbed?) Chinese dialogue because that was an option!

But I didn't really like this movie that much.

First, the story too complex, just towards the end is becomes clear what is going on and were the story is going. That's OK,nothing wrong with a good story, but watching the movie sometimes I had no idea what was going on. In stead of enjoying the kungfu, I was trying to follow the story!

Second: Thye movie lacks good kungfu and the martial arts are very, very poor and very slow. And that's why I watch a kungfu movie! To see exciting kungfu fights, especially when the movie stars Jackie Chan.

Third: This is NOT a Jacky Chan (Jackie Chan) movie as it is advertised. He has a small (but important) part, but he's not the main character. And the main actor doesn't have his charisma, fighting skills or humor.

So nice to see once, but nothing special.

New Police Story (2004)

Excellent!

[8/10 · 21 January 2006]

I've been a Jackie Chan since I saw "Dragon Lord" back in the late eighties. Always loved his movies, his humor, his fighting and of course his stunts.

This movie is (slightly) different from other Chan movies and this shows right at the beginning of the movie were we see Jackie Chan's character as an alcoholic cop, vomitting in an alley.

But don't let the dramatic story elements scare you off. It gives depth to Chan's character and the drama doesn't effect the action or whatever,it just adds an extra dimension to the well told story and it's characters.

Like I said before, an excellent action movie with great action, stunts, explosions, (kungfu) fighting and good acting!

Chan said a couple years back that he wants to "really act", not only be an action-star (something like that). Well, if this is want he meant by that, I say "Keep these movies coming!"

As far as I am concerned, Stallone, Schwarzenegger, Van Damme, Seagal and all other "action"heroes can learn a lot from this 50-year-old legend!

Be sure to watch this movie with it's original Chinese dialogue, so you won't be annoyed by the often badly done dubbing.

Planet of the Apes (1968)

A true classic! Mandatory cinema.

[9/10 · 16 January 2006]

Again a movie I've seem many many times on TV and video.

I recently bought the special edition 2 DVD of this movie and I have to say: This movie is, was and always will be a true classic, no matter how often you watch it.

The story is simply great:

Three astronauts crash on a planet that is ruled by apes and where mankind is at the low end of evolution.

I can't believe this movie is almost 40 years old.

Great acting by Charlton ("Get your hands of me, you damn dirty ape!") Heston and music by Jerry Goldsmith.

Don't forget the ape make-up. Although you don't see the lips move, it's still amazing stuff.

But the best part is the story and the idea behind it. Maybe a bit dated (mankind destroying themselves through atomic war) but try to imagine that this (crashing on this planet and being the only "intelligent" human) happened to you, the viewer. Trying to "prove" you ruled the planet and apes were just apes! Wow! The climax of the movie is simply one of the best ever, when Taylor realizes were he really is........ It will hit you like a hammer.

Like I said: A true classic!

Demolition Man (1993)

A futuristic-action movie!

[8/10 · 15 January 2006]

Another great Stallone movie after "Cliffhanger"!

I've seen this movie many times on VHS and just bought it on DVD. I really enjoyed watching this movie again.

This movie has it all: Big action, humor, some funny one-liners etc etc.

The story is simple:

Stallone plays a cop named John Spartan, nicknamed "Demolition Man", because...well, the name speaks for itself. His "nemesis" Simon Phoenix is played (with sadistic fun) by Wesley Snipes. They both end up in the future (2036) to battle it out again.

Stallone is obviously having fun playing this part and the same goes for Snipes. There are some hilarious parts in the movie. Maybe some social satire too? Also some great action, with a highlight in a nice car chase. Movie looks great too, set in the future with some ingenious gadgets/things.

I only have one complaint: The movie has parts/jokes that are hard to understand for non-Americans. Like the radio-tunes and some names, because we (I) simply don't know them.

So a fun action movie that 12 years on still is highly enjoyable.

But how about the three sea shells???????

Nighthawks (1981)

Excellent eighties action-thriller!

[8/10 · 15 January 2006]

I am a fan of Stallone for many years now. Started all with "Rocky" when I was a kid.

"Nighthawks" has nothing to do with the roles Stallone is famous for: His muscles. We don't even see his muscles in this movie. In stead we get a Stallone with a beard and HUGE glasses and acting relaxed.

A lot of people say Stallone can't act. I disagree, just look at this movie.

Stallone plays a street-cop who has to deal with a terrorist played by our national (Dutch) pride: Rutger Hauer.

This is a great action thriller, with great actors like Rutger Hauer, Billy Dee Williams and Joe Spinell (who also had a big part in "Rocky").

The action is great, just look at the sequence when Stallone and Williams are trying to catch Rutger Hauer in the subway. Great music also. The end is nice too, bit of a surprise there.

****SPOILER****

At the end (when Stallone shoots Hauer) the scene is cut. We see him shooting only two times, but the original scene is with 6 shots. So 4 shots were removed (for television).

Another fact is that Stallone directed a big part of this movie because the original director quit or was fired.

So if you're looking for a good action-thriller with a nice eighties feel and some good acting, look no further.

Playroom (1990)

Started nice, but ended as a disappointment.

[4/10 · 7 January 2006]

I bought this movie on VHS a while back and watched it last night. I was looking forward to seeing this movie, but was kinda disappointed in the end.

Here's the story (spoiler?):

An archaeologist (Christopher McDonald) has returning nightmares about his childhood when his family was killed. His father was (also played by Christopher McDonald) an archaeologist too and wants to finish his father's work (finding a tomb of an 10- year-old prince who sold his soul to a demon for eternal life) after he finds the map in a book cover. He and his girlfriend and 2 other friends (one alcoholic photographer and an ex-model.....to give the characters some depth......) go to the same place in Serbia were his family was killed to find this tomb. Once there, he get's obsessed with finding the entrance to the tomb and slowly goes insane when his imaginary friend appears again....

*******SPOILER*********

Turns out he killed his family out of revenge (and being under the influence of his imaginary friend) for being locked up in the "playroom" by his father. In there he makes up an imaginary friend. This imaginary friend turns out to be the prince "who doesn t want to be alone". Together they plot to kill his family and blame it on a worker.

There are some huge holes and non-logical things in the story and the story is also very simplistic. The main character goes insane very quickly, the ex-model changes from a Buddist to a nymph, the people in Serbia speak English etc etc.

Also I didn't like Christopher McDonald's acting. A lot of over-acting, which didn't work for me.

The movie isn't scary at all, nore bloody. But the thing that ruined the movie were the SE of the prince. First we see a young boy, but then we get to see his "real appearance": Some plastic dummy with the voice of that same boy!

2 Things I liked though: The setting off the movie in Serbia. That looked great. Second: I liked the ending.

But you have check that for yourself!

One Missed Call (2003)

Great movie!

[8/10 · 24 December 2005]

I saw this movie last night. MTV aired it here in The Netherlands as part of the AsiaMania series (Asian Screen). So cheers to MTV for that! I've been a Japan/Asia-fan since I saw Ringu back in 1999. I say to people to check out movies from other countries than the US. Like Japan or Spain. But a lot of people have troubles with the languae......and rent the US version............ Well, all I can say, they miss a lot of great movies. Like this one. Since I've seen a lot of these kinds of thrillers, this movie felt familiar. Kinda reminded me of Ringu and even Final Destination (...). The story is easy to follow (not always the case in Japanese cinema) and you'll be hooked right away. It also has some great SE and doesn't leave much to the imagination...every time that mobile phone rings you know somebody will die. I was kind of surprised by the SE because you don't see that much in ghost-thrillers. Some chillers moment too...and a couple of surprises. So, you can't go wrong with this movie.....don't wait for the remake....that will only stink...like a lot of movies that Hollywood produces lately!

The Rift (1990)

cheap............but I liked it.

[4/10 · 15 December 2005]

If you like poor SE, (some) bad acting and a total lack of credibility, this is a movie for you. So a really cheap looking movie, but I liked it anyway. Why? Because I like those kind of movies. I can't help but smile when I see these kind of movies....... What were the producers, actors, director and SE people thinking when they made this film? Don't expect an "Abyss" or "Alien", just a (very) low-budget horror/adventure movie.

There is one nice "splatter"moment when a guy's head is shot off, but for the most, the horror is pretty tame. The final monster is pretty cool too.

It's only 73 minutes long, so you can t go wrong there. Maybe you can pick it up at your local videostore or watch it on TV. I'm sure you will have a good time watching it.

But don't say you weren't warned.............