darthcasanova Reviews

Jurassic Shark (2012)

Jurassic Shart

[10 August 2022]

There's no words for this dumpster fire. I'll be honest, I have a huge soft spot for campy cheesy movies that are bad, it's a guilty pleasure, but this thing is literally unwatchable.

The opening scene had worse acting than a 70's porn film. From there, it just got worse. Once I saw the shark and the Microsoft paint quality effects, I was out. This thing makes an Asylum film look like Citizen Kane.

Obi-Wan Kenobi: Part III (2022) Season 1, Episode 3

Definitely a step up from the first two episodes

[1 June 2022]

It's nice that we're finally getting into the meat of the story between Vader and Obi Wan. Vader was brutal AF in this episode, playing cat and mouse with Ewan McGregor's character. Little Leia was better in this episode, not just acting wise but her character as well.

The thing that's still bugging me big time is the score. I'm not going to blame Natalie Holt, I'm putting this on the director because there was so much opportunity to bring back some classic themes. The score for the first two episodes was straight up bland, with the exception of Obi WAN's theme. This episode was not as bland and the score was a little better developed, but it's still not Star Warsian enough. Giacchino's theme from Rogue One for Vader's castle is such a great theme, that could have been revisited here. Vader's theme could've been used in a few places. I just keep thinking that this show would have so much more soul if it just got the John Williams treatment from beginning to end. We got thrown Duel of the Fates in the first trailer and that had everyone pumped. Star Wars has such memorable, sweeping iconic music and it's a shame that they didn't take full advantage of that, considering this story is so closely related to the saga.

Obi-Wan Kenobi (2022)

Worst Star Wars soundtrack. Ever.

[28 May 2022]

John Williams is Star Wars. Has always been. And even George Lucas and Stephen Spielberg give credit to John Williams to being the SOUL and SUCCESS of their films.

I remember when Mando and Boba Fett came out, being worried about terrible scores. But I was honestly impressed that the direction Ludwig Goransson took actually worked well for the series. The music is highly detailed and utilizes the leit motif concept that Williams does with character and events.

I know John Williams was called in to write the Kenobi theme for this, and I like that theme. However, the rest of the music by Natalie Holt is AWFUL. Its very generic and lazy and soulless and NOT STAR WARS.

Star Wars music has a feel to it. It tells the story all by itself. Even the Goransson scores tell a solid story by themselves. But what Natalie Holt pumped out is absolute pure garbage and is some of the most bland music ever written in the Star Wars universe. And it would've been ten times worse if she didn't have a Williams theme to work with. A space opera requires music of operatic quality. Not a bunch of below average scoring. It's terrible.

Interstellar Wars (2016)

Makes movies by The Asylum look like Citizen Kane

[17 January 2022]

First off, I love cheesy flicks. Roger Corman, George Pal, The Asylum and MarVista Productions. There's something about cheesy movies that are so bad they're good. But this don't even have that. It's an atrocity. It's not even amusing accidentally. There's fan films on YouTube made by grade school kids that blow this trainwreck out of the water.

There should be a warning on this video that prolonged exposure could lead to brain damage.

Super Cyclone (2012 Video)

Watch enough Asylum movies and you'll wind up in an asylum.

[16 January 2022]

You gotta love Asylum Production flicks. They've made a career out of mockbusters. They know they're cheesy and over the top. They pay homage to the Roger Corman films of the 70's and 80's, reusing footage from their other films. Corman was notorious for that. You think THIS movie's bad? Go watch StarCrash from the late 70's...

Deliberately cheesy effects, bad acting, plot holes, continuity issues, whiny teenagers, these are the ingredients of a great cheese fest.

These movies are meant to be a dumpster fire in the middle of a trainwreck.

Invasion: Home Invasion (2021) Season 1, Episode 6

It just gets worse and worse.

[12 November 2021]

Everyone needs a show to shred and shoot their nerf gun at, and this is the one. But it's not even amusing accidentally anymore.

Finally, aliens. Only took six episodes. And CGI that makes Sharknado look like Avatar.

For a minute we get hopeful and actually think the cheating husband annoying character is dead, but NOPE!!! The writers decide to troll us poor saps once again and keep that clown around for a while longer.

We didn't get any other storylines this time around; just focused on this train wreck of a family in an episode where you'd think at least the production team knows where the brightness is in Final Cut Pro.

This show is so bad that it could lead to divorces in real life...

Invasion: Going Home (2021) Season 1, Episode 5

Well we finally got a flutter of substance

[6 November 2021]

A vague speech by the president, and a baby alien spore thingie. Only took five episodes.

I don't know what the writers are going for, and at this point I'm afraid to ask.

Why am I watching this trainwreck?

Starman: The Gift (1986) Season 1, Episode 11

Such a beautiful episode

[31 October 2021]

Sure this show is a little cheesy from being dated, but this episode holds a timeless quality. Starman gives Paul Forrester's mother the best Christmas present ever; reconciliation between mother and son.

Invasion (2021–2024)

Offally Awful

[30 October 2021]

I actually prefer stories with great character development. It's one reason I watch a lot of old school movies and tv shows.

But this is going NOWHERE. In four episodes I only cared once, and that was to see the kid Caspar make it up the wall. I'm lucky I even remember his name, bc frankly I don't remember much of these characters.

This show feels like a giant troll on the viewers. The writing is absolutely terrible and not memorable. This entire writing department should be fired.

With a zillion shows on tv watch something else.

Invasion: The King Is Dead (2021) Season 1, Episode 4

Just keeps getting worse

[30 October 2021]

There a billion hours of tv out there to watch, this is going nowhere and by the review ratings it's obvious it won't get another season. And we all at this pace aliens won't show up until season 4.

This feels more like a troll on the viewers than an actual tv show.

Scrubs: My Tuscaloosa Heart (2002) Season 1, Episode 18

Yes that's actually Kelso playing the guitar

[27 October 2021]

Love this show and love this episode. Bonus that it's actually Ken Jenkins playing the guitar bc there's nothing cheesier than fake instrument posting in tv and movies. Bravo that he's a talented musician as well as an actor.

Invasion: Orion (2021) Season 1, Episode 3

Watching paint dry would be more exciting

[24 October 2021]

This trainwreck in in sloooooooow motion. No point in a spoiler alert, nothing has happened after three episodes. The aliens plan on killing us all by boring us to death.

The only reason it's worth watching at this point is to see the little bully kid get eaten alive slowly and methodically by a giant alien monster.

The Last Ship: Unreal City (2015) Season 2, Episode 1

Finally a halfway decent episode

[16 October 2021]

It only took until season 2, but hey this campy over the top brain rot has finally paid off when Baldwin buries an ax in the chest of Major Dbag.

This show is definitely great for friends over to laugh at every snafu and cheese ball plot, it has to be written by 4th graders. But at least it's accidentally amusing.

The Last Ship (2014–2018)

Michael "Murica" Bay

[16 October 2021]

This show is soooooo bad, that my friends and I can't stop watching it just to roast it episode by episode. The typical cheesy Michael Bay expected music, the typical low rent stereotypes, characters that even after watching an entire season still make you feel nothing for them. The whole thing is just a giant flag waving session with about as much substance as the Jerry Springer show.

For serious viewer who love it in its own merit, I recommend The Kardashians and Jersey Shore, you'll probably drool over those.

The Last Ship: Two Sailors Walk Into a Bar... (2014) Season 1, Episode 8

Live Action Team America

[3/10 · 16 October 2021]

This trainwreck gets worse by the episode. If you watch it the way you'd watch a cheesy sci fi b movie from the fifties, you won't be disappointed.

Other than that it's just a bunch of gung ho flag waving Michael Bay tripe.

La Brea: Day Two (2021) Season 1, Episode 2

Even the CGI is from 10,000 BC

[6 October 2021]

This show is soooo bad. There's nothing really memorable about the characters, two episodes in and there's no one who really stands out. They had a great premise and so far everything is falling flat.

Only Murders in the Building: The Boy from 6B (2021) Season 1, Episode 7

Is compulsive home breaking a thing with your bull$&it generation?

[30 September 2021]

This episode was pristine. Worthy of an Emmy. It revealed more clues than any episode yet, with nary a word spoken.

James Caverly and Nathan Lane owned this episode. And never has Scrabble been so saucy....

10/10 for this masterpiece.

Family: Coming of Age (1976) Season 2, Episode 4

It's a trip back in time watching these

[27 September 2021]

And seeing famous actors and actresses before they were famous.

Last episode had Dana Plato and Helen Hunt. This episode has Tommy Lee Jones.

It's great bingeing this old classic series on Tubi. Reminds me of childhood memories and there's a wholesome simplicity that's missing from a lot of current television.

Family: A Right and Proper Goodbye (1976) Season 1, Episode 4

This show's great. I was just a little kid when it aired.

[25 September 2021]

It's amazing going back 45 years and watching something you completely forgot you used to watch every week. I was too young to really understand the show back then, but it hits you a little harder and deeper as an adult.

Sure the show feels dated and even has grown a little cheese, but it has a timeless quality that lives on and has a lot of class. I glad I found this gem on Tubi recently and decided to give it a binge. It brings back memories long forgotten and reminds me of a simpler time.

Fantasy Island: Día de los Vivos (2021) Season 1, Episode 8

Ain't gonna lie, thought it was a great episode.

[21 September 2021]

It has the strength of the first episode, and it bookended the season beautifully. It has a lot of touching moments and was well written.

The season has a few bad episodes, a little too much cheese on some, but this one was really great and had good depth.

If they come back for a second season, I hope they have more episodes along this line of class.

Fantasy Island: The Romance & The Bromance (2021) Season 1, Episode 7

Show's tanking fast

[18 September 2021]

Sad. I really liked this show. But a reason the original series lasted 7 seasons is because it had a darkness and mystery to it. Sure, it didn't age too well after 40 years, but it's a classic because it had a mysterious depth.

This show has no depth at all unfortunately. Everything is on the surface. And it's already getting cheesy. It took the original series 40 years to get cheesy, and that's only because it's so dated.

You got an opportunity to bring back Fantasy Island, Elena and Ruby are good characters and the show started off great but it's feeling more and more plastic by the episode.

Fantasy Island: Twice in a Lifetime (2021) Season 1, Episode 5

This show's getting worse.

[12 September 2021]

It's not the actors, it's the writing. This one was sooooo cheesy, and it could've been great.

There's no way this shows gonna survive more than a season at this rate, and that's too bad because I actually like the main characters. But turn back the sap a few notches.

Only Murders in the Building: How Well Do You Know Your Neighbors? (2021) Season 1, Episode 3

Don't stand so close to Sting

[3 September 2021]

I lost it at that line. The episodes are definitely getting better. Looking forward to next week's!

Alien Conquest (2021)

Dumpster Fire inside a Train Wreck

[25 July 2021]

I absolutely love cheesy b rate movies, but this wasn't even amusing accidentally. There wasn't even an effort for continuity, not that one would really notice because you'll spend more time playing with your phone than paying attention to this atrocity. H. G. Welles is spinning in his grave realizing that some joker took his premise and butchered it to hell and back. The spaceships and aliens did look cool for a quick minute but most the CGI was god awful, as was the acting in this monstrosity. It's a miracle I watched all the way through, but like any great train wreck, you can't look away.

The X-Files: Kaddish (1997) Season 4, Episode 15

One of my favorite x-files soundtracks.

[6 July 2021]

A great supernatural episode without being too supernatural. But shoutout to Mark Snow for a great melodic soundtrack.