lobomcthirsty Reviews

Nightmare (2005)

Call the NTSB. We got a train wreck.

[3/10 · 7 July 2011]

First of all, a quick message to the crew of the movie. When you go onto a site like IMDb, where people can click on the user-name you made up in two seconds by mashing on the keyboard to make up good reviews for your own movie, it is a good idea to maybe review some other titles first? Just so you don't, you know, look like you are shamelessly self-promoting. Because that makes you look like a scab.

Anyway, I digress.

Our hero of the story, a film student who is celebrating his latest well-received project, goes to a party and meets a girl. Within about an hour of meeting the girl, the two bump ugly for most of the night. Waking up the next morning, they find a mysterious camcorder. And on the camcorder is what appears to be the two of them committing a murder. Rather than do the logical thing and either turn it in to the police or destroy it, our hero decides to use not just the concept, but the camera its self for his latest script.

Now. This is the best way I can describe the movie: naked. This movie is very naked. Softcore porn naked. In fact, this movie could pretty much be described as such with a violent bent. Nearly every character in the movie struts about naked, with most of the primaries including the two protagonists strutting about in their birthday suits for at least a quarter of the movie, in many scenes to where it becomes farcical. In one instance, the main character goes out into a hallway and strikes up a conversation with another character in the buff for no apparent reason.

But then again, a lot of things in this movie seem to happen for no apparent reason. Once you get past the point where they discover the camera and tape, the film begins to get shaky. And by the middle of the film, the plot completely derails. Where the main characters are and what their motivations are become fuzzier and fuzzier. And that is if they make it to the end of the movie without completely vanishing. Character development, save their development towards an inevitable nude scene is practically non-existent. And where it does exist, it goes off into irrelevant tangents and confused "twists". Ultimately, little if anything gets resolved. Even the initial plot starter--the mysterious tape--is never explained or largely even touched upon.

Another core aspect of the movie is the violence. Just as prevalent as the nudity and often accompanying it are violent scenes that are literally senseless. This is not at all enhanced by poor effects that often seem better suited for some D-grade slasher or monster movie. It contributes nothing to the plot and is clearly made only to shock and disturb.

Nightmare is, in summation a pretentious and cheap shlock film. It almost seems as if it were written and directed by a pubescent pre-teen, claiming some shaky premise of artistic merit and using his time behind the camera to get as much fake blood and as many people naked on-screen as possible. If you want to watch a movie in the style this attempts, go watch Jacobs Ladder. It is in far, far better taste.

Southern Fried Stings (2010– )

What IS this?

[2/10 · 26 June 2011]

Jay and his team get into some pretty crazy situations. They get guns pointed in their faces, surprise the heck out of drug-dealing moms and in general fight crime in the South. But watching this show, just one little thing is nagging at me...

Just WHAT the Hell are these guys? Private Detectives? Private Security? Some sort of private crime-busting organization that is half Neighborhood Watch and half Minutemen? Well, I suppose it is all irrelevant anyway, since like every "reality" show on the insipid truTV network it does not disguise it's fabricated nature at all.

Are we to seriously expect any non-governmental organization could get away with half of the things they get involved in? How is it that this group of A-Team wanna-be's can get involved in more car chases and stick-ups than the real thing as shown on COPS? In our litigation-happy nation, Jay and his crew would have been sued out of business long ago considering how reckless they act. And while it is difficult to describe, SFS is one of those shows that anyone of reasonable intelligence can tell is a scripted sham. It is as cleverly written as a 2nd-grader's play and just as immature.

Seriously. If you like watching Jersey Shore, Operation Repo, and similar shows, you will probably enjoy this. You also probably enjoy eating lead paint chips, so there is really no point in really trying to stop you from doing either activity. Everyone who has not had their brains destroyed by heavy metal poisoning? Avoid it like a fried twinkie.

Falling Skies (2011–2015)

Like The Walking Dead, with Aliens. And not as good.

[24 June 2011]

Let's face it. When a show comes up with a really good idea or--in the case of The Walking Dead--adapts a really good idea into a TV show well, the imitators will come out in droves. Lump that in with a rash of Alien invasion media coming out lately (Battle L.A, Resistance 3 and you could even argue for Avatar among them) and you get some clever fellow at TNT--where they apparently know drama--to create a TV show about an alien invasion.

The show starts off through a child's drawings. Literally, the entire first six months of alien invasion, conquest and occupation are glossed over by some sad little boy's narration on how the aliens killed his mother, blew up all the soldiers, kicked little puppy dogs and generally made a right mess of things. You might think that, given this rush through those first moments of the invasion, the problem with the show would be that it eschews plot development for action.

Well, you are half-right. Rather than eschewing the plot for action, it instead ignores plot for long scenes full of socio-political analogies. Oh, this is full of them. Needs of the many v.s needs of the few, doing one's duty as opposed to fulfilling one's moral or personal obligations, how the needs of the military can conflict with the needs of the people, etc. That, and the main character occasionally makes the obligatory historical references. You can see them coming from a mile away and they are often thrown in with all the subtlety of a flaming brick through a window.

Along with these tired social/political internal examinations, there is also a tired cast of stereotypical military movie characters. The main character plays the part of the reluctant, middle-class squad-leader, ready with a historical to show how the good-guys can win even if sometimes his judgement is not always so great. His good-meaning but often hot-headed second in command, who just happens to be the protagonists' son. The immediate superior of the main, who is a hard bastard who's dedication to the cause over the people he commands puts him at odds with the protagonist and makes others question his competence. HIS immediate superior, the great leader whom everyone rallies behind. The bad-ass, the rookie, the token minorities, etc.

Along with that, there are numerous post-apocalypse stereotypes. Foraging for food and ammo, which while always mentioned to be short supply is thrown out or fired off at the drop of a proverbial hat. Aimlessly roaming groups of the nasty bad-guys who seem to live for nothing other than to cause trouble for the humans. And of course, the time-honored raider/bandit. Where would we be without those hopelessly cynical and psychopathic marauders? Well, without an ending to the 2 hour premier, since this 2-hour pilot's last thirty minutes seems to focus more on them than the aliens.

And, of course, there is the prevailing sense of what I call "AMERICA!". That is not to say having American culture in a show is a problem. National identity is good. But like too many hot-dogs on the 4th of July, too much and it starts to get a bit nauseating to all but the most hard-core glutton/patriot. In Falling Skies, this includes a lack of even brief mention of any other country OTHER than America in the post-invasion world, American flags draped and waving pretty much every third or fourth scene and even in Mr. Military Historian's analogies. For example, he tries to pick up the spirits of his squad by mentioning how a technologically inferior force can defeat a technologically superior foe. His examples include the American Revolution, but fail to mention probably be best known example of all: the victory of the North Vietnamese over the U.S Military.

Overall, the two hour series premiere of Falling Skies promises to give us a woefully underwhelming affair full of military, post-apocalypse and alien invasion stereotypes and a mash of themes, characters and settings that other movies and television shows have been doing better for years. It is by no means cringe-worthy terrible, but it is thoroughly mediocre and forgettable.

Survivorman (2004– )

Bye Bye Bear

[23 May 2011]

One man. A few cameras. Lots of batteries and tape. No food. Sometimes just a canteen of water and the most help he will get is a "rescue team" that often looses contact with him. Through it all, using his learned skill and wiry wit, Les battles not just the elements but his own human frailties and feelings of isolation.

Immediately, the differences between this and Bear Grylls' show, Man Vs. Wild, become apparent. There is little to no theatrics. He does not grab everything he sees and tries to bite it. He does not go running around in the latest garb from L.L Bean and only rarely does he throw himself into situations which are more or less avoidable.

This is not only more interesting entertainment, but also makes for a more human experience and more valuable survival advice. Without all the blatant theatrics, the message of the episodes become clear, and the techniques become better ingrained on the minds of the people watching it. And it is fascinating to watch Les struggle through not just the physical, but mental fatigues and pains that come with surviving alone in all the wildernesses of the world.

Unfortunately, Les canceled this fantastic show. And considering the physical strain it was putting him under, I don't blame him. And while Bear continues to throw himself at trees to a thundering orchestra, this show still has more educational value.

I highly recommend you watch this show if you are at all interested in learning about how to survive the most extreme situations from the comfort of your own home.

Operation Repo (2007–2014)

It's Unbelievable!...No, really.

[2/10 · 13 May 2011]

This show is the same show you will watch when you see any of the other truTV (a more ironic name there has yet to be) shows, such as Southern Fried Stings, All Worked Up and Hardcore Pawn.

Right from the start, a sort of fabricated atmosphere clings it's self to the program that can not be shaken. There are never any situations involving a hint of normalcy, to the point where in order to believe it one would have to assume that the city of Los Angeles has one repo agency of about four or five people doing hundreds--if not thousands--of repossessions within the span of a week. Either that, or normal people simply do not exist in LA (and as a New Yorker, I know this just opens up for all sorts of rimshot-worthy cracks).

But even if it were not fake--which the show tries to excuse by claiming they are "re-enactments"--this would qualify as the worst-run business on planet Earth. It's simply unreal to see Luis seriously try to run a business where many of the employees are not just antagonistic, but downright combative with the people they are supposedly repossessing from. Which I figure is about the same as zoo keepers smacking bears with sticks for yucks.

But it is fake. And fake or real, it's part of a disturbing trend in reality TV; focusing on the misery and desperation of others for the sake of entertainment. And in a time in our nation's history when so many are getting foreclosed on and having property repossessed by predatory loan companies, this sort of thing is not just insensitive, it's cruel. truTV is cruel for making it, and whoever has been watching it for the past eight or so seasons is even worse. Congratulations; I hope the bottom of that barrel is comfortable.

Shoot 'Em Up (2007)

An okay--if ultimately forgettable--action flick.

[5/10 · 13 May 2011]

Don't get me wrong. Shoot 'Em Up will tell you everything you need to know from the title. It's about shooting guns at just about everything that moves, and plenty of things that don't too. And as far as a plot, its about a British man who takes care of a baby for it's now dead mother.

It's nothing you would not expect, really. So why am I rating it so middle-of-the-line? Because, frankly, it's pretty soulless. Now I am not going to try and say that John Woo's flicks are going to win Oscars for plot or character development. But the characters in his films--by and large--still manage to make you care even if only slightly for their well being. And either the setting (Hard Boiled) or the plot (The Matrix) are so compelling that your interest will be held.

Shoot 'Em Up, however, fails to do this. Perhaps it is the anonymity of the setting and characters, or perhaps it is because of it's predictability, but I found myself failing to care even slightly for the fates of any one character. Clive Owen's character seems to be a childish interpretation of a sort of Man With No Name-style character, and Giamatti's villain tries hard to come off as some sort of family-man on the side, displaying depths of depravity make that downright unbelievable. Everyone else you either hate or do not care about (though at least the people you hate--by and large--are those you are supposed to hate, which is not all that difficult frankly).

The movie at its face seems to want to be a sort of Woo-styled gun-play movie, but it can't seem to stick to it. It tries to be part Western too with it's mysterious lead and ruthless bounty hunter antagonist, a few bits of 70's Grindhouse Cinema levels of sexual perversion and even part "science gone mad!" and political statement towards the end of it. This all makes the impression that the director wants to take it past the sort of "face value" action movie that many people take it to be. This might be fine were it not so ineptly done to the point of pretentiousness.

The only reason that Shoot 'Em Up is not truly awful is the action sequences. Some of these are unique and impressive (such as Clive Owen's character using a playground merry-go-round to deflect Giamatti's aim at a baby in the center), whereas others are CGI-fests that seem to try just a little too hard to squeeze a "wow" out of you. The movie can't even afford the use of squibs, substituting the classic squirts of arterial spray for CGI-generated red blots. Now that is just cutting corners!

In the end, it fails to be engaging in it's plot, largely fails to be innovative in it's action sequences and just barely avoids being so cookie-cutter as to be truly despicable (Max Payne, anyone?). For fans of the genre, there are far superior titles to enjoy. But if you are aiming for a stupid afternoon killing movie you will forget by the end of the day, Shoot 'Em Up will sufficie.

The Way of War (2009)

Cuba does something, something and something else.

[2/10 · 20 February 2011]

Cuba Gooding Jr. and J.K Simmons star in this movie. And frankly, that is about as far as you can get me to say anything more than a wild guess pertaining to what goes on in this movie's plot. The story it's self is a confusing fare, involving Cuba's cardboard cut-out character shooting at Arabs in a random abandoned building, finding a guy who is heavily implied to be Osama bin-Laden sick in bed, his wife getting killed and watching a boxing match. This is not helped at all by the fact that the movie is told in flashbacks, so that the ending of the movie is actually the middle of the plot. I think? Who knows, and who cares. I watched until the end purely to see if maybe some form of explanation or resolution would be offered, and none was to be had.

Adding to the confusion for DVD viewers--at least for me--was the fact the often muttered speech is not helped at all by the subtitles, which were often displaying text that was several scenes ahead of what was going on, mostly confusing but sometimes unintentionally funny.

Cuba, I seriously hope that you took this on for a boat payment, and that this is not a sign of your future career. Fingers crossed!

The X-Files: X-Cops (2000) Season 7, Episode 12

Funny, interesting...And unfairly panned.

[9/10 · 1 May 2008]

I am a fan of the different. The strange, the unusual, the experimental. This sentiment is not always shared. And to the longtime fans of a television series in particular, a general sentiment is that everything is written in stone. To deviate is to blaspheme. And it seems, unfortunately, that is the case with this episode.

Mulder and Scully chase a monster across Los Angeles, to which the witnesses of said monster can not all agree on what exactly the monster is. The twist? It's all being recorded--by the cameramen of COPS.

I thought it was good, funny and strangely charming if a little open ended. But knowing how fans react to the different, strange, unusual and experimental (ironically the very things the X-Files were in the beginning and what attracted many fans, including myself, to the show), I was not surprised to find the episode had been panned. How irrelevant, they howled. Irrelevant to what, one wonders? The tired, seemingly endless plot line about a grandiose alien conspiracy? Is that what we should be saying about the interesting episodes about the Fluke-Man or the ancient killer insects in logs? Surely, there were no Hybrid Alien Government Green-Bloods in those!

Maybe it was just the combination of my two favorite shows. Maybe it was the completely blind-siding concept. Maybe I just love a show that can poke fun at it's self and dare to mix things up. Or maybe it was that itch for the strange and unusual. But regardless, I loved it. And if you keep an open mind, like our intrepid duo, you may very well do so yourself.

The House of the Dead 2 (1999 Video Game)

Replay Value in a Zombie Shooter?!

[17 April 2006]

Ah, the Dreamcast. Thou shall be missed. And one of the good titles of the console was House of the Dead 2 (not THE best mind you, but still pretty good).

Ignore, if you will, the wooden acting. Ignore, if you will, the interesting but predictable Eco-nut plot (Yep, Eco-Nuts and Zombies, a match made in Heaven) but whatever you do, don't ignore the game play! I kid you not. You could play through this whole game just hitting the 'skip cut-scene' button and not feel cheated in the least, lest you enjoy wooden 'so bad it's hysterical' acting. It's the game play that truly shines.

For a game of it's era, the graphics were top-notch. Who can forget the oodles of fun at shooting a zombie into a gory mess? Be as cruel and merciless as you please in this game, just blasting away legs and arms, blowing soccer-ball sized shots into the chests of the beasts.

As with the previous HOTD, one of the more interesting aspects is saving innocent victims of the zombie attacks. In doing so, you can go multiple paths that can totally change encounters with zombies and alter the arena's where you fight the bosses.

The bosses themselves are challenging and various, and only the best can pass by them without a scratch. Each one sports it's own unique area of weakness, varying from patches on the body to separate entities close to the boss. The variety is evident, as they range Jasonzilla's to multiple snake-like beasts acting in unison.

The Replay value comes in the form of an 'extras' mode. During the regular single-player game, one can collect various items from civilians they save, destroying objects in the environment, or shooting items as they appear. They can then use these items, which range from extra credits to machine-guns and novelty items, such as a mode where instead of bullets, you shoot fishing lures. There is also a challenge mode, where one must complete objectives presented to them for a star grade. These challenges range from saving civilians to destroying barrels in a shooting race against the clock. Also available is a Boss Arena, where you can choose to defeat bosses from the game with only a single credit and four hits to your name.

The only real flaws are the rather odd final enemies (Cyborg Zombies with light sabers, ahoy!) and the lackluster acting (It's only real competitor in this category is the original PS1 Resident Evil, in my humble opinion.) The moral, kids, is that you can still make a really fun game centering around shooting the living hoo-ha out of anything without a pulse and still have a gaming experience with enough replay value to keep you on your crusade against the dead for years, even if the action of point, click, boom does get repetitive after awhile.

an 8.5 out of a possible 10.

**!!!!SPOILER!!!!** The XBOX game House Of The Dead 3 features the full game, replay elements and all, once you beat it fully. It's a real treat for those who did not get the chance to play the original game.