perni Review of Action Jackson

Action Jackson (1988)

Would anyone like a bowl of macaroni and CHEESE?

[16 November 2003]

Did you get my joke? No? Well then let me explain it to you cretins out there who have never indulged in bad cinema. Mike Nelson, the genius who wrote for and hosted the insanely brilliant series Mystery Science Theatre 3000, published a book all about wonderfully cheesy movies that he liked to watch. Action Jackson was just one of those movies, and I am glad to say that while it is most certainly dumb and as predictable as a parking meter, it's just goofy enough to be fun. A lot of people think that when a critic calls a film cheesy, they mean it's bad. Not necessarily, my naive friends. Everyone likes to eat cheese every now and then, right? Heck, one of my all-time favorite foods is macaroni and cheese! Sure, we all like to pretend that we have refined tastes, munching on caviar and other such sophisticated vittles, but every now and then we just have to let our hair down and have a nice slice of good American cheese. And trust me folks, Action Jackson, is just dripping with the stuff. Just look at the plot: A former lieutenant known for his hot temper and loose cannon tactics is reduced to a desk job (check). He has a bookish superior who likes to play by the rules and refuses to let our hero see some "action" until he shapes up (check). Then suddenly a new case opens up - it seems that the same man who cost Action Jackson's lieutenant position is up to his old tricks, but no one suspects him because he's a respected businessman (check). Will Action Jackson uncover the villain's dastardly plot, save the day, get the chick who he at first thought was annoying, and get that lucrative lieutenant position back? What do you think?! Come on, this is as by the numbers as you can get, people. This story has been done hundreds of times, and yet here it's still simple, dorky fun. Action Jackson is played by the man who trained Sylvesyer Stallone in the original Rocky, and Craig "Coach" T. Nelson himself is the bad guy. And to top it all off, VANITY is the romantic love interest! I could not believe it when her named popped up on the screen. Now I own two movies starring this horrible actress: Today's feature, and the John Stamos spy disaster, Never Too Young To Die. What a small world, huh? There are explosions, car chases, groovy 80s tunes, and even a hotel manager whose lisp is so obvious that you can't understand a word he says. How can you go wrong? Trust me folks, this is not painful in the slightest. Well, okay, maybe Vanity's two songs can be zipped through via the fast forward button (check out her nasty hair!), but otherwise Action Jackson is a great B-movie for those rainy days.