I would not go so far as to say it is impossible to make an enjoyable movie from a video game. But I will say that it has yet to be accomplished. "Lara Croft: Tomb Raider" is just another miserable failure in a series of such events.
The movie completely fails to connect from its opening "action" scene - a concept itself ripped wholesale from Indiana Jones. Lara is raiding a tomb - or is she - and wrestles a 50,000 ton robot. Yes, wrestles a robot. In one particularly ridiculous scene the robot decks her with a metal hand. Lara grimaces, then wrestles it some more. When I was in Little League I was once hit in the head with an aluminum bat, and I was unconscious for almost fifteen minutes. If a robot decks you full strength and you aren't fazed, why pay any attention to it at all? Particularly, why continue to empty clip after clip of ammo into the thing when bullets just ricochet off of its exterior?
Now one can certainly say that the movie isn't based in reality, and one shouldn't nitpick it, blah blah. The story is obviously targeted at teens: from Lara's ridiculous, cone-shaped breasts to her short-shorts to her collagen-injected lips. But to those of us who have actually had sex in our lifetimes, it really is boring. Angelina Jolie just isn't that hot. I'm sorry. She is a blow-up doll with bulbous lips. The bad English accent is just insult added to injury. She apparently thinks this is real acting.
This movie, like so many other recent movies that have taken an existing action formula and tried to deliver a polished carbon copy, is a miserable experience. Nothing feels compelling. Everything is an injection-molded plastic replica of some idea that used to be fun. It makes me wonder what Indiana Jones would be like were the movies made today. Anyone remember how Indy fought? He was a brawler, and he got messy. He never did showy crap with his guns, he just used them. Here, whenever Lara has to use her guns, she is doing all kinds of twirls and flips with them (always in extreme close up to conceal the hand double). Her fights are that rapid-edit MTV chop-socky crap that pervades all modern cinema. If you want to impress me with a fight, pull the camera back and let me watch it.
There is no reason for this movie to exist except to ogle Angelina Jolie in tight clothing. Are we so afraid of being called gay that we can't reject such a ridiculous notion? I live in Southern California and I see women as attractive as Jolie on a daily basis. Big deal. I wouldn't watch any of them in a movie, so why Jolie? Why do we continue to lie to ourselves that she is a talented actress?
The biggest insult of this movie is watching Arnold Rimmer himself, Chris Barrie, slum it in true "I need a paycheck" style. I seriously hope the Red Dwarf movie makes it to the states so people can see him in a role that utilizes his comic talent, rather than wasting it like this cinematic insult does.
The movie completely fails to connect from its opening "action" scene - a concept itself ripped wholesale from Indiana Jones. Lara is raiding a tomb - or is she - and wrestles a 50,000 ton robot. Yes, wrestles a robot. In one particularly ridiculous scene the robot decks her with a metal hand. Lara grimaces, then wrestles it some more. When I was in Little League I was once hit in the head with an aluminum bat, and I was unconscious for almost fifteen minutes. If a robot decks you full strength and you aren't fazed, why pay any attention to it at all? Particularly, why continue to empty clip after clip of ammo into the thing when bullets just ricochet off of its exterior?
Now one can certainly say that the movie isn't based in reality, and one shouldn't nitpick it, blah blah. The story is obviously targeted at teens: from Lara's ridiculous, cone-shaped breasts to her short-shorts to her collagen-injected lips. But to those of us who have actually had sex in our lifetimes, it really is boring. Angelina Jolie just isn't that hot. I'm sorry. She is a blow-up doll with bulbous lips. The bad English accent is just insult added to injury. She apparently thinks this is real acting.
This movie, like so many other recent movies that have taken an existing action formula and tried to deliver a polished carbon copy, is a miserable experience. Nothing feels compelling. Everything is an injection-molded plastic replica of some idea that used to be fun. It makes me wonder what Indiana Jones would be like were the movies made today. Anyone remember how Indy fought? He was a brawler, and he got messy. He never did showy crap with his guns, he just used them. Here, whenever Lara has to use her guns, she is doing all kinds of twirls and flips with them (always in extreme close up to conceal the hand double). Her fights are that rapid-edit MTV chop-socky crap that pervades all modern cinema. If you want to impress me with a fight, pull the camera back and let me watch it.
There is no reason for this movie to exist except to ogle Angelina Jolie in tight clothing. Are we so afraid of being called gay that we can't reject such a ridiculous notion? I live in Southern California and I see women as attractive as Jolie on a daily basis. Big deal. I wouldn't watch any of them in a movie, so why Jolie? Why do we continue to lie to ourselves that she is a talented actress?
The biggest insult of this movie is watching Arnold Rimmer himself, Chris Barrie, slum it in true "I need a paycheck" style. I seriously hope the Red Dwarf movie makes it to the states so people can see him in a role that utilizes his comic talent, rather than wasting it like this cinematic insult does.