***SPOILERS*** ***SPOILERS*** This movie is so bad on so many levels, I don't even know where to begin. I suppose I'll start with the synopsis. That's harmless enough. The Musketeer opens up on a young D'Artagnan (Justin Chambers, "The Wedding Planner") in 17th century France, as he witnesses the unprovoked murder of his parents at the hands of the villainous Febre (Tim Roth, "Planet of the Apes"), over unpaid taxes. Even back then, taxmen were vilified. At least now all they can do is audit you. Little D'Artagnan is a spunky boy, and he tries to fight back but all he manages is a sword-slash to Febre's left eye. No matter that the weapon probably weighed more than he did. For some reason, the merciless, heartless tax-collector-cum-killer lets the little boy live. (Which turns out to be a big mistake, if you hadn't guessed.) D'Artagnan grows up with an unspecified mentor who teaches him the way of the sword as they travel across the land, looking either for Febre, or other musketeers so D'Artagnan can join up. I'm not sure which is the quest, but at any rate, they find both. The Three Musketeers, Aramis, Athos and Porthos (Nick Moran, Jan Gregor Kremp, and Steve Speirs, respectively), who have peripheral roles here at best, are portrayed as one-dimensional bumblers. Febre, who hasn't aged a day in lo these many years, is as cartoony-cruel as ever. Nowadays, he's hooked up with the unscrupulous, greedy Cardinal Richelieu (Stephen Rea, "The End of the Affair") and they're out to overthrow the King. Enter the Musketeers. As they clang sword tips together and proclaim, "All for one! One for all!" you can imagine the phrase being delivered without the exclamation points. Collectively, they possess about as much passion as a parking meter. Along the way, D'Artagnan falls in love with a feisty peasant girl, Francesca, portrayed by Mena Suvari ("American Pie 2") with as much sass and flash as a department store mannequin. She delivers her lines as though she thought she was memorizing the script for something that might have been called American Musketeer 2. She really needs to stick to films with the word "American" in the title, I think. Although there is absolutely no spark between the two young lovers onscreen, perhaps they are well-matched. Chambers is just as white-bread bland, and obviously miscast, as Suvari is. There's the requisite oops-I-saw-you-naked scene early on in the movie. And then. there's another one! Then, of course they make love. And, again of course, while practically en flagrato, the maiden winds up in the clutches of the dastardly Febre, who has also kidnapped the Queen (Catherine Deneuve, "Dancer in the Dark"). Deneuve and Rea are the only actors worth watching in this whole debacle. That is, if you could see them. Director/cinematographer Peter Hyams ("End of Days") has made this film so dark and drab, at first I thought I was watching a work print. I'm not opposed to artistic inkyness or black used as negative space, but there is just no excuse for what's on the screen here. The color balance is way off, and most of the fight scenes are shot so claustrophobically you can hardly tell who's who (which the actors probably preferred; the less face-time the better). In addition to the poor cinematography and dull, dull direction, the egregiously loud soundtrack, with decibel-levels to rival an AC/DC vs. Motorhead concert, is strictly standard fare. The Musketeer tries for a few laughs here and there, but it appears Hyams really couldn't decide what he wanted to do in regards to this. In one especially disastrously directed scene, D'Artagnan must abandon his spent steed, who has carried him at full gallop across the countryside to rescue the Queen and his lady love. The horse sinks down to the ground, heaving with exhaustion. D'Artagnan, leaving the poor creature in full saddle and bridle, vows to return for him as he dashes off. I think this was meant to be serious moment between man and trusty beast, but the screening audience was laughing all through it. (And by the way, D'Artagnan broke his promise. He should be horse-whipped for that!) Much has been made of Xin-Xin Xiong choreographing the fight scenes for The Musketeer, and when one goes to see a swashbuckler, one excepts a lot of sword play. You do get a lot here. Too much. After 19 sword fights, the big, climactic showdown at the end is minimized. Still, Xiong's choreography shines -- as the Musketeer swings from long ropes suspended on the side of a tower, and teeters on the end of long ladders (how lucky the castle was being renovated at that moment!), he cuts an almost-dashing figure. Still, he's no Errol Flynn (or even Jackie Chan). I was looking forward to the action in this movie, and came away very disappointed (not to mention bored). Hyams has stressed in interviews that despite the hiring of an Asian fight choreographer, he purposely stayed away from Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon/Matrix-like tricks. Since the movie's lead actors didn't stay in the traditional French mode anyway, and since the dialogue doesn't even try for authenticity, why not go for some Far Eastern-embellished, stylized swashbuckling? It wouldn't have saved the movie, but if definitely would have helped. The tagline for The Musketeer reads, "As you've never seen it before." Might I add, "And hope to never see again"? If there's ever a remake (or a reimagining, if Tim Burton has anything to do with it) of A Clockwork Orange, I think the manic-movie scene should feature The Musketeer up there on the big screen of torment. <<I noticed that IMDb suggests if you liked Fight Club, you'd like The Musketeer... no way! The two movies are as different as chalk to cheese>>
Review of The Musketeer
