"The 13th Child". A movie that proclaims to be about the legend of The Jersey Devil, a fascinating and fairly unsettling legend in the North East of the United States, but basically makes a whole bunch of crap up about a bunch Indian curses and the love of snakes and spiders and all things icky that have nothing to do with the real legend of the Jersey Devil.
The movie then starts with a nonsensical, seconds long opening scene of some guy running through the woods with a flashlight getting blood on his hands. We then get a "20 years later" text to take us away from this pointless nonsense that was shot with a hand held video camera that looked badder than bad.
We have an incredibly unbelievable and stupid sequence in a mental institution where Robert Guilliaume is shuffling around on a cane, watching a show about the jersey devil, all the while really cheap and corny music plays in the background, the kind of fare you'd hear on late night cable access horror host shows. not to mention the whole thing is shot on cheap, cheesy looking video not unlike "Overdrawn at the Memory Bank".
We're then taken back in time 3 days (this movie already can't decide where it wants to take place) to the town's Attorney General's office. The first thing I notice about this part of the movie is that this small town New Jersey's Attorney General is a soft spoken British woman. Just like you'd expect. We're introduced to our heroine, some blond girl that couldn't out act a stump and isn't even hot to make up for it
The movie continues to jump around from flashback to flashback until the viewer is lost in time and space. We have a topless scene for no reason, and to sum it up, things happen, people get killed by an incredibly stupid and fake looking devil monster and we learn nothing about anything, and nothing is solved or resolved.
Oh, and there is a black guy named Eminem. I swear. My final thought was, how did Robert Guillaume end up in this stinker? For some odd reason, "Benson" was my favorite show as a child. And because of this, Robert's always had a special place in my heart. No one deserves to be in movies like this. Mr. Guillaume, if you ever read this, and I doubt it, your still the man... even if you were in this movie.
The movie then starts with a nonsensical, seconds long opening scene of some guy running through the woods with a flashlight getting blood on his hands. We then get a "20 years later" text to take us away from this pointless nonsense that was shot with a hand held video camera that looked badder than bad.
We have an incredibly unbelievable and stupid sequence in a mental institution where Robert Guilliaume is shuffling around on a cane, watching a show about the jersey devil, all the while really cheap and corny music plays in the background, the kind of fare you'd hear on late night cable access horror host shows. not to mention the whole thing is shot on cheap, cheesy looking video not unlike "Overdrawn at the Memory Bank".
We're then taken back in time 3 days (this movie already can't decide where it wants to take place) to the town's Attorney General's office. The first thing I notice about this part of the movie is that this small town New Jersey's Attorney General is a soft spoken British woman. Just like you'd expect. We're introduced to our heroine, some blond girl that couldn't out act a stump and isn't even hot to make up for it
The movie continues to jump around from flashback to flashback until the viewer is lost in time and space. We have a topless scene for no reason, and to sum it up, things happen, people get killed by an incredibly stupid and fake looking devil monster and we learn nothing about anything, and nothing is solved or resolved.
Oh, and there is a black guy named Eminem. I swear. My final thought was, how did Robert Guillaume end up in this stinker? For some odd reason, "Benson" was my favorite show as a child. And because of this, Robert's always had a special place in my heart. No one deserves to be in movies like this. Mr. Guillaume, if you ever read this, and I doubt it, your still the man... even if you were in this movie.