Why? You wonder would the MonolithicJudge hate himself; maybe its because I keep forcing myself to watch these movies, possibly worse may be the fact that I am spending money on them (For future reference I purchase, not rent these films). Now to be honest this isn't the worst film I have ever seen, there are the Jigsaw's and Camp Fear's still running around out there, but geese there can't be any other more cheesily written then this thing. Let me sum up the film for you:) Starts out serial killer being transported for execution (Oddly enough the killer is named Jack Frost, pre snowman mutation) when suddenly the prison transport runs into a truck carrying a container full of deadly chemicals. The two crash and Jack gets free only to hang around and make some dumb comments, like when he says "This is going to hurt!" Right before the chemicals the truck was carrying explodes and then proceeds to melt Jack's flesh. Now such a thing has never happened to me, but if I was about to take a bath in acid I would prefer to have some more suitable last words rather than a foolish quip. Anyway Jack melts into the snow and then his DNA gets mixed up with the ice and he somehow becomes a talking snowman. Why a snowman I have no idea, maybe because his name was Jack Frost if nothing else. Continuing on Jack goes back to the town where he was captured by the bumbling sheriff and starts reeking havoc. First he knocks this kid down who happens to be in the path of a sled going a half mile an hour, soon the sled hits the kid's head and rips the thing off! Unbelievable, I didn't know sleds were such dangerous weapons. Pretty standard fair after that, Jack kills a lady by bashing her head in a box of ornaments and murders an old man by shoving an axe handle down his throat; another gets some icicles projectiles shot from Jack's flesh into his head and of course the best death of all is when the sexy young Shannon Elizabeth, (Yes that one) gets raped by a carrot in the bathtub. If you ever wondered about Ms. Elizabeth's acting prowess this scene will end any doubt, I mean how is it possible that she somehow managed a take when her arms jammed in this foam, incredibly fake looking snowman, while butt naked being rammed against the wall about ten times without breaking up into hysterics; how could the director have possibly motivated her for this scene? "All right Shannon, Jack is going to be in liquid form in the tub, the one you are soaking in, then he is going to solidify and rape you with his carrot wiener. Any questions?" "Uh yeah I got a question, can we fast forward a few years to when American Pie is made and erase my memory somehow? Please!" Is what she was surely thinking. Beyond those things there isn't much more to this film, Jack kills some more and cracks some stupid one liners that would make Arnold blush, in the end his undoing is some brown oatmeal which gets slapped against his face. Alright the oatmeal doesn't kill him but the secret ingredient inside does, Antifreeze! Yes the sheriff's son tries to murder his dad by putting that sweet, sweet engine coolant in the oatmeal; funny if you think about it because when the kid is making the oatmeal in the beginning the mother is standing right besides him, maybe the sheriff has more than one enemy in the town of Snowmonton; of course the town had to be named that. Admittedly this review doesn't do justice to how bad this film is and in fact will probably make more people want to see it (I.E men and Shannon Elizabeth fans), but please heed the Judge's plea, don't waste your time with this film, it would be more fun to jam an icicle through your eye.
Review of Jack Frost
