Universal Soldier III: Let's be honest here, my hopes for Universal Soldier 3 were not exactly high. In fact, so low were they that even a modicum of style or verve would have been acceptable. So, did it live down to my prejudices? Oh, yes indeedy. In a move so audacious, they can only be commended, the casting personnel for the movie managed to locate and hire the only man alive with less acting talent and on screen charisma than either Long Cord Man Slamme or Dolphin Lundgren. In fact, when comparing the lead role here with Dolphin, it is hard not to bring to mind a battle of acting prowess between Meryl Streep and Jimmy Krankie, with Dolphin in the role of Streep. Matt Battaglia, a one man slab of mahogany gurns and stammers his way through a movie so lacking in style at one point I actually broke down and wept, head falling forwards, face slapping into my bowl of Super Noodles (beef), only able to breath by mercy of the fact that one noodle slipped up a nostril and I was able, through sheer force of will, to suck enough oxygen through the wheat construct to sustain life. When my energy returned, mercifully, the movie had ended, the on screen message taunting me "View Again?" No, my friend, I commanded the V+ box, not ever again.
Universal Soldier III: Unfinished Business
(1998 TV Movie)
Worst movie I've ever seen? Well, a strong contender at the very least
23 October 2009
Warning: Spoilers