Supposedly, if you had an infinite number of monkeys sat in front of typewriters, and an infinite amount of time, the monkeys would eventually bash out the works of Shakespeare. Sadly, the makers of this movie didn't have an infinite number of monkeys. They had two monkeys, both of them slightly brain damaged, and instead of an infinite amount of time they had a couple of hours to work up a script. Mutant Chronicles is the result, but don't think too badly of them. They're only monkeys, and they were doing their best.
In all seriousness, though, why are video game adaptations nearly always like this? Millions spent on special effects, clearly enough on salaries for a few good actors to sign on - and written and directed by gibbons. The script for this one isn't really, really bad, just unbelievably bland - the characters have no character, they speak in clichés or hand out flipping great wodges of exposition, and the plot is strictly by the numbers. You've seen it a hundred times before, and it wasn't great those times, either. The director can barely frame a shot, and the whole thing drags, drags, drags, until 108 minutes feels like decades. When the movie was over, I half expected to look outside and see rocket ships flying past, but I guess it just felt that long. And just for fun, we've got some thuddingly obvious political commentary, a First World War battlefield in a movie set 700 years in the future, and at least 50 people getting stabbed through the head. That's no exaggeration, either - this director doesn't know much, but he knows that he loves him some head-stabbin'.
That probably all makes the movie sound more entertaining than it really is. It's really just boring and dumb, but there is some entertainment value in watching a vastly over-qualified cast trying to make the best of the horrible movie they've found themselves in. Ron Perlman goes with a truly awful accent which even the Lucky Charms leprechaun might think was a bit silly; John Malkovich makes no effort whatsoever, and mumbles his lines as though barely staying awake, while Thomas Jane mostly just looks depressed. Best of the bunch, though, is the permanently furious and confused look on Devon Aoki's face. 'I was in Sin City!' that look says. 'How did I end up in this piece of crap?' Maybe she ought to ask the monkeys.
In all seriousness, though, why are video game adaptations nearly always like this? Millions spent on special effects, clearly enough on salaries for a few good actors to sign on - and written and directed by gibbons. The script for this one isn't really, really bad, just unbelievably bland - the characters have no character, they speak in clichés or hand out flipping great wodges of exposition, and the plot is strictly by the numbers. You've seen it a hundred times before, and it wasn't great those times, either. The director can barely frame a shot, and the whole thing drags, drags, drags, until 108 minutes feels like decades. When the movie was over, I half expected to look outside and see rocket ships flying past, but I guess it just felt that long. And just for fun, we've got some thuddingly obvious political commentary, a First World War battlefield in a movie set 700 years in the future, and at least 50 people getting stabbed through the head. That's no exaggeration, either - this director doesn't know much, but he knows that he loves him some head-stabbin'.
That probably all makes the movie sound more entertaining than it really is. It's really just boring and dumb, but there is some entertainment value in watching a vastly over-qualified cast trying to make the best of the horrible movie they've found themselves in. Ron Perlman goes with a truly awful accent which even the Lucky Charms leprechaun might think was a bit silly; John Malkovich makes no effort whatsoever, and mumbles his lines as though barely staying awake, while Thomas Jane mostly just looks depressed. Best of the bunch, though, is the permanently furious and confused look on Devon Aoki's face. 'I was in Sin City!' that look says. 'How did I end up in this piece of crap?' Maybe she ought to ask the monkeys.