A title like ''Two On A Guillotine'' leaves one expecting some first-class horror. Alas, in this glossy Warner Brothers programmer, that's not what you get. The plot, which is as old as the hills, deals with the long-estranged daughter of a magician (Connie Stevens, star of Television's ''Hawaiian Eye'') who is left her deceased father's fortune, with one stipulation-she must spend one week in his mansion in order to collect it. Years before, Dad's wife (Stevens again) disappeared without a trace, leaving his daughter to be raised by relatives. At her father's funeral, she is reunited with her one-time Nursemaid (Virginia Gregg) and her father's business manager (Parley Baer) both of whom will split the inheritance should Connie split before the week is up. Quickly befriended by an incognito reporter, (Dean Jones) Connie makes her way to the house for what should have been a living nightmare. But it goes (slowly) downhill from there.Producer/Director William Conrad had quite a showbiz career-he played Marshall Dillon on radio long before James Arness played the part on the TV series ''Gunsmoke''. In the 70's Conrad was ''Cannon'' the star of his own successful TV show, and he ended his run starring in another successful detective series ''Jake And The Fatman''.As the director of this film, however,( as well as the following year's ''My Blood Runs Cold''), he started with practically nothing, and did little more with it.Max Steiner contributes a suitably eerie score (his last) and the black and white photography is excellent. But neither can disguise the fact that very little is actually happening.Stevens and Jones are given insipid characters to play but do what they can with them which, sadly, isn't much. Poor Connie is also victimized by her unflattering hairstyles-including one that looks like she's wearing a raccoon (complete with tail)on her head. Both spend what feels like forever, plodding around the sadly unthreatening house, dodging an occasional plastic skeleton, and the usual rubber head bouncing down the stairs. Except for one or two ear-splitting shrieks from Stevens, neither seems all that concerned. Gregg (as usual) and Baer at least manage to make their parts interesting, even though they are merely red herrings. Connie Gilchrist is wasted in a bit as a housekeeper. Caesar Romero is properly pathetic as the mad magician, but he's not on screen enough.Worst of all, this film cries out for (but doesn't get) much more suspense, deeper characterizations and imaginative direction. Instead, Conrad tosses in a dull romantic subplot for Stevens and Jones,a visit to a local disco, an excursion to an amusement park and a song (?) from Stevens,who WAS recording for Warner Brothers Records at the time. But all this does is make an already overlong film that much longer. Even the supposedly ''shocking climax'' is dragged out unmercifully. Needless to say, this was a pretty weak wrap up to 50's starlet Steven's Warner Brothers contract.Incidentally, both she and Romero made personal appearances on behalf of the film (to no avail) when it opened in New York. Jones fared a bit better, going on to star in a few popular Walt Disney comedies. Romero, however, really triumphed the following year when he was perfectly cast as the flamboyant '' Joker'' in the ''Batman'' Television Series. Yes, there are so-called ''Horror Films'' out there a lot worse than this one. But there are much better ones as well.
Review of Two on a Guillotine
