Review of The Thing

The Thing (I) (2011)
2/10
Modern studio horror has turned to crap
15 October 2011
Warning: Spoilers
I sincerely believe that if it had been handled properly this movie could have stood proudly alongside the Carpenter version.

If the filmmakers had balls the entire movie would have been in Norwegian with subtitles. It made zero sense that they would need to bring in people from American and Britain. Are there no radio operators or palaeontologists in Norway? Characters completely contradict this later in the movie when they are desperate to ensure no outsiders come to the base to steal their discovery. Stupid.

I guarantee the English speaking characters were included because the filmmakers think the audience is stupid and can't handle reading in a movie. And of course the Americans are the heroes and the Norwegians are nothing but walking meat bags waiting to get ripped apart and eaten.

The casting of women really didn't bother me too much as any sort of tacked on romantic sub-plot was completely absent. At least they got that right. But with no romance and no gender conflict, did they need to be women? Or was this just a studio decision to appeal to a wider demographic?

The rampant use of sub-par CG destroys this movie. This should have been a showcase for every advancement made in practical effects since 1982. They had some real talent working on it (Alec Guinness and Tom Woodruff Jr.) but all they got to do was sculpt a few dead aliens on lab tables. Everything else, including a majority of the gore, was rendered with cheap looking computer animation. This movie should have been mind blowing. Instead I was pulled right out of it by how terribly unconvincing the creatures looked every time they were on screen, which is a lot. Why didn't they get Rob Bottin back? Even as a consultant it couldn't have hurt. The CG should have complemented the practical work (see Pan's Labyrinth or Alexander Aja's Hills Have Eyes for how to do this right), instead it totally replaces it.

What adds insult to injury is that throughout production the filmmakers kept saying how they were going to do as much as possible using practical effects. I guess that just makes them liars. What a waste.

The creatures don't even sound right. The original monsters sounded unique with their haunting, almost sorrowful howling. Here they just make everything sound like Aliens, except way too loud, to the point where it actually becomes painful as your bombarded with high pitched shrieks constantly.

Another thing that bugged me: glaring continuity errors. This is a prequel to a movie that's been watched repeatedly for 20+ years, the importance of continuity is paramount. In the original the American team watches tapes of the Norwegians where they clearly blow the alien craft out of the ice with explosives. The characters even say "they're using Thermite charges" and it shows the explosion on the video. In this, the ice above the ship breaks when the creature turns on its ship. I read in an interview that the director always had a copy of the '82 version on hand to check for continuity. How do you miss that? When the ship is shown in the original it is in a vast snow plane. Where did the vehicles and cave from this movie go? The stories are seemingly hours apart, so I don't think they got covered up in a storm. Sloppy film making.

It states at the start it's 1982. We see Kate Lloyd examining the inside of a specimen using a camera on a tube. Next to her is a flat-screen computer monitor with a display showing modern looking video, text and graphics. Funny, I don't recall that technology existing in 1982. Take a look at the computer simulation used in the original: 2-bit graphics with non-existent animation. You were lucky back then if you had a computer that could render more than green and black on the screen. How hard would it have been to secure a CRT TV from a pawn shop and hook up the video feed using RCA cables from a camcorder? Because I have a feeling that is exactly what they would have been using.

The 1982 version has one of the most memorable soundtracks in movie history. The music totally adds to the bleakness and horror. Here, it's your standard throwaway Hollywood score that you'll forget the minute you leave the cinema. The classic theme is heard at the end, and by then it's too little too late.

Finally, the 2011 movie thinks that having random characters transform into monsters at unexpected times without any sort of logic, simply to have an onslaught of cheap jump scares, is suspenseful. You never see 95% of them come into any contact with the creatures. I get that they were trying to keep you on your toes, but the mystery should have been better developed like it was in the original. The creature in the original wanted to stay hidden as much as possible, in this they transform into monsters wantonly. Instead of suspense and paranoia, you just have a monster chase movie, with monsters that don't hold up.

The writer was the same guy who worked on the abysmal Nightmare on Elm Street remake. The constant monsters popping out closely mirrors the tactic he used in NOES with micro naps so Freddy could pop out and essentially say "boo!" constantly. Your 0 for 2 buddy.

The only reasons I rated this movie a 2 and not a 1 is that story-wise it wasn't too offending and did manage to tie in well with the original (continuity errors aside), the acting was fine (although there's basically zero character development), and despite how fake the CG looked, the creature designs were cool (just so poorly executed).
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