Cruel Jaws (1995 Video)
2/10
Bruno Mattei is my hero
22 January 2014
Warning: Spoilers
You have to admit, it takes balls of titanium to film an entire shark-attack film without ever using a single original frame of shark footage. Also, it takes Bruno Mattei. A lot of comments on the film mentioned that the shark changes species from scene to scene - well that's because it's a different shark from entirely different movies, of course. Bruno even cribs a scene from Jaws! Really, Bruno? You didn't think people seeing your cheap-ass shark film might have seen Jaws? Wow.

Features a little cripple girl whose legs seem to work fine when she's swimming. Her Hulk Hogan lookalike dad, while she is smiling sunnily, mentions, "I lost my wife, my will to live, but most of all, Suzy's smile." Well her smile is back dude - how about the rest? Also features my favorite Evil Rich Guy of any movie. Listen to his horrible crimes. When Hulk fails to pay the rent due on his penny-ante aquatic theme park, Evil Rich Guy threatens to ... foreclose? Nope ... sue? Nope ... he offers to PAY Hulk enough money to "set him up for life", and forgive the debt. Despite this he is clearly portrayed as the boo, hiss villain. (Hulk nobly refuses to accept this gift.) Later, Evil Rich Guy out of his own pocket pays for shark nets and armed patrol boats to protect the obligatory regatta that has to happen every year or the town goes bankrupt. Then Evil Rich Guy offers a $100,000 reward to catch the shark, and his own son dies in the attempt. Really, he's the nicest Evil Rich Guy I've ever seen in a film. He even pays out the $100,000 reward to the good guys when they earn it.

You can always tell when someone is about to get killed, because they change outfits to something different, so they'll match the stock footage Bruno has of a shark attack.

There is one brief moment of originality - an event I've never seen before in a shark movie - when it turns out that none other than the Mafia itself is putting pressure on Evil Rich Guy. But it all works out when the two goombas are killed by the shark, because apparently they were the whole Mafia.

Go go Bruno! Also watch for the moment when out of the blue he steals the Star Wars theme!
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