The Canyons (2013)
1/10
One of the Top Five Worst Movies of All Time
22 June 2014
I knew nothing about this movie when I accidentally got hooked on it. I thought it was almost over when I tuned in, and I left it on out of morbid curiosity. Lindsay's acting isn't bad. It's actually good, at least in parts. It is Lindsay who looks so phony herself; she's difficult to look at with cheap uneven hair extensions and hard makeup. Her face looks puffed up. She works pretty hard at throwing away her career. I can't understand why she did this.

What got my attention was a guy who takes off his pants for a full-frontal view of him, not a quick view, maybe five seconds or so, while he moves around with his jewels exposed, followed by Lindsay taking off her top to show her boobs, and a third guy going down on her on the sofa while the naked man has his way with himself. Yuck and ick.

The first thing wrong with the movie is the script. None of the dialog is clever. No witty banter, and there should be, because the only thing to this movie is dialog....and some boring sex. Not much action. Just a little. There is only one storyline going on. A good script will have several mini-plots interwoven into the main plot. Here is the gist of it that is revealed early in the movie: Will he or won't he catch her cheating, and what will he do about it? This should be a sub-plot, not the main story.

These actors looked like soap actors or waiters, not that I have a thing against either. All the cast seemed to be roughly the same age. I'm attempting to explain why the cast of men seems generic to me. A pug nose with a good head of hair and some muscles will get you into this movie if you don't mind saying the F-word 20 or 30 times

The music is pretty funny as well. I confess to watching this movie for the fun of it. I recognized it as a baddie right away, when the guy dangled his jewels.

Save you money unless you have a weird sense of humor, a boring life and time to waste..
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