Low Blow (1986)
2/10
A seriously bad example of '80s action cinema
19 August 2016
Warning: Spoilers
An execrable film, so poor that I can't even classify it as an "action" movie - instead, fans of bad or cult flicks might get a kick out of this atrocity just because it's so ineptly done in every department. The sound quality in particular is appalling, with half the mumbled dialogue muffled by crappy music - not that you would want to hear the dumb lines that the characters say in any case, although the line "cancel my sandwich!" does offer some amusement. This is depressingly bad stuff that plays by the clichés, including an opening scene in which our hero takes out a gang of men who have taken the employees of a café hostage (maybe he saw Erik Estrada doing it in LIGHT BLAST). From then on the run-of-the-mill antics involve Fong beating up gang members and beginning a very SLOW investigation into a weird mind-control cult led by Cameron Mitchell, of all people.

Mitchell's appearance is the oddest thing in the movie. With dark glasses and a black robe, he does indeed look the part as weirdo cult leader Yarakunda, and he spends all of the film mumbling songs to himself whilst sitting in a field. Was Mitchell drunk and/or on drugs when this film was made? From the evidence before me I would have to say most definitely YES! Then again, would-be hero Leo Fong (rating a 0 on the action movie hero scale, one below Thomas Ian Griffiths) is something to see as well. You wouldn't typically expect a middle-aged, balding Chinaman to be a heroic private eye and leading character in an action film but here Fong is, hamming it up a treat and delivering his dialogue without an ounce of realism.

Also appearing in the cast are Troy Donahue, like Mitchell a remnant left over from the old days and seriously down on his luck at the time. Akosua Busia overacts as another mad cult leader, turning out to be irritating instead of scary. The only other mildly familiar cast member is Billy Blanks, playing a guard, but he's only memorable for his incredible physique than anything else. Also around for our "entertainment" value are a pair of bumbling drunks who spend the film getting beaten up. This is one of the cheapest movies I've seen, loads of fighting takes place at night with poor lighting and forget rough around the edges, this is rough throughout. It looks like an amateur production and I'm surprised it even got a video release in America.

Still, there is some fun to be had with this. Like the scene in which Fong just goes totally berserk and cuts apart a car belonging to the bad guys with a circular saw! Not before he's finished smashing the windows out with a crowbar. This scene is actually frightening because Fong just goes mad and you can tell he isn't acting. There's also a hilarious competition called the "Tough Man Contest" (I'm not kidding) in which a range of warriors - including ninjas! - battle it out for supremacy. The winners get to join Fong on his mission which is to engage in a poorly-staged fire fight with a few bad guys in an anti-climatic ending which promises a lot but delivers nothing. Fong's associates in the finale include a female bodybuilder (!), an ageing black boxer, a Chinese kung fu man just for the heck of it, and a Hell's Angel. At least they're a varied bunch. Even the abundant action in this movie is boring, so all I can advise is to give it a miss - unless you have a seriously strange idea of entertainment.
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