November Criminals has been advertised as though it's a movie, but there is no way in which it really is one. For a start, there's the sheer brevity of it. Take away the opening and closing credits, and this thing is 74 minutes long. That isn't a movie, it's an extended short film.
It does make up for that by feeling as though it lasts for hours. In those 74 minutes, the following actual things happen: Boy and girl have sex, in gauzy Mills-and-Boon-o-vision. Boy's friend is killed, off-screen. Boy investigates friend's death, a bit. He confronts another character, who just flat-out tells him who the killer is. He confronts the killer, a character we haven't seen until the final 10 minutes. He gets shot, but very slightly and he's quite all right really.
That's it. All told, that amounts to about 10 minutes of things actually happening. The rest of it amounts to more bland filler than my grandma's meatloaf, with l-o-o-o-o-n-g scenes of people driving, people walking, and people having anguished conversations that go nowhere and illuminate nothing. We even get the full 3 minutes of David Bowie's 'Life On Mars' at one point. It's a good song, but those three minutes, like most of this stuff, could have been cut out very easily.
The two lead actors give frankly baffling performances. Chloe Moretz is trying, at least, but her character has nothing to say and even less to do. Why she agreed to be in this is something of a mystery. As for Ansel Elgort, he gives a thoroughly charisma-free turn which is so different from his captivating, fluid performance in this year's Baby Driver that I seriously wondered if it was the same actor. There are scenes here where he stumbles around as though he's forgotten how to walk.
In short (and it's worth saying again, this really was very short) there's nothing here worth anyone's time. I don't know why this thing exists. I'm pretty sure the people who made it don't know why it exists, either.
It does make up for that by feeling as though it lasts for hours. In those 74 minutes, the following actual things happen: Boy and girl have sex, in gauzy Mills-and-Boon-o-vision. Boy's friend is killed, off-screen. Boy investigates friend's death, a bit. He confronts another character, who just flat-out tells him who the killer is. He confronts the killer, a character we haven't seen until the final 10 minutes. He gets shot, but very slightly and he's quite all right really.
That's it. All told, that amounts to about 10 minutes of things actually happening. The rest of it amounts to more bland filler than my grandma's meatloaf, with l-o-o-o-o-n-g scenes of people driving, people walking, and people having anguished conversations that go nowhere and illuminate nothing. We even get the full 3 minutes of David Bowie's 'Life On Mars' at one point. It's a good song, but those three minutes, like most of this stuff, could have been cut out very easily.
The two lead actors give frankly baffling performances. Chloe Moretz is trying, at least, but her character has nothing to say and even less to do. Why she agreed to be in this is something of a mystery. As for Ansel Elgort, he gives a thoroughly charisma-free turn which is so different from his captivating, fluid performance in this year's Baby Driver that I seriously wondered if it was the same actor. There are scenes here where he stumbles around as though he's forgotten how to walk.
In short (and it's worth saying again, this really was very short) there's nothing here worth anyone's time. I don't know why this thing exists. I'm pretty sure the people who made it don't know why it exists, either.