Don't even *start* with me, OK? Ten years old. Completely freaked out, hysterical. Unprepared for what we were subjected to. Sunday afternoon, HBO, over at Danny Nappi's house. With my younger brother Phil, good old Dan, a friend or two of his. All I knew was that Captain Kirk was in it. Something about spiders - We laughed. It was going to be soooo fake.
But it wasn't. The cold grip of fear began to clutch nigh about the time the guy climbed into his crop duster plane to rid the town of all them spiders. Back then we didn't know, you see? Or it was only after this that it started to sink in, that the movies weren't real. They couldn't be. Nothing could be that terrifying, and I'm talking Aliens, Things, Count Dracula. Whatever Frankenstein was lumbering around. Bring it. But no way with the god damn spiders.
They were everywhere, my 10 year old brain reasoned. In the basement. In the attic. In the back yard, up at the forest, probably even at school. Spiders, everywhere, waiting to inject us with their stingers & wrap us up in bedsheets. Hell I didn't sleep for two nights, couldn't eat for three days. Was afraid to put on my shoes, go to the store, ride a bike or do anything that might expose me to the threat of all them spiders. We made it home well enough but after that it got dark and I was not ready for night. Totally hyper aware of every crack, nook, cranny or dimpled corner around which some freaking spider could come, looking to sting me, mom, my brothers, maybe even my dad.
Is it OK to scare kids like that? I mean really scare them, scare them so much that they can't function? "Stephen stayed home on Monday because he was too terrified to leave the house after seeing "Kingdom of the Spiders" with William Shatner, and we're not kidding." That's what the note must have read, and of course I was convinced that everyone else was aware that I had been scared not just out of my wits but into a deep darkened place where kids just shouldn't go. You'd get sued for it these days.
And for years that was the Litmus Test: "Is it as terrifying as "Kingdom of the Spiders" was?" To my credit nothing ever was, even when ALIEN crept into those freudian cellar spaces where there was never any natural light and god knows what forms breed in the darkness, waiting to spring on unsuspecting halfwitted twelve year olds sent downstairs to get the laundry. Movies may have startled me or surprised me, but nothing can compare to the sheer horror that "Kingdom of the Spiders" subjected me to, and the film remains held in awe in the family to this day.
Sure, we laugh at it now. Make up drinking games to go with the action. After watching it again I said to myself "I just want to live someplace where there are beautiful women like that to take for granted, knowing they'll always be around." Maybe the biggest lesson to learn was that even Captain Kirk can get handed something waaaaay beyond his ability to cope with, making him fallible and human and, dare I say, just an actor playing a role. So we grew up that day, in a way, sitting on the carpeted floor, mouths agape at the sight of all them spiders teeming all over everything and even Captain Kirk gets covered with them. Almost even dying.
No, I've never been freaked out by a movie that way since and recall the episode with favor, a marvelous learning experience which became a rite of passage. Having made it through those two or three days after seeing "Kingdom of the Spiders" emboldened me enough to learn about them. Learn about film, how they are made, what actors do, and how it's all so fake in the end. Re-make it if you have to, but don't fool yourself. It only works for real the first time through
God Bless America.
But it wasn't. The cold grip of fear began to clutch nigh about the time the guy climbed into his crop duster plane to rid the town of all them spiders. Back then we didn't know, you see? Or it was only after this that it started to sink in, that the movies weren't real. They couldn't be. Nothing could be that terrifying, and I'm talking Aliens, Things, Count Dracula. Whatever Frankenstein was lumbering around. Bring it. But no way with the god damn spiders.
They were everywhere, my 10 year old brain reasoned. In the basement. In the attic. In the back yard, up at the forest, probably even at school. Spiders, everywhere, waiting to inject us with their stingers & wrap us up in bedsheets. Hell I didn't sleep for two nights, couldn't eat for three days. Was afraid to put on my shoes, go to the store, ride a bike or do anything that might expose me to the threat of all them spiders. We made it home well enough but after that it got dark and I was not ready for night. Totally hyper aware of every crack, nook, cranny or dimpled corner around which some freaking spider could come, looking to sting me, mom, my brothers, maybe even my dad.
Is it OK to scare kids like that? I mean really scare them, scare them so much that they can't function? "Stephen stayed home on Monday because he was too terrified to leave the house after seeing "Kingdom of the Spiders" with William Shatner, and we're not kidding." That's what the note must have read, and of course I was convinced that everyone else was aware that I had been scared not just out of my wits but into a deep darkened place where kids just shouldn't go. You'd get sued for it these days.
And for years that was the Litmus Test: "Is it as terrifying as "Kingdom of the Spiders" was?" To my credit nothing ever was, even when ALIEN crept into those freudian cellar spaces where there was never any natural light and god knows what forms breed in the darkness, waiting to spring on unsuspecting halfwitted twelve year olds sent downstairs to get the laundry. Movies may have startled me or surprised me, but nothing can compare to the sheer horror that "Kingdom of the Spiders" subjected me to, and the film remains held in awe in the family to this day.
Sure, we laugh at it now. Make up drinking games to go with the action. After watching it again I said to myself "I just want to live someplace where there are beautiful women like that to take for granted, knowing they'll always be around." Maybe the biggest lesson to learn was that even Captain Kirk can get handed something waaaaay beyond his ability to cope with, making him fallible and human and, dare I say, just an actor playing a role. So we grew up that day, in a way, sitting on the carpeted floor, mouths agape at the sight of all them spiders teeming all over everything and even Captain Kirk gets covered with them. Almost even dying.
No, I've never been freaked out by a movie that way since and recall the episode with favor, a marvelous learning experience which became a rite of passage. Having made it through those two or three days after seeing "Kingdom of the Spiders" emboldened me enough to learn about them. Learn about film, how they are made, what actors do, and how it's all so fake in the end. Re-make it if you have to, but don't fool yourself. It only works for real the first time through
God Bless America.