Well, what a gutter ball this film was! Someone decided to make an Elf Bowling movie and I still don't know why. With other video game franchises, I can at least see the appeal of making a movie. Final Fantasy got a film, Resident Evil got a film franchise, and even Alone in the Dark got a film. While said movies ended up falling flat, they at least had potential to make a good story since the games were intriguing. This, though? This has got to be one of the most pointless films ever! The game version of Elf Bowling didn't really have a complex narrative, so how does one convert that in a film? Apparently by making the Christmas equivalent to FoodFight. Let's take a look.
Story: Even by the standards of Elf Bowling, the story is quite weird. It's an origin story of how Santa became the symbol of Christmas. That's not the weird part; there have been some great or timeless origin stories like Santa Claus is Coming to Town or Klaus. The weird part of this one is Santa's original job... piracy! Because... Irony? Well, Santa was something of a compassionate toy pirate who secretly gave back what he stole, kinda like the Grinch, and this gets him to fall overboard and end up in the North Pole where he meets elves who happen to enjoy being bowling pins. Speaking of strange kinks, the parallels between this and FoodFight become clear when one gets into the sexual innuendos. Yes, there are innuendos where, for example, Dingle suggests Santa keep his hot strudel in his pants. Something about some of these jokes made me chuckle a bit just because of how unexpected they were. Most of the other jokes were worthy of either a jeer or just bored silence. But it's not just sexual innuendos and elf bowling that make this strange. There's a part where, after Santa's workshop is sabotaged, they go to Fiji where they get hypnotized. Apparently a reference to how one of the games took place at the beach. I'll give them that it's pretty unpredictable, but not in a very good way. They even have a magic jewel that does anything the writers want. A literal plot device. 2/5
Animation: You may be expecting me to say that the next parallel between Elf Bowling and FoodFight is the animation. I will say that's not quite the case. The designs of these landlubbers are pretty dang bad, don't get me wrong. Pretty much everyone looks like plastic, but some of them have more realistic faces than others, making for an uncanny design, and many of the extras seem to not know what to do with themselves. They even just perform armpit flatulence for no reason. But the animation on the main characters can be considered standard compared to FoodFight. The animation is a bit jerky, but not broken motion capture jittery, and the characters don't have as much disturbing faces as Foodfight did. Plus, Elf Bolwing has some decent expression for what it is. That said, there's nothing really standout memorable about the backgrounds; Basic PS1 era water, Basic PS1 era ice, and basic PS1 era island. I guess you could say this could be what Elf Bowling may have looked like if it had PS1 cutscenes. 2/5
Characters: As I said before, this movie has some weird antics in it, but what would those jokes be without some "zany" characters to push them? The problem with Santa Claus being a pirate isn't just because of how it goes against his usual character; let a satire be a satire. It's just that he keeps talking like a pirate even after he retires that role and dons his iconic suit. It seems strange, and it makes more sense with his brother Dingle, the evil ice salesman from the game who's also a pirate here, yet he doesn't sound much like a pirate. Lex is the owner of the aforementioned magic ball who doesn't seem to have much of an established personality, and... there's even an African American elf who speaks like either a rapper, a dimwit, or both. Which reminds me, there are a few recognizable talents voicing these characters. Tom Kenny is of course an iconic voice actor playing as Spongebob and Ice King; Joe Alaskey played Tommy's Grandpa and Daffy Duck, and Jill Talley played Karen from Spongebob. I'm pretty sure most of the budget went into them, because they did a decent job playing their parts, but very little went into the script, aside from, again, some odd dirty jokes. 2/5
ongs: Why? Why did this need to be a musical?? This is a movie about bowling! Where did these songs come from? And what's worse is that these songs are awful. You have a terrible pirate chantey with no sense of composition. You have the song about how Elves Better Be Happy that is grating and sung by one of the most creaky elves ever portrayed on film. You have Tom Kenny singing some of the most awkward songs in the movie. The first song he sings about mutinies isn't that bad and kinda jazzy, but there's also him doing a hula about Fiji and bikinis and seaweed, and even worse, a song about slavery... Nope! I want nothing to do with that! 1/5
Conclusion: This is one gift that keeps on giving, and I don't mean that in a good way. What it gives is a surreal story about Chris Kringle, substandard animation, characters who range from bland to disturbing, and songs on par with some of the worst Christmas Carols ever. If you find entertainment in sudden sex jokes and alright voice acting, I guess you might find it so bad it's good, but if you prefer to retain your sanity, I think it would be best to rethink getting this as a Christmas Gift. Because Elf Bowling the Movie is worthy of 2 pins in a 7-10 split out of 5.
