Don't Open The Door, Don't Hang Up or Don't Answer the Phone - which is it?
Movie starts out with Kevin Arnold's mom, Norma, meeting some mean slob on a rickety house train. They argue over Cindy Crawford, or something?
Not making any sense, the move ambles along as hideous Barbie dolls from hell are introduced to the opening credits. (I'm rewinding this to get a second opinion of these "Tom West Rejects" opening credit dolls.)
Don't open the door, or, I bet you're sorry you opened these toys?
The first one's your basic Barbie doll with crazed goat eyes. The second one looks like the Red Dragon with a cleft lip. The third one could be Caesars illegitimate offspring up for quick-sale adoption. The fourth one looks like Kuato over-sweating, or is it the baby from Creepozoids? Fifth one looks like it just vomited amniotic fluid and regurgitated its own tonsils, heads been burnt with a lava lamp, too. The sixth one looks like the Tourist Trap DVD cover. The seventh one, um, Boy Wonder or Astroboy with his ass and shoulderblades sewed on backwards? The exorcist herself, Reagan, appears in doll-form next with vomit-colored eyes. Then the ugliest of them all appears as a widescreen pig. There's too many of them, I can't hold them off, they just keep coming.
Oh, so it's Carpenter's Halloween, is it? You wanna play that card, do you? Haven't enough movies ripped off the '78 classic? (Yeah, I'm looking at you Offerings and Sorority House Massacre.) Some lady from Three Billboards of Ebbing tucks one of The Brady Bunch kids into bed and other than the unlimited variety of voodoo dolls at the start credits I don't know what this movie's platform is?
What's this, Michael Myers heading up the stairs to stab his sister?
So, Michael Myers stabs someone, then the curious Brady sister, with the vomit-eyed Creepozoid doll, investigates and it cuts to 13-years later written in pumpkin-orange italics.
I'm seeing a lot of other similarities to Halloween here. (The shrub hedge and front door "You're not supposed to go in there," scene.)
Check out grandma, who's half dead and looks like a bloke in a wig with a moustache.
This bloated up goof ball, with the puffer fish lips, looks like the guy from Raiders of the Lost Ark. Yeah, the one who got his palm burnt. "Hello fraulein."
Is that Nicole Eggert or Priscilla Presley? Or is it that snooty Melissa from Friday the 13th 7?
Ghostface makes harassing phone calls; dying grandma's an inconvenience blocking Nicole's fun, one of Billy Idol's songs plays to a flashback death scene, Melissa then reads a porno magazine in a bubble bath as the sweaty Kuato doll looks on through a crack. Ghostface keeps ringing Priscilla, and I'm guessing this'll be like When a Stranger Calls, "Get out of the house! Ma'am, the calls are coming from inside the house!" How fitting that the burnt hand guy's name is Claude. So Claude does his best Hannibal Lecter impression when killing the super. Turns out Claude's a femcel who dresses as a kewpie doll who wears rouge and all.
This is a pervert movie for disturbed creepy men.
P. S. Hang on a minute.... this was filmed before Carpenter's Halloween! Hey John sir, are you reading this? Was this movie your inspiration for Halloween? Very strange indeed.
Movie starts out with Kevin Arnold's mom, Norma, meeting some mean slob on a rickety house train. They argue over Cindy Crawford, or something?
Not making any sense, the move ambles along as hideous Barbie dolls from hell are introduced to the opening credits. (I'm rewinding this to get a second opinion of these "Tom West Rejects" opening credit dolls.)
Don't open the door, or, I bet you're sorry you opened these toys?
The first one's your basic Barbie doll with crazed goat eyes. The second one looks like the Red Dragon with a cleft lip. The third one could be Caesars illegitimate offspring up for quick-sale adoption. The fourth one looks like Kuato over-sweating, or is it the baby from Creepozoids? Fifth one looks like it just vomited amniotic fluid and regurgitated its own tonsils, heads been burnt with a lava lamp, too. The sixth one looks like the Tourist Trap DVD cover. The seventh one, um, Boy Wonder or Astroboy with his ass and shoulderblades sewed on backwards? The exorcist herself, Reagan, appears in doll-form next with vomit-colored eyes. Then the ugliest of them all appears as a widescreen pig. There's too many of them, I can't hold them off, they just keep coming.
Oh, so it's Carpenter's Halloween, is it? You wanna play that card, do you? Haven't enough movies ripped off the '78 classic? (Yeah, I'm looking at you Offerings and Sorority House Massacre.) Some lady from Three Billboards of Ebbing tucks one of The Brady Bunch kids into bed and other than the unlimited variety of voodoo dolls at the start credits I don't know what this movie's platform is?
What's this, Michael Myers heading up the stairs to stab his sister?
So, Michael Myers stabs someone, then the curious Brady sister, with the vomit-eyed Creepozoid doll, investigates and it cuts to 13-years later written in pumpkin-orange italics.
I'm seeing a lot of other similarities to Halloween here. (The shrub hedge and front door "You're not supposed to go in there," scene.)
Check out grandma, who's half dead and looks like a bloke in a wig with a moustache.
This bloated up goof ball, with the puffer fish lips, looks like the guy from Raiders of the Lost Ark. Yeah, the one who got his palm burnt. "Hello fraulein."
Is that Nicole Eggert or Priscilla Presley? Or is it that snooty Melissa from Friday the 13th 7?
Ghostface makes harassing phone calls; dying grandma's an inconvenience blocking Nicole's fun, one of Billy Idol's songs plays to a flashback death scene, Melissa then reads a porno magazine in a bubble bath as the sweaty Kuato doll looks on through a crack. Ghostface keeps ringing Priscilla, and I'm guessing this'll be like When a Stranger Calls, "Get out of the house! Ma'am, the calls are coming from inside the house!" How fitting that the burnt hand guy's name is Claude. So Claude does his best Hannibal Lecter impression when killing the super. Turns out Claude's a femcel who dresses as a kewpie doll who wears rouge and all.
This is a pervert movie for disturbed creepy men.
P. S. Hang on a minute.... this was filmed before Carpenter's Halloween! Hey John sir, are you reading this? Was this movie your inspiration for Halloween? Very strange indeed.